Needs advice: am I right for my reaction/position

[Hope098]

Hello, my relation has ended 2 days ago, over a phone call, after being together for almost 4 years.

Background: we had a good relationship for 3 years, everything was going great until my ex started thinking about the next step and he started to stress, he came forward with his doubts, mentioning he does not feel his love is strong enough, and coming with all of these 'excuses' that no one could understand; for instance: I love you, our values are aligned and all, but I feel that my heart is not giving me the signs. It got very negative after, as I started doubting him and analysing everything he does. So we decided to break up last June 2022. We went no contacts and I started moving on with my life. In last October he reached out and we met, it was very natural and we started seeing each other again ( but not officially back), in the meantime we discussed many things, after few months, he asked to get back together and we put on the table everything, he said now he knows what he wants, we discussed to have a long travel, then move in together, and soon to meet my parents, we discussed financials, marriage, beliefs, kids ... all of it, and we were both aligned. We got back together in January.

In April, I asked him about he gave thoughts about the next steps, travel and moving in, if we have the same perspective still and he said he was feeling very happy in the moment, and when ever started to think about the future, he feels stressed so he just stopped thinking about it and decided to enjoy and be in the moment, that was a mixed signed for me, because I thought we were having the same intentions. Then he mentioned he will have some me time during his travel alone the upcoming month and think about it and I was okay with it.

back in March, we fixed the date for the travel, for Mid July. And whenever I brought the topic to start planning, as flight tickets are getting more and more expensive, noting only or less than 2 months left for the booked holidays, he said that I'm pressuring him and he feels stressed. we had some discussions about it. 

After his travel, I suggested to start planning, a travel in 1.5 month, again same reaction and he mentioned pressure again. 

I got intrigued/annoyed and I asked if he thought about the relationship, his intentions.... and he said NO, I didn't think about the future and im not thinking about moving in soon because I DONT FEEL IT and I NEED to FEEL IT to take these steps.

and then he just gave up on the whole relationship, seeing I don't feel it.

the past days, I can't get over what happened and how could it be this easy to just gave up and the confusion of 5 months ago, he meant everything he said, and now he just doesn't feel it anymore. 

 

Any advices here?

 

[JoyfulCompany]

The shortest answer I could give is that some people:
- lie to themselves first and, as a consequence - to others;
- have zero courage or integrity to do the right thing when it involves hurting someone;

Sounds like the fear of being alone (or a dry spell) was the fuel for your ex to reach out again and think he's ready to commit. But once the "danger" was over, turns out he didn't actually wanted it.

I think you deserve much much better. I'm sorry you're hurting. I find it absolute crap how he deflected the question of travelling together and how he ended things via phone. What the heck. No decent human being would willingly waste your time like that. No decent human being would avoid a personal let down after so much time and history together. This guy simply doesn't care about you and is a pathetic coward.

Block and proceed with the no contact. This time don't leave space for reconciliation. Heal and move on. When you see people don't match their words with their actions, remove them from your orbit.
I wish you a speedy recovery and good luck.

[Andrina]

I've never once taken back an ex, whether I did the breaking up or he did. If I did the breaking up, I'd thought long and hard and did it for good reasons. If he were the initiator, I'd know he knew that action could spell forever. A person willing to do this couldn't truly care about me in doing so, unless there was a dealbreaker like cheating, and in this case, there wasn't one.

My advice is to learn that a person's recent past behavior is a good predictor of present and future behavior. He definitely did a repeat. It was a mistake to take him back, but as long as you learn from the mistake, you'll likely make better decisions in the future.

Block him so you can have closure. He no longer deserves access to you, especially when he has another dry spell. Take care.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Hope098 said:

how could it be this easy to just gave up

The thing is, this relationship hasn't been on solid ground since you first broke up. He's been unsure, stressed at the thought of planning a future together, dodging committing to something...this second break-up was inevitable. 

He is right to let go if he doesn't have those feelings for you. I realize it hurts a lot but trying to stay together when he didn't actually want a future with you would have been an absolute disaster. 

6 hours ago, Hope098 said:

coming with all of these 'excuses' that no one could understand; for instance: I love you, our values are aligned and all, but I feel that my heart is not giving me the signs.

Those aren't excuses. Those are very valid reasons to end things. I think he was being honest with you then. He cared about you, but didn't feel strongly enough to take it further. 

It wasn't the best choice to get back together, but now you know without any doubt that this is not the right man for you. It's time to close the door on this for good. 

[Cherylyn]

He gave you one of those "it's not you,  it's me"  typical excuses to bail.  🙄

He was never sincerely serious about you regarding anything to do with you,  plans,  commitments,  all of it.  I'm sorry.

Feel relieved that he's no more and that you're no longer wasting your time,  energy,  resources and brain space on him.  Good riddance! 

