Nervous for a date

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He treated me so well last night. 

OK then continue dating him and enjoy.  Like I said it's YOUR call to make, not ours.

Thing is, when you create a post telling us he flaked, again, you're gonna receive some negative feedback, that's a given. 

You don't have to follow it, do what YOU want.  Stay true to yourself.  That's what's important.

If it doesn't work out, pick yourself up and carry on.

Be happy!

 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK then continue dating him and enjoy.  Like I said it's YOUR call to make, not ours.

Thing is, when you create a post telling us he flaked, again, you're gonna receive some negative feedback, that's a given. 

You don't have to follow it, do what YOU want.  Stay true to yourself.  That's what's important.

If it doesn't work out, pick yourself up and carry on.

Be happy!

 

So I agree if she’s honest about what she wants - I mean to herself whether or not she share with this forum - and she wants this arrangement for the right reasons - for sure I mean she should have fun and enjoy - there’s no abuse here at all at this point and she is loving how complimentary he was last night etc- of course she should. I personally have my doubts that she’s being self-honest from a confident perspective. I think she’s rationalizing settling for scraps.  I hope I am wrong. 
 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He treated me so well last night. 

Focus on this. Dating is to get to know each other. Since you have difficulty planning things in general, make sure you are not interpreting "maybe we'll..." Or "it would be fun to..." as actual plans.. 

For example he told you he would like to see you sometime this week and he asked what days you're free so instead of coming up with a suggestion all you did was give him a list of days. 

You seem to get quite stalled in "what do you want to do, I don't know, what do you want to do?" 

If you actually want to get out of the house and enjoy your life dating and not stay single forever come up with things and please skip the " tests" about planning. He's driving he's paying he's saying he wants to see you.

Why can't you for example text him that you would like to try such and such place on day/time?

Keep in mind to get a husband, you have to get a BF and to get a BF you have to get a date. Please do not husband-shop, if you don't want guys sensing desperation and running. You need to get to know someone first and dating is how you do that.

Get organized and get some date ideas together. If you want something in life you'll have to participate and not hope it just falls in your lap.

[Type O Negative]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Focus on this. Dating is to get to know each other. Since you have difficulty planning things in general, make sure you are not interpreting "maybe we'll..." Or "it would be fun to..." as actual plans.. 

For example he told you he would like to see you sometime this week and he asked what days you're free so instead of coming up with a suggestion all you did was give him a list of days. 

You seem to get quite stalled in "what do you want to do, I don't know, what do you want to do?" 

If you actually want to get out of the house and enjoy your life dating and not stay single forever come up with things and please skip the " tests" about planning. He's driving he's paying he's saying he wants to see you.

Why can't you for example text him that you would like to try such and such place on day/time?

Keep in mind to get a husband, you have to get a BF and to get a BF you have to get a date. Please do not husband-shop, if you don't want guys sensing desperation and running. You need to get to know someone first and dating is how you do that.

Get organized and get some date ideas together.

👍👍👍

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

he asked me to meet his friends. That's a positive

It could be, BUT you didn’t meet them yet. I’ve known many guys who said you should come someday do this and that including with friends, but it never happened. Those are just words. Don’t forget.
So you are supposed to meet next week? When exactly? Did he ask for a specific day? See, I met a guy last week, he told me he would be in Spain this week, and he texted me today to arrange our next date. It’s Thursday and he already asked me out for next week. You said your guy has been rushing things with his ex wife, so I presume he is totally able to set up plans in advance… not the kind of guy waiting in corner to be picked up… just my read on what you told us about him… 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Focus on this. Dating is to get to know each other. Since you have difficulty planning things in general, make sure you are not interpreting "maybe we'll..." Or "it would be fun to..." as actual plans.. 

For example he told you he would like to see you sometime this week and he asked what days you're free so instead of coming up with a suggestion all you did was give him a list of days. 

You seem to get quite stalled in "what do you want to do, I don't know, what do you want to do?" 

If you actually want to get out of the house and enjoy your life dating and not stay single forever come up with things and please skip the " tests" about planning. He's driving he's paying he's saying he wants to see you.

Why can't you for example text him that you would like to try such and such place on day/time?

Keep in mind to get a husband, you have to get a BF and to get a BF you have to get a date. Please do not husband-shop, if you don't want guys sensing desperation and running. You need to get to know someone first and dating is how you do that.

Get organized and get some date ideas together. If you want something in life you'll have to participate and not hope it just falls in your lap.

This is true! 

However if the guy (or anyone) keeps flaking on plans, what's the point? 

They've had three dates, he's flaked twice, both on Saturday night.  Take from that what you will, from my end, it doesn't bode well.  Just me.

A person's actions in between dates and how reliable they are keeping the dates scheduled and not flaking is just as important as how that person acts while on the date. 

