Should I continue dating?

[Jamesmatthews]

Hi, I’m (M32) a first time poster.

just came out of a long term relationship of 7 years after meeting someone else (f28). We work together.

She had also come out of a long term relationship a few months before I did. we were seeing each other (not exclusively) during that time. 

But during that time, she had slept with another coworker (m25). I knew they had gone on dates but only found out recent she had slept with him. She said we weren’t exclusive so it’s not an issue but they still remain friends and text regularly. He has mental health issues and can’t shake her. I think he’s in love with her.

we are now exclusive so they’re no longer seeing each other obviously but given the history and recent discovery made about it being more than she originally let on (I was under the impression they had just kissed)…  but I could sense more had happened and asked her upfront to which she said it was non of my business.. but still admitted it, should I continue this relationship or get out now?

it seems she makes bad decisions and the guy she slept with is vulnerable and won’t quit messaging her for support..I’m blinded by the lust right now and need advice.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Jamesmatthews said:

Just came out of a long term relationship of 7 years after meeting someone else (f28). We work together.

How long ago did you end your relationship? How long have you been seeing this coworker? Was there an overlap in either of your previous relationships and seeing each other? 

So far it seems like a workplace romance triangle. It seems like both of you are on the rebound and she's still encouraging this other coworker who she also had a thing with.

Why not wash your hands of this complicated workplace romance? Maybe she was handy when your ltr ended, but this seems like too many headaches and heartaches you just don't need right now.

[Kwothe28]

45 minutes ago, Jamesmatthews said:

but I could sense more had happened and asked her upfront to which she said it was non of my business.. but still admitted it, should I continue this relationship or get out now?

Messy people can just get you more mess. If she slept with somebody else and wont cut contact that means either

a) she is just hoping to jump into that D again

b) keeps him as a reserve in case you dont work out

Either of that is not good for you and means trouble. So cut your loses now and next time if you want loyalty find somebody who is actually able to stay loyal and not runs around searching for next candidate.

[Jamesmatthews]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Messy people can just get you more mess. If she slept with somebody else and wont cut contact that means either

a) she is just hoping to jump into that D again

b) keeps him as a reserve in case you dont work out

Either of that is not good for you and means trouble. So cut your loses now and next time if you want loyalty find somebody who is actually able to stay loyal and not runs around searching for next candidate.

I think she keeps him around as she feels guilty about using him as a rebound.
To me, he was vulnerable and not a sensible choice as he’s never been with anyone romantically before. That’s what gets me, why do that to him if she was already sort of seeing me, albeit not exclusively.

[Whirling D]

Here is my thought on it, and I will give you a Story…

there has been this lady that I have never been interested in that has been texting me regularly for months. She is definitely flaky, and I have encouraged her time and time again to go find somebody that can give her what she wants. She just won’t do it.

she claims to want to just be friends, but then offers to send me nudes to lure me back in.  

I had been continuing to engage her, because she was sometimes fun to chat with by text, and because I was lonely and all by myself, despite me repeatedly telling her that I wouldn’t be dating her. She kept believing that if she was persistent, I would finally understand that we have a “connection“ and would change my mind. I knew that would never happen. 

So, for the last month, I’ve been getting to know a wonderful lady. It has started to escalate over the last couple of weeks, and because of that, I now have zero interest in even engaging with this other lady any longer, yet she still texts me.  I certainly haven’t wanted to be mean to her, and I know it will break her heart if I disengage completely, but that’s pretty much what I feel I want to do, so I can concentrate fully on my new lady friend. I just don’t have any interest in engaging the other lady any longer.

What’s my take away? If this new lady you are dating is fully interested and willing to commit to you, she would have little interest in continuing to engage this other fellow. Once in a blue moon? Maybe. But if they are talking regularly, it should stop. That would be the right thing to do. 

have you had this talk with her? Have you said to her that you believe that it should stop, and that it could be a dealbreaker for you?

that would certainly be a good starting point.

[Jamesmatthews]

4 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Here is my thought on it, and I will give you a Story…

there has been this lady that I have never been interested in that has been texting me regularly for months. She is definitely flaky, and I have encouraged her time and time again to go find somebody that can give her what she wants. She just won’t do it.

she claims to want to just be friends, but then offers to send me nudes to lure me back in.  

I had been continuing to engage her, because she was sometimes fun to chat with by text, and because I was lonely and all by myself, despite me repeatedly telling her that I wouldn’t be dating her. She kept believing that if she was persistent, I would finally understand that we have a “connection“ and would change my mind. I knew that would never happen. 

