Am I too anxious?

[misses]

 Hello! 

I am not sure if I am being too sensitive or too worried.

I am dating a guy and we went on 5 dates so far. On the last I met the best friend of my ex by accident I would say. My date went a long with him really well and they exchanged numbers and so on.

My date and I want to hang out this weekend and he asked me what this friend is up to and he would like to meet him again, “such a good vibe”. I only said I don’t what he is up too.

I always got along with the best friend of my ex and it was fun to see him again. My ex and I broke up not on good terms because of another girl. Most of our friends then choose his side. 

My current date is the first one I am seeing after the break up 9 months ago. I told him the story briefly but not about me loosing most of my friends.

I am now anxious and I don’t know exactly why. I feel helpless about it although it is stupid. I am still looking forward to see this guy but now also wondering if he will start hanging out with my former friends and maybe also choose their side and I end up alone again.

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, misses said:

 he asked me what this friend is up to and he would like to meet him again, “such a good vibe”. I only said I don’t what he is up too.

How is the dating going overall? It's ok to run into friends and exes however this guy asking to hang out with your ex's friends is quite strange. Sidestep that idea and continue dating one-on-one.

Make sure your ex and all his people are deleted and blocked from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Try to sort through your breakup a bit. Even though this guy knows some preliminary details, keep the focus on the current situation.

How long were you with this ex? Try to make your own new friends and don't worry about friends "taking  sides" after a breakup. 

[misses]

It was good so far. However, I felt like he tried to push me to come to his place after the last date. I am interested but after meeting the old friend I didn’t feel like this. 

I haven’t unfollowed my ex so far but I am also not active on the account. I think I never blocked my exes only hide my stories when I was still active. 😕

The new guy exchanged numbers with his best friend. We were only talking together for 30 minutes, I was a bit surprised but I don’t think this should be my business.

It triggered me to meet this old friend and I am trying my best not to feel too anxious. 

[Kwothe28]

I think you worry too much. And you cant prevent nobody to hang out if they want. Focus on the relationship and where it is going, dont make an issue out of this.

[misses]

I feel very insecure at the moment. I guess I need some practice in dating.

He was dating a former friend but this wasn’t going anywhere (as he says) and wants to remain friends with her. 
I pictured both of them hanging out together with my ex and my old friends. 

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here,  I actually feel for you because I too would feel anxious as well.  Whenever there's co-mingling involved with mutual people in our midst,  I don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable.  However, you and I don't have control over what other people do.  You can't tell other people what to do nor force them to disassociate with each other. 

In an ideal world,  everyone "would know their place" for consideration's sake but no one plays by the human decency / common courtesy rules or so I've noticed nowadays.  It's a free for all and if mutual people in your life prefer to circumnavigate you,  they will.  It does feel insulting.  I hear you.  I have this same problem in my life, too so I understand exactly how you feel.  At this point,  all you can do is to let it go and make peace with it since there's nothing you can do about it anyway.  

The problem I would fear is what could be said behind your back when two people whom you know could very well blurt out or share information you don't wish to reveal.  It's an invasion of your privacy.  Your life with your ex is now an open book between your ex's best friend and your date.  In your case, since this friend is your ex's best friend,  he could very well mention private / personal information to the guy whom you're dating.  This in turn,  could have the possibility of your date judging you unfavorably which is a dicey situation for you.  Have a wait and see attitude.  Like you,  I'm uncomfortable with the "friendlies" between mutual people in our lives ~ especially after breaking up and / or estrangement. 

Hopefully, the two men will have an unspoken honor code and consider any conversation about you to be off limits or only speak of you in positive light.  These scenarios are what you hope and pray for. 🙏  In an optimal world,  these dynamics will be in your favor.  As for me,  since I've been around the block a few times in this thing called life,  I don't always give others my 100% trust but that's just me because I know what human weakness,  flaws and defects are.  There are times when some type of unfavorable information will be blurted out or information you didn't wish to disclose.  What can you do once it had been blurted out?  Nothing.  😒Therefore,  there's a risk which is beyond your control.  It comes with the territory when there are mutual people co-mingling in your midst. 