This was yet another flag. It's not smart to dismiss such red flags imo. That's how people get strung along and eventually disappointed and hurt.

Might it work out despite the red flags?  Of course!!  Anything is possible.

It's 100% Alex's decision if she wants to take that risk.

And if she does, I wish her the best of luck, sincerely.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

They've had three dates, he's flaked twice, both on Saturday night.  Take from that what you will, from my end, it doesn't bode well. 

Alex has indicated through her actions (continuing to text with the fellow and inviting him out on a date) that she's comfortable with him spending time with her when he has nothing more interesting (to him) going on.  My hope is that he has the same status with her, though it's really not my business - unless she asks for advice on dealing with this at some later date.  As of now, he's been consistent and she's cool with it.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Alex has indicated through her actions (continuing to text with the fellow and inviting him out on a date) that she's comfortable with him spending time with her when he has nothing more interesting (to him) going on.  My hope is that he has the same status with her, though it's really not my business - unless she asks for advice on dealing with this at some later date.  As of now, he's been consistent and she's cool with it.

You're right - since she has asked for input and advice in the past I assumed the same now.  I was wrong -she simply updated us and shared her current approach -as you summarized well.  If she asks for advice about her current approach/arrangement whatever that's different.  I wrote above that if she enjoys this way of interacting with him -more power to her.  

[boltnrun]

Alex, it would be a shame if you're chasing this guy for dates and lying to yourself that you're OK with him continuing to cancel on you and with him not asking you out and not planning dates but rather saying "let's 'hang out'" without making a confirmed plan just because you think he's your only chance at getting a boyfriend.

I hope you're doing all this because you sincerely see potential and sincerely find him and his actions attractive.

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, it would be a shame if you're chasing this guy for dates and lying to yourself that you're OK with him continuing to cancel on you and with him not asking you out and not planning dates but rather saying "let's 'hang out'" without making a confirmed plan just because you think he's your only chance at getting a boyfriend.

I hope you're doing all this because you sincerely see potential and sincerely find him and his actions attractive.

I do like this guy a lot. I guess I wish we were seeing each other this weekend. He said he had "guys night" Saturday and seeing family on Sunday. Friday wasn't even mentioned. 

In past relationships, I was never treated like a priority. I want to be a priority. Maybe not #1, but in the top 5. 

I probably won't see him until Tuesday. When we get together, I think we have awesome chemistry and an awesome time. But I don't want to just be the girl that is around when he has nothing better to do. I feel like if he really liked me, he'd want to see me. 

He does want to see me again, but not this weekend. Not until next week. He said- "are you free next Thursday?" 

I was a bit scattered brained so I said yes a bit skeptically, then he goes "or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, why don't you let me know" 

This was after he mentioned the Saturday friends thing. But I guess it's just guys. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Warning:  Long Post Ahead!

Morning guys.

I'm not getting the sense Alex clings to this guy as her last chance at a boyfriend.  To her credit she IS talking to and meeting other men or so she said. 

She knows there are plenty of other men, perhsps even more suitable.

She just likes this guy.  He is her "one magic person" at least for now.

Been there, done that.  We even went on to have LTR and got engaged. 

But in doing so, I tolerated/accepted every type of BS you can imagine because at the time, he was my "one magic person."

I pretended, denied, made excuses for, shuffled under rug, all because he was my "person."  Didn't matter what anyone else thought or said, there was NO talking me down from this.

And Alex, in the beginning of our relationship, he did same things -  canceled dates, he once flat out stood me up!  Simply didn't show up because he got a last minute opportunity to play basketball with his friends. 

I shuffled that under the carpet too!  And we carried on because he was my "person."

One night he stayed out all night (we were living together) and I decided to grow a backbone and questioned him.  Asked him (nicely) why he couldn't have at least called. 

Up till then, I had been 100% compliant, never questioned him about anything, so as you can imagine, my asking didn't go down well. 

We had a big fight, he verbally abused me and almost hit me!  

That was the end, I packed my bags when he was at work at left.  I left him a note. Bye. 

Long story short, it was only after that, he began to RESPECT me, and he eventually wanted me back. 

No thank you. 

Alex, I am sharing this story so you might understand that your compliance about accepting his flakiness and being treated "less than" how you KNOW you should be treated is not winning you any points. 

He is observing your behavior and forming a judgment about you.  That being, you're "easy" have little self-respect and don't value yourself very highly.  

At this early stage, it's probably not a big deal.  Every once in awhile he might even manage to see you, treat you well on your dates and have a great time!

But again he's observing and forming an opinion, a judgment.  And not a good one, even though he himself might be attracted to you. 

We teach people how to treat us.

You don't have to stop seeing him.  If me, having learned what I have, I would.

But you don't have to.  Just stop making everything so darn easy for him!

That's all.  He won't respect you or value you. 

