Been with my partner for 8 years.. need help

[Regbarn96]

So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years, we've been pretty good for a long time, we have a house together, 2 dogs.. he has ALOT of mental health issues which I'm not going to lie have been quite a struggle for me over the past but because I love him I've never tried to make it an issue and tried to help him. 

So last week he's been going through a bit of a rough time at the moment and he randomly said to me he doesn't know if he feels to same about me anymore or whether his depression is making him feel this way. He has a specific kind of councelling which he is on a waiting list for happening soon which I thought would be a help. Obviously this was a massive shock to me because even though I have to admit things had got stagnant we haven't had sex in a year, things have been a bit tense, but this is also due to me having multiple injuries and just not having a very good year with my mental health.

But as of Saturday I noticed he has been on his phone alot more, and he is talking to this female on a game him and his mate play. I was not phased at the start because it's just a game she doesn't live anywhere near us, and I've never been a jealous or someone who cared about him talking to a female because I've never had the need not to trust him. 

I did something bad and I checked his phone on Monday because for some reason I just had a sense that something was off. I checked his phone while he was sleeping which is something I've never done before, and I was absolutely mortified. He was sending pictures of himself, which knowing him as a person that's not really a thing he does. He was talking to her throughout the night. And then as trivial as it sounds they ended up sending 'x' to eachother at the end of the messages. He had messaged her saying he was having a tough time, and that he still loves me, but doesn't know how he feels anymore but it's complicated. 

I woke him up that morning and told him how hurt I felt that 1) he was talking to another person through text when I thought he was only talking to her through a game 2) and that I didn't like the fact he was sending photos and kisses to her. It made me feel uneasy. He woke up and tried to explain to me that it was all innocent and nothing is going on & in all honestly once I calmed down it was generally innocent bar the photos. So we had a massive chat and have decided we were going to try and really work it out, try and spend more time together. Which it's been a week and we have been doing so, and things have been nice. 

Another thing to note my boyfriend also travels away once a week, and on one of my concerns I said to him the other night was that I feel very self conscious at the moment and that I hate the fact that he's talking to her. And that when he travels away I don't want to feel like I can't trust him and that hes talking to her. On a side note he will only be working away for another 3 weeks.

So he went away on weds for the night, and we were messaging eachother all night we stayed on facetime. It was like old times for us which I thought was nice, when he came home the next day everything was normal and fine. He has been telling me he still loves me and that he wants to work this out.

But I woke up this morning and I don't know his phone was next to me and I said I would never check his phone because that's not my personality never has been. But I checked his phone and he has sent another photo of himself to her. Also he had send a voice note on weds evening when he was travelling away, asking if she would like to virtually watch a movie together that evening. (But she didn't see the message) but reading the messages I feel like she is the one that is almost friendzoning him more than the other way round which honestly is breaking my heart. But what I hate the most is when we were talking that evening he asked me to do the exact same thing. Also he sent a picture of our dogs, to me and her at the same time. I just didn't understand why she needed to be send a picture it felt like it was so he could spark a conversation.

I'm currently sat in my bed at 5 in the morning just really not knowing what to do. I'm self employed I can't afford to pay for this house by myself. But I also really really don't want to move back home. I work from this house, and I love living here. I also would have to take both of the dogs which is going to be so hard work for me. I just don't know whether me trying to work this out is a good thing, because when he's with me he's fine and we're good. But it's like he has a piece on the side that he's enjoying (like he's enjoying the attention) and I'm ngl I enjoy getting a bit of male attention here and there. But I would never act on it. I just don't know if I'm being an absolute fool. But I also absolutely hate the fact that I feel like I can't trust him and I feel so jealous of this girl. The fact that I feel like that is already heartbreaking enough for me as I've never ever in my life been this way I'm very chilled. 

I'm also turning 27 in a couple of days and I just really don't want to start my life again. I just don't know if he has completely destroyed my trust, and whether I'll ever get it back. But I just really don't know what to do? I love him I really do, but I also don't want to be treated like an idiot. I have told him I don't like him talking to her. But I also don't want to stop him from talking to a friend if that's what she really is because I wouldn't like it if that was done to me. But am I wrong for wanting to ask him not to talk to her? As I feel like she is a threat evening though he says she's not. 

I serious just don't know what to do about my life. I'm so lost and hurt.

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

So sorry to hear this.  My gut tells me your boyfriend has definitely found a "little side piece" and I can totally understand that you now have trust issues. Totally justified, imo.

1 hour ago, Regbarn96 said:

So last week he's been going through a bit of a rough time at the moment and he randomly said to me he doesn't know if he feels to same about me anymore

^ This is also very telling.  My guess is he is not feeling the same way about you because he has found this new girl.