[Hope098]

 

6 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

The shortest answer I could give is that some people:
- lie to themselves first and, as a consequence - to others;
- have zero courage or integrity to do the right thing when it involves hurting someone;

Sounds like the fear of being alone (or a dry spell) was the fuel for your ex to reach out again and think he's ready to commit. But once the "danger" was over, turns out he didn't actually wanted it.

I think you deserve much much better. I'm sorry you're hurting. I find it absolute crap how he deflected the question of travelling together and how he ended things via phone. What the heck. No decent human being would willingly waste your time like that. No decent human being would avoid a personal let down after so much time and history together. This guy simply doesn't care about you and is a pathetic coward.

Block and proceed with the no contact. This time don't leave space for reconciliation. Heal and move on. When you see people don't match their words with their actions, remove them from your orbit.
I wish you a speedy recovery and good luck.

Thank you for this! seriously, a eye opener reply. Indeed when he was back, he was not doing good at all, and now that things are back on track, after I supported him, same story repeated itself. for a moment the voice inside my head started doubting if I indeed put pressure on him, doubting myself and regretting expressing my 'clear' intentions 😞 . I already proceeded with no contact and was clear with my boundaries. Time to move on!

[Hope098]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

My advice is to learn that a person's recent past behavior is a good predictor of present and future behavior. He definitely did a repeat.

I will definitely remember this forever! I stupidly believed that he knows what he wanted the moment we got back and trusted him.  Thank you for the advice! I will take this lesson with me, always 

[Hope098]

45 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The thing is, this relationship hasn't been on solid ground since you first broke up. He's been unsure, stressed at the thought of planning a future together, dodging committing to something...this second break-up was inevitable. 

He is right to let go if he doesn't have those feelings for you. I realize it hurts a lot but trying to stay together when he didn't actually want a future with you would have been an absolute disaster. 

Those aren't excuses. Those are very valid reasons to end things. I think he was being honest with you then. He cared about you, but didn't feel strongly enough to take it further. 

It wasn't the best choice to get back together, but now you know without any doubt that this is not the right man for you. It's time to close the door on this for good. 

I totally agree! and what bothered me the most is him not being honest and committing to something the moment that he was still unsure. I truly believe we can never force relationships. But the second change trusting him took a lot of energy and with his actions, it's hard for me to see his honestly, as we could have saved all this drama by not coming back at all since he is not sure nor seeing a future. Thanks for the insight, now indeed I have no doubts his is not the right one, and no more chances to give.

[Cherylyn]

Yeah,  I know it's hard to hear.  🥴  He's a waste of your time and energy.   

[Hope098]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Yeah,  I know it's hard to hear.  🥴  He's a waste of your time and energy.   

You have no idea! so much energy, and time. I was already doing well after the first break up, I'm a believer that things happens for a reason, so I started moving on. Then, he was back and not doing well, and I felt bad as well, so I supported him fully. Now I had the Impression that when he got back on his feet and started feeling good about himself, he said he doesn't feel it anymore.

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Hope098 said:

You have no idea! so much energy, and time. I was already doing well after the first break up, I'm a believer that things happens for a reason, so I started moving on. Then, he was back and not doing well, and I felt bad as well, so I supported him fully. Now I had the Impression that when he got back on his feet and started feeling good about himself, he said he doesn't feel it anymore.

It was his "creative" way of telling you he wants to exit the relationship with you.  I'm very sorry.  He's actually very selfish and self-centered because his main focus is what he wants and didn't care how you felt.  This realization is wisdom gained for you.  I'm sorry for your pain,  bitterness and resentment.  Consider this chapter of your life closed and keep forging ahead by taking good care of yourself.  Over time,  eventually he'll become a blur.  In the meantime,  be good to yourself.  ❤️  Heal within yourself and other times, be with sound,  very moral people. 

[Kwothe28]

19 hours ago, Hope098 said:

the past days, I can't get over what happened and how could it be this easy to just gave up and the confusion of 5 months ago, he meant everything he said, and now he just doesn't feel it anymore. 

 

You are confused because you believed his words when he came back. Sometimes after a long period together, connection dies down. At the start it was probably passionable and your goals aligned so it was all more less smooth. But after a while(some say 6 months- 3 years) passion usually dies down. So what is left after that is that connection or what some would call it "love". Unfortunately, he doesnt feel that for you. He maybe came back because he wanted to try again but he just doesnt feel it. And if its like that its better to separate now before you make any more out of relationships like marriage and kids. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Hope098 said:

 what bothered me the most is him not being honest and committing to something the moment that he was still unsure

Very sorry this happened. It's good you ended things for good despite how painful it was. Unfortunately he's never been onboard. Just coasting along with lip service for his own convenience. 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Your desire for a committed relationship with an enthusiastic partner is fine, but this man was just along for the ride.

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry, I know it hurts. When you say that the first 3 years were good, what kind of discussions did you have about the future?