Not compatible?

[NIN2000]

My girlfriend and I have been living together and in doing so, I am beginning to question if we are compatible. I recognize that relationships are difficult and there are many issues which bring people together or apart -in the end nothing is perfect. 

I am a homeowner and my girl moved in with me over 6 months ago. As a homeowner I take pride in keeping my home clean, organized and properly maintained. On the other hand, my girlfriend is very messy and not too clean. According to her, "I'm picky and overreact". Perhaps I am and I would like everyone to provide me with feedback.

On many occasions, I wake up (my girl works earlier than I therefore she is gone by the time I wake up) and find her pajamas, shoes and other items laying on the bathroom floor, her breakfast half eaten left cold on the dinning room table. As I organize the bed, I find Crums of food in the bedsheets or a few coke cans on the floor next to the bed. We live in a large house with a dinning room and a kitchen and I have asked her NOT to eat in the bedrooms -she on the other hand sees nothing wrong with it.

My girl likes to walk barefooted in the back yard and on many occasions fails to washes her feet before going to bed. On a regular basis, in the morning as I make the bed I find the bedsheets with soiled foot print marks. Sometimes when she has a long workday she refuses to shower and downplays it. I find all of this to be very disgusting.

I've sat down with her and politely explained that I don't want her to pick up after me. At the same time, I expect her to pick up after herself. She downplays the issue and claims that I am "just picky;" I am not happy with any of this and the more we live together the more disgusted I am by her low expectations. In addition, this is my home and I think I deserve some respect.

In the end, I am starting to believe that we are not compatible. We value things differently. What do you think? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

I am not happy with any of this and the more we live together the more disgusted I am by her low expectations. In addition, this is my home and I think I deserve some respect

Agree. Your space should be respected. It seems like living together isn't working out.  Rather than arguing or trying to fix her or getting depressed in your own home, try to develop a fair plan for her departure. Is this the same woman?:

 

[Kwothe28]

Is it the one with dogs?

If it is, its not really surprising its not working out. It spelled "non compatible" from that alone.

Anyway, some things we only discover when we live with somebody. For example you are a "neat freak". And she seems like a giant "slob". And as such you trully arent compatible when it comes to sharing a living space.

[Batya33]

Did you talk about this beforehand and does she also see it as she is a guest in your home and your particular expectations of cleanliness? What was the purpose in having her move into your home? Do you take pride in being her partner like you do in being a homeowner and if so are you willing to compromise your standards to live together so it is her home too and therefore compromise? Can you chip in on a cleaning service so that even if you have different standards of cleanliness you solve that by outsourcing? 

I think putting aside extremes two people can compromise and work together on this issue but if you see yourself as the homeowner and your house your rules that's unlikely to happen.

I'd leave emotions out of it.  Tell her your expectations:  please put dishes in the sink and off the table, no food in bedrooms (I am not as neat as you and these things to me are about hygiene and a given), and as far as clothing on floor I'd say to take care of that same day on a work day as she may be racing to get out of the house in the morning.  Or have a pile in the corner of the room which then will be transferred to the washing machine end of day.  

Is she helping you to pay your mortgage?

[Andrina]

I'm surprised you didn't see that behavior in the past, as I'm assuming you had her sleep over before you moved in. Regardless, communication hasn't worked. What you're asking for is reasonable. She doesn't care that it stresses you out. And it's rude she leaves the half-eaten food for you to clean up.

If it were me, I'd consider it a dealbreaker. You know you're dating the right person when you don't want to change them in a major way.

[Batya33]

Just now, Andrina said:

I'm surprised you didn't see that behavior in the past, as I'm assuming you had her sleep over before you moved in. Regardless, communication hasn't worked. What you're asking for is reasonable. She doesn't care that it stresses you out. And it's rude she leaves the half-eaten food for you to clean up.

If it were me, I'd consider it a dealbreaker. You know you're dating the right person when you don't want to change them in a major way.

I'd give it more of a chance -these are bad habits and can be changed.  My sister was a slob when she lived with my parents into her early 20s (when she wasn't away at school for a year or so ) - and she married at 23 and became a neat freak - neat and clean home with 4 kids and no cleaning help.  A townhouse maybe 3 bedrooms at most.  Complete transformation and on her own - not because someone asked her to.  

Also I wonder if she feels like too much of a guest and the whole vibe of "I'm a homeowner/this is my home" so there's some like rebellion.

I am not neat or clutter free but I am clean and like I wrote -crumbs of food in bedrooms can be disastrous as far as bugs/odor - and it's just rude not to clean up a table from your own meal. She's not at a restaurant (I wonder if she leaves stuff all over tables at fast food places too??)

