I feel like my husband is emotionally immature and it's causing me to feel disconnected from him and

[beckybestie]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean that he is a 28 year old man. He doesnt need micromanaging and a relationship course to treat her properly, he should already know that. If she has to tell him that, for example, he has to open a door for her always, or to buy her flowers on certain dates, or to schedule dates(I dont even know what "weekly check ins" is about lol), than that means she is just forcing him to do that. He already behaves in a certain way, he doesnt want to learn that so after a while he rejects her "teachings" and starts to complain. Which is exactly what is happening here. Because again, he is not a guinea pig, he is a full blown adult man that does stuff in a certain way. But OP probably wanted to change him and micromanage him into her dream guy or something. Without even thinking that maybe if their "love languages" arent there, they just arent compatible.

Well, that is what happens when you try to force a connection. You cant just force some things. He has to be willing to connect with you and do all those stuff. Without you micromanaging every aspect of that. 

Also please dont tell me its Tik Tok or youtube videos you are watching. If you want to work on things you need a proper professional and marriage conseling. Not "Jessy C and her amazing 30 second Tic Tok about love languages where she puts make up on her and gives love advices".

 no it was actually a snippet from a workshop held by a family and relationship therapist that I follow lol  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, beckybestie said:

 I'm the one that needs relationship education. I didn't have healthy models growing up . Maybe I'm just projecting that onto him. 

Agree. You seem to have insight that this is a lot of projection. You seem to care for him so try to discontinue the analysis paralysis.  Try to make sure you create a relaxing place of comfort for yourself him and your relationship.

The last thing you want is to turn your home into a regimented prison and your marriage into this cult like dynamic.

Does he work and have a work visa or would he be deported if the marriage ended?

[beckybestie]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. You seem to have insight that this is a lot of projection. You seem to care for him so try to discontinue the analysis paralysis.  Try to make sure you create a relaxing place of comfort for yourself him and your relationship.

The last thing you want is to turn your home into a regimented prison and your marriage into this cult like dynamic.

Does he work and have a work visa or would he be deported if the marriage ended?

I absolutely will. Thank you for challenging my perspectives, I don't have much frame of reference besides my own thoughts - literal. So it can be haarrrrrrd.
 

He does work and has a work visa, but he has only been here 1 year and a half so it is a temporary one. So he needs to go every year to the immigration office so they can "determine" his stay. 

[Jaunty]

OP, I think that if you keep up this path of being obsessed with pop psychology pamphlets and social media content, you will end up coming to the (factual) conclusion that most of it is what we call "psychobabble" and does not really translate into successful interpersonal relationships.  

As much as you want him to read a book or follow some TikTok guru, you would be better served to just pay attention to him, who he is, and learn how to relate with him well.  

Or, just dissolve the marriage, if that's the right move for you.      

[Capricorn3]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you're creating a parent-child relationship. Nothing kills the romance and breeds mutual resentment faster than that. You're trying to fix and change him and that will frustrate both of you. 

Please discontinue with all the check-ins, homework, lessons, books, couples seminars, links, videos, etc. You're turning the marriage into an unbearable frustrating chore. 

Focus on quality time together such as date nights and weekends getaways.  That's more conducive to emotional intimacy than all this relationship homework. Talk to each other as people in love, not as people who need lessons for everything. Please put down all the books and homework and talk to each other and do things together.

 

^ I second the above - and below:

Wiseman:  "This seems like a rehabilitation program not intimacy. Please reconsider your stance on this. This isn't about his "immaturity", this is about your "obsession" with psychology. Not many partners would be able to endure this regimen."

OP, give the guy a break. He's not some project for you to work on. It must be incredibly exhausting for him coming home to constant psychobabble and "lessons to be learned".  He's not a child.

Focus on the man himself. Do things together, go hiking, to the gym, anything fun in which you to can grow together and bond.  It will benefit you both (imo).

[poorlittlefish]

6 hours ago, beckybestie said:

He does work and has a work visa, but he has only been here 1 year and a half so it is a temporary one. So he needs to go every year to the immigration office so they can "determine" his stay. 

Don't be surprised if he ups and leaves once this determination has been made.  I personally know two people this has happened to, myself being one of them.  In both cases, the husbands were cheating because they'd got their right to stay in the country and no longer gave a cr*p.  Neither of us were psychoanalysing or micromanaging our husbands and it still happened.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, beckybestie said:

 has a work visa, but he has only been here 1 year and a half so it is a temporary one. So he needs to go every year to the immigration office so they can "determine" his stay. 

