I feel like my husband is emotionally immature and it's causing me to feel disconnected from him and

[beckybestie]

My(f27) m(28) husband and I got married in May. Prior to us getting married, I told him I felt we were moving too fast. We've only been together a year. But I was the one who brought up marriage in the first place, even though I was always joking about it.. 

And ever since we got married I've just been feeling this weight. Like, I really didn't know what all of this entailed. I wasn't even entirely sure I wanted to get married to this person, or married at all. My husband is not a U.S. resident, but I am. And my whole family raises an eyebrow at us. My brother says we remind him of 90 day fiancé... that stung. 

I wanted to take pre-marital counseling but he made me feel guilty because we had already set a date and told our family. I remember that moment. I felt defeated. I know I should've insisted but I didn't. And now I feel so ***ty because I vowed eternity to this person and I keep feeling hot and cold. One day I'm happy the next day I'm confused. I told him all the reasons why I didn't want to get married and we were able to work through a lot of them, but one thing that we just don't seem to see eye to eye on is emotional intimacy/intelligence. 

In the beginning: all of the relationship talk we've had has been because of me. Boundaries, dealbreakers, etc etc. He didn't know what love languages were. But I didn't judge. I happily initiated. And educated him. And now a year later, I am still "initiating" the relationship regarding any type of emotional growth. I send him posts, I suggests relationship apps. He gets involved sometimes but  unless I start or initiate something it doesn't happen. If months or years go by and I do not implement a new ritual, or suggest we go on a couples retreat, or suggest a book to read together, ANYTHING, I know for a fact we will not do any of it. That makes so SO SAD. Am I asking for a unicorn?!?

Most recently: He told me he doesn't like weekly check ins, and he doesn't like the fact that I want to plan them so that they're intentional. And idk it all just all seems like emotional immaturity bc what's so bad about planning a conversation... god. There's a million things to do in the day, our relationship deserves time set out. He feels like I'm forcing conversation.

I feel guilty because although he isn't well-versed in the growth area, he is loving and caring and supportive,affectionate... that being said I do need way deeeper levels of intimacy. I also feel bad because I may have blindsided him on this.. although I do remember having mentioned it even in the beginning, I didn't really require him to initiate things. I do now though and I feel it's about time he steps up. We're married for Pete's sakes. I've given him all of the tools.. all of the input. I've laid it all out for him. All he has to do is do something with it.

He is also a full blown adult and yet he only consumes soccer, social media, politics and wealth content. I want to find a way to be curious about this without absolutely bashing him. I mean no judging but where's also the deep, daily exploration into self?? Not saying that I am any better off than him or that this needs to be a constant religious practice, but I do often wonder what he does for self-improvement and deep exploration that doesn't involve consuming entertainment.... don't want y'all to misinterpret, he works full time and he is ambitious and evrything. But it isn't only about work. 

I knew that going to pre-marital would've helped me explore all of these weird feelings and thoughts with him and and I wish I would've insisted because now it seems like we've reached a dead end. And I'm confused because as a person who is committed to self growth and development, and relationship education, I need my partner to be on the same wavelength. No questions asked. I don't quite feeeel that in this dynamic at the moment. And I don't know if I will. Am I asking for too much? 

[bluecastle]

33 minutes ago, beckybestie said:

Am I asking for too much?

From the heavens? Maybe not. From this man and this marriage at this moment in time? Alas, seems to be a yes. 

Reading your post, my gut reaction is that you've found yourself in a pretty common situation: a year into a relationship and seeing some of the places where you two may not really be all that compatible. Hence why many, many relationships crumble after a year or so: the glitter has worn off, the projections have begun to flicker, and the full scope of what is actually there in the connection and other person—or not—begins to come into focus.

The difference here, of course, is that you're also married. 