I'm different than others.  I don't play that game.  If I know certain circles are of sensitive nature,  I'm deliberately very careful and loyal to certain people in my life.  Whether known or in a sneaky manner,  I never bypass mutual people in my life especially if two people had a falling out and / or currently estranged.  I'm respectful of whomever I'm loyal and devoted to but it's because I'm empathetic and I've experienced firsthand what an affront feels like.  I don't do that to people.  I walk a fine line and I don't cross that line either.  I don't play both sides of the fence out of respect for those whom I'm closest,  most loyal and devoted to. 

As for you,  since you're just in the dating phase,  wait and see how this plays out.  It's not as if he's your boyfriend yet so it's nothing serious.  There is no commitment.  If this date isn't "Mr. Wonderful,"  in the long term,  perhaps it's better to be with a guy who doesn't co-mingle with the same person or people in your life ~ especially a best friend of your ex's.  It's something to consider. 

[reinventmyself]

I think what you are feeling is normal.  Running into this friend no doubt stirs up some past hurts.

But what can you do about all of this?   Nothing.  You take a deep breath, let it play out and have some confidence in yourself that you are a good person, and your character will speak for itself.   If he shy's away for whatever reason, then he's just not the guy for you.  It will say a lot about him.

Head high.   Believe in yourself and believe you deserve the best.  The rest can step aside.

[misses]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'll go against the grain here,  I actually feel for you because I too would feel anxious as well.  Whenever there's co-mingling involved with mutual people in our midst,  I don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable.  However, you and I don't have control over what other people do.  You can't tell other people what to do nor force them to disassociate with each other. 

The problem I would fear is what could be said behind your back when two people whom you know could very well blurt out or share information you don't wish to reveal.  It's an invasion of your privacy.  Your life with your ex is now an open book between your ex's best friend and your date.  In your case, since this friend is your ex's best friend,  he could very well mention private / personal information to the guy whom you're dating.  This in turn,  could have the possibility of your date judging you unfavorably which is a dicey situation for you.  Have a wait and see attitude.  Like you,  I'm uncomfortable with the "friendlies" between mutual people in our lives ~ especially after breaking up and / or estrangement. 

 

 

Thank you so much! That’s what I am concerned of! Especially because this group of friends decided to stay friends with my ex and his new girl. I can understand it’s more fun to spend time with a happy couple than with the other woman who was left behind. 
 

I was wondering why he is so up to spend time with this guy. Doesn’t he has other friends? I know he does. Maybe he is not thinking much about it or maybe he wants to gain some information.

but you are right I can’t do anything about it. It may be good to be a bit more cautious sharing private information then. If he is up to spend time with this guy and we don’t end up as a couple I don’t want my ex or my former friends to have too much information about my life.

[misses]

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I think what you are feeling is normal.  Running into this friend no doubt stirs up some past hurts.

But what can you do about all of this?   Nothing.  You take a deep breath, let it play out and have some confidence in yourself that you are a good person, and your character will speak for itself.   If he shy's away for whatever reason, then he's just not the guy for you.  It will say a lot about him.

Head high.   Believe in yourself and believe you deserve the best.  The rest can step aside.

To me it feels like I lack confidence in dating at the moment. When I met my ex I was enjoying dating and flirting. 😕

 

This is a good example for not sharing too much sensitive information about your past love life, especially in the beginning. You never know how people are connected to each other.

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, misses said:

Thank you so much! That’s what I am concerned of! Especially because this group of friends decided to stay friends with my ex and his new girl. I can understand it’s more fun to spend time with a happy couple than with the other woman who was left behind. 
 

