Nervous for a date

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, it's important to learn how to read people and sort of adjust.  Assuming you like them and want to date them. 

If you don't like them and their style is a turn off, simply next them.

For me, I love banter too!  I am like the queen of banter, lol.  I love playful teasing, a bit of a sarcastic wit.

However, not all guys are into it, especially over text.  I sensed it pretty quickly when I would attempt to be playful and jokey and they didn't "get it," and continued being serious.

I found/find people (men since we're discussing dating) can have two personalities - their "texting" personality and their "in-person" personality.

I recall one man being a fantastic texter!  Bantering, playful, fun, he really pulled me in.  In person it was another story, he was boring as all heck and I stopped dating him because of it. 

It can go the other way too.  Great in person, bad at texting. 

My advice is IF you like him (in person which is what's important), try to adjust to his style of texting.  I know some may disagree with that but for me it's not a difficult thing to do since I also love deep conversation and am quite introspective.  A bit of a chameleon if you will.  I am able to adjust to most communication styles. 

Good luck and keep us posted!  

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 I haven't sent him a message all day today and haven't heard from him. 

That's the perfect response to this. Just reply rather than initiate. That way you're sure it's not too much or too little.

It's also a great way to gauge interest in the beginning because you can evaluate what's coming from him spontaneously vs just responding to you.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I'm so used to bantering with guys through text. 

And how did those relationships work out? Would you trade "text banter" for an actual loving, committed relationship with a nice, presentable and considerate man who just so happens to not be that into texting? 

What's more important, your phone pinging, or meeting and possibly a relationship with a nice man?

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What's more important, your phone pinging, or meeting and possibly a relationship with a nice man?

Ideally, a balance between the two is what you want. At least imo. 

Fun texting combined with some serious chat.  When it's right between you, barring the occasional snag, it should all flow pretty easily.  You both kind of just "get" each other, and are on the same wavelength.

ALL of my LTRS and my marriage were like this and ended for other reasons.  

[Jaunty]

I think that there are many lessons one can learn from being on these boards.  One of them is that comfortable, fun, flirty and FREQUENT texting are probably not the "friend" of people who met one time on a dating app.  

   

[Alex39]

I'm definitely learning quickly. I'm trying harder to take things slow and be more patient. I'm not a patient person usually. But I am trying, learning, and wanting to truly get to know someone. I want something real, not some rushed, flirty, texting relationship. 

[Jaunty]

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm definitely learning quickly.

That's a very good attitude.   Keep it up.  Stay aware that many people have met a LOT of folks via OLD before finding one that is a really good fit.   Don't get discouraged.  That said, also, don't hesitate to take a break at some junctures when you might be feeling overwhelmed or discouraged.  But do not simply give up.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm trying harder to take things slow and be more patient

How much were you texting this guy? 

[Alex39]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How much were you texting this guy? 

Honestly not much. I only messaged him when he reached out. I never initiated myself. But when he did reach out, I did try to drum up conversation. 

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I never initiated myself. 

Maybe you could try doing so. 

You don't need to try to banter if that is clearly not his thing, but it doesn't hurt to take some initiative and demonstrate your own interest, too. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Maybe you could try doing so. 

You don't need to try to banter if that is clearly not his thing, but it doesn't hurt to take some initiative and demonstrate your own interest, too. 

I agree and I would wait until after the first official date for that -and certainly initiate and show interest on the date.

Is it your sense that his lack of responding to your banter is a lack of "getting" on a smarts level -your banter/jokes?

Also the next time you act in a patient way -notice it -so you can stop maybe the self fulfilling prophecy of "I'm not a patient person" -I can imagine it takes some doing for you to interact with a new guy you might go on a date with with a lack of patience since you do want a serious relationship "yesterday" - but yes discipline and restraint are your friends.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. The guy who asked me on a second date. We have a half plan. He doesn't text like other guys my age

Try to finalize the plans. Keep in mind after one date you're both still talking to and meeting others.

Additionally this is the man who's recently divorced and his house is in foreclosure? He probably has a lot more to worry about than flirty texts.

[MrMan1983]

It's that early 30's/under 30's thing you're all too used to texting non stop 😉 Always causes problems I find. OK I sound old now.

 

[boltnrun]

36 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

It's that early 30's/under 30's thing you're all too used to texting non stop 😉 Always causes problems I find. OK I sound old now.

 

Me too. I'd rather enjoy time together in person than read and type words on a tiny screen. But it seems that it makes the youngsters feel good when their phone pings 🤷‍♀️

[rainbowsandroses]

Gotta chime in here re texting and messaging.   Sure you're typing but nevertheless you are still communicating.  Staying connected, and getting to know each other in between dates or prior to first date.

Many people seem to forget that.  We are not robots after all, programmed to type arbitrary meaningless words on a screen.

We are emotional human beings having a need to connect and stay connected and texting, messaging gives us that opportunity.  

Many use as a crutch or a way to avoid real life connections, I understand that.  But when used 'properly' and combined with real life human interaction, it can really enhance your relationship in my experience.

I've had some truly awe-inspiring conversations (cute and fun!) through electronic means.   In fact, to add some fun and diversion, my husband and I used to message even though he was in a room down the hall!