[NIN2000]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Tell her your expectations:

I've sat down with her in the past and explained that I clean up after myself and ask that she do the same. I don't like food in the bedrooms due to possible spills, bugs, etc. Sometimes she helps me in the garden, gets sweaty and then leaves to go see her family. At night she returns and "forgets to take a shower." The next day, when we wake up, her side of the sheets has black dirt on it due to her dirty feet. (This has happened a few times). I understand scenarios when she woke up late and is running for work, as a result, she left the bathroom messy -that's fine, that happens to all of us. But when I wake up and find dirty dishes left on the dinning room table, an empty Coke bottle in the bathroom, a half Coke bottle in the bedroom on the floor, dirty laundry on the floor throughout our master bedroom, and it happens over and over and over and she take no corrective action -that's different. The biggest shock in my opinion is her blindness to the above -she sees nothing wrong with walking barefoot outside, soiling her feet and jumping in bed dirty. leaving a mess all over the house is another thing. I've politely explained to her that I don't want to arrive from work and have to pick up after her.

As for the mortgage -my house is paid off, there is no mortgage. 

[Cherylyn]

Face it.  Your girlfriend is a slob,  unsanitary and doesn't practice good hygiene because she does not care.  She doesn't care if your house looks like a train wreck.   Lack of empathy and indifference is a form of disrespect no matter what the issue is.  Perhaps she was raised to be a dirty slob.  Often times it stems from childhood surroundings and upbringing or she expects you to be her housemaid because you do it.  Or, some people grow up in orderly clean homes,  get lazy and choose to live like a slob.  Not that your girlfriend would ever care if you were to cease picking up and cleaning up after her.  She will simply step over all messes and turn a blind eye to living in a pig's stye.  🐷 🐖

There is no compromise here.  It's not unreasonable for her to pick up after herself,  not eat in bed,  wash her soiled feet before entering your house,  showering daily,  keeping the place clean, decluttered, neat,  tidy and respecting the house and your house.  It's common sense. 

My husband,  sons and I are decluttered,  clean, neatniks.  I don't like my house to look sloppy,  messy,  cluttered and unclean.  No way.  All of us prefer cleanliness. 

Your girlfriend's remark of:  "You're picky and overreact" is gaslighting which is deflecting and twisting the blame back onto you.  Always be prepared for gaslighting.  I can smell a gaslighter from a mile away. ☹️  Never allow anyone to get away with gaslighting you.  It's a nasty,  ugly,  disdainful way to argue.  Gaslighting is manipulating the conversation and psychological warfare. 

Your values are not the same.  Learn to lower your standards in people,  lower your expectations of them and tolerate the likes of your girlfriend because no one will change for you.  Either accept your girlfriend or anyone as is or find a replacement.   Live with a filthy slob or kick her out.  🦶 Those are your choices. 

[NIN2000]

38 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'm surprised you didn't see that behavior in the past, as I'm assuming you had her sleep over before you moved in.

The behavior has been there but it has had its up's and down's. The first time it happened, I sat down with her and politely asked her to help me keep the house clean and organized. At first she felt embarrassed by her bad habits, with time she started to make faces and act like if I was pestering her. It was then that I started to realize that we have different expectations when it comes to cleaning and personal hygiene. 

[NIN2000]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

tolerate the likes of your girlfriend because no one will change for you.

You are absolutely correct in your entire response. This is an issue of different personalities and expectations, and I am realizing that we are not compatible. The righting is on the wall, as painful as it will be, I'm going to have to cut my losses and move on with life.

I've dated plenty but never was there an issue of hygiene or cleaning with any of my past girlfriends. 

Thank you for your reply.

[Cherylyn]

49 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

You are absolutely correct in your entire response. This is an issue of different personalities and expectations, and I am realizing that we are not compatible. The righting is on the wall, as painful as it will be, I'm going to have to cut my losses and move on with life.

I've dated plenty but never was there an issue of hygiene or cleaning with any of my past girlfriends. 

Thank you for your reply.

Thank you for your kind words @NIN2000. 

You are correct.  Your girlfriend is gross !  😩  Cut your losses and hopefully your next girlfriend is conscientious regarding common sense cleanliness for herself,  your house,  keeping your house decluttered,  neat and tidy as opposed to being an inconsiderate,  very disrespectful dirty slob.  Make sure your principles and values are on the same wavelength and on the same page in the future.  Live and learn.