Curious: Was being married super duper ultra important to you before you met him? Did you feel like it was something you were "behind" on getting to, a life goal you were eager to check off? I ask because I get the impression that what once "worked" here is now what is not working, e.g. you being able to drive the train into the station with little pushback back from him, him being a seemingly willing vessel for your fantasies, and so on. The tone of your post, for instance, reminded me far more of a film director who is frustrated with the actor cast in the lead for her epic movie than of someone in a partnership built on mutual love, admiration, and respect for another human's humanity.

While the main sticking point for you is what you're labelling a lack of emotional maturity, I have to say that I think that might, just might, go both ways here, and that admitting that to yourself might help. You did marry someone you hardly know, after all. And it seems the big hope/motivation there was that you could "educate" him into being the dream, which from one angle is kind like trying to marry yourself, with another person as a proxy. That's different than finding another human being who, without your nudging, shares enough of your interests, values, and so on that you find it even more exciting when they deviate from the scrip than when they stick to it.  

So, what to do?

I don't have a magic bullet, and feel for both of you here. Maybe one place to start is to turn the lens away from him, and all he lacks, and toward yourself, your own growth, and working to grow into someone who does not want to control the personality of another and who sees a relationship as something constructed by two people in tandem rather than from the top down by you. Let him be him and let you be you, in short. Do that for a bit and see how it feels. It just might feel like what you you're craving—a potent shot of growth to the emotional bloodstream—and may alleviate him or the relationship as needing to be that drug. Or it may not.

Either way, I think it will help steer you toward the kind of relationship you're seeking and in time you'll learn if that's relationship with him or not. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, beckybestie said:

 My husband is not a U.S. resident.. And educated him. . I send him posts, I suggests relationship apps.  suggest we go on a couples retreat, or suggest a book to read : He told me he doesn't like weekly check ins, and he doesn't like the fact that I want to plan them so that they're intentional. And idk it all just all seems like emotional immaturity bc what's so bad about planning a conversation... god. There's a million things to do in the day, our relationship deserves time set out. He feels like I'm forcing conversation.

 

Sorry this is happening. Does his residency status have anything to do with the accelerated marriage?

Do you both work? Do you both agree on finances, intimacy, household stuff? Do you have the same goals as far as family and future? Do you get along with each other's friends and family?

Do you both have friends hobbies and activities and interests separately and together? What types of mutual interest and activities do you have? Do you do fun romantic things as a couple?

Unfortunately you're creating a parent-child relationship. Nothing kills the romance and breeds mutual resentment faster than that. You're trying to fix and change him and that will frustrate both of you. 

Please discontinue with all the check-ins, homework, lessons, books, couples seminars, links, videos, etc. You're turning the marriage into an unbearable frustrating chore. 

Focus on quality time together such as date nights and weekends getaways.  That's more conducive to emotional intimacy than all this relationship homework. Talk to each other as people in love, not as people who need lessons for everything. Please put down all the books and homework and talk to each other and do things together.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, beckybestie said:

He is also a full blown adult and yet he only consumes soccer, social media, politics and wealth content. I want to find a way to be curious about this without absolutely bashing him. I mean no judging but where's also the deep, daily exploration into self??

Well, you kinda are judging but thats fine, we all judge in one way or the other.  It doesn't always have to be a negative.  

But here, you are negatively judging him for basically being different from you.  He's not a deep thinker, he's more free spirited, and easy going.  There is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with being a self-explorer like you.. 

 

2 hours ago, beckybestie said:

He told me he doesn't like weekly check ins, and he doesn't like the fact that I want to plan them so that they're intentional. And idk it all just all seems like emotional immaturity bc what's so bad about planning a conversation... god. There's a million things to do

That's not immaturity, again it's simply being different from you.  He's spontaneous, you're a planner.  Including when to have a conversation.

Personally I would find that rigid and boring.  I prefer living the day to day and enjoying life, spending time, laughing, conversing.  When issues come up we discuss at the time.

My brother is very much like you though.  He actually needed/required his wife to write him notes asking when would be a good time to talk.  It's all planned.  They are now divorced for whatever that's worth. 

