Confusing Relationship Dynamic with Close Friend

[Erin6]

I'm having a hard time sorting out my relationship with one of my close friends. We initially met on a dating app and I was pretty into them but then they ended things since we were in exams and it was too much for them. We decided to be friends and I took a couple months to deal with my feelings before actually reaching back out to them. We ended up having a lot in common and got really close.

They had just gotten out of a 3 year long relationship when we initially met, which made a lot of sense and I've been there for them while they've been going through it. I started catching feelings but I made my peace with it and reminded myself that they weren't in a place for a relationship. This was near the beginning of our friendship. And for a long time we were just really close friends. Recently though they started acting like they like me. I was open to exploring it but I also don't feel like we're looking for the same thing in a partner. The last time we talked about relationships they said they want to date someone for a couple months to just be toxic with and I have been going to therapy and have decided the next time I date I want to pursue a healthy realtionship. We've both told each other this before.

Anyways we were talking about kinks one night and I said I wasn't big on one of theirs and they started acting weird. Which I understand if that made them stop liking me. I figured it would take some time for our friendship to calm back down. Instead though, everytime we hang out we end up cuddling now. I don't mind because platonic cuddling is fun and they never indicated it was anything else. Although they seemed like they didn't want to talk to me as much other than when we'd hang out, which bothered me.

However, a few days ago we were celebrating our friend getting hired for a new job with drinks and the cuddling progressed to us almost sleeping together. The entire time they checked with me to make sure I was okay with what was going on and I was to a certain extent (although I was also pretty drunk) but stopped it at a point, and they seemed fine with this. Sex doesn't mean a lot to them but it means a lot to me and they know this. I'm demisexual which means I don't feel sexual attraction unless I have a deep connection to someone. The entire time things were going down between us I was experiencing arousal non-concordance, which is when you brain and body aren't on the same page sexually. This is pretty common for me because a prerequisite for me to have sex is to be in a relationship with the person I'm with. They gave me hickies and everytime I see them I get nauseous. I don't dislike this person but this relationship dynamic, if they just want sex from me, doesn't work for me. I'm not really sure how to approach this now. Also, since we almost had sex they've been reaching out to me more like they did before this romantic stuff happened. I'm just really confused and could really use an outside perspective.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Erin6 said:

 they want to date someone for a couple months to just be toxic with and I have been going to therapy and have decided the next time I date I want to pursue a healthy realtionship. 

Sorry this is happening.  Please speak with your therapist about this situation. Especially what is meant by " just be toxic with".

You describe a great deal of distress at the nebulous situationship nature of this.

Is this a same sex relationship that is confusing or new for either of you? You mentioned  "the entire time things were going down between us I was experiencing arousal non-concordance". 

Unfortunately the situationship seems to be doing more harm than good. Perhaps you two are not on the same page?

 

[smackie9]

If you want to give it a shot: You will just have to communication well with this person in how you would like to approach things and about your feelings. Never ever say anything to them just to make them happy/satisfied. You will only end up in a bad situation.

IMO tho you need to get back your control because you sound out of sorts/confused. I strongly feel it's doubtful this person will ever meet your needs/expectations where you would feel comfortable. The emotional high you get is like a carrot on a stick you keep chasing and ignoring the red flags.

[Erin6]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  Please speak with your therapist about this situation. Especially what is meant by " just be toxic with".

You describe a great deal of distress at the nebulous situationship nature of this.

Is this a same sex relationship that is confusing or new for either of you? You mentioned  "the entire time things were going down between us I was experiencing arousal non-concordance". 

Unfortunately the situationship seems to be doing more harm than good. Perhaps you two are not on the same page?

 

The gender relationship isn't one either of us are new to. I get non-concordance because I'm demi, it's pretty common for me, it always happens if i try to be with someone I'm not in a relationship with since a prerequisite for sexaul attraction for me is a deep bond but also a stable relationship. It's kind of weird but that's the way things have always been for me.

Yeah a lot is up in the air that I hope we can clarify. I've just never been in a situation like this so I'm having a lot of trouble processing it.

[Erin6]

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If you want to give it a shot: You will just have to communication well with this person in how you would like to approach things and about your feelings. Never ever say anything to them just to make them happy/satisfied. You will only end up in a bad situation.

IMO tho you need to get back your control because you sound out of sorts/confused. I strongly feel it's doubtful this person will ever meet your needs/expectations where you would feel comfortable. The emotional high you get is like a carrot on a stick you keep chasing and ignoring the red flags.

I feel the both of us probably know that we aren't looking for the same thing relationship wise. I guess the next time we hang out I'll talk with them. It's just really confusing since I'm still new to making healthy choices. You're right though, I am extremely confused but I porbably won't get clarity until I know how they feel about this situation right?