So, for the last month, I’ve been getting to know a wonderful lady. It has started to escalate over the last couple of weeks, and because of that, I now have zero interest in even engaging with this other lady any longer, yet she still texts me.  I certainly haven’t wanted to be mean to her, and I know it will break her heart if I disengage completely, but that’s pretty much what I feel I want to do, so I can concentrate fully on my new lady friend. I just don’t have any interest in engaging the other lady any longer.

What’s my take away? If this new lady you are dating is fully interested and willing to commit to you, she would have little interest in continuing to engage this other fellow. Once in a blue moon? Maybe. But if they are talking regularly, it should stop. That would be the right thing to do. 

have you had this talk with her? Have you said to her that you believe that it should stop, and that it could be a dealbreaker for you?

that would certainly be a good starting point.

Thank you, insightful. I’ve said it’s an issue but didn’t specially say “i want you to stop messaging him”.. she just said “I’m not going to stop messaging him, I care a lot about him as a friend”.. plus, I think if I asked, it would sound like I’m controlling her actions. 
 

she seems committed to me, but having this “friendship” has become an issue.

[Batya33]

I think it sounds like you don't trust her to behave appopriately with her former sex partner.  Also you seem judgey about her decision to have sex with him -do  you respect and admire your girlfriend in general and do you find fault with her choices otherwise? I personally don't think her "guilt" excuse should take priority over your comfort level and loyalty to you/not playing with fire.

I don't think her friendship with him is appropriate in the way she is handling it.  JMHO.

[Jamesmatthews]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it sounds like you don't trust her to behave appopriately with her former sex partner.  Also you seem judgey about her decision to have sex with him -do  you respect and admire your girlfriend in general and do you find fault with her choices otherwise? I personally don't think her "guilt" excuse should take priority over your comfort level and loyalty to you/not playing with fire.

I don't think her friendship with him is appropriate in the way she is handling it.  JMHO.

I came here for JMHO’s so that’s fine. I don’t find fault with her general choices, just this one. We all work together, he’s inexperienced (never been romantically involved with a girl before), and vulnerable (mental health) so it seemed a tad destructive to engage with him. It can’t have been easy for her to say to him, I don’t want to do this anymore.
 

And for him to hear that too has also been difficult. She told me this. 

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, Jamesmatthews said:

I came here for JMHO’s so that’s fine. I don’t find fault with her general choices, just this one. We all work together, he’s inexperienced (never been romantically involved with a girl before), and vulnerable (mental health) so it seemed a tad destructive to engage with him. It can’t have been easy for her to say to him, I don’t want to do this anymore.
 

And for him to hear that too has also been difficult. She told me this. 

I admire your empathy regarding this situation.

The other alternative is to simply allow your girlfriend to live her own life….  She can text whoever she wants, and I agree, perhaps trying to tell her to disengage could be a bit controlling…  But setting her free to text whomever she wants  comes with its risks, but in many ways, that could be one of the most giving things that you could offer her… Trust that she’s going to do the right thing.

it may be a little early for that kind of trust, but you would be the only one to get a sense of that.

I do agree with Bat, though, that she seems to be prioritizing her own agenda over your comfort, which doesn’t seem like a winnable solution.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jamesmatthews said:

I think she keeps him around as she feels guilty about using him as a rebound.
To me, he was vulnerable and not a sensible choice 

This is quite insightful, however you may want to worry about what's happening to you in this scenario. Maybe you're the rebound and vulnerable?

[lostandhurt]

You were not exclusive so you have zero to be upset about there.  You both were free to date and have sex with who ever you wanted to.

 Her choices are hers and hers alone so if you want to break up with her because she slept with this guy and you think it was a bad decision then that is judging her choices.  By the way she chose to date and sleep with you so are you a bad choice too?  You are coworkers...

 Having a former intimate partner hanging around is never a good thing no matter what anyone says about being friends with ex's.  It always causes at the least some trepidation in the new partner.

  In the end you have made your feelings clear that you don't like him texting her and she has chosen to continue for what ever reason. It may fade away in time or she may grow tired of being his security blanket and fade away on him but this is her choice once again.

 If you don't feel threatened by him and you trust her completely then this is nothing more than a irritation to you.  Now if he is trying to get back with her and she doesn't put a stop to it then I would say it is time to end the relationship.

  Lost

[Big Stan]

I would break up, but that's primarily because I feel that workplace romance is inviting trouble you don't really need.  Now it sounds like there is a little bit of a love triangle situation and is just too complicated.  I don't think I would be too happy about her still being friends with a guy she slept with too.  

