MissCanuck Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: It's more about what to do to stop obsessing over someone. I would instead spend your energy on figuring out how to avoid developing these obsessions to begin with, especially when you hardly know the person. That is what will save you more angst in the long-run. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 So you like to "fall in love" over and over again? That's not conducive to a long term relationship. Of course we love and adore our partners but we don't "fall in love" with them repeatedly. At least not like meeting someone new and getting infatuated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 1 minute ago, boltnrun said: So you like to "fall in love" over and over again? That's not conducive to a long term relationship. Of course not. I'm not necessarily looking for a man to spend the rest of my life with or start a family with ( I already had that). I'm looking for someone to build a serious and committed relationship, share deep connection and spend time together. be it for one year, 3 years or more, I don't have any expectations. I explained once that I don't want someone to live with, I don't want no more kids, I just want a partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 Perhaps you're fooling yourself that you don't bond through sex. Perhaps this might have been the case for you in the past, but things may have changed. You say you found out quicker by having sex with him who he really was. Well, IMO, if you're multi-dating, why not just enjoy beginning meet ups and dates with men with a wait and see attitude without giving the gift of your body. There are no guarantees, but a man whose goal is long term will likely have more patience, waiting to be intimate than the man whose sole goal is to bed you and then not stick around for the seriousness a committed relationship requires. So what if this takes a few months time? You will be going on fun outings, and taking several months to vette men is worth the lengthier time in the long run. There is a happy medium between a fast foot race and a marathon. Find that sweet spot. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 54 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: As I said, the intercourse wasn't that great. I experienced better connections on that level with guys I was dating only casually. I think the fantasy off what it would be like to have sex with him, would make it even harder to move on... Don't you remember the huge crush I had last year on my coworker during more than 3 month? we never kissed or do anything... but I couldn't help fantasize over him. Made it even worse... oh ok. I can’t really relate. But I see a pattern of you like being in love or infatuation and are not patient enough to get to know the person. Do you fear you’d get bored of a real person ? Having intercourse right away let’s you pretend it was an intimate encounter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 22 minutes ago, Andrina said: So what if this takes a few months time? You will be going on fun outings, and taking several months to vette men is worth the lengthier time in the long run. There is a happy medium between a fast foot race and a marathon. Find that sweet spot. Hi Andrina, Yes in fact I've already decided to change that and give myself more time to discover guys. I will try at least 5 or 6 dates to begin with... and will go on shorter dates, won't invite guys over and will keep texting and calls between dates at minimum... Also will try not show too many signs of interest in the beginning... what else can I implement? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 17 minutes ago, Batya33 said: But I see a pattern of you like being in love or infatuation and are not patient enough to get to know the person. yes, clearly... you are right. 18 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Do you fear you’d get bored of a real person ? In fact yes because I usually get bored pretty fast... Also have to mention that except once, I never have been left by a guy. Was always me breaking up because I was beginning to get bored and started to dislike to many things about them. Usually it happens like a sudden twist after one year or so, from one day to another, its dead. and It's scary... Would that be the case if I found the right one? Maybe it was just a sign of me never really finding my mister right? I don't know... 24 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Having intercourse right away let’s you pretend it was an intimate encounter. What do you mean exactly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 41 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: In fact yes because I usually get bored pretty fast... Also have to mention that except once, I never have been left by a guy. Was always me breaking up because I was beginning to get bored and started to dislike to many things about them. Usually it happens like a sudden twist after one year or so, from one day to another, its dead. and It's scary... Would that be the case if I found the right one? Maybe it was just a sign of me never really finding my mister right? I don't know... No it was/is a sign that you fear true emotional intimacy with a man and can only enjoy the "honeymoon" stage. Infatuation, limerance, butterflies. True intimacy goes much deeper and entails revealing parts/truths about yourself that you yourself are uncomfortable with and have buried within. It's allowing yourself to be truly "seen" by your partner. And yes sometimes you will feel "bored" (for lack if a better word) which to me is actually reaching that comfort level wherein it's not necessary to entertain each other or experience those butterflies to feel an intense connection with each other.. In fact, for me personally, I have felt more connected to my partner when we are lying together under a tree at a park not saying a damn thing. And simply enjoying the quiet, the silence together and feeling truly loved. Reading your posts, and I hope you don't take offense, you sound like a "love addict." Love addiction is a real thing and since you're into Googling to gather information and insight, Google love addiction. Jumping from one intense relationship to another in search of the eternal "high" you feel from infatuation and limerance which is never sustainable and frankly I wouldn't want it to be! Words like "I was bored" and "no longer feeling it" are typical phrases used among love addicts. Short term relationships (3-6 months) are their specialty. Love bombing is also pretty standard.. For such people, there is no "one right person." Oh sure, they are right for that moment but as soon as the infatuation ends and the opportunity for a deeper intimacy presents itself, the love addicted person is gone, searching for their next high. It's possible you felt a "deep connection" with this guy from your very first date because you are actually two peas in a pod, cut from the same cloth. You're stunned and thrown off because HE cut things off first. Something to consider? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Reading your posts, and I hope you don't take offense, you sound like a "love addict." Love addiction is a real thing and since you're into Googling to gather information and insight, Google love addiction. OMG, this is so relevant. 🙏🙏 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said: what else can I implement? I would gather what a guy's relationship history has been. Not in detail but in general, like what was his longest relationship. The reason for the ending of his last major relationship. You can get good info learning if there is a bad pattern or if he has the capability of being in a long term relationship, and it didn't end because he cheated, etc. Of course, a person might not be truthful, but most people's real selves will eventually come out. Past the honeymoon stage, see if a guy takes care of you when you're sick, comes to your aid when needed, is financially responsible, treats his family and friends well, makes you a priority, puts in equal effort. It takes a special person to be your lifetime partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: She just tried to gather informations to help me move one... Sindy, it's interesting and confusing how you present yourself as very didactic in your program for meeting, dating, and having sex to gauge compatibility. You are adamant that you do not get attached through sex, and I believe what you say - yet here you are. You met a guy 3 times and you seem to be quite obsessed with him. Why? From what you describe he comes off as a garden variety player. A pretty low-level one who didn't put out much notable effort and never behaved like a boyfriend, because the contact was too brief for that. So just some chatting, a couple of dates, and sex one time. Why is it so hard to move on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said: Hi Andrina, Yes in fact I've already decided to change that and give myself more time to discover guys. I will try at least 5 or 6 dates to begin with... and will go on shorter dates, won't invite guys over and will keep texting and calls between dates at minimum... Also will try not show too many signs of interest in the beginning... what else can I implement? This is a good example of what I'm talking about when I say you are didactic and have a strict protocol for dating. I don't think it's serving you well. You are not open to receiving information, you are going through steps that are supposed to lead from one thing to the next. The realities of a human being and what you find out along the way aren't present. It's more about whether the guy completes the steps. That "proves" he's into you and you are proceeding, but you don't KNOW him. Do you feel like you really know, or knew your ex husband well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 14 minutes ago, Andrina said: I would gather what a guy's relationship history has been. Not in detail but in general, like what was his longest relationship. The reason for the ending of his last major relationship. You can get good info learning if there is a bad pattern or if he has the capability of being in a long term relationship, and it didn't end because he cheated, etc. Of course, a person might not be truthful, but most people's real selves will eventually come out. Past the honeymoon stage, see if a guy takes care of you when you're sick, comes to your aid when needed, is financially responsible, treats his family and friends well, makes you a priority, puts in equal effort. It takes a special person to be your lifetime partner. I agree with this but in @Sindy_0311case, based on her postings, and her admission in her last that she may be a "love addict," it may be beneficial for her to look within herself at her own history and determine if she herself would make a great partner in a LTR. Nothing is gained by vilifyiny this guy. Look within at your role and why you are the way you are and why you attract the types of men you attract and so easily fall for them and their apparent BS. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 It's fine to go from one short-lived situation to the next as long as the men involved are on board. That way you'll get to relive that "new" feeling with several men over the course of however many years you're able to sustain this preference. But what happens when the well runs dry? And you're not attracting the numbers of men you used to? Will you want something with more substance at that point? Will it be too late by then? I guess if you're not concerned about the future it won't matter to you if at some point you no longer have a pool of men to choose from. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 6 minutes ago, boltnrun said: It'a fine to go from one short-lived situation to the next as long as the men involved are on board. That way you'll get to relive that "new" feeling with several men over the course of however many years you're able to sustain this preference This is very true however if this is the path chosen, you run the risk of the man getting bored first and leaving. Just like this man did, immediately after sex. Some men may stay longer if the sex is hot, but the risk of him getting bored first, while you're still on that "high" is still there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I agree with this but in @Sindy_0311case, based on her postings, and her admission in her last that she may be a "love addict," it may be beneficial for her to look within herself at her own history and determine if she herself would make a great partner in a LTR. Nothing is gained by vilifyiny this guy. Look within at your role and why you are the way you are and why you attract the types of men you attract and so easily fall for them and their apparent BS. I think I’m going to work on that. Trying to understand where this disfunction comes from. Because it’s true I display every symptoms of a love addict. From extreme infatuation, to controlling, stalking, doing stupid things, to obsess about these guys and loose sight of anything else going on in my life, having a hard time to concentrate, sleep or even function normally on a daily routine. I think it all has to do with this addiction. About my ex husband. I did know him for one year when we decided to move in together, but I never developed those deep feelings for him. In fact I developed a obsession over someone else while we were married, but nothing ever happened. I have been obsessing over this guy for about 2 years. This fantasy kept me “alive” for 2 years. And when it fell down, I decided to divorce to give me a chance to find “true love” which apparently is not. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: And when it fell down, I decided to divorce to give me a chance to find “true love” which apparently is not. So it appears that you are not quite in the place to look for "true love" at the moment. You're not vetting men or your interactions with them with an eye to that goal. Seems like you're setting up "romantic" flings. Unfortunately for you, many men see this type of fling as a very sort term, even one-time event. They're not "using" a woman for sex necessarily, but that was the main goal and when it's reached there isn't much incentive to go on with it. How did you finally get past your obsession with that co-worker of yours? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I think I’m going to work on that. Trying to understand where this disfunction comes from. Because it’s true I display every symptoms of a love addict. From extreme infatuation, to controlling, stalking, doing stupid things, to obsess about these guys and loose sight of anything else going on in my life, having a hard time to concentrate, sleep or even function normally on a daily routine. I think it all has to do with this addiction. Oh dear, I just threw it out there, I had no idea what a large role it plays in your daily life! Anyway, it's good you're aware of it now and have owned it (versus blaming the men you choose), that's the first step towards healing. Does this forum have a journal section? I'd love to continue supporting you on your journey. 😂 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 16 minutes ago, Jaunty said: How did you finally get past your obsession with that co-worker of yours? By meeting someone else and transferring the obsession 😂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: By meeting someone else and transferring the obsession 😂 OK. So you are actively practicing "love addiction" and you're just in it for the high. And it's kind of a hobby also. Is that accurate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: In fact yes because I usually get bored pretty fast... Also have to mention that except once, I never have been left by a guy. Was always me breaking up because I was beginning to get bored and started to dislike to many things about them. Usually it happens like a sudden twist after one year or so, from one day to another, its dead. and It's scary... Would that be the case if I found the right one? Maybe it was just a sign of me never really finding my mister right? I don't know... Well, possibly, because you dive right in to romanticize the objects of your focus so quickly. Then when you land them you discover you’re bored, because your focus had just been limited to winning them rather than knowing them. So of course you’re flabbergasted by one you couldn’t win, because that’s your only real focus. I think I was the same way. I actually stopped dating because I would keep getting myself into relationships that I only wanted to get out of, and even after just a few dates I’d feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of breaking away and hurting someone just because I played too hard in a direction I didn’t really want to go. This is unconscious stuff, no matter how well we can rationalize it to isolate certain instances and pretend we’ll be more plugged in next time. With this latest guy you’re learning the flip side—there are players who can outplay the player. I never thought of myself as a player, but the only guys who drove me obsessive were the ones who didn’t cooperate with my fantasies. All the rest ended up getting ousted eventually because they were no longer fun to play with. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 1 hour ago, Jaunty said: OK. So you are actively practicing "love addiction" and you're just in it for the high. And it's kind of a hobby also. Is that accurate? Well I wouldn’t say it’s a “hobby”. I already knew I had anxious attachment caused by childhood traumas. And it’s not something I enjoy, believe me. My attachment injuries do affect me in many ways. It’s appears to be more serious than I toughly. And I’m so grateful to @rainbowsandroses to have pointed it out. I will take it seriously and start my journey to healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 47 minutes ago, catfeeder said: I never thought of myself as a player, but the only guys who drove me obsessive were the ones who didn’t cooperate with my fantasies. All the rest ended up getting ousted eventually because they were no longer fun to play with. Exactly. Obsession begins when guys show some resistance or inconsistency. In fact the only guys driving me crazy were the players. The ones that showed much of interest were the ones I rejected. I guess my mantra was “you want what you can’t have” hence also the reason why I developed this obsession with the Italian. Would he have been consistant, all in, I would have lost interest very fast. It’s so unhealthy… but it’s how it is… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 22 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I guess my mantra was “you want what you can’t have” hence also the reason why I developed this obsession with the Italian. Would he have been consistant, all in, I would have lost interest very fast. It’s so unhealthy. You know this reflects low self-esteem and low self-worth, right? As Groucho Marx said "I wouldn't want to join any club who would accept me as a member." I would explore that, on your own and/or with the help of a qualified therapist. Cause you're right, it's not healthy and it's causing you a lot of pain and unhappiness. It's a difficult journey to navigate, so be patient with yourself. And continue reaching out here for support! 💛 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sindy_0311 Posted June 17, 2023 Author Share Posted June 17, 2023 10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: You know this reflects low self-esteem and low self-worth, right? As Groucho Marx said "I wouldn't want to join any club who would accept me as a member." I would explore that, on your own and/or with the help of a qualified therapist. Cause you're right, it's not healthy and it's causing you a lot of pain and unhappiness. It's a difficult journey to navigate, so be patient with yourself. And continue reaching out here for support! 💛 I already went through many therapies and currently am. I regained self esteem, at least enough to feel good about myself most of the time. But I guess my childhood made me develop these unhealthy behaviors. The journey will be difficult, but will be good 😊 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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