 How did you meet? Are you from the same culture? Do you speak the same language? What type of work does he do? 

So you married him after he was in your country 6 mos? How did that happen? How long did you know him before you got married?

Did you think this through before you married for example if his work visa runs out are you stuck in a "green card marriage"?

Are you concerned he's just putting up with all this until he can establish residency? 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sorry @Batya33what part confuses you?  Was it this? 

Or was it something else? 

That you thought we did not agree on what was going on here.  Thanks!

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ I second the above - and below:

Wiseman:  "This seems like a rehabilitation program not intimacy. Please reconsider your stance on this. This isn't about his "immaturity", this is about your "obsession" with psychology. Not many partners would be able to endure this regimen."

OP, give the guy a break. He's not some project for you to work on. It must be incredibly exhausting for him coming home to constant psychobabble and "lessons to be learned".  He's not a child.

Focus on the man himself. Do things together, go hiking, to the gym, anything fun in which you to can grow together and bond.  It will benefit you both (imo).

I was going to suggest swing or salsa dancing lessons and also finding a show you both like to binge watch.  Also reminds me of the 2012 Meryl Streep movie Hope Springs -a blurb from Rotten Tomatoes website: Long-married couple Kay (Meryl Streep) and Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones) love each other, but after so many years together, Kay feels the need to spice things up and reconnect with her husband. Hearing of a renowned marriage counselor (Steve Carell) in the town of Great Hope Springs, Kay manages to persuade her stubborn mate to attend a retreat with her. As they shed their bedroom hang-ups, Kay and Arnold find that the real challenge is reigniting the spark that originally brought them together.

[the point is often this sort of approach by one person to "work on" the marriage with all this psychospeak intensity really boils down to the basic -are you into him enough? certainly not true of all couples and I am a huge fan of marriage counseling and therapy in a variety of situations but your imposing your will on him as you describe sounds more like that the underlying problem is you're just not that into him]

[Tinydance]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well, you kinda are judging but thats fine, we all judge in one way or the other.  It doesn't always have to be a negative.  

But here, you are negatively judging him for basically being different from you.  He's not a deep thinker, he's more free spirited, and easy going.  There is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with being a self-explorer like you.. 

 

That's not immaturity, again it's simply being different from you.  He's spontaneous, you're a planner.  Including when to have a conversation.

Personally I would find that rigid and boring.  I prefer living the day to day and enjoying life, spending time, laughing, conversing.  When issues come up we discuss at the time.

My brother is very much like you though.  He actually needed/required his wife to write him notes asking when would be a good time to talk.  It's all planned.  They are now divorced for whatever that's worth. 

This is basic incompatibility, nothing more.  My advice would be to try to be a bit more flexible and spontaneous and for him, try and understand your need for structure. 

Let go a part of you as an individual for the good of the marriage, functioning as a couple. 

 

 

 

Didn't read all the comments but I totally agree with everything you said. I don't mean to offend you OP but I don't think I'd marry you lol I agree with you that relationship s require emotional connection. But that connection needs to just be natural and not "scheduled" or forced. To be honest if someone kept telling me to read self-help books all the time to "improve our relationship", I think I'd check out pretty quickly.

I don't think you need to schedule a weekly check in or read self help books. I think if a couple wants to build deeper connections then they should just be having normal conversations with each other and doing things they like together. You seem to want to follow some kind of instructions and think if your husband follows them everything will magically get better.

I don't think that just having different interests makes one person smarter or better than the other. You seem interested in self help and self improvement and there's actually nothing wrong with that. But equally there's nothing wrong with liking soccer or politics. 

You and your husband actually do sound pretty different. But you should probably just admit that you ARE different and not actually blame him for it. He's not telling you that it's your fault that you're you. So why are you doing it to him?

[Andrina]

14 hours ago, beckybestie said:

I feel there is a lack of novelty and excitement and bonding between us. We kinda fell into a routine.. and it makes me feel disconnected.

I can think of plenty of ways this could happen with his thorough enjoyment. When he's about to watch a soccer game, prepare a delicious snack you both can enjoy. And then do what you enjoy yourself while being beside him in the living room, whether it's reading, listening to an audio book or podcast with bluetooth, etc. You could also take turns giving each other back or foot massages to keep a pleasurable physical connection.