Usually when two people have slept together at least one of them wants to do it again.  With that dynamic you can't really go backwards and be friends with an ex you've been intimate with, at least not until some substantial time has passed.  If he is hung up on her being friends it isn't a great move whether she feels sorry for him or is keeping him as a backup it's not great for you.  

I wouldn't play it as a him or me type thing, you work with these people play it cool.  I would just cut ties in a nice and friendly way.  Something like "I'm sorry I just cannot get over you being friends with X.  It's nothing you did wrong, it's my own insecurity and I think it's best we just end things before either of us gets too emotionally invested.  I would like to remain on good terms with you as we work together and I feel that this friendship will just be a source of tension for us that I would like to avoid."

Use your own words but make sure you stay away from accusing her or blaming her for anything as there really is no evidence she's done anything wrong.  You can't control the actions of someone else but you can control yours.  I wouldn't tolerate this situation if I was in your shoes, but I would want to end on good terms simply because there is no reason not to if neither of you were wronged in the relationship which appears to be the case here. 

[Big Stan]

2 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

I would break up, but that's primarily because I feel that workplace romance is inviting trouble you don't really need.  Now it sounds like there is a little bit of a love triangle situation and is just too complicated.  I don't think I would be too happy about her still being friends with a guy she slept with too.  

Usually when two people have slept together at least one of them wants to do it again.  With that dynamic you can't really go backwards and be friends with an ex you've been intimate with, at least not until some substantial time has passed.  If he is hung up on her being friends it isn't a great move whether she feels sorry for him or is keeping him as a backup it's not great for you.  

I wouldn't play it as a him or me type thing, you work with these people play it cool.  I would just cut ties in a nice and friendly way.  Something like "I'm sorry I just cannot get over you being friends with X.  It's nothing you did wrong, it's my own insecurity and I think it's best we just end things before either of us gets too emotionally invested.  I would like to remain on good terms with you as we work together and I feel that this friendship will just be a source of tension for us that I would like to avoid."

Use your own words but make sure you stay away from accusing her or blaming her for anything as there really is no evidence she's done anything wrong.  You can't control the actions of someone else but you can control yours.  I wouldn't tolerate this situation if I was in your shoes, but I would want to end on good terms simply because there is no reason not to if neither of you were wronged in the relationship which appears to be the case here. 

The biggest takeaway I have is that while she is 100% correct, at this stage in the game you cannot tell her who to be friends with, you also have the right to accept or not accept a situation.  You are set up for some heartache here, and there really is no good way out except to break up now while you're all still on decent terms with each other.  Maybe she decides that friends with this guy isn't worth your relationship, maybe she decides the friendship or her perceived obligation is more important than you are but that's fine either way.  

In your case you just need to extricate yourself from this volatile situation and save yourself a little future trouble. There are billions of women out there, find a different one. 

[smackie9]

Dude there are plenty of other fish in the sea. She ain't grownup enough to handle mature relationships and that is plain to see. You can do waaaay better than her. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I disagree with the poster who said you have zero right to be upset because you weren't exclusive.  Of course you have the "right" to feel upset, you and all of us have the right to feel however we feel.  They're our feelings and we are entitled to them.

Are they logical given you were not exclusive?  Probably not but matters of the heart are rarely "logical," they're emotional and if it were me, I would be quite upset too if I discovered the man I was dating and developing feelings for had slept with another woman while dating me.   That hurts!

If me I would end it right there.  Again, not logical but who cares, they're my feelings and in your case, they are YOUR feelings and no one else's.

It would tell me we were not on the same page, exclusivity talk or no exclusivity talk.  So no point in continuing.

JMHO!  Good luck.

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, Jamesmatthews said:

I think he’s in love with her

She likes the ego boost that he pays attention to her--that he's a fan. But she's just not that into him for more. If she were a decent person she'd be fair to both of you. She'd be fair to him by ending her friendship with him (of course, continuing to be pleasant as a co-worker) so that he'd be emotionally free to bond with a single woman. And she'd be fair to you by respecting your relationship and not communicate with a man she recently boinked, etc.

It's okay and normal to not be kosher with what she's doing. There are people who'd be okay with this, but you're not, so you have to do you.

If you're regularly stressed in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. There are single women who would match you in the way you'd like to behave in a relationship. I'd hold out for one of them. 

One thing I'd like to mention is that after 7 years, you should really take a good year off from dating. Perhaps if you take that time to know yourself as a single person for a while, you'll be able to make better decisions in future dating prospects and not just be guided by lust. Take care.