This is basic incompatibility, nothing more.  My advice would be to try to be a bit more flexible and spontaneous and for him, try and understand your need for structure. 

Let go a part of you as an individual for the good of the marriage, functioning as a couple. 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, beckybestie said:

And now a year later, I am still "initiating" the relationship regarding any type of emotional growth. I send him posts, I suggests relationship apps. He gets involved sometimes but  unless I start or initiate something it doesn't happen. If months or years go by and I do not implement a new ritual, or suggest we go on a couples retreat, or suggest a book to read together, ANYTHING, I know for a fact we will not do any of it.

 I would find you mentally exhausting as a partner. If he is faithful, kind, contributes his fair share for finances and chores, what are all of these posts and apps you're trying to shove down his throat?

If you want to get cerebral about personal growth, join in that conversation with likeminded people, but it doesn't sound like he's interested. If you wanted a partner who matched you in that way, you should have selected one who clearly showed that interest.

A partner cannot fulfill you in every single way. I do think it's important for a couple to be able to enjoy each other's company during leisure time as well as togetherness in an activity or hobby each enjoys. And then also get fulfillment solo and with friends apart from a spouse. Just like my husband doesn't read books, so I talk about books with my daughters.

As for him, do you think he pushed marriage to get a green card? What would happen if you got an annulment? Are you financially responsible for him for 10 years? Did you sign an affidavit of support? 

What do you mean by needing way deeper levels of intimacy. What is the concrete behavior that would describe what that would be?

 

[beckybestie]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

From the heavens? Maybe not. From this man and this marriage at this moment in time? Alas, seems to be a yes. 

Reading your post, my gut reaction is that you've found yourself in a pretty common situation: a year into a relationship and seeing some of the places where you two may not really be all that compatible. Hence why many, many relationships crumble after a year or so: the glitter has worn off, the projections have begun to flicker, and the full scope of what is actually there in the connection and other person—or not—begins to come into focus.

The difference here, of course, is that you're also married. 

Curious: Was being married super duper ultra important to you before you met him? Did you feel like it was something you were "behind" on getting to, a life goal you were eager to check off? I ask because I get the impression that what once "worked" here is now what is not working, e.g. you being able to drive the train into the station with little pushback back from him, him being a seemingly willing vessel for your fantasies, and so on. The tone of your post, for instance, reminded me far more of a film director who is frustrated with the actor cast in the lead for her epic movie than of someone in a partnership built on mutual love, admiration, and respect for another human's humanity.

While the main sticking point for you is what you're labelling a lack of emotional maturity, I have to say that I think that might, just might, go both ways here, and that admitting that to yourself might help. You did marry someone you hardly know, after all. And it seems the big hope/motivation there was that you could "educate" him into being the dream, which from one angle is kind like trying to marry yourself, with another person as a proxy. That's different than finding another human being who, without your nudging, shares enough of your interests, values, and so on that you find it even more exciting when they deviate from the scrip than when they stick to it.  

So, what to do?

I don't have a magic bullet, and feel for both of you here. Maybe one place to start is to turn the lens away from him, and all he lacks, and toward yourself, your own growth, and working to grow into someone who does not want to control the personality of another and who sees a relationship as something constructed by two people in tandem rather than from the top down by you. Let him be him and let you be you, in short. Do that for a bit and see how it feels. It just might feel like what you you're craving—a potent shot of growth to the emotional bloodstream—and may alleviate him or the relationship as needing to be that drug. Or it may not.

Either way, I think it will help steer you toward the kind of relationship you're seeking and in time you'll learn if that's relationship with him or not. 

