How can I stop self-sabotaging my relationship?

[Qunni]

My partner [30/m] and I [26/f] decide to keep any conflicts we have between the two of us to sort out together. We have strong communication skills (for the most part), we make it a point to never go to sleep angry, and we both try to hear each other out as patiently and as earnestly as we can. Our relationship is strong, and we both contribute so much to each other that it almost feels like I'm truly trying to nitpick this relationship to find an issue. This is a topic that continually returns to the forefront in our relationship and is something I think we both want advice on.

To backtrack, a couple of years ago, early into our relationship, he came to me and told me that he gave another woman from Instagram his number and that they were texting each other. That it didn't go further than texts and that he then thought of me when it got too close to that boundary and in turn blocked her everywhere and came to tell me. It was a blow to me, and I felt hurt and upset. He really pressed on the fact that he didn't carry anything further, that he thought of how important I am to him. I trust him in the sense that he would never tell me a lie; so with this information, I believe him that it didn't go anywhere. But let's call that the seed that was still planted in me that I just couldn't drop. I found myself spiraling, second-guessing, and the concept of him watching porn--that which I had never minded before, turned into a feeling of jealousy and insecurity. I would constantly make self-deprecating jokes to him like "don't cheat on me" or I would get hurt when he would decline intimacy with me in order to pleasure himself. Rationally, I know that it is his body, and choice to make, so I never brought it to him and made it into an argument; but it always stung and sat with me more than it should have. Over the course of our relationship, I have just become so aware of how often it occurs and this is where I feel like I'm overreacting and overstepping.

My partner has a porn addiction. He watches it in any free time available, whether he's masturbating or not. He scrolls through websites just to see 'what's new', and will spend hours at a time on that scrolling if he's able to. He will even briefly check websites in public and has admitted to checking it at work as well. It eats into his time to get activities and errands done to the point that he's up late trying to finish them. It also affects our sex life. In the beginning, he would need to watch it to get started with me, and would watch it during while ignoring me entirely. There's almost never any foreplay for me; we just get right to it. It had gotten to a point where I almost felt ignored, and that it was more about his pleasure than mine. We did communicate about this, and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't point out the efforts he's made through that discussion, because he has made a lot of effort. He heard me open-heartedly, and he has now made a point to ask if it's okay to watch things during certain activities, and has started to incorporate foreplay. In that regard, I have no complaints and appreciate that he's made these efforts. But when it comes to porn, when I try to talk to him about how often he may be spending time looking through websites while not even planning to do anything, he gets incredibly defensive and believes I'm telling him he shouldn't explore his body at all which definitely isn't something I would try to tell him. I am all for masturbation, I'm all for using content as well. I do it myself, and it would not only be restricting but hypocritical of me. I just have a concern about how it's affecting him, and ultimately, us, and I want to bring it to his attention. It is always been taken sorely and has become the only problem that we can't solve on our own. He takes it as an attack and shuts down immediately.

Around March, I was using his laptop for school. I went to go type in a website, and 'Backpages' popped up in the search. The search was made on my birthday and again a week after that. I couldn't help myself from then on and took to looking through his history. Looked through Backpages ads for escorts in his area and it sent me reeling. Pictures and rates. I felt sick and I didn't know how to bring it to him because if I didn't violate his privacy in the first place I wouldn't even know he looked for escorts. But I also couldn't pretend like I didn't see it. So when he came home, I brought it to him, sat him down, and told him what I saw, and it was a calm conversation. No one grew defensive and I felt heard. I knew that if I brought it to him any other way, it could have been taken wrong. I let him explain without judgment. He promised that he was just looking, that he was curious about what it was, and that he didn't pay for anything like that and never would because he has me. And I did and still do genuinely believe him that he didn't buy a service. However, the fact that it was even a thought really upset me, and it upset me more that it was a search that was made on my birthday and again after that. I am hurt because it was clearly a curiosity he had more than once.

The paranoia, the worry, and the "don't cheat on me" jokes were becoming an every-week thing before he went off to work. The worry about what he was doing during his free time in his hotels increased, and I started to become very difficult to chat with because it was all I could think about. I would ask him what-ifs. Eventually, it would come to a head when he would ask me to 'stop bringing up cheating'. I exploded and told him that he was 'not doing a fantastic job with reassuring me that he wouldn't, given his actions,' I said 'what if you think about me too late and she's already left your hotel?' and he in return asked 'why I kept bringing Backpages up.' I told him ' I will never bring it up again, and that we can just forget it ever happened.' He then told me that holding everything in that wouldn't solve anything, but I stood by that. I stood by that because I felt like there was no other way to fix this feeling if he didn't see it as a problem.

