Girl I Like slept with best friend

[AllWithinMyHands]

Will Keep it brief but a lot happened.

Me and my best friend both liked the same girl, and one month ago she had to leave her home due to being beat by her parents. I advised her to go to my best friend's house, as his mum has a job with social services. It was the best place for her to go in my mind. She stayed there for a week and a half, and I recently found out during that time they had sex, apparently prompted by my best friend. She said she was in a really bad place and wanted to relieve some stress.

This wouldn't have bothered me, if it wasn't for the fact that she kissed me just a few days after they had sex. It makes me feel guilty, as even though i didn't know about it at the time, it still makes me feel like i went behind my friends back. Now she says that the sex was a mistake and she feels sorry about it, saying that she wants a relationship with me instead of him. I still like her and since i found this out we have gotten further into the relationship, but i am wondering if this is a mistake and if i shouldn't have overlooked it so easily. According to her sex was just a stupid one off thing, and it was initiated by my best friend, not by her, but I don't completely trust her word anymore. I'm worried it was more than just meaningless sex, but rather an actual built up relationship. Is it wrong  or stupid for me to continue to pursue a relationship with her? She still seems to like me a lot but i just don't know if she is faithful after this.

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

According to her sex was just a stupid one off thing, and it was initiated by my best friend, not by her

She can claim whatever she wants, unless he had no consent, she was still a willing participant in consexual sex. She even looked at it as "stress relief".

Its a complicated one. You werent with her in any capacity so she didnt do anything morally wrong. But you are well within your rights to just refuse to be with somebody with such poor boundaries that she slept with your best friend and then kissed you few days after. I would suggest exercising those rights. And changing best friend especially if he knew you liked the girl.

[greendots]

From what you are telling us, it seems her household is a bit dysfunctional – her parents beat her.

What I'm getting at – you normalise behaviours, that are not okay, due to your experiences and how you were raised. So she may have normalised unhealthy boundaries; like hooking up with your crush's best friend and, then, kissing your crush days after.

How about talking to her casually on what both of you think is/isn't acceptable in a relationship? Get to know her gradually on a deeper level, see if your values are compatible.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

 one month ago she had to leave her home due to being beat by her parents. I advised her to go to my best friend's house, as his mum has a job with social services. It was the best place for her to go in my mind. 

It's good you helped her out if she was fleeing an abusive household. How old is she? Is she over 18? She is going to need a lot of help from social services to find safe housing and appropriate resources. She's not in position to date anyone.

It would be best for neither of you to try to date or have sex with her at this time. She's supposed to be there to get help from the friends mother with social services. 

[MissCanuck]

Before I comment, how old are all of you, OP?

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

I'm worried it was more than just meaningless sex, but rather an actual built up relationship. Is it wrong  or stupid for me to continue to pursue a relationship with her? She still seems to like me a lot but i just don't know if she is faithful after this.

I gather you're all still young enough to be living at home.

I suggest you do not persue anything with her, better to just give her time & space. 

She may be so overwhelmed & confused at this time being abused by her parents & trying to flee the home.  She is far from settled 😕 .  IMO, a relationship is the last thing she needs.  And yeah, she most likely gave in to your friend, as she is 'in need' of feeling worthy and needed right now in her life.

I get it, you fancy her but I'm sure your mentality is much more stable than hers.  She most likely needs some mental health support (therapy), for a good while and some stability in her life..  And if you do end up dating, you'll most likely come to see this, thru your involvement with her. eg, she may pull away when bothered, offended etc.  She may BU and say she can't do it = pain for you 😕 . etc.

Just tread carefully here and think on this idea.

[AllWithinMyHands]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Before I comment, how old are all of you, OP?

I turn 18 in August.

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, a relationship is the last thing she needs. 

I agree with this, and she says that she isn't ready for a relationship yet, but says that when she is she would want to be with me in the near future.

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you helped her out if she was fleeing an abusive household. How old is she? Is she over 18? She is going to need a lot of help from social services to find safe housing and appropriate resources. She's not in position to date anyone.

It would be best for neither of you to try to date or have sex with her at this time. She's supposed to be there to get help from the friends mother with social services. 

I forgot to mention that she left my mate's house about a couple of weeks ago, and is now (somewhat) happily living at home, saying she actually prefers it at her own home than at my friends house. Social services ended up doing very little to help her. But i completely agree and think that it was very inappropriate for him to try to pursue her when she was in that situation, it almost seemed like borderline taking advantage to me. I stopped trying to date her when this happened and instead just focused on supporting her, but she seemed to keep trying to take things further with me despite her situation. Either way I don't want to pursue her unless she says she is ready, and even then I am unsure.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

I turn 18 in August.

  Either way I don't want to pursue her unless she says she is ready, and even then I am unsure.

Yes it's best for everyone if you refrain from trying to date her or having sex.

Especially if she is under 18. If she is being beaten at home this is a case for child protective services.

If you want to be a good friend, help her get help. Your friend shouldn't be trying to get with her either. Please do not get involved romantically. She is too vulnerable right now.