 

Hi! Thank you so much for your well-thought out response. I am so grateful that you took out the time to help me and provide your insight. To answer and address your points/questions:

I did not want to be married before I met him! When I was a child, I did for a bit, but mostly loved the fantasy of having a wedding . But I grew out of that very quickly. I never truly feared commitment and relationships, i always loved them. but I didn't want to be married. My perspective did somewhat change when I met my husband. (interestingly enough, the same happened to him)

I will admit I still didn't AND don't like the legally binding aspect of it and I DEFINITELY didn't like all of the pressure and rush that went on between us. I have no problem with commitment but to me marriage is just a legal contract. And I will admit, I do feel somewhat trapped sometimes. I will admit I do want the option to leave if we just don't align because alignment is crucial for me. I didn't think I would feel it. 

I will admit emotional immaturity on my part as well. I shouldn't have said yes to someone I barely knew, and much less if I was going to perhaps try and change(?) them into something they're not, although I will admit I think it was more of trying to inspire it out of him, but it wasn't fair to expect them to just bring out a different version of themselves then what they've already shown me. That was entirely my fault.

At no point did he show me that he was like me in the sense that I wanted him (or need him to be) and that's all on me that I fantasized it being so. 
thank you for bringing that to my attention.  
 

I will admit that I did have so much respect, love and admiration towards him. But a shift happened in me, and I can't explain it but a lot of things shifted, I started to see things more in reality (after we had gotten married) and I started to ask myself if this would be fulfilling long term. And based on how I was feeling, I didn't think it was. 
 

I did turn inward. I've been turned inward this whole time, even before meeting him. Which is what caused me to develop this fascination and practice of relationship education and practices. And yes,  I could have my fix and be happy, and I am, but there are things that require us both because we're in a relationship. 

And realizing that I might not able to  share that with my partner without having to wonder if he's open-minded or willing enough to challenge himself, is just exhausting. 

[beckybestie]

42 minutes ago, Andrina said:

 I would find you mentally exhausting as a partner. If he is faithful, kind, contributes his fair share for finances and chores, what are all of these posts and apps you're trying to shove down his throat?

If you want to get cerebral about personal growth, join in that conversation with likeminded people, but it doesn't sound like he's interested. If you wanted a partner who matched you in that way, you should have selected one who clearly showed that interest.

A partner cannot fulfill you in every single way. I do think it's important for a couple to be able to enjoy each other's company during leisure time as well as togetherness in an activity or hobby each enjoys. And then also get fulfillment solo and with friends apart from a spouse. Just like my husband doesn't read books, so I talk about books with my daughters.

As for him, do you think he pushed marriage to get a green card? What would happen if you got an annulment? Are you financially responsible for him for 10 years? Did you sign an affidavit of support? 

What do you mean by needing way deeper levels of intimacy. What is the concrete behavior that would describe what that would be?

 

That's fair! I find this type of stuff to be enjoyable. It might just be because I am obsessed with psychology. The app is a way to stay connected during the day, and the posts I just send when I like what was said. I do agree that maybe I should've found a partner that matched me in that sense.. 

deeper levels of intimacy to me, is curiosity about the other, moments throughout the day where there is some type of novelty, a regular exchange of education and knowledge, implementing new practices and relationship rituals/traditions, couples retreats, reading books together,  learning together, individual therapy, deep conversations that open the heart and a mutual enthusiasm for these things overall. 

I've asked him before if this was all about the green card and he says no. That being said, he does not have a guarantee of whether or not he can stay here. He has to present him for an appointment to determine that. Of course if we're married, that changes. And he can travel back home and see his family- something he has been wanting to do forever. So, he's got many benefits to the marriage. 

 

And, I did feel a push, whether he was conscious of it or not, there was definitely a push after we got engaged.

 I also remember speaking to his mother a week before about my feelings annd wanting to do counseling prior to and her telling me, "but he's such a good family man, he isn't perfect and you guys can do counseling when you guys come here!!!" Basically pushing me to go through with it anyway and do counseling after the fact. Not ONCE did she ask why I felt why I felt. Her literal only concern was me marrying her son the following week. 
 

I did not sign an affidavit of support. And I honestly don't know what would happen if I got an annulment.