Now, I haven't made a single reference back to cheating. I haven't made jokes, I have hardly even thought about it. It actually has helped, a little. I stopped being as paranoid and worried, and it really all went to the back burner which has allowed us to carry on easily and spend a lot of quality time together. My partner travels for work and is home during the weekends, so I had asked him if he was okay not 'using Jill' during the weekend so that we could both look forward to enjoying each other passionately and energetically. He did agree, but this past weekend he told me that he just had a lot of free time and did it already. That we could still do it, but I'd have to get him started. When he uses Jill, anything sexual after that is almost like a chore and it's 'up to me' to get him going again and he's just not into it once he's already had a release that day. It feels like he's just trying to appease me rather than genuinely be into doing it with me. In general, he's told me that never thinks of me sexually while masturbating. We've never shared photos, never sexted, never expressed a want for each other, and all of these things have always made me wonder if he's just settled and if he even views me sexually at all. I just got so upset this weekend, and I tried to have another chat with him about porn and how I feel, and it had turned into the inevitable 'you just want me to never do it' defense. I just stood up, left, and went out to take a walk from feeling so frustrated.

Our relationship is one that I cherish so much. As soon as we argue over this, the regret hits hard. Because every aspect of him and our relationship is incredible. He is caring, my cheerleader and protector, he makes sure I've eaten and would pull the moon to me if it were possible. We root for each other and stand by each other. I don't question his love for me. He denies the option of splitting and fights to solve our struggles rather than let them consume us. This is a struggle that appears, disappears, and appears again because we have never been able to understand one another and come to terms on the subject. I just have to know if this is a random issue that I am grabbing at to turn into a problem. How can I go about getting this situation solved in the least emotionally explosive way possible or what can I do to stop self-sabotaging something that otherwise means so much to me?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Qunni said:

ads for escorts in his area .  he  he didn't pay for anything like that and never would because he has me. The paranoia, the worry, and the "don't cheat on me" jokes were becoming an every-week thing before he went off to work. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Do both of you work? Do both of you participate equally with financial and household responsibilities? Why is he away this much and in hotels? 

You're not "self-sabotaging" the relationship. You're experiencing "cognitive dissonance" (google it) by trying to make the unacceptable acceptable.

He is sabotaging the relationship with his bad habits and disrespect. You're simply trying to deny the impact of this by trying to rationalize it. 

He's bamboozling and manipulating you with guilt trips. To shut you down so he can justify prowling around behind your back. You need to get him off the pedestal and listen to your instincts. There's no need to applaud him for "exploring his body". 

See a qualified therapist to help you unpack and sort things out and for ongoing support. You'll need objective professional advice to help you stop rationalizing his bad behavior and to get out of the fog of his gaslighting.

Your concerns about his proclivities is not "paranoia". It's a slap in the face that he tells you he doesn't have to pay for it because he has you. Think about how twisted that remark is.  In addition to shutting you out emotionally and as far as intimacy. His lip service is not a "communication skill". Step way back and reassess things.

[1a1a]

He’s prioritising his own gratification over building and maintaining emotional and physical intimacy with you, his partner. 
 

Ask yourself, if nothing changes, how long would you stay in this relationship  that’s loving but sexless? 
 

If you tell your fellow it’s really important to you to desire and be desired by your partner and when he tells you ‘I already satisfied myself today you’ll have to get me going’ that couldn’t be further away from a state of mutual desire, this is a problem. Is he willing to try and rekindle his desire to save the relationship? what does he say? 

[Kwothe28]

You do know that porn addiction is just as real as any other addiction? Just because its less talked about then others and that we dont see wider consequences of it(like for example with alcohol or drugs), doesnt mean its less real. I am asking because you are aware that he has a porn addiction. And yet you still blame yourself. Its not your fault that your partner is obsessed with porn. Its his. And ias a result of that, it creates a problem for you two. He gets caught in a fantasy, you cant satisfy him later and it creates an issue. Where he even seeks "outside help" like escorts(he at least had a thought about it, that is enough to see what kind of a problem his addiction creates) and where you think that you are the issue. Because he cant "get off" on you and you are feeling like a "nagging wife" for pointing out his problem.

No, you are not the problem there. He is and he should seek help for his addiction. Until he does and treats his addiction, you would have the same problems you have now. Or even worst if he decides to cross the line and actually tries his fantasies and actually cheats.