Some towns have couples stores where you can buy fun toys or massage lotions etc. for the bedroom. If none exist, you can cuddle next to him and tell him you can pick out stuff together on the Internet.

Scope out places you two have never been around town, and tell him you'd like to go on a fun outing to check it out.

Doing things like that are usually bonding without speaking of the "state of the relationship." And you can keep the topics on things most people would enjoy speaking about. I know my husband and I sometimes have talks of nostalgia, talking about the favorite candy we'd buy as kids, some no longer existing. Who our friends were as kids, and the things we'd do and what trouble we got into. We've also spoken of bucket list travel destinations.

When he sees you making effort that he enjoys to keep a spark in the relationship, he should respond in kind. You could say that you're in charge of planning something fun the first weekend of the month, and the next month, it will be his turn.

I am the planner in the relationship with my husband. We wouldn't do much besides his planning going to restaurants if it weren't for me. I had to accept that because life is not a fairy tale where you will get 100 percent of everything you want in a partner. But it's not a dealbreaker for me. You have to realize what your must-haves are, stick to them when choosing a partner, and mellow out about the things you will let slide.

Give those things I suggested a try, and if you still feel like you shouldn't have gotten married, perhaps consult an attorney. A good way to gauge your feelings: either you have a warm and fuzzy feeling when thinking of growing old with a partner, or a feeling as though a great weight has been lifted off your chest if the partner is no longer in your life.

[Batya33]

One of the most fun and bonding conversations I had with a boyfriend was when we were unintentionally locked out of his brothers house for hours. We had to sit in the car and it wasn’t that warm out lol. I remember we explored our favorite flavors of poptarts - a brand of toaster pastry- and why we liked those flavors /frosting no frosting. Often we had forced convos at a dinner table (I know not good and one reason we were a bad match) but that evening instead of pity party over being stranded we had loads of fun with that and all sorts of topics. No Relationship Talks thank goodness. 
When my son was 4 I read all sorts of parenting books. He misbehaved one day and I said ok let’s sit here and have a talk about it. All calm - rather than reacting with frustration.  He looked horrified and said NO!! NO TALKS !!!”  bet your husband feels that way too. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Again I think this is about incompatibility NOT anything OP is doing "wrong" per se by enjoying these activities and what SHE likes. 

She is who she is and she enjoys and thrives on self-exploration, reading and watching self-help videos and then discussing with her partner. 

There is nothing wrong with that.  It's actually no different from her liking and suggesting salsa dancing or a couples massage or many of the other fun activities mentioned that many couples enjoy and that are bonding for them. 

Again as long as she's not forcing them on him and requiring he start enjoying them too. 

Make the suggestion, if he's not receptive to it, drop it! 

Problem is OP your husband does not enjoy these things, it's not who HE is.  He most likely finds them unstimulating, boring, rigid and a waste of time.

He may not like dancing or any of the other suggestions either.  

What's important is finding someone who IS compatible with us or at least okay with our being interested in certain activities and pursuing on our own if he's not into them. 

Like him enjoying soccer.  OP, you dislike but it's wrong to judge him for liking, it's who HE is.  Make the choice to either enjoy watching with him, maybe learn a bit about the game, for the simple purpose of spending time together. 

This is what I choose to do and I actually enjoy it!  I can get really into a game (football, baseball, basketball) and root for the team my partner roots for.  It's a lot of fun and very bonding!  For US.  Other than that, I have no interest in the game.

But that's me, what I choose to do.  Give up a little bit of me for him and the relationship.

If that is not something you choose to do, that's okay, you go do your own thing while he watches his sports. 

Just try to accept him for who he is.  Appreciate the things he does do and brings to the table. 

Learn to let go of control and you're halfway there. 

By the way, there are plenty of men around who DO enjoy deep diving into self-exploration, reading and watching self-help videos and the like.  And then discussing. 

No need to change who you are and what you enjoy.  Simply go find a man who enjoys them too and have a blast deep diving and discussing. 

As I said, my brother requires conversations be scheduled so there are men who are into that too. 

Compatibility, acceptance, understanding.