 

thank you for your response! 

[beckybestie]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well, you kinda are judging but thats fine, we all judge in one way or the other.  It doesn't always have to be a negative.  

But here, you are negatively judging him for basically being different from you.  He's not a deep thinker, he's more free spirited, and easy going.  There is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with being a self-explorer like you.. 

 

That's not immaturity, again it's simply being different from you.  He's spontaneous, you're a planner.  Including when to have a conversation.

Personally I would find that rigid and boring.  I prefer living the day to day and enjoying life, spending time, laughing, conversing.  When issues come up we discuss at the time.

My brother is very much like you though.  He actually needed/required his wife to write him notes asking when would be a good time to talk.  It's all planned.  They are now divorced for whatever that's worth. 

This is basic incompatibility, nothing more.  My advice would be to try to be a bit more flexible and spontaneous and for him, try and understand your need for structure. 

Let go a part of you as an individual for the good of the marriage, functioning as a couple. 

 

 

 

Completely fair! I do think I am a bit  more structured overall, I like organization and planning things. 
 

I do also think it's an incompatibility, and  whether or not we can whether it is the problem because we seem to be very set in our ways.. 

[Batya33]

I agree totally with Andrina and Bluecastle (particularly about how exhausting all your relationship psychospeak would be to live with and I am all about love and bonding and connection for sure).  How about having a Love Language that is like "play nicely in the sandbox/be kind/thoughtful/compassionate whenever possible/find ways to laugh together and be silly."  

I don't think you got married or are married for the right reasons and I would seriously consider leaving the marriage ASAP. Unless he also thinks marriage is just a legal contract.  I think you are the close minded one as far as how you treat your husband.  And that's probably because while this all makes for a good science experiment given your obsession with psychology you don't really like hanging out with him, you don't love him and you don't respect him.  He's not your experimental subject, he's your husband.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, beckybestie said:

My brother says we remind him of 90 day fiancé... that stung. 

It really does remind me on that show as well. Only other stereotype that would remind me more on that show is if he was from Africa. Because a lot of US women on that show have gone for African men. Though by his love of football(its football, not soccer, what you have in America is just American football and that is different sport) I would maybe say that he is probably European. Or even from Latin America, they really love football as well.

Anyway, I dont really think that you can educate somebody about relationship. He is not a kid and he should already know some stuff and behave in a certain way. You can maybe try to suggest some things in a way that he should work on some stuff. But educate him? He is not a guinea pig or your kid, you shouldnt educate him. No wonder that he just doesnt accept you micromanaging mutual love life. 

Also, it does seem like a green card thing. You should have been more careful with that. Also if by "wealth content" you mean "crypto bros", maybe you should also protect your finances as well.

[beckybestie]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree totally with Andrina and Bluecastle (particularly about how exhausting all your relationship psychospeak would be to live with and I am all about love and bonding and connection for sure).  How about having a Love Language that is like "play nicely in the sandbox/be kind/thoughtful/compassionate whenever possible/find ways to laugh together and be silly."  

I don't think you got married or are married for the right reasons and I would seriously consider leaving the marriage ASAP. Unless he also thinks marriage is just a legal contract.  I think you are the close minded one as far as how you treat your husband.  And that's probably because while this all makes for a good science experiment given your obsession with psychology you don't really like hanging out with him, you don't love him and you don't respect him.  He's not your experimental subject, he's your husband.

I do like hanging out with him, that hasn't changed. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, beckybestie said:

I do like hanging out with him, that hasn't changed. 

OK then hang out with him without your overbearing psychological analyses/evaluations/tests - just -hang out.  You don't seem to like just hanging out unless he's being your obedient Relationship Student.  

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Anyway, I dont really think that you can educate somebody about relationship. He is not a kid and he should already know some stuff and behave in a certain way.

I'm curious about this comment.  What do you mean he shouid behave in a "certain way"?  What way is that?  