[Big Stan]

2 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

I've sat down with her in the past and explained that I clean up after myself and ask that she do the same. I don't like food in the bedrooms due to possible spills, bugs, etc. Sometimes she helps me in the garden, gets sweaty and then leaves to go see her family. At night she returns and "forgets to take a shower." The next day, when we wake up, her side of the sheets has black dirt on it due to her dirty feet. (This has happened a few times). I understand scenarios when she woke up late and is running for work, as a result, she left the bathroom messy -that's fine, that happens to all of us. But when I wake up and find dirty dishes left on the dinning room table, an empty Coke bottle in the bathroom, a half Coke bottle in the bedroom on the floor, dirty laundry on the floor throughout our master bedroom, and it happens over and over and over and she take no corrective action -that's different. The biggest shock in my opinion is her blindness to the above -she sees nothing wrong with walking barefoot outside, soiling her feet and jumping in bed dirty. leaving a mess all over the house is another thing. I've politely explained to her that I don't want to arrive from work and have to pick up after her.

As for the mortgage -my house is paid off, there is no mortgage. 

I am not the neatest person in the world but I couldn't live in a trash heap like that.  There is messy and then there is gross.  From where I'm standing it's simply unacceptable to cohabitate with someone like that.  Especially since it's your house, she should be extra respectful of the place. 

This level of uncleanliness also makes her low class.  Anyone who cannot even take the most basic care of their environment is a pretty low class person.  I wouldn't date someone like that.  Class isn't about money, it's about the consideration of others and the way you treat shared things.  

[lostandhurt]

This is why it is a good idea to live together before a life long commitment. 

 On some things you are being a little picky but most of what you described sounds like a 13 yr olds bedroom.  I agree she isn't the one for you and you are not the one for her.  She isn't broken, she just isn't a clean up after yourself right away type of person.  I am sure there is a guy for her out there that is laid back about it just like she is.

 While dating I learned to sneak a peek in my dates car when first meeting them.  Messy car messy life.  If I saw fast food bags and wrappers, soda cans and trash I kept my eyes open to other clues.  I was surprised once when I glanced in the back seat of this very attractive girls car and saw 3 or 4 pairs of panties laying on the back seat.  The whole date I sat there wondering what the deal was with those panties.  I found out on the second date...

 Sucks to get this far and realize a dealbreaker cannot be overcome.  Both of you should be happy with your partner but unfortunately it will be with different partners.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

You are not compatible. And if it's the same woman from your past threads, I am surprised you are realizing this only now. 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

She downplays the issue and claims that I am "just picky;"

The fact that she would respond this way to your attempt to reason with her would be a dealbreaker for me. It sounds as though she's confident that she has you wrapped around her finger and holds no respect for you, sorry to say.

She sounds like someone who could give you trouble when you ask her to leave. I'd negotiate her exit so that there's something in it for her if she cooperates. I'd tell her that if she's out within 2 weeks with no issues, I'll subsidize one month's rent paid directly to a landlord of her choice. If not, she'll be served a formal eviction with no help from me to leave.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

The whole date I sat there wondering what the deal was with those panties.  I found out on the second date...

OK, I need to ask: Why did she had spare panties in back seat? 😆

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

 The righting is on the wall, as painful as it will be, I'm going to have to cut my losses and move on with life.

Yes that's true. Shift your focus on developing a fair plan for her to move out of your house. Check tenant-landlord laws in your area. Give her adequate legal notice to find another place and move out. Start to sever all financial ties and accounts.

Does she pay rent? Do you two have a lease agreement?  Hopefully she'll move out with reasonable notice. Make sure everything is in writing as far as asking her to move out. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

I've sat down with her in the past and explained that I clean up after myself and ask that she do the same. I don't like food in the bedrooms due to possible spills, bugs, etc. Sometimes she helps me in the garden, gets sweaty and then leaves to go see her family. At night she returns and "forgets to take a shower." The next day, when we wake up, her side of the sheets has black dirt on it due to her dirty feet. (This has happened a few times). I understand scenarios when she woke up late and is running for work, as a result, she left the bathroom messy -that's fine, that happens to all of us. But when I wake up and find dirty dishes left on the dinning room table, an empty Coke bottle in the bathroom, a half Coke bottle in the bedroom on the floor, dirty laundry on the floor throughout our master bedroom, and it happens over and over and over and she take no corrective action -that's different. The biggest shock in my opinion is her blindness to the above -she sees nothing wrong with walking barefoot outside, soiling her feet and jumping in bed dirty. leaving a mess all over the house is another thing. I've politely explained to her that I don't want to arrive from work and have to pick up after her.

As for the mortgage -my house is paid off, there is no mortgage. 

I now agree she has really poor habits and values about hygiene and cleanliness.  By contrast -my husband is not neat at all neither were his parents (and yes they owned their home and yes they chose travel all over with their son over renovating their kitchen which was absolutely functional and absolutely out of date LOL).

By contrast -my husband every night leaves his empty water glass on the kitchen pass through and sometimes it's a water/juice combo.  His thinking is he's concerned about clinking the glass in the sink while I'm asleep (small apartment).