[Jaunty]

Your relationship is wrecked until  / unless he deals with his porn addiction.  

[redswim30]

You are not self-sabotaging, OP.  You have a very big relationship problem. 

Your BF is addicted to porn.   

He either admits he has an issue and works on it or he doesn't and you break up. 

He's proven that he can't be trusted with this.   This won't go away by you nagging or even having civil conversation.  If he's in denial that he even has a problem, then I'm sorry to say that your choices are either live with it or leave. 

It's really up to you to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you or not.  

[reinventmyself]

You are not self sabotaging.  You are lying to yourself and making this about you.  Because if you were to admit to yourself that your boyfriend has an addiction and is not trustworthy, you'd have to make the difficult decision to leave him.   It's never easy to end a relationship but often necessary.

Short story . .coworker. . same scenario.  Met on line.  Got pregnant fairly early on and decided to marry. She discovers just about everything you just shared.  Things just progressed to the point where she had her cousin follow her now new husband, soon to be father, to a motel where he met an escort. 

At some point during this nightmare of a year she discovers she has an incurable std, has to have a portion of her cervix removed while in her later stage of her now high risk pregnancy.  They are in couples counseling, individual counseling, meetings with the priest and he's ultimately in addiction recovery. 

They divorce, he gets 50% custody and basically his sisters raise the boy.  Coworker has a serious bout of depression, misses work and ultimately was terminated. 

Don't be her

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter if you both can "talk" about things, etc, that doesn't your relationship is great or make any better. He's still being a $#@%& BF. I agree with the others you don't know the difference between self sabotage and being in a bad relationship. Stop being in denial. Why should you sacrifice your happiness, your sanity, your comfort for this clown. He is the one that makes you insecure and upset, not you. Any of us would feel the same if we were in your situation....and I would describe it as horrible. Your reaction is because of his behaviours....he is the problem. Fix it? I would say you would be better of not taking that chance and stop being a doormat and leave.

[Andrina]

No matter which addiction a person has, it will always take priority over any human. It's very sad that porn, to him, is more important than you. I don't know if having children with this man is something you envision for the future, but if so, you should anticipate how he's holding your infant with porn playing in full view because he says, "He's just a baby. I won't do this when he's older..." And also envision his boss catching him, firing him, and your man can't list that job as a reference, as who will hire someone who watches porn at work?

He might've had this addiction for a decade or more. This would likely take years of therapy and intensive work to mentally get to a good place. But the fact is, if he wanted to attend therapy, he'd already have started.

If it were me, I'd tell him, "This relationship isn't working for me. If you ever choose to seek therapy and have healed in that area, feel free to contact me and if I'm single, we can meet to talk."

His behavior sickens me just reading about him. I don't even know how you stand 1 second with him. You're worthy of normalcy and being treated far better. Good luck.

[Jaunty]

Just to clear up a question you might bring up:   I don't think, and many others here are on the same page as I am about this, that looking at porn is "bad" per se.

It's the whole addiction piece that is standing precisely in the way of your relationship.

His sexuality is wrapped up with his porn use, and not with you.

There is nothing for you here unless he actually identifies this as a huge problem and takes the necessary steps, with strong commitment, to put his relationship with you in front of his porn use.  

A porn addict will probably not be able to use porn in an appropriate way in his lifetime.  Just as most alcoholics won't learn how to drink "normally" and drug addicts won't go back to some fun recreational drug use again.  

[Big Stan]

This man cannot use porn in a healthy and responsible way. The whole "I need to watch to get me started" bit means he is straight up addicted to porn.  Once you've reached that point you have porn dependence.  That's the same as the alcoholic who wakes up and cracks a beer.  They don't do it to get drunk they do it to feel normal.  

That's where this guy is with porn use, it's not an enhancement for him.  It is what he needs to be sexual at all.  I look at porn sometimes too, but I get aroused a lot easier by my wife than I do by porn.  I couldn't fathom needing to watch porn in order to get started with any woman because actual sex is still much better than pornography.  This man has a serious problem and you will never be happy with him unless he gets help.  

Just like with any other addict though, he cannot be helped until he wants to be.  You cannot guilt him or force him into rehab and with his work schedule traveling and being alone so often the chances of him stopping this porn behavior when he's alone in his hotel room are between zero and none.  I just hope he hasn't taken it further and cheated with prostitutes.  I would dump him and get tested for STDs.