Again just curious because I don't believe there is a certain way to behave.  Single, married or otherwise.  We behave according to our own nature, ethics and virtues and seek people who align with those things or can at least understand and accept them and vice versa. 

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, beckybestie said:

, a regular exchange of education and knowledge, implementing new practices and relationship rituals/traditions, couples retreats, reading books together,  learning together, individual therapy, 

This seems like a rehabilitation program not intimacy. Please reconsider your stance on this. This isn't about his "immaturity", this is about your "obsession" with psychology. Not many partners would be able to endure this regimen.

[beckybestie]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

It really does remind me on that show as well. Only other stereotype that would remind me more on that show is if he was from Africa. Because a lot of US women on that show have gone for African men. Though by his love of football(its football, not soccer, what you have in America is just American football and that is different sport) I would maybe say that he is probably European. Or even from Latin America, they really love football as well.

Anyway, I dont really think that you can educate somebody about relationship. He is not a kid and he should already know some stuff and behave in a certain way. You can maybe try to suggest some things in a way that he should work on some stuff. But educate him? He is not a guinea pig or your kid, you shouldnt educate him. No wonder that he just doesnt accept you micromanaging mutual love life. 

Also, it does seem like a green card thing. You should have been more careful with that. Also if by "wealth content" you mean "crypto bros", maybe you should also protect your finances as well.

I mean, it's not that I think he has things to work on. I think what I'm trying to get at is I feel there is a lack of novelty and excitement and bonding between us. We kinda fell into a routine.. and it makes me feel disconnected. But I also have to remember that there are a plethora ways of connecting and that my way isn't the only way. I saw a video about this yesterday as well.

 

in reality, and thinking deeper, I think I'm the one that needs relationship education. I didn't have healthy models growing up so I'm clueless about a looooot. Maybe I'm just projecting that onto him. Omg. But, I do thank you for your insight. It helps.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm curious about this comment.  What do you mean he shouid behave in a "certain way"?  What way is that?  

Again just curious because I don't believe there is a certain way to behave.  Single, married or otherwise.  We behave according to our own nature, vices and virtues and seek people who align with those things or can at least understand and accept them and vice versa. 

I feel like he meant the basics -treating humans like you want to be treated, showing kindness and compassion and respect if at all possible, listening to someone when they talk, etc. 

[Batya33]

Just now, beckybestie said:

I mean, it's not that I think he has things to work on. I think what I'm trying to get at is I feel there is a lack of novelty and excitement and bonding between us. We kinda fell into a routine.. and it makes me feel disconnected. But I also have to remember that there are a plethora ways of connecting and that my way isn't the only way. I saw a video about this yesterday as well.

 

in reality, and thinking deeper, I think I'm the one that needs relationship education. I didn't have healthy models growing up so I'm clueless about a looooot. Maybe I'm just projecting that onto him. Omg. But, I do thank you for your insight. It helps.

How is it exciting for you to shove relationship-speak from some book down this throat? And schedule conversations? What's with all the videos and books? Some-sure -but to this extent? It's good you have these insights but you're an adult now - sure it helps to have healthy role models but you are an adult with friends and colleagues and acquaintances -right?

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I feel like he meant the basics -treating humans like you want to be treated, showing kindness and compassion and respect if at all possible, listening to someone when they talk, etc. 

Does @beckybestiehusband not do that?  Does @beckybestieherself do that?  Perhaps I missed something but all I'm seeing here is incompatibility.

 

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Does @beckybestiehusband not do that?  Does @beckybestieherself do that?  Perhaps I missed something but all I'm seeing here is incompatibility.

 

 

I thought the point was she need not feel she needs to educate him in the basics with books/scheduled conversations/setting up therapy etc

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I thought the point was she need not feel she needs to educate him in the basics with books/scheduled conversations/setting up therapy etc

I definitely agree with that.  A little flexibility, understanding and acceptance go a long way in any long term relationship and marriage.

