Nervous for a date

[kehratha]

16 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

🤷🏻‍♀️I couldn’t go on a date with someone who needed alcohol to calm down. 

Me neither, but  I have double standards :)) (joking)

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I couldn’t go on a date with someone who needed alcohol to calm down. 

How do you know this if you've only ever dated your husband? 🙂

(Slightly) unsober dates can be cool!

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

How do you know this if you've only ever dated your husband? 🙂

(Slightly) unsober dates can be cool!

Because I have been exposed to people who drink and had a drinking problem when I was 14 to 24 and I don’t like it. Plus, I was raped many times by someone who was always hammered. THAT’s how. 

[boltnrun]

Whether getting a buzz on is cool and fun, it's just not safe to be buzzed or intoxicated when alone with a stranger. Alex has no idea if this man is decent. 

I don't think Alex needs to be frightened all the time but it's common sense to have your wits about you when meeting a stranger alone. Even when you meet in public. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Seraphim said:

My first date was sober .🤷🏻‍♀️I couldn’t go on a date with someone who needed alcohol to calm down. My now husband was nervous but it was endearing . 

Same. I was good at not showing nervousness but didn’t mind - and even liked - if the man was. Sweet !  Also I did drink but like half glass of wine like that. Just because I enjoyed wine not to calm down. I wasn’t comfortable with men who were all about drinking on a first date. 

[Type O Negative]

4 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Because I have been exposed to people who drink and had a drinking problem when I was 14 to 24 and I don’t like it. Plus, I was raped many times by someone who was always hammered. THAT’s how. 

I'm so sorry - didn't know. 😔

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Type O Negative said:

I'm so sorry - didn't know. 😔

That’s ok. Maybe the assumption was I have very little life experiences because I have been married to one person all my life. 😉But not so. I have had an extremely experienced life in many ways. 

[shouldhavelearned]

So what happened?

[Wiseman2]

On 6/14/2023 at 3:25 PM, Alex39 said:

I sit there quietly smiling and acting perfect. 

When is the date and what do you have planned? Definitely do not try to be "perfect".  Relax, be a good listener and try to get to know him. Make sure you're not auditioning for the role of future wife. 

[Alex39]

So we have our date set for next week.  We texted throughout the day on Wednesday.  Then he sent me a cute "good morning beautiful. Hope you have a great day" text on Thursday morning. Now it's midday Friday and I haven't heard from him again since Thursday morning. 

Is this normal? I mean we set the date, so maybe now the pressure is off to be checking in?

He has his daughter so he's probably busy. I don't know exactly how to navigate this? How often to talk to someone? I'm excited to meet him. What if we don't talk all weekend until our date next week? Is that weird?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

. I don't know exactly how to navigate this? How often to talk to someone? 

Respond whenever he contacts you. It seems to be going well and the date is set up so go with the flow.

[boltnrun]

Messages are not "talking". It just sets up a false sense of connection which then makes it difficult to detach if you two end up not being compatible.

I get that the attention feels good. But don't get ahead of yourself. He's not your boyfriend so there's no need for constant or even daily messages. No, it's not "weird" for a stranger to not be obligated to message you every day.

Please don't get "very excited". This is a first meet with a man who's a stranger. That's it. He may or may not be right for you. 

[Alex39]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Messages are not "talking". It just sets up a false sense of connection which then makes it difficult to detach if you two end up not being compatible.

I get that the attention feels good. But don't get ahead of yourself. He's not your boyfriend so there's no need for constant or even daily messages. No, it's not "weird" for a stranger to not be obligated to message you every day.

Please don't get "very excited". This is a first meet with a man who's a stranger. That's it. He may or may not be right for you. 

Got it. Just a first date. No pressure. Just be my cute self. Clean, kind, and conversational. I will be fine, because I have a good life and lots to talk about. I plan to ask him about himself. Just seeing how this will go. I will be fine I think. I'm excited and nervous. It's a date! I think anyone would be. 

[boltnrun]

Of course! Nervous and feeling anticipation is normal and even fun. It becomes NOT fun when you place pressure or expectations on yourself or the guy you're going on the date with. 

And it's a date. Not necessarily a "first date". That implies you expect more dates with this guy. He may be a dud. You may not find him compatible for any number of reasons. So it's a date, period.

If you find yourself fantasizing about the future with this guy or wondering about being a step mom, stop yourself and redirect your thoughts. Tell yourself "calm down, it's just one date". 

Don't forget to enjoy yourself.

[Batya33]

There’s no reason to text throughout the day with a stranger who you have a first meet with and it’s particularly risky for you with your mindset.  Text if you need to confirm the plan or change it. When you have your first meet talk to him in person. If it goes fine perhaps he’ll ask you out on a first date. Or not. No expectations 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Of course! Nervous and feeling anticipation is normal and even fun. It becomes NOT fun when you place pressure or expectations on yourself or the guy you're going on the date with. 