As for what to do about it:  That's really very difficult, but I would definitely heed the writing on the wall and not ignore it.  He'll probably deny, and deny, and deny, but I say, trust your gut on this one.  The biggest flag for you right now is to note that: Without trust, you have nothing.

(I would probably start packing his bags for him, but I totally understand this is a very personal decision and not an easy thing to do).  I wish you well.

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Regbarn96 said:

But am I wrong for wanting to ask him

No, not when he's clearly got a crush on her and has been dishonest about his communication with her. 

2 hours ago, Regbarn96 said:

But I also don't want to stop him from talking to a friend if that's what she really is

She isn't just a friend, though. She might not be interested him, but it's obvious that he is interested in her. This isn't a harmless friendship. 

2 hours ago, Regbarn96 said:

he has ALOT of mental health issues

Such as? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Regbarn96 said:

 8 years,  we have a house together, 2 dogs.. he has ALOT of mental health issues. things had got stagnant we haven't had sex in a year. feel like I can't trust him 

Sorry this is happening. You have a lot invested in the relationship.

Unfortunately the relationship has gotten stagnant and it seems like you are basically roommates for economic reasons.

Please don't try to be the "cool GF" who's ok with him ignoring you and spending all his time chatting up other women under the guise of "harmless friends". 

It's not harmless because he's tuning you out. It doesn't matter if these are cyber-relationships.

What matters is you're hurting and this incident has unfortunately brought some long-standing issues in the relationship to the surface.

Please step back and reflect. Discontinue taking care of him.  Focus solely on your own life health and wellbeing. Don't try to fix change or mother him.

While there are logistical and financial problems because you own a house together, you can try to think of ways to free yourself from this and find someone who's not just coasting along.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Regbarn96 said:

I'm also turning 27 in a couple of days and I just really don't want to start my life again.

I am sorry, but if you cant work things out you would have too. You havent had sex in a year. What if in a future you want kids? Additionally, would you agree that he has a side piece just because you cant be bothered to leave and maybe start over? Some people do stay in relationships and marriages out of convenience. But the thing is, those arent happy relationships. If you cant work things out its better to figure out what you will do with joint house and separate.

[Batya33]

He's behaving inappropriately for someone in a committed relationship, for sure.  And lying about it.  What were your injuries? People unfortunately get sick/injured while in committed relationships -i.e. for better or for worse - would you stop caring for or about your dogs because they were injured and weren't fun to be around/didn't cuddle as much?

At age 28 I moved out of my parents' house, started a new career, and met my future husband (although we didn't marry until many years later and after breaking up/getting back together). 

At age 39 I joined a women's networking group and met many new friends - some of whom I am still in touch with (I am 56).  At age 42 I got married and had a baby and at age 49 I got my first driver's license. Please stop the nonsense about "starting over" at age 27 as an excuse to stay in this unhealthy arrangement. Especially if you would like to try to have a biological child. 

Had I not gotten in my own way and/or met the right person sooner for sure I would have wanted to start making babies earlier -no fun having a high risk "geriatric" pregnancy (all worked out -obviously our son is a huge blessing! - but so stressful and my last chance really at conceiving naturally).  

After 8 years were there any plans for marriage or more permanence? What was the reason for sharing physical living space? 

 

[Andrina]

Let's look at this logically. Does he send photos of himself to the male friend gamer and confide in him about the state of your relationship? Of course not.

This is clearly at minimum an emotional affair, and even if it's not reciprocated, it's just as harmful as a physical affair.

It happened because there is an emotional disconnection between you two, along with him breaking relationship boundaries. You finding out would've been a wake up call for someone who actually cared. If he feared losing you, realized his mistake, and couldn't stand hurting you, he would have broken communication with the gamer and would've done everything in his power to right things with you.

Instead, you see he continued his bad behavior, so he's quite okay with losing you. In that case, you're okay with staying with someone like this because you don't want to start over? People start over, all the time, at ages far beyond your age.

If you don't want to move, make your house amenable to a female roommate. Taking care of two dogs by yourself might be challenging, but you made the commitment to two living animals, so you'll have to suck it up. After the mourning process, when you get to the healing stage, you'll likely feel a big weight come off your chest that you no longer have a partner struggling with mental health issues. My first husband had them, and I was relieved I no longer had to walk on eggshells any longer. Good luck.

[smackie9]

I know what he is doing...he is using her as an escape, and a lot of people do that when depressed, stressed, bored, feeling hurt or a rut. It's called an emotional affair. That's why things have taken a turn over that past year....this thing he is doing with this woman is pulling him out of your orbit. Since counseling is still a wait, it's up to you to communicate with him that what he is doing is detrimental to this relationship and both of yours mental wellbeing. I'm sure he will be in denial, and say it's not true, blah blah blah. You can explain to him that he's getting a dopamine hit every time he associates with this woman. It's very addictive, and that's what people with addictions do, they cheat, steal and lie to keep their source. It's going to be difficult to have these conversations BUT you really have no other choice. basically he needs to cut himself off or this will never be resolved. He needs to know what loss there will be if he doesn't comply.