Differences can be good and 'add to' a relationship as long as there is that understanding and acceptance imho!

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm curious about this comment.  What do you mean he shouid behave in a "certain way".  What way is that?  

 

I mean that he is a 28 year old man. He doesnt need micromanaging and a relationship course to treat her properly, he should already know that. If she has to tell him that, for example, he has to open a door for her always, or to buy her flowers on certain dates, or to schedule dates(I dont even know what "weekly check ins" is about lol), than that means she is just forcing him to do that. He already behaves in a certain way, he doesnt want to learn that so after a while he rejects her "teachings" and starts to complain. Which is exactly what is happening here. Because again, he is not a guinea pig, he is a full blown adult man that does stuff in a certain way. But OP probably wanted to change him and micromanage him into her dream guy or something. Without even thinking that maybe if their "love languages" arent there, they just arent compatible.

19 minutes ago, beckybestie said:

I mean, it's not that I think he has things to work on. I think what I'm trying to get at is I feel there is a lack of novelty and excitement and bonding between us. We kinda fell into a routine.. and it makes me feel disconnected. But I also have to remember that there are a plethora ways of connecting and that my way isn't the only way. I saw a video about this yesterday as well.

 

Well, that is what happens when you try to force a connection. You cant just force some things. He has to be willing to connect with you and do all those stuff. Without you micromanaging every aspect of that. 

Also please dont tell me its Tik Tok or youtube videos you are watching. If you want to work on things you need a proper professional and marriage conseling. Not "Jessy C and her amazing 30 second Tic Tok about love languages where she puts make up on her and gives love advices".

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I definitely agree with that.  A little flexibility, understanding and acceptance go a long way in any long term relationship and marriage.

Differences can be good and 'add to' a relationship as long as there is that understanding and acceptance imho!

I mean of course but in her case no.  Because she wants him to act differently under her tutelage.  

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean of course but in her case no.  Because she wants him to act differently under her tutelage.  

Because she doesn't accept him, she wants to control him and change him to suit HER nature, ethics and virtues. 

@becky, as I said in previous, if you truly want this to work, learn to let go a little bit of you (that control) for HIM and the good of your marriage.  I'm sorry to say but you sound a bit rigid and overbearing.

Do you love him, are you "in love" with him?   Do you even like him, as a person? 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Because she doesn't accept him, she wants to control him and change him to suit HER nature, ethics and virtues. 

@becky, as I said in previous, if you truly want this to work, learn to let go a little bit of you (that control) for HIM.  

Do you love him, are you "in love" with him?   Do you even like him, as a person? 

Yes- um -we agree.  I'm so confused by your post.

Becky -your attitude and approach remind me of when I was in the hospital 5 days after I gave birth by c-section.  The social worker was required to check in with all new moms.  She said to me "so how are you doing?" Hmm.  I was over the moon in love with my newborn.  I'd had a maternal fever and he'd been in the NICU with a fever, I'd had major surgery and hadn't slept all that well in the hospital.  I smiled at her and said "oh you know we have our hands full!" I meant it as a phrase.  I mean all new parents like that kinda have their hands full no?

She looked SO concerned -she dove into the weeds on that -what did I mean by "hands full" -was I ok? She probably asked me about my support system lol. I tried to back track with her explaining I was totally fine just tired and this was all new and I was so excited to be a mom and that "hands full" was just a phrase! It worked-she backed off. 

Look -she was a trained professional and of course was familiar with PPD and PPA and just wanted to evaluate whether I was doing ok or needed any help/therapy/resources.  Difference is you are not a trained professional and even if you were you can't psychoanalyze your husband -kinda biased/unethical -no? And he's smart enough to know that too -how bizarre it is for you to try to micromanage him and analyze him in this way.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I'm so confused by your post.

Sorry @Batya33what part confuses you?  Was it this? 

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

learn to let go a little bit of you (that control) for HIM and the good of your marriage

Or was it something else?