And it's a date. Not necessarily a "first date". That implies you expect more dates with this guy. He may be a dud. You may not find him compatible for any number of reasons. So it's a date, period.

If you find yourself fantasizing about the future with this guy or wondering about being a step mom, stop yourself and redirect your thoughts. Tell yourself "calm down, it's just one date". 

Don't forget to enjoy yourself.

I do start fantasizing about the future. I hate when I do that. Then I show up on dates and am so nervous I barely have anything to say. My brain goes completely blank. I want love in my life. I can't get too excited and too anticipatory of someone I don't even know. 

[Seraphim]

Congrats on the date ! 

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do start fantasizing about the future. I hate when I do that. Then I show up on dates and am so nervous I barely have anything to say. My brain goes completely blank. I want love in my life. I can't get too excited and too anticipatory of someone I don't even know. 

Then stop yourself and repeat "This is one date. This is not a marriage proposal. Besides, I might not even like him enough to want to see him again."

And be honest. If you just don't feel it, don't think "well, an incompatible boyfriend is better than no boyfriend." Because it's not. 

[Jaunty]

Be clear about one thing:  Your job is not to try to be what you think will win this guy over.  You're there to get to know him, and let him get to know you.  Maybe you aren't right for each other, maybe you have potential.

So many young women on these forums are just so focussed on "how INTO me is he" that they completely fail to notice whether "he" is a suitable guy for her to even go out with.  

[Alex39]

So I went on the date. I thought I looked fabulous. The date was great. I was comfortable.  We chatted away. It was easy. He said he was shocked I was single and struggling to find soneone because I was beautiful, had a good career, was personable and outgoing. 

The date was great. He was someone I'd definitely see again. 

Then he hit me with a bombshell. He said he wanted to take me out. But he wanted to be honest. He is moving in two and a half months 3 hours away. 

He told me he doesn't want to move, but he struggles to find good childcare for his daughter,  and he's moving to be near his mother. 

I was really sad to hear this. 

But, he wants to continue to hangout and spend time together until then. Then he said we could always visit each other.

I don't know what to think if this. Should I keep seeing him? 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Then he hit me with a bombshell. He said he wanted to take me out. But he wanted to be honest. He is moving in two and a half months 3 hours away. 

Then he said we could always visit each other.

My advice is this.  If you're looking for love and long term commitment, take a pass.  I'm not sure I would even believe him that he's moving away.  Many guys use this line cause they want an easy out if they get bored or find a better option.  

I find it uncanny how many men in today's dating environment and specifically on the apps claim  they're moving away soon or have a long vacation planned immediately after meeting a woman in person.  

With guys I have met in real life (which is my preference), that has never happened!

IDK it's up to you.  But honestly, I have heard a lot of BS from some men on the apps and this is one.   If I had more time I'd share some funny stories about it. 

Anyway, for me, as soon as I hear it, I roll my eyes (to myself), wish them well and be on my merry way. 

Sorry, wish I could be more positive, good luck whatever you decide.

[boltnrun]

Be honest with yourself. Will you be able to rein in your feelings if you were to continue to date him? What if you two were intimate? Do you tend to bond to men after intimacy?

I think it was immensely unfair of this man to be on dating apps when he knows he's moving away. It shows he's looking after his own interests and is fine with letting the chips (i.e., you) fall where they may.

Do you want to go through a heartbreak in a couple of months? If not, wish him well and go out with some of the other men who have expressed interest in you. 

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I find it uncanny how many men in today's dating environment and specifically on the apps claim  they're moving away soon or have a long vacation planned immediately after meeting a woman in person.  

 

Almost like they just want to "smash and go". 

Dont commit to this one. He is "feeding" you with nice words and what you want to hear but he wont stick around.

[rainbowsandroses]

54 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Almost like they just want to "smash and go". 

Dont commit to this one. He is "feeding" you with nice words and what you want to hear but he wont stick around.

Yup, it's an easy out.  The perfect ready-made excuse for ending things when they get bored or find a better option.  

I would also suggest deleting any men who contact you who live a long distance away.  You have to wonder why that is and why they're not contacting local woman. 

Because local women are too close for comfort, among other reasons, none of them good. 

@Alex39are there any opportunities for you to meet men in real life?  Local men, men who are ready, willing, able and desirous of spending real time with you?  Men who are seeking a long term commitment?

Jmo, but a decent man would not have spent so much time texting you, creating a false intimacy on line prior to meet and then when he met you in person, hit you with "oh by the way, I'm moving away in two months. But let's hang out till then." 

Arghh!!!  

[shouldhavelearned]

That stinks

Appreciate the honesty and move on