 

 

[Batya33]

I think she is imposing her focus on this relationship stuff on him in a very controlling and annoying way. Totally great for couples do have different interests. It can enhance the relationship. Her approach with her interest - which sounds almost obsessive- is to be demanding and controlling that her husband participate as she instructs and “educates”. 
I don’t know anyone even people like me interested in that subject to who would enjoy being around someone who treated another person in that way. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she is imposing her focus on this relationship stuff on him in a very controlling and annoying way. Totally great for couples do have different interests. It can enhance the relationship. Her approach with her interest - which sounds almost obsessive- is to be demanding and controlling that her husband participate as she instructs and “educates”. 
I don’t know anyone even people like me interested in that subject to who would enjoy being around someone who treated another person in that way. 

Agree Batya, which is why I wrote this.

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Learn to let go of control and you're halfway there. 

🙂

 

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree Batya, which is why I wrote this.

🙂

 

Yes. I’m not interested in debating. I disagree with comparing this situation to a couple who has different interests. I’d have the same view even if he was into relationship stuff in the way she is. What I love about this forum is the broad range of - and space for - a wide range of input and opinions!

[beckybestie]

23 hours ago, beckybestie said:

My(f27) m(28) husband and I got married in May. Prior to us getting married, I told him I felt we were moving too fast. We've only been together a year. But I was the one who brought up marriage in the first place, even though I was always joking about it.. 

And ever since we got married I've just been feeling this weight. Like, I really didn't know what all of this entailed. I wasn't even entirely sure I wanted to get married to this person, or married at all. My husband is not a U.S. resident, but I am. And my whole family raises an eyebrow at us. My brother says we remind him of 90 day fiancé... that stung. 

I wanted to take pre-marital counseling but he made me feel guilty because we had already set a date and told our family. I remember that moment. I felt defeated. I know I should've insisted but I didn't. And now I feel so ***ty because I vowed eternity to this person and I keep feeling hot and cold. One day I'm happy the next day I'm confused. I told him all the reasons why I didn't want to get married and we were able to work through a lot of them, but one thing that we just don't seem to see eye to eye on is emotional intimacy/intelligence. 

In the beginning: all of the relationship talk we've had has been because of me. Boundaries, dealbreakers, etc etc. He didn't know what love languages were. But I didn't judge. I happily initiated. And educated him. And now a year later, I am still "initiating" the relationship regarding any type of emotional growth. I send him posts, I suggests relationship apps. He gets involved sometimes but  unless I start or initiate something it doesn't happen. If months or years go by and I do not implement a new ritual, or suggest we go on a couples retreat, or suggest a book to read together, ANYTHING, I know for a fact we will not do any of it. That makes so SO SAD. Am I asking for a unicorn?!?

Most recently: He told me he doesn't like weekly check ins, and he doesn't like the fact that I want to plan them so that they're intentional. And idk it all just all seems like emotional immaturity bc what's so bad about planning a conversation... god. There's a million things to do in the day, our relationship deserves time set out. He feels like I'm forcing conversation.

I feel guilty because although he isn't well-versed in the growth area, he is loving and caring and supportive,affectionate... that being said I do need way deeeper levels of intimacy. I also feel bad because I may have blindsided him on this.. although I do remember having mentioned it even in the beginning, I didn't really require him to initiate things. I do now though and I feel it's about time he steps up. We're married for Pete's sakes. I've given him all of the tools.. all of the input. I've laid it all out for him. All he has to do is do something with it.

He is also a full blown adult and yet he only consumes soccer, social media, politics and wealth content. I want to find a way to be curious about this without absolutely bashing him. I mean no judging but where's also the deep, daily exploration into self?? Not saying that I am any better off than him or that this needs to be a constant religious practice, but I do often wonder what he does for self-improvement and deep exploration that doesn't involve consuming entertainment.... don't want y'all to misinterpret, he works full time and he is ambitious and evrything. But it isn't only about work. 

I knew that going to pre-marital would've helped me explore all of these weird feelings and thoughts with him and and I wish I would've insisted because now it seems like we've reached a dead end. And I'm confused because as a person who is committed to self growth and development, and relationship education, I need my partner to be on the same wavelength. No questions asked. I don't quite feeeel that in this dynamic at the moment. And I don't know if I will. Am I asking for too much? 

Hi to any who are still reading here. I just wanted to say thank you for providing your insight, wisdom, perspectives, and cold hard truth. Thank you for challenging my rigid ways of thinking or trying to do things. 
 