  I mean sure I wish he'd put the darn glass in the sink but it's one glass.  And I'm accustomed to walking around never empty handed meaning you clean as you go - noticing what needs to be moved/quickly tidied etc.  So the glass is no biggie. 

And if I ask him to stop doing ___ or to do ___ he really does try and often succeeds.  He now automatically gets up as soon as he hears me gathering the trash to take out (he hates this task/I don't mind it) and he refills each empty container with a liner so it's ready when I get back.  I don't ask he does it.  He puts all his dirty laundry in one location which is then dumped in the machine by me when I do laundry (again it works for us since he is not sure of my schedule and doesn't want to put it in if I'm not doing that sort of wash that day, etc.). So it's in a pile in a specific corner and moved daily.  If we had someone coming over it would be dumped in the machine in two seconds.

We all take our shoes off as soon as we walk in -designated spot inside plus socks if somehow those came in contact with the outside.  My son showers after coming in from school or being outside active.  No dirty feet in the house.  If feet are dirty for some reason like the pool/beach they're wiped off before walking into the main home.  Not everyone does this but your GF is extreme IMO with dirty feet -what is she thinking -sorry if I'm being dramatic- it's gross. 

He is not neat.  He doesn't know much about cleaning and I don't know much about handyman stuff. We have taught each other but what's important is a fair division of labor especially if one person is more particular about cleaning. I am NOT ok with your GF's attitude or her habits combined.  JMHO.  She's inconsiderate and careless and honestly unless  you have a superhuman immune system you're all gonna get sick.  

I don't think she should be living with you if this is her attitude and these are her values. Lost cause IMO.

[boltnrun]

The question I always ask people in these situations is...if you knew she would never adjust her behavior, would you want to spend the next 40 years with her?  How about the next four years?  Or the next four months?

We have to accept people as they are.  Sure, people can and do make adjustments.  But that's when they're open to and amenable to these adjustments.  When they refuse and/or complain you're being "picky", that's not someone who's amenable to change.

BTW, I am also very particular about keeping my home clean, so anyone who had the behaviors she does wouldn't be compatible with me.

[smackie9]

 

If she acknowledged that it's something she needs to stop doing because it's time to grow the f up, I would say its a good start and workable BUT but to mock you, and see nothing wrong with how she lives, is not a person who is going to change. it's that entitled attitude you need to look out for. And btw, it's not normal to have so many ups and downs, struggles, having to have so many "discussions" on correcting things. You are not compatible period. 

Food in the bedroom? crumbs in the bed? GROSS! That right there for me is a deal breaker. Kick her to the curb. 

[SooSad33]

Did you not know her ways until now?  How long have you been involved?  I know it says she moved in abt 6 months ago.

I guess this is how she rolls. 😉 .  you can only harp so much about all of this.  If she's not up to YOUR standards, then she isn't.

Maybe you're too used to being on your own there & having it your way all of the time. Now, you've let your partner come share your space.  But she isn't perfect.

Is up to you to either give her a little more time to adjust to your lifestyle & preferences or just speak up & say you're not happy with her presence.

17 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

The biggest shock in my opinion is her blindness to the above -she sees nothing wrong with walking barefoot outside, soiling her feet and jumping in bed dirty. leaving a mess all over the house is another thing. I've politely explained to her that I don't want to arrive from work and have to pick up after her.

No, you're right, you shouldn't have to.... but all it takes is maybe a reminder.  ( Or maybe you've done this?).

 

[smackie9]

Soiled feet in the bed? Double gross. 

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

We all take our shoes off as soon as we walk in -designated spot inside plus socks if somehow those came in contact with the outside.  My son showers after coming in from school or being outside active.  No dirty feet in the house.  If feet are dirty for some reason like the pool/beach they're wiped off before walking into the main home.  Not everyone does this but your GF is extreme IMO with dirty feet -what is she thinking -sorry if I'm being dramatic- it's gross. 

He is not neat.  He doesn't know much about cleaning and I don't know much about handyman stuff. We have taught each other but what's important is a fair division of labor especially if one person is more particular about cleaning. I am NOT ok with your GF's attitude or her habits combined.  JMHO.  She's inconsiderate and careless and honestly unless  you have a superhuman immune system you're all gonna get sick.  

I don't think she should be living with you if this is her attitude and these are her values. Lost cause IMO.

Agree @Batya33 !  Same here.  My husband,  sons and I prefer common sense hygiene and cleanliness in our house.  We're not big on clutter either.  An orderly,  clean,  declutterd house is our lifestyle and makes our lives actually easier to maintain if anything. 

No filthy slobs allowed over here!  If you want to live like a dog,  go outside and live there!  🐶 🐕