Think of the scene in the movie "Somethings Gotta Give" with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson.   In the same house, but texting!  Met in the kitchen later for pancakes! 

Our text conversations would sometimes last longer, but it was fun!  Just another form of communicating. 

 

[Jaunty]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Quote

 

Gotta chime in here re texting and messaging.   Sure you're typing but nevertheless you are still communicating.  Staying connected, and getting to know each other in between dates or prior to first date.

Many people seem to forget that.  We are not robots after all, programmed to type arbitrary meaningless words on a screen.

We are emotional human beings having a need to connect and stay connected and texting, messaging gives us that opportunity. 

 

 

 

There has never been a time in history when there was an expectation for people, especially virtual strangers,  to be available for "connection" and "communication"  at all moments of every day.

I don't think that people who just met one time need to "stay connected" throughout the days.   

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

There has never been a time in history when there was an expectation for people, especially virtual strangers,  to be available for "connection" and "communication"  at all moments of every day.

I don't think that people who just met one time need to "stay connected" throughout the days.   

I never said "all moments of every day."  Not sure where you got that's what I meant.  I do not. 

But it IS a way to stay connected that can be enjoyable and fun.  For some couples.  

I really enjoy it sometimes.  It's a fun diversion from phone calls which I dislike for various reasons and when you're not able to get together in person, or even sometimes when you can. 

Do you think Keaton and Nicholson would have had the same cute fun exchange had he called her on her cell?   Or knocked on her bedroom door? 

I highly doubt it. 

I think messaging gets a bad rap sometimes, but to each their own and as long as both people agree, it's all good. 

That's all. 

[boltnrun]

For couples, yes, maybe. But after ONE first meet I think it's a lot to expect a man to want to "text banter" throughout the day. Especially when the in person interaction was fun and enjoyable. Why put that kind of pressure or expectations on someone you met once?

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But it IS a way to stay connected that can be enjoyable and fun.  For some couples.  

They are not a couple.  They are people who met one time so far.

[Sindy_0311]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

For couples, yes, maybe. But after ONE first meet I think it's a lot to expect a man to want to "text banter" throughout the day. Especially when the in person interaction was fun and enjoyable. Why put that kind of pressure or expectations on someone you met once?

I guess if a man likes you he will be more than happy to text with you. 

I don't mean by that throughout the whole day, but usually sending a good morning text, maybe reach out once in the afternoon and later in the evening... 

Sure you met him ONCE, but all men don't have plenty of options and don't multi-date either, so I see nothing wrong with showing the woman some interest in between dates, and even mostly for people who are busy or have kids and can't see each other whenever they want to. 

I don't see it as a pressure... neither an expectation. People who go on date usually want to find a partner in life, so if they are not willing to discover more or aren't curious about the other person's life, what's the point? 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

They are not a couple.  They are people who met one time so far.

I meant "couple" as in two people who either just met and wanting to connect or dating and in a relationship wanting to maintain that connection in between dates or any other time.

As I said, just another method of communicating.  Back in the day before messaging people wrote letters. 

Words written on paper, words typed on a screen (as we are doing now on this forum), words exchanged over phone or in person are all various types of communication.

Again to each their own, no wrong or right. 

The purpose of my post was simply to present another different perspective.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

People who go on date usually want to find a partner in life, so if they are not willing to discover more or aren't curious about the other person's life, what's the point? 

I think texting like that early on is one of the worst ways to learn about a person - it's too familiar/couply too soon - I think it's much better to learn about someone over a reasonable period of time(because real life situations only happen over a longer period of time) like unwrapping layers of a package rather than typing to each other for checking in purposes/reassurance or to learn what the person had for lunch or whether they did pilates or yoga or whether their new dryer malfunctiioned.  Also it simulates connection and bonding and raises false expectations.  so much more interesting IMO to save up stories to tell each other when you see each other or perhaps during a phone call.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I meant "couple" as in two people who either just met and wanting to connect or dating and in a relationship wanting to maintain that connection in between dates or any other time.

As I said, just another method of communicating.  Back in the day before messaging people wrote letters. 

Words written on paper, words typed on a screen, words exchanged over phone or in person are all various types of communication.

Again to each their own, no wrong or right. 

The purpose of my post was simply to present another different perspective.

Yes they are all technically communication.  No I don't think two strangers who met once are a couple.  I would find it bizarre if a friend told me she was part of a couple with someone sh e met once in person through a dating site.

Just because something is technically communication doesn't make it appropriate, useful or positive.  I make communication choices every day professionally - should I email or call? E-mail at what time -attach a document now or later, set up a zoom face to face? And with friends we decide how to communicate about various things - some things are great for text or email others require a phone call.  It's obvious it's all a "form" of communication - the issue is what forms work this early on -I wrote my opinion in another post.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

what the person had for lunch or whether they did pilates or yoga or whether their new dryer malfunctiioned

Well I hope I have deeper layers LOL

And as for the unpacking the layers, of course it comes with time. texting is just a way to build attraction/complicity and stay in touch a lighthearted way. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

Well I hope I have deeper layers LOL

And as for the unpacking the layers, of course it comes with time. texting is just a way to build attraction/complicity and stay in touch a lighthearted way. 

 

To me it hurts that process and I've seen that happen many times.