A Relationship That Doesn't Assure Me A Future

[august9]

Hello everyone. I'm a 23 years. I'm gay and I have a boyfriend for almost a year. We're going to same college and the next year we're going to graduate. We've been LDR for 4 months so in that time I started to feel lonely, that's why I started a conversation about our relationship. He told me that he doesn't see a future with us and we're not a perfect match. However, it's not necessary to not be a couple if you're not perfect match. I felt horrible about that. And then he told me he's just too young to commit and doesn't know how long he can commit to this relationship. And then he told me that he wants to keep getting to know me. He's clearly saying that he's not promising me a future but he wants to make this relationship healthy as long as possible. We moved on that conversation but something about what he said keeps disturbing me and I get anxiety sometimes by thinking about it.

(Another reason why he thinks this won't work out is that he wants to live in another city because our country doesn't give us any reason to stay in here. We live in Türkiye.)

Am I being paranoid by bringing up these memories into my mind? He acts with his logic while I act with my heart which makes me the guy who suffers more. Should I stay in this relationship or try to cherish our times together until we end this relationship?

[Cherylyn]

If you don't mind not having a committed future with your boyfriend,  then remain with him.  If you want more than he's willing to give such as committed future with him,  then no,  don't stay in this relationship because you're just wasting your time.  Sure,  enjoy the ride while you're on board but know it's temporary before both of you will split at any given moment so be prepared for the inevitable.  As long as you're realistic,  at least there will be no surprises for you.  Your time with him will eventually expire.

At least he was honest so you won't have any commitment expectations.  What's worse is stringing you along with deception or false promises.  To me,  deceit,   lies and betrayal are worse so in that regard,  at least he's honest and telling you the truth.  I'll give him that. 

[Andrina]

IMO, You shouldn't be in a relationship if your dating and life goals don't match. His style for the moment is to date short term, with an expiration date. Your goal seems to be that you're dating in order to have a long term, lifetime partner.

Do you want to keep falling deeper in love when you know there is an expiration date? He's willing to let you go, and has more wild oats to sow. If it were me, I'd tell him, "I'll always cherish the memories and wish you well. For my own good and closure, we're going to have to go no contact."

Be glad he was honest with you, so you could do what's best for yourself. Take care.

[Batya33]

Agree completely with Andrina. It’s really that simple and I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

[catfeeder]

Some people can pull off viewing others through a lens of 'right now' relationships without bonding past a given context or stage of life. So walking away from coworkers or classmates or roommates or friends or lovers is easier for them than for those of us who form more intimate bonds.

Be honest with yourself, and don't wreck your life by falling in love with hope.

If you know yourself well enough to know that hanging onto this guy under the guise of being 'okay' with casual and temporary would actually be torture for you, I'd consider using this time apart to adjust and heal from a breakup that I'd do right now.

If you'd prefer to try hanging onto the guy in the hope of manipulating him to pick you, that's not against the law. It's just a high risk trip down the long road and hard way to learn an outcome that's beyond your control.

[august9]

13 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If you don't mind not having a committed future with your boyfriend,  then remain with him.  If you want more than he's willing to give such as committed future with him,  then no,  don't stay in this relationship because you're just wasting your time.  Sure,  enjoy the ride while you're on board but know it's temporary before both of you will split at any given moment so be prepared for the inevitable.  As long as you're realistic,  at least there will be no surprises for you.  Your time with him will eventually expire.

At least he was honest so you won't have any commitment expectations.  What's worse is stringing you along with deception or false promises.  To me,  deceit,   lies and betrayal are worse so in that regard,  at least he's honest and telling you the truth.  I'll give him that. 

I think the possibilites in the future keeps stopping me from running away. I'm also scared that I won't find someone like him.

[august9]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Some people can pull off viewing others through a lens of 'right now' relationships without bonding past a given context or stage of life. So walking away from coworkers or classmates or roommates or friends or lovers is easier for them than for those of us who form more intimate bonds.

Be honest with yourself, and don't wreck your life by falling in love with hope.

If you know yourself well enough to know that hanging onto this guy under the guise of being 'okay' with casual and temporary would actually be torture for you, I'd consider using this time apart to adjust and heal from a breakup that I'd do right now.

If you'd prefer to try hanging onto the guy in the hope of manipulating him to pick you, that's not against the law. It's just a high risk trip down the long road and hard way to learn an outcome that's beyond your control.

At the point where it ends, he's gonna tell me ''I told you'' and i' wont be able to respond to what he said. I look at this relationships like lifetime while it's not the same for him. I'm just scared right now.

[august9]

13 hours ago, Andrina said:

IMO, You shouldn't be in a relationship if your dating and life goals don't match. His style for the moment is to date short term, with an expiration date. Your goal seems to be that you're dating in order to have a long term, lifetime partner.