We value most the things we have to work for a bit.

True for both men and women.

I mean look at you?  How hard you're working, and how highly you value him as a result. 

He is your person!  And you're willing to accept things you most likely would not if he were not your person.

Think about it.

 

[Alex39]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Warning:  Long Post Ahead!

Morning guys.

I'm not getting the sense Alex clings to this guy as her last chance at a boyfriend.  To her credit she IS talking to and meeting other men or so she said. 

She knows there are plenty of other men, perhsps even more suitable.

She just likes this guy.  He is her "one magic person" at least for now.

Been there, done that.  We even went on to have LTR and got engaged. 

But in doing so, I tolerated/accepted every type of BS you can imagine because at the time, he was my "one magic person."

I pretended, denied, made excuses for, shuffled under rug, all because he was my "person."  Didn't matter what anyone else thought or said, there was NO talking me down from this.

And Alex, in the beginning of our relationship, he did same things -  canceled dates, he once flat out stood me up!  Simply didn't show up because he got a last minute opportunity to play basketball with his friends. 

I shuffled that under the carpet too!  And we carried on because he was my "person."

One night he stayed out all night (we were living together) and I decided to grow a backbone and questioned him.  Asked him (nicely) why he couldn't have at least called. 

Up till then, I had been 100% compliant, never questioned him about anything, so as you can imagine, my asking didn't go down well. 

We had a big fight, he verbally abused me and almost hit me!  

That was the end, I packed my bags when he was at work at left.  I left him a note. Bye. 

Long story short, it was only after that, he began to RESPECT me, and he eventually wanted me back. 

No thank you. 

Alex, I am sharing this story so you might understand that your compliance about accepting his flakiness and being treated "less than" how you KNOW you should be treated is not winning you any points. 

He is observing your behavior and forming a judgment about you.  That being, you're "easy" have little self-respect and don't value yourself very highly.  

At this early stage, it's probably not a big deal.  Every once in awhile he might even manage to see you, treat you well on your dates and have a great time!

But again he's observing and forming an opinion, a judgment.  And not a good one, even though he himself might be attracted to you. 

We teach people how to treat us.

You don't have to stop seeing him.  If me, having learned what I have, I would.

But you don't have to.  Just stop making everything so darn easy for him!

That's all.  He won't respect you or value you. 

We value most the things we have to work for a bit.

True for both men and women.

I mean look at you?  How hard you're working, and how highly you value him as a result. 

He is your person!  And you're willing to accept things you most likely would not if he were not your person.

Think about it.

 

I feel like maybe I'm expecting too much too early. He isn't my boyfriend.  He has a life, as do I. He isn't rushing into things. I think,maybe scared he did that with his ex-wife. 

Maybe I just need to go with the flow and let this unfold more organically. A lot of people I've talked to said they don't think it's a huge deal, we've been on three dates and haven't even kissed yet. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I feel like maybe I'm expecting too much too early. He isn't my boyfriend.  He has a life, as do I. He isn't rushing into things. I think,maybe scared he did that with his ex-wife. 

Maybe I just need to go with the flow and let this unfold more organically. A lot of people I've talked to said they don't think it's a huge deal, we've been on three dates and haven't even kissed yet. 

You have been out three times and he's flaked twice both on Saturday nights.

I totally understand going with the flow and that he's not your boyfriend. And that he has a life. 

So what?  Does that somehow give him license to treat you like yesterday's newspaper, flaking the way he has?

Who are these people advising you to ignore that?

Did you read my entire post? Beginning to end?    It doesn't appear you did.

As I said, you do NOT have to stop seeing him.  Just stop making everything so easy for him, he won't value you.

Nuff said from me.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I feel like maybe I'm expecting too much too early.

Oh my lord.  You think you're expecting "too much" to expect a man (him) to keep the dates he makes and not flake?

Ok, not much more to say then.

Good luck with that Alex. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I feel like maybe I'm expecting too much too early. He isn't my boyfriend.  He has a life, as do I. He isn't rushing into things. I think,maybe scared he did that with his ex-wife. 

Maybe I just need to go with the flow and let this unfold more organically. A lot of people I've talked to said they don't think it's a huge deal, we've been on three dates and haven't even kissed yet. 

Go with the flow doesn’t mean settling - what are your personal standards about reliability- for friends too not just dates and please no “pass” for “oh it’s just guys “. Does he meet your standards ?  Please don’t tell yourself to go with the flow if it means sacrificing your personal standards.  Does that mean you’ll flow along merrily if he flakes again aboit your weekday plan ? You’ve had chemistry in person the few times you’ve met.
 