I wanted to clarify: this is not a green card marriage. I know my husband loves me with all of his heart and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He proves it to me on the daily, through words and actions, especially things like this, where I am constantly trying to implement things.
 

He is very receptive to it all, which I'm thankful for, but for some reason it wasn't enough. After some self-reflecting, I realized there is just a lack of excitement/newness in the relationship at the moment, which is something that I need in a relationship. He knows it, and I do too.. 

We're moving soon and we plan on going to the gym together, among other things. I think that will help. I think the real conversation to be had here is:  how can honor both of our ways of connection/bonding, if they do look different, and in general what can do to reignite the excitement, and how can we keep it igniting regularly so that we don't fall into a rut- which tends to lead me to believe we need to do relationship education to connect and bond. 
 

I do also need to stop being so rigid and "teachy" which I will work on. I will try to just relax into the beautiful Union we are building and just learn to appreciate the love that I am being shown everyday without wanting to control and micromanage every aspect of it. Learning to be more in the flow of things probably will make me more peaceful too.. but alas, this is what it's like being a Virgo. 

[Batya33]

What wonderful insights you have and great plans too. Good luck to you both for a long and happy marriage 

[rainbowsandroses]

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. I’m not interested in debating. I disagree with comparing this situation to a couple who has different interests. I’d have the same view even if he was into relationship stuff in the way she is. What I love about this forum is the broad range of - and space for - a wide range of input and opinions!

Batya, fwiw, I have actually agreed with everything you've posted, 100%.  I just have a different posting style and different way of presenting my perspective.   

I'm new here so just wanted to clarify that and I'm sorry you find some of my posts confusing.  I'm not into arguing or debating either. 

@beckybestieI just read your last post, fabulous!  Happy to hear and wish you both the best!  💕

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Batya, fwiw, I have actually agreed with everything you've posted, 100%.  I just have a different posting style and different way of presenting my perspective.   

I'm new here so just wanted to clarify that and I'm sorry you find some of my posts confusing.  I'm not into arguing or debating either. 

@beckybestieI just read your last post, fabulous!  Happy to hear and wish you both the best!  💕

 

No worries. Thanks for clarifying!

[MissCanuck]

Why did you marry him if you felt it was all moving too fast? How soon after meeting did you marry?

And why did you "joke" about marriage if you didn't want to be married yet? 

[beckybestie]

On 6/10/2023 at 10:38 AM, Batya33 said:

One of the most fun and bonding conversations I had with a boyfriend was when we were unintentionally locked out of his brothers house for hours. We had to sit in the car and it wasn’t that warm out lol. I remember we explored our favorite flavors of poptarts - a brand of toaster pastry- and why we liked those flavors /frosting no frosting. Often we had forced convos at a dinner table (I know not good and one reason we were a bad match) but that evening instead of pity party over being stranded we had loads of fun with that and all sorts of topics. No Relationship Talks thank goodness. 
When my son was 4 I read all sorts of parenting books. He misbehaved one day and I said ok let’s sit here and have a talk about it. All calm - rather than reacting with frustration.  He looked horrified and said NO!! NO TALKS !!!”  bet your husband feels that way too. 

My husband is actually very receptive to my talks but thanks for your input! 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, beckybestie said:

My husband is actually very receptive to my talks but thanks for your input! 

Sorry. I read what you wrote in your first post differently.  Glad to hear !

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, beckybestie said:

My husband is actually very receptive to my talks but thanks for your input! 

Wow, I thought the main gist of the post was that he was not receptive to your "talks."  I better get new reading glasses!  

[catfeeder]

On 6/10/2023 at 2:06 PM, beckybestie said:

I do also need to stop being so rigid and "teachy" which I will work on. I will try to just relax into the beautiful Union we are building and just learn to appreciate the love that I am being shown everyday without wanting to control and micromanage every aspect of it. Learning to be more in the flow of things probably will make me more peaceful too...

Great post, Becky. I think it's wonderful that you're interested in and excited by learning about psychology and relationship health. Maybe you can consider it an area of study for an advanced degree,.

Given that husband is receptive to your talks, you may find him to be a great source of support. You may have discovered that he's not up for matching your investment in being a study-buddy, but that doesn't speak of his investment as a partner.

You may also consider your move as an opportunity to invest in meeting new friends together and building a habit of dating with other couples. This will keep you engaged with new people and invested one another's performance behaviors--which are the initial behaviors that attracted you both you one another in the first place.