Do you want to keep falling deeper in love when you know there is an expiration date? He's willing to let you go, and has more wild oats to sow. If it were me, I'd tell him, "I'll always cherish the memories and wish you well. For my own good and closure, we're going to have to go no contact."

Be glad he was honest with you, so you could do what's best for yourself. Take care.

I want to see it until the end but I know my heart will be torn into pieces. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, august9 said:

I think the possibilites in the future keeps stopping me from running away. I'm also scared that I won't find someone like him.

Those are never reasons to settle for scraps.  There's also a possibility the sky could fall in and a possibility that today he could meet someone he does want to commit to -which is a much higher risk given that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you - committed people aren't typically open to new relationships and choose to resist any temptation -he's already let you know he'd see no need to resist out of any notion of loyalty to you.

Your title is wrong -it's not that a future isn't "assured" it's that there is none and for your own sake-as Catfeeder also wrote -walk away now.  Fear of "there's no one like him" makes no sense -for one thing you don't know what he is like in a committed relationship since you're not in one - imagine being committed to someone -that would be much more vulnerable for you, right - is this partly the thrill of the chase, the excitement of "possibilities" as opposed to actually being into this person?

Also what exactly is cherish worthy about sharing your emotions and body with someone who doesn't see long term potential in you and you want that? At least for me it would take away so much of the cherish worthy stuff and I'd feel icky. 

Watch the seasons of Sex and The City when Carrie wanted Big to want her in the way she wanted him -he didn't, she tried to "cherish" and got slapped in the face when he chose the model-like woman he married.  Don't waste years chasing possibilities.  Relationships are hard enough even with being on the exact same page about commitment.  

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, august9 said:

. Should I stay in this relationship or try to cherish our times together until we end this relationship?

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it's a matter of accepting what he says and deciding to cut your losses sooner or later.

[smackie9]

I'm sorry you are going through this but it's just life. Relationships will come and go, because as you get older, your priorities change, wants and needs change and expectations as your BF's will/has. Your BF is being honest with you, but he's being really unfair because he's giving you false hope. With words like that, he should end it due to the fact you both want different things, and as it gets closer to graduation, more changes will come.

It's up to you now as to when. Might want to consider working on distancing your heart so it's not as painful.

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, august9 said:

I think the possibilities in the future keeps stopping me from running away. I'm also scared that I won't find someone like him.

There are no possibilities in the future with him.  He has made this very clear to you.  Splash cold water on your face and wake up !

[lostandhurt]

Hold on a minute.  You have been dating almost a year so that to me means 11 months but you have been LDR for 4 months. So basically you have been dating 7 months and you want to know if the relationship is forever?  That is way to soon for anyone to know that with the amount of time you have actually spent with each other.

 He is being a realist and you are dreaming of a life long commitment.  Of course we all would like to know how it will all turn out on the 3rd date but that is not how it works.  He is being honest with you and is willing to keep getting to know you but if you don't feel like the relationship is moving towards a more and more commitment with you both getting closer and closer then it is time to call it quits.

 Sharing the same dreams for the future is important but they all don't need to be the same.  They should be somewhat similar though like where to live or starting a family one day, you know the big stuff.

 You sound insecure in the relationship and looked to him for reassurance and didn't get it.  So now what?

BTW Your future is what you make it and that is not dependent on your partner, it isn't his job to assure a future for you, that is all up to you.

 Lost

 

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, august9 said:

I think the possibilites in the future keeps stopping me from running away

There aren't any possibilities, august.

And it's not "running away" if the person in question has already told you there is no future together. 

18 hours ago, august9 said:

I'm also scared that I won't find someone like him.

Someone who doesn't feel the way you do, and doesn't see you as his future partner? Why would you want another guy like that? 

 

[Capricorn3]

On 6/3/2023 at 6:25 AM, august9 said:

 He told me that he doesn't see a future with us and we're not a perfect match.  And then he told me he's just too young to commit and doesn't know how long he can commit to this relationship.

^ Kudos to him for being straight forward and honest with where he stands.  He is as clear as anyone can be and that's your cue to accept and move on.  You can't force people to feel a certain way about you.  He said he sees no future with you. That's all you need to know.  Move on.

[catfeeder]

On 6/3/2023 at 6:01 AM, august9 said:

At the point where it ends, he's gonna tell me ''I told you'' and i' wont be able to respond to what he said. I look at this relationships like lifetime while it's not the same for him. I'm just scared right now.

We’ll, of course. You can see the message, and you already know what will happen if you don’t heed it. So you get to decide how much of your time you want to waste on pretending to be okay with it.