I strongly suggest couples counseling. Maybe you can find an online counselor that uses facetime. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, Regbarn96 said:

also turning 27 in a couple of days and I just really don't want to start my life again.

Was that a mis-type?  Did you mean to write 47 or 57?  Because at 27, you have your entire life ahead of you, 50 years at least!  

Your relationship has run its course.   No sexual intimacy in one year suggests you have a friendship or a relationship of convenience. Codependency. 

It was only a matter of time before he found someone else. It's a mistake to dismiss its intensity due to her being on line and long distance.  Such interactions can be extremely intense and provoke equally intense feelings of emotional  connection between two people.

I've experienced it myself and know many others who have as well.  

Hopefully you want more for yourself and again at 27, you are still very very young, and have many many years ahead of you. 

Please don't settle for this, you deserve better, I hope you know that.

Do whatever you need to do.  Sell the home, split assets, part ways.

And start living your life! Being happy and not burdened by this 'relationship' that has run its course after 8 years and a man who himself isn't happy (obviously) and seeking love and affection elsewhere. 

I'm sorry and all the best moving forward.

 

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, Regbarn96 said:

I'm also turning 27 in a couple of days and I just really don't want to start my life again. I just don't know if he has completely destroyed my trust, and whether I'll ever get it back. But I just really don't know what to do? I love him I really do, but I also don't want to be treated like an idiot. I have told him I don't like him talking to her. But I also don't want to stop him from talking to a friend if that's what she really is because I wouldn't like it if that was done to me.

Oh, beginning a new life at 27 can be done 😉 .

I feel your trust in him is challenged. sorry you're being hurt like this 😕 .  BUT, he's crossed the lines repeatedly, even AFTER you spoke to him. so, it shows, he seems to find her appealing and is reaching out for some friendly support, etc.

If things between you two have begun to crumble, not a lot you can do, than consider asking him to go find someplace else to live for now? ( as you said, you have the dogs and your work there...).

 

[Batya33]

I also will add this.  My dear friend ended a long affair -she was single he was married -in her late 20s.  Had to start over.  She met her future husband on Match.com (yes she told him about her past affair).  They got engaged when she was 31.  A few months later she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died at age 34 (yes they got married).  You never know how much time you have left.  Staying in a relationship because you don't "want to start over" doesn't make sense from that perspective either.  My friend's late husband didn't want to start over. He'd loved her so.  But -he did -he remarried almost 4 years later -happily- and had 3 kids in his 30s/early 40s.  He's very happy he did choose to start over.  People start over at all stages.

[Tinydance]

Well I think feeling that you're "old" is always relative. I'm 38 so to me 27 seems pretty young lol

I know that it's probably really hard to let go of a relationship of eight years. You and your boyfriend built a life together and obviously it's scary to let that go. The thing is he said that he's not sure how he feels about you anymore and he's talking to that girl. If the girl is in another country then he probably knows he's not really going to be in a relationship with her. But as someone else said, it's an escape for him. For some reason he doesn't seem happy with you anymore and he's checking out of the relationship.

[Batya33]

I'm concerned about comparing this at all to "men" who like to look at attractive women.  Many people like to look at attractive people. Has nothing to do with photographing a neighbor's private parts on purpose and retaining the photo.  Nothing at all in common with a person who likes looking at a person because they are attractive looking.  Even thinking of it in these terms tend to give some sense of normalcy to what this person did. 

It's like saying there's a comparison between the mom at the playground who offered my son candy because my son was playing with her son who was eating wrapped candy with the 20 something man who approached my young son on a public bus and offered him candy while ignoring me.  Especially when it's because certain "men" might focus more on a woman's looks than a woman might focus on a man's looks. 

The OP of course shouldn't have snooped -that's a separate issue - she should have actually left already given what happened before -the snooping was just confirmation that this person is not appropriate for her - in the future the snooping can be avoided if the OP is more confident in herself and her values so she's comfortable walking away from a new relationship without having to resort to snooping.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/9/2023 at 5:46 AM, Andrina said:

If you don't want to move, make your house amenable to a female roommate. Taking care of two dogs by yourself might be challenging, but you made the commitment to two living animals, so you'll have to suck it up. After the mourning process, when you get to the healing stage, you'll likely feel a big weight come off your chest that you no longer have a partner struggling with mental health issues. My first husband had them, and I was relieved I no longer had to walk on eggshells any longer. Good luck.

Bolded, that is a great idea!  And great insight in general. 

All the best moving forward!