Nervous for a date

[Alex39]

So he called two hours ago to ask if it was okay to move our plans for tonight to tomorrow.  He said he understood it was a pet peeve of mine to be left hanging, so he called as soon as he got out of work. He has had a tough week at work.  He said his parents were bugging him about printing out their tickets and helping with packing stuff for the trip, so he felt he was driving all around and just needed to get that stuff done tonight. 

He offered to reschedule for tomorrow morning/afternoon but let me know he has plans with his guy friend at 6pm. But he can spend the day with me. 

He did call me ahead of time and ask me if it was okay. Obviously, what am I going to say? No? So I said okay. He said he really wants to see me before the trip. 

I kind of just feel like he squeezes me in. But it's so early in our relationship.  Maybe I just need more of a life and I'd be squeezing him in. 

When I'm in a relationship,  the other person becomes a priority to me. Obviously,not over my job or anything, but I do consider them in my plans. 

He has had a hard work week. He's been exhausted every day from heavy labor. And he has a lot going on with this trip. He is still trying to see me and communicate. 

[Sindy_0311]

Ain’t you supposed to work tomorrow?? 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

he has plans with his guy friend at 6pm.

Isn’t he supposed to leave tomorrow?? 

[Alex39]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Isn’t he supposed to leave tomorrow?? 

I don't work Fridays and he isn't leaving until Saturday. 

[boltnrun]

So you're fine if he continually cancels on you as long as he lets you know a certain amount of time ahead? And it's fine that he rushes this alleged "plan" for tomorrow because he'd rather drink with his friend?

Oh Alex...why??? I mean, I know why ("Must.Have.Boyfriend") but I don't understand. I don't get why you settle for the first one that comes along and try to insist everything's just fine when it clearly isn't.

[Alex39]

I kind of feel like a loser. I'm sitting here all night with nothing to do. And he has all these plans and is busy. 

[Alex39]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So you're fine if he continually cancels on you as long as he lets you know a certain amount of time ahead? And it's fine that he rushes this alleged "plan" for tomorrow because he'd rather drink with his friend?

Oh Alex...why??? I mean, I know why ("Must.Have.Boyfriend") but I don't understand. I don't get why you settle for the first one that comes along and try to insist everything's just fine when it clearly isn't.

I feel like a part of the problem is that I don't have a lot going on in my own life. My friends are married and are doing things with their husbands, and are and having babies. They don't want to stay out late drinking or going to concerts. So I stay in a lot doing nothing. I workout, work, eat, cook, clean. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I kind of feel like a loser. I'm sitting here all night with nothing to do. And he has all these plans and is busy. 

You'll see him tomorrow. You can see friends relax or do whatever you want. 

[Sindy_0311]

I thought this was your last opportunity to see each other before he leaves… apparently not… ? 

[Alex39]

My friends aren't around tonight. It's too last minute. We like to plan way ahead. They have husband's and kids, so they can't just drop everything. 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I thought this was your last opportunity to see each other before he leaves… apparently not… ? 

Yeah apparently not. We'll see if tomorrow even happens. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. They don't want to stay out late drinking or going to concerts. So I stay in a lot doing nothing. I workout, work, eat, cook, clean. 

That's not the only thing in life. You could certainly join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons.  This is Your responsibility, not your friends or a BF.

Just because he goes to clubs and bars and drinks a lot and goes to concerts, it doesn't mean you have to. In fact if you went out more to respectable places you could meet a better class of men. 

A BF can't fulfill every need however this particular guy would much rather party than be with you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

34 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He did call me ahead of time and ask me if it was okay. Obviously, what am I going to say? No?

Yes, that's exactly what you say!

I don't understand why this is difficult for you. 

"Sorry, but no that won't work for me.  Enjoy your time with your friends, talk to you when you return from your trip."

Then go live your life.

This turkey cancels because he KNOWS he can and good ole reliable Alex will always be available.

He will never change because there is nothing "inspiring" him to change.  

There is nothing inspiring him to even want to see you; he acts likes he's doing you a big favor by suggesting tomorrow before he goes out partying with his friends.

It's insulting and embarrassing.

You said you don't want to be boring, so begin cultivating a life, stop being such a pushover and allowing him to essentially use you as something to do when he has nothing better. 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yeah apparently not. We'll see if tomorrow even happens. 

I feel sorry for you. But you should have canceled for tonight. He had no struggle to do so… consider it’s over. And please don’t see him tomorrow. Let him leave and fade away… 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yeah apparently not. We'll see if tomorrow even happens. 

It won't.

Alex, you are choosing this life.