Do you think if he keeps flaking out with lame excuses you’ll still be attracted to him ? Might you be even more attracted in the thrill of the chase way ? If you are excited by the challenge of winning him over and his flakiness fuels it - and that’s your main goal and priority - in person chemistry to the exclusion of your desire for someone to show up when he says he will -for it. Go with the flow. That’s not abuse of any sort. Just a choice you’re making. But again please do not complain later or attribute it to “men” - I mean you can complain- there’s no law against it - but I would think you’d like to own your choices including potential downsides. 
Also where is it coming from that only an exclusive boyfriend should act reliably and reciprocate with plans and show up reliably?  That’s odd. Especially since you complain about how brides you barely even know well anymore spring last minute plan changes on you. Etc. 

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Oh my lord.  You think you're expecting "too much" to expect a man (him) to keep the dates he makes and not flake?

Ok, not much more to say then.

Good luck with that Alex. 

I guess OP mean she is expecting to much according to the outcome… but here is the issue, you shouldn’t expect anything in the dating phase, which is really hard to do when you like someone. Hence her willingness to discover more about him even if he didn’t show real interest yet… 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I guess OP mean she is expecting to much according to the outcome… but here is the issue, you shouldn’t expect anything in the dating phase, which is really hard to do when you like someone. Hence her willingness to discover more about him even if he didn’t show real interest yet… 

I think when getting to know a new person it’s reasonable to expect reliability and reciprocity and basic respect for your time. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

you shouldn’t expect anything in the dating phase,

Disagree.  At the very LEAST you should expect a man who IS interested to keep the dates he makes and not cancel. 

Bare minimum.

By not expecting "anything" you set yourself up to be strung along and used.

What's best is to "lower" expectations, have "reasonable" expectations.

Expecting a man to show up is not unreasonable, again it's the bare minimum.

[catfeeder]

You mentioned going on other dates, Alex. Who were the guys, and how did those go?

Are you still working on meeting new people?

[Alex39]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You mentioned going on other dates, Alex. Who were the guys, and how did those go?

Are you still working on meeting new people?

I didn't like any of them. I went in open minded. One guy told me he swears he is the re-incarnation of his great grandfather who was a singer, then proceeded to break into high pitched song to show off his chops. I had to stop myself from laughing. It was horrible. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You mentioned going on other dates, Alex. Who were the guys, and how did those go?

Are you still working on meeting new people?

Good question. 

No doubt HE is.  In fact, I'd bet my 401K he has another date Saturday night and that is why he canceled.

Not at all buying this "guys night out," not for one second. 

@Batya discussed utilizing common sense in an earlier post, this is one of those times where doing so comes in really handy.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I didn't like any of them. I went in open minded. One guy told me he swears he is the re-incarnation of his great grandfather who was a singer, then proceeded to break into high pitched song to show off his chops. I had to stop myself from laughing. It was horrible. 

The irony is if your guy did that, you'd find it endearing and adorable. 

 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The irony is if your guy did that, you'd find it endearing and adorable. 

 

I'm telling you, I think if any guy did it, I'd be turned off. Honestly, it was really weird. I like manly men. This guy I like is manly. The guy who sang, not so much. He was more feminine. Not my type. But he treated me well and wants to see me again. I wasnt sure I was into him.  

[Jaunty]

@Alex39, here is the thing:  

You described what you wanted at the beginning of your threads about getting into online dating.  You were clear about your criteria.   

You have connected with this particular guy.  Now ALL of your criteria is out the window.

What this guy clearly offers to you is availability to "hang out" with you WHEN HE HAS NOTHING 'BETTER' TO DO.  

This was not part of  your initial criteria.

Changing your criteria is fine, but I do not think that it's "fine" to suddenly accept something just because you now have a crush on a guy- so whatever he does is A-OK.

My personal issue here is mainly with the consistent jacking you around. 

That is what it is, and nothing different.  He is jacking you around when he makes a plan with you and then just bails on it because he gets another bite on his OLD profile  (this is almost certainly what's happening).

A man who does this with a woman in early dating is NOT going to suddenly change.  This is the guy, this is something he's comfortable doing with you, this is a pattern already.  

You are OK with this?  I do not believe you are, and I do hope I am right.  

You sure wouldn't accept being treated like an afterthought like this by your female friends.  We'd all be hearing about it.

Right?

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm telling you, I think if any guy did it, I'd be turned off. Honestly, it was really weird. I like manly men. This guy I like is manly. The guy who sang, not so much. He was more feminine. Not my type. But he treated me well and wants to see me again. I wasnt sure I was into him.  

OK fair enough. 

Hopefully your guy won't cancel Tuesday and that there will be at least some physical affection.

A kiss, something that indicates physical attraction. 

Some couples are having sex on the fourth date, so a simple kiss isn't too much to expect imo. 

Again, it's reasonable to expect this imo, to assure he doesn't see you as some sort of time filler when he feels like it, he enjoys your attention and/or simply a friend with flirty undertones.