[Batya33]

Since you want a relationship with him and he doesn’t want one with you I’d stop lying to myself and being his friend.  It doesn’t matter what psycho babble he tells you about why since obviously he’s ready to hook up and put his penis inside you. Assume he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material. Nothing to process. It’s really simple. Don’t complicate it by being his friend. How nauseous would you feel if he tells you about some woman he hooked up with ?  Or wants to take a bite out of.  That’s what friends dish about.  
I know you’re close friends but given your choice to cross the line I’d tell him he can contact you if he decides he wants to be in a potentially serious relationship with you and if you’re still interested and available you’ll consider it. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Erin6 said:

 since a prerequisite for sexaul attraction for me is a deep bond but also a stable relationship. 

The confusion seems to be that you're accepting a nebulous situationship but you want a stable relationship.  Try to be true to yourself and not settle for situations this confusing.

There's nothing new or unusual about wanting intimacy in the context of a committed stable relationship with an emotional connection.

Try not to overcomplicate things with labels when its as simple as hoping for a stable committed loving relationship with intimacy which is not being offered here. It's up to you to determine that and set the boundaries, not someone looking for "being toxic".

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Erin6 said:

The last time we talked about relationships they said they want to date someone for a couple months to just be toxic with

That statement especially, would be eye-opening to me, getting an inside look at what a toxic brain looks like. Is that really not a dealbreaker to you, that someone would have the goal of being toxic to another person, and being abused in return?

Because of the chemistry you feel toward them, you're overlooking the obvious.

Now that you've crossed the line of friendship and have made out with her, there is no going back to friendship as far as your future of dating others is concerned. Unless you choose to date within a far smaller pool of people who are okay with you spending time with a person you wanted to be your partner, if only they'd felt the same way.

Do you really think they are clueless as to what you want? They don't care that you are growing more and more emotionally involved, even though for them it's casual with no attachments. Whereas if they were serious about being exclusive and snapping you up before anyone else does, they would ask your for this.

Go ahead and have a discussion if it will give you closure and will help you to move on. Some friendships are meant to have an expiration date, and this is one of them because of what has transpired. You will balk at the advice, but nobody said life was easy. The right person will make everything crystal clear. There is no "up in the air" when two people are on the same page. Good luck.

[Erin6]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

The confusion seems to be that you're accepting a nebulous situationship but you want a stable relationship.  Try to be true to yourself and not settle for situations this confusing.

There's nothing new or unusual about wanting intimacy in the context of a committed stable relationship with an emotional connection.

Try not to overcomplicate things with labels when its as simple as hoping for a stable committed loving relationship with intimacy.

Okay I'll set boundaries with them the next time we see each other.

[Kwothe28]

There is no "setting boundaries" there. You like that person. And that person likes to "explore". And as such you are incompatible for a relationship. Hence why you arent in one. And you are basically "friendzoned". You cant be friends with that person because, well, you are not friends. You almost slept together. Cut that person off your life. And focus on finding somebody that will care for you as much as you for them. Because this one clearly wont do that and staying "friends" is just detrimental for you and your growth.

[boltnrun]

This person wants to be "toxic" to the next person they date. Seems like maybe you're trying to be that "next person". Bad idea if there's a chance you'll fall in love with them.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Erin6 said:

Okay I'll set boundaries with them the next time we see each other.

There are no "boundaries" to set. Unfortunately you're uncomfortable in the situation and were from the beginning. This is you settling for something you don't want wishing and hoping for more.

Are you still on the dating app? Why not step back from this situationship and reflect what your needs are in a relationship and be true to yourself.

For example, if you want a stable healthy committed relationship that includes intimacy, then it's better to avoid this person altogether than having a cuddle buddy but being in limbo. 

None of this is unusual or strange or unique or requires special terminology to define.

This is a classic case of incompatibility and unfortunately accepting a situation (FWB, cuddle buddy,etc.) that is confusing to you.

Decide what is right for you and pursue that.

 

[Tinydance]

Well, I didn't really see in your post if you've asked them how they feel about you? Did you ask them what they're looking for with you? I think it's a bit difficult to know what this situation actually is because we don't know what your friend is thinking. 

If your friend just wants sex/FWB then yeah I'd say you're pretty incompatible romantically. Seeing as you only have sexual attraction in a relationship, so obviously FWB wouldn't be suitable for you. You also have feelings for your friend so even if you weren't demisexual, it's not a good idea to do FWB with someone you're emotionally attached to. 

There are also people out there who are actually the opposite of demisexual. You said that to feel sexual, you need to have a deep bond with that person. But there are people who don't need to feel anything or have any kind of connection with people they have sex with. They just feel sexual urges and/or find people physically attractive and they just want to have sex for the sake of sex. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because your friend tried to have sex with you might not necessarily mean they have feelings for you.