People have thoughtfully given you lots of suggestions on how to have a more fulfilling life but you chose instead to focus on trying to find some guy to be your boyfriend, and then relying on him to fill all of your free time. You seem to have this mindset that nothing is fun or fulfilling unless there's a boyfriend to go with you. But you have it all backwards. You go out into the world to meet people. You don't finagle a way to rope in a "boyfriend" and then go places with him.

I'm sorry you've chosen to sit at home accommodating this guy's constant cancellations. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. We'll see if tomorrow even happens. 

The biggest problem was pushing this exclusive agenda on date 5 so you could say you have a BF. But what's the point of a BF who only comes up with excuse after excuse not to see you?

Forget "exclusive". While he's off partying on vacation get yourself a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

You know very well he's a party boy not a monk, especially on this vacation.  Sure he'll send pics of the fun he's having "including you" in his life. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I don't think it matters whether they're exclusive or not. 

Guy is rude with all his cancellations and squeezing her in as if he's doing her a big favor. 

Exclusivity has nothing to do with it.

Guy doesn't give a sh*t plain and simple.

 

[kim42]

Have you considered making new friends? It might be easier to hang out with friends who are single or without kids. I think it could help you to feel less lonely.

 

[boltnrun]

If you want an actual boyfriend to do things with and who is eager to see you and spend time with you...this guy ain't him.

[Batya33]

If this was the very first time. Ok. At this point. Heck no. Especially because he’s leaving. And won’t reschedule with his buddy tomorrow night if he’s “too tired?”  I’d make other plans for tomorrow. How can you stomach this ? Pun intended. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Baffles me that people get into relationships with folks they have no congruent chemistry with and then get sad and confused that that person would rather be with people they do have chemistry with, in this case it’s his friends. 
 

he’s just not that into you, and you just aren’t that into him in ways that really matter or make it worth it. 
 

there are guys out there somewhere who you will have chemistry with, and they’ll prefer to spend their time with you over others. But you’re not going to meet those men sitting on your couch whinging about a man who doesn’t give two flying f*cks about you 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I kind of feel like a loser. I'm sitting here all night with nothing to do. And he has all these plans and is busy. 

And, you are his LAST PRIORITY.  Sorry to be so blunt, but if he was "that into you,"  plans he made with you would be FIRST priority.

Here is correct "boyfriend" (or girlfriend for that matter) behavior:

Do not make plans with the GF you are not sure you can keep.

If something else comes up, you say "I'm sorry.  I've already made plans with @Alex39  I can help you with that tomorrow."

Relationship 101, it's a given.  Things like what this clown does might happen one time over the course of a year or two.  

Can't you see that you come LAST?  He always makes plans with you that he feels are tentative; something more interesting to him comes up, you are the one who is expendable.  

It kills me that you call being "in a relationship" where you are literally the LAST PRIORITY a "pet peeve,"  That is absolutely whacked.

 

[Batya33]

When I was working crazy hours as was my bf at the time and we were fried and exhausted he came to my office with Chinese takeout just so we could hang for an hour in the break room. We were in our 30s. I did similar for him. No brainer. 

[Jaunty]

One more thing: 

@Alex39, hanging around your place on the couch with awkward conversations about "what kind of house would you like to have if we get married" and not even good sex is BORING.   

This deal you have going on is not going to last much longer, I agree with the others who have said that.  If you  try to date after this, and I do hope you will,  I sure hope you will go back to the criteria you laid out for what you were looking for in a man and relationship.  Your bar here is so low that if you go any lower you'll be on "Love After Lockup" with a romantic prison penpal situation.  I'm not even kidding.  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, somehow you need to gain some control and self-respect back, you seem to have lost it somewhere along the way.

Sooo......

My advice would be to (1) politely tell him you can't make tomorrow after all and you'll talk to him when he returns from his trip, (2) do NOT text him tonight or talk on the phone, (3) go no contact until he's back from trip and let HIM contact you. 

If he never does, let it go and move on.

NOT as some sort of punishment but rather to get "you" back. 

Or you could end it now before he leaves but don't think you're strong enough to do that. 

I wish you would though, I think HE may want you too as well.  Hence how brazen he's become with his cancellations.  I've actually never seen or heard of a man being quite so brazen. 

I mean he couldn't possibly expect you to be okay with this - two cancellations in a row so he could spend time with his friends.  That's pretty darn brazen! 

Once it's over, use this experience as a wake up call that you may need some professional help.  Your thought processes are completely out of whack.

If you don't, expect this to happen again.  Different guy, same story. 

I'm sorry..