[SooSad33]

Yes, a sad situation.  I guess just be there for her kinda thing, for now.

I do hope she's got some actual 'good friends' to hang with & she can rely on?  That'd be best at this time, not a guy who wants to get fully involved, lol. ( that can add some pressure on her - which she doesn't need at this time).

Can also cause an issue, should you find yourself uneasy or confused over things. eg. is she sending signals of interest.. or just wanting to talk, etc. But, if you two are able to keep things respectful and just manage to 'talk' about things, with no expectations, that's fine.

I guess it's good if she's out of your friends place now, but sadly, having to return home can again cause issue's for her 😕 .  No friends of her own she can go to stay?

Again, I do hope she can get into therapy to work thru her issue's and get out of there soon.

[Cherylyn]

Her character is weak.  I never trust anyone with a weak character because there's a strong chance that the future with said person is awfully risky and dicey.  You'll never have reassurance that life will be smooth with people who possess a weak character.  They're really flawed and defective to the point of distrusting them completely.  It's been my experience anyway. 

[Andrina]

You did what you thought was best, but even though your friend's mother works with social services, even she doesn't make the best decisions, since she failed to prevent something like that going on in her home. 

The girl has chosen to go home and she knows she can call 911 and was probably given numbers  and info from social services.

If I were you, since you're crossed the line past friendship, an ongoing friendship will not be in your best interest when you start dating other girls, and they find out you remain in contact with this girl, and how you two almost started dating.

It doesn't sound like you know her that well. It's probably in her best interest to seek out female friendships, or platonic friendships with guys whereas they each have absolutely no romantic chemistry.

It's okay to not get emotionally involved with someone, even if they are struggling. She likely won't be ready to date in a healthy way for a very long time, if ever, depending. Don't tie yourself to someone who has already shown you she blows every which way the wind takes her. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

I turn 18 in August.

Ok. As I imagined, you are all still very young. 

9 hours ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

she says that she isn't ready for a relationship yet, but says that when she is she would want to be with me in the near future.

Please don't hold your breath for this. This young lady is going through a lot and likely won't become your girlfriend. You all have a lot of growing and learning to do, but take it from us oldies - this isn't what the beginning of a real relationship looks like. She is not making great choices and is trying to gently let you down, albeit in a misguided way by making some vague promise for the future. 

Time to move on from her. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

 She stayed there for a week and a half, and I recently found out during that time they had sex, apparently prompted by my best friend. 

Try to step back from both of them. Unfortunately she's in a tough situation and not ready to date.  Your friend was sleazy to take advantage of the situation. 

[Jibralta]

20 hours ago, AllWithinMyHands said:

I'm worried it was more than just meaningless sex, but rather an actual built up relationship. Is it wrong  or stupid for me to continue to pursue a relationship with her? She still seems to like me a lot but i just don't know if she is faithful after this.

Your concern is valid. It's a messy situation and I'm sure it's foolish to pursue it. But you are young and you need to learn from your own mistakes.

[Jay144]

It does look like you ain't really "best friends", otherwise, both of you would have sought out who gets to shoot at the girl since you both like her. 

On the lady's side, I think she's loose..and even though she claims to like you, she could make similar mistakes with someone else later on in the relationship... (Especially when she's stressed). 🌝🙃

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Jay144 said:

On the lady's side, I think she's loose..and even though she claims to like you, she could make similar mistakes with someone else later on in the relationship... (Especially when she's stressed).

Or perhaps instead of disparaging this woman perhaps her parents have "loose" tempers and she is acting out after being traumatized by abuse and needs professional help from caring and competent adults. 

[smackie9]

She's in a bad place, and I feel so sorry for her. Mentally the only thing that would do her good is you being a good supportive friend to her. Having a relationship will not help her at this time. I really hope she gets lot of counseling, and can live in a healthier environment. I get it your friend is young dumb and full of you know what, but he took advantage of her. Even tho she was willing, she was in a weakened state. That's not fair to give her guff about it. Sometimes you have to put your desires aside and take a look at the bigger picture. This girl is in desperate need of help. She's lonely, scared, and scarred from the abuse. Please have some empathy and learn to look out for others in need. 

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Or perhaps instead of disparaging this woman perhaps her parents have "loose" tempers and she is acting out after being traumatized by abuse and needs professional help from caring and competent adults. 

I agree completely. 

We're also talking about very young people here, and the girl in question might still be a minor herself. I think it's best for the adults here to avoid judging kids as if they were fully-grown, mature individuals. They aren't. 

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I agree completely. 

We're also talking about very young people here, and the girl in question might still be a minor herself. I think it's best for the adults here to avoid judging kids as if they were fully-grown, mature individuals. They aren't. 

100%

Calling her "loose" or saying she has "weak character" is unfair when we're talking about a 17 year old child who's being abused at home.

OP, you seem like a decent young man. Please don't attempt to pursue her romantically or worse, try to sleep with her while she's going through all this turmoil.

I hope she's able to get help for her situation. 

[catfeeder]

If your friend is such a concern, then what was his response when you asked him where he stands with her?