I was wondering why he is so up to spend time with this guy. Doesn’t he has other friends? I know he does. Maybe he is not thinking much about it or maybe he wants to gain some information.

but you are right I can’t do anything about it. It may be good to be a bit more cautious sharing private information then. If he is up to spend time with this guy and we don’t end up as a couple I don’t want my ex or my former friends to have too much information about my life.

You're quite welcome,  @misses!   Unfortunately,  you were left behind and the party continues without you.  I'm sorry.  I know it doesn't feel good.  I've been in your shoes, too so I know exactly how you feel about this.

I too would question your date's character because he wants to spend so much time with your ex's best friend which is weird.  I agree,  you would think he should have other friends.  If he's not thinking much,  it's alarming because he should think much out of consideration and respect for you and to be honorable himself.  If he wants to gain some information about you and your past relationship with your ex,  again,  you should doubt his questionable character.  Something about your date doesn't add up nor ring true.  You have every right to be suspicious and if he's "innocent and clueless,"  then,  that too, is alarming because obviously he should exercise discretion,  discernment and common sense.   Generally,  people don't do the "friendlies" with co-mingling if they're dating you AND just so happens to be friends with your ex's best friend.  It is indeed very odd behavior which you shouldn't ignore. 

Yes,  we can both agree that you can't do anything about it.  You can't go around commanding people whom to avoid associating with.  It's not within your control.  No one wants to be told what to do.  However,  having said that,  you would hope that people in your life would act accordingly by deliberately respecting you and how you feel.  I absolutely DESPISE those who circumnavigate me as if I don't matter and as if I don't have feelings.  I'm currently experiencing the exact same sentiment (slightly different story than yours) and I don't like it.  I've made peace with it but it doesn't mean I have to like it. 

All you can do is hold your own and play your cards smart. 

I agree with you.  It's best for you to tread lightly.  Don't reveal your life nor your relationship with your ex to your date and for that matter,  it's better to err on the side of caution and never share this information with a date,  future boyfriend,  spouse,  etc.  It's best to let the past remain in the past as opposed to dredging up past personal / private relationship information with your current relationship or marriage.  No sense going that route as it serves no purpose except hurt or make your partner uncomfortable and uneasy.  Keep moving forward and onward. 

[catfeeder]

I’d gray rock this. I’d leave it alone, and if new BF raises the guy, I’d be honest without being heavy—or helpful.

I’d say, “You can pursue him if you’d like, but he makes me uncomfortable because he’s a friend of my ex.” 

And that’s it. No confiding, no confessions, no drama.

The more charged up you are about the guy, the more interesting he becomes. If new BF is all that determined to make friends with the guy, let him do the heavy lifting to make that happen. Chances are, he won’t step up for that.

Meanwhile, don’t forget that you’re still evaluating new guy. You might find things you don’t like about him anyway. And if that’s not the case, you might just consider that you lost all of ex’s people already, so what’s left to lose from this?

[Andrina]

On 5/11/2023 at 8:22 AM, misses said:

I feel very insecure at the moment. I guess I need some practice in dating.

He was dating a former friend but this wasn’t going anywhere (as he says) and wants to remain friends with her. 
I pictured both of them hanging out together with my ex and my old friends. 

Know what your relationship boundaries are. Are you okay with dating a person who stays in contact with and hangs out with an ex?

To me, even as they were once friends, once the line's been crossed, there's a whole different dynamic.

Some people are okay with their partners being buddies with an ex. Some are not. Pick whichever according to your comfort levels. There is no right or wrong in general, but there is one right answer for yourself. Don't sacrifice your own well-being by being the "cool" girlfriend if something doesn't sit right with you. That's the point of dating. To find who matches you in all the major ways, including relationship boundaries.

As for the other issue, if he started becoming closer to your ex's friend, let him know that you want to stay clear of your past, and that you won't be involved in their get-togethers. Why go back into a world where those people didn't make an effort with you after the break up? But if it doesn't work out between you two, it means fate has someone better in store for you, so who cares a flying flip what he does if he ends up in your rearview mirror?