How do I interpret her behavior?

[matt_eagle]

Hello all,
I need your opinion.

At university I have a very good friend, she is a fellow student of mine.
I am like a big brother to her, I would say.

She has always been "cuddly" and "flirty" on me and also towards other people.
Some time ago she was in an emotionally difficult situation. In addition, right now there is a very busy phase at university.
I took her in my arms and comforted her - as one does among good friends.
Since then, the intensity of her cuddling with me has increased significantly.
She seeks my closeness, snuggles up close and leans her head on my shoulder.
She hooks herself underneath, plays tenderly on my upper arm and can hardly let go of me.
In this intensity I know this only from couples or from my previous relationships.

In the evening, a few days ago, I accompanied her home.
When I hugged her goodbye, she pressed herself against me for an endlessly long time and literally buried her head in my chest.
Then it gushed out of her:
She was so happy to have me and I was indescribably important to her.
With me she'd feel safe, secure and could let her guard down when she's with me.
I was completely taken aback and could only utter a surprised 'Oh' - I know such statements from a completely different context.

Of course, her compliments make me happy and I am glad that I have her as such a close and good friend.
But at the same time, I'm confused about what this means from her.

Next week we plan to go to the movies and to the park.
I don't know what to expect when it's just the two of us.
How should I act towards her?
Should I speak to her about all this?

Thank you very much for your help!

[Cherylyn]

Have a talk with her.  Hopefully, she'll be mature enough to listen.  Tell her you're receiving mixed,  confusing signals egarding her physical affections towards you.  Perhaps it's time to enforce some healthy boundaries regarding excessive cuddling between you two especially if either one of you don't have any intentions of becoming girlfriend / boyfriend material.  It's time to have a talk with her.  A good time to have this talk would be at the park with zero distractions.  Turn off the phones, put them away and have a conversation.  If she's mature, she'll respond intelligently with calm answers.  If she's emotionally charged, she'll respond in an immature way.  Then you'll know that she's unstable and you'll have to readjust the friendship so it's less awkward and more proper regarding normal friendship type interactions (less physical).

[Andrina]

Whether or not you're into her, yes, I think a discussion would be in your best interest. If you're not into her or she's just not into you as a potential bf, you don't want potential dates to steer clear of you, thinking you're already taken. If that's the case, I'd request no more touchy-feely behavior, wording it kindly, of course.

If she is into you, and you're into her, then I suppose you'll be happy. But you say she is cuddly and flirty with other guys, so do you really want to date a woman who does this?

14 minutes ago, matt_eagle said:

She seeks my closeness, snuggles up close and leans her head on my shoulder.
She hooks herself underneath, plays tenderly on my upper arm and can hardly let go of me.

She's the opposite of shy, so if she wanted to date you, don't you think she would've asked if you were into her as much as she's into you, and if you wanted to try dating?

From what I've experienced by observation in my lifetime, a person like this just isn't that into you, but likes the ego boost that you have a crush on her. If you do, yes, she knows. And since she does this with other guys too, she likes a male harem, and this is who she is. Don't begin to date her if you don't want any part of that, and then scream at her to stop that behavior. It's not up to you to change someone. It's in your best interest to date someone you don't want to change. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[matt_eagle]

Thank you very much for your answers.
I maybe should have clarified that I do not wish to engage in a relationship now.
I am happy to have her as a friend and wish it stays that way.

What you said about her cuddling being some kind of ego-boosting is an interesting point.
So far I indeed know her as a reliable, emotionally stable and mature person.
She is not the typical 'needy' girl, I would say - just a bit more 'outgoing', if that is the right term.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, matt_eagle said:

Next week we plan to go to the movies and to the park.

I don't know what to expect when it's just the two of us.

Would you like to be more than friends? This seems like a date.  She seems into you, so you'll have to be clear whether you want to be friends or date.

[Cherylyn]

28 minutes ago, matt_eagle said:

Thank you very much for your answers.
I maybe should have clarified that I do not wish to engage in a relationship now.
I am happy to have her as a friend and wish it stays that way.

What you said about her cuddling being some kind of ego-boosting is an interesting point.
So far I indeed know her as a reliable, emotionally stable and mature person.
She is not the typical 'needy' girl, I would say - just a bit more 'outgoing', if that is the right term.

Tell her that the excessive physical affections and cuddling is over the top too much.  Be direct.  Either she'll handle your conversation with you in a calm, intelligent, mature manner or she'll become angry and emotional.  This will actually test your friendship with her.  Tell her point blank that you reserve cuddling and physical affections for a girlfriend / boyfriend relationship only.  Tell her you're uncomfortable with her being too physically touchy-feely with you and she needs to back off with some healthy boundaries in a friendship.  You shouldn't have to school her but some people need some common sense knocked into them otherwise they'll continue doing whatever makes you feel uncomfortable as long as you remain silent.  Speak up or there won't be any changes.  Don't do it over text.  Have an in person discussion before the movie otherwise she'll cuddle with you at the movie theater.  Then at the park, if necessary. 

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt interpret her behavior in a romantic way. You yourself say how she feels safe and secure with you and that you are like a big brother to her. Here is the thing, women dont fall in love in "big brother" types. They friendzone them. Because they cant see them in the romantic way. That is one of the mistakes some men do. They are trying to be friends first without trying to "rock the boat" a bit. And after that, women dont see them as a romantic interest anymore, just as friends. But as you dont want to pursue romantic way there, I would say you are "safe". Though there is worrying about your future romantic interests. And would they accept that you have a friend that is "cuddly" with you.

[smackie9]

You have total control over this. If you don't see her in a romantic way, maybe stop hanging out so much, especially one on one. And don't encourage the physical interaction, or at least try to limit it by cutting it short. 

[reinventmyself]

If you value her friendship I personally would find an opportunity to sneak a 'friend' title into a conversation.  I personally don't think a heavy handed conversation is needed.  Unless she's offending you and crashing a boundary in some way that makes you uncomfortable. 

To call her out on her affections would embarrass her and possibly yourself, if she doesn't see as anymore than friend to begin with.  It would likely damage your friendship.

There is a subtle and gentle way to handle this.

[SooSad33]

21 hours ago, matt_eagle said:

I maybe should have clarified that I do not wish to engage in a relationship now.
I am happy to have her as a friend and wish it stays that way.

Then you need to make sure she understand this.

The worst thing to do is lead someone on - with no intent.

 

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You have total control over this. If you don't see her in a romantic way, maybe stop hanging out so much, especially one on one. And don't encourage the physical interaction, or at least try to limit it by cutting it short.