Should I (f30) stay in a long distance relationship with someone (m31) who doesn’t know when he’s coming home?

[batjokes92]

I’ve had a crush on this guy since January 2022 when I first met him but every time I tried to set up a get together with him during the time of Jan-July he either didn’t respond or made an excuse like his phone died (this happened once when I showed up to an event he invited me to. I searched for him but couldn’t find him, the next day I asked what happened and he said his phone died, I guess maybe this should have been a red flag for me but I didn't take it seriously at the time) we only humbug out about 3 times between the months of Jan-July. In August he suddenly began to show interest and asked me to go out with him. He invited me out to a rave party and he told me that he loved me I was kind of shocked but I told him I loved him too. We spent the entire next day together and were talking back and forth for about a week or two. He kissed me on our first official date and I felt so happy like I was in heaven! He texted me that night and made a promise that we would have many more adventures together, but then.. the very next day he texted me saying that he finally got a call from a job he applied for. He was accepted for a job out in Alberta and he needed to leave in 2 weeks but he wanted to know if I’d be interested in a long distance relationship. I agreed and told him yes we should try it out. Looking back on this now I think I jumped in too quickly and I regret making this decision.

We spent time together for 2 weeks before he left. Since then he’s been working for 4 weeks and comes back home 1 week a month to see his 10 year old son. It’s been 8 months now and he has no plans on coming back to stay he says he wants to buy land in Alberta and stay working out there making money for as long as he can. (He’s moved out to Alberta for work because he says he can’t make enough money working here, he still lives with his mom when he’s here and he says he needs to make enough money to buy his own place) 

When we first began our relationship he told me that he had worked in Alberta before but he only lasted 3 months and he told me that this would not be forever and that he’d move back home once work is done to be with his son. 

He keeps changing his mind on how long he’s going to stay out there, sometimes he says he doesn’t like the work so it will only be a couple more months than other times he says he really needs the money so he will be working there for years. 

It’s really depressing me, I cry almost every day because all I want is a partner who is here for me. I have no interest in other guys now and I fear that if I let go of this guy then I’ll never find a partner. I am 30 years old and I want to start a family but I can’t seem to find any man who wants the same. Deep down I feel like I’m wasting my time with him because I’ve noticed sure we have things in common but his priorities do not match mine and honestly the more I get to know him the more irresponsible he appears to me. He’s been working out there since September and he says he has almost spent all the money he made already! (He’s spending money on $1000 gemstones and crystals) and it’s causing me to resent him and it’s very hard for me to hide my resentment when he’s here visiting me. 

Back around Christmas time he texted me saying that he won’t be home for Christmas so I decided to end the relationship at that moment I told him that long distance relationships are not healthy for me but he insisted that he loved me and that he wanted to make this work. I’ve tried to end it with him again in March but right after I tried to end things he offered me a free plane ticket to come out to see him. I said ok let’s make this happen but when I tried to make solid plans with him to go out there he would stop responding, I could tell that he didn’t really want me to go out there to meet him and I don’t know why.. he didn’t even come home that month! He stayed out there for 2 months instead of coming home! When I ask him why he did that he just smiles and says something stupid like “no reason, it just happened.”

This distance is hurting me and he knows it. I cry everyday when alone and wondering what to do. He says he loves me but he ignores my feelings says nothing is wrong and that I just need to be patient. He gets annoyed at me when I tell him how much it hurts and says that I should focus on the positives. I tell him I feel extremely lonely and misunderstood and he gets angry and says there’s nothing he can do. he says he doesn’t understand why I’m hurting. I thought I might mention that I don’t have a lot of relationship experience I’ve only been in one long term relationship before this. I’ve dated a lot of guys in the past but none of them wanted commitment. I’m afraid to leave this guy because it’s the first time in a long time someone actually wants to commit to me. He says he’s had a lot of relationship experience so this distance doesn’t really bother him and he’s fine with the way things are going.. I don’t want to waste time when he can barely even find the time to see me. What should I do? Is there any hope for us to remain friends after a break up like this?

I’ll add a quick update, I tried to have a serious talk with him about it a few days ago over the phone. I asked him “be honest with me. Would you want me to move to Alberta and live with you?” There was a long pause so I said “is that a no then?” He replied “it would be kinda cool” I said “only kinda?” Then he said “no, it would be great”. Should I take that as a no? I’m trying to get get to the bottom of this and get him to be honest with me and tell me the truth about what he wants but I sense hesitation in him. I don’t know if it’s due to his own insecurities or if he’s just not that into me. It’s frustrating I don’t know what to do anymore. One of his friends I’ve met recently told me that “he gets in his own way” and that’s just the way he is.. I wonder what he means by that.

[Kwothe28]

43 minutes ago, batjokes92 said:

He’s spending money on $1000 gemstones and crystals

Wut? What does he needs crystals for? Does he plans to open up a spiritual shop in California? 🤣

Anyway, you say you will never find a man who wants the same but seems to me that this man doesnt want the same either. There is no "we" in his talk, only "I". "He" plans to move to Alberta, Canada and stay there. You are not in his plans unless you threaten to leave, then he remembers you exist. 

You are wasting your precious time there. Time that you could have used to find somebody that you actually could see and who would want the same stuff as yourself. For example I am guessing that he has a 10 year old kid and you dont. But that you would maybe want children. Would he even want kids with you and what are the plans to work on that? Its non existant as any of his long term plans that would include you. 

Relationship needs to move forward in some way. His idea of the relationship is for you to just be there for him when he comes home. If he ever decides to move to Alberta for good, you would be gone faster than it takes him to say "gemstone". That is not a relationship, that is just convenience. Dont stay in a relationship like that. Find somebody where you could move forward and where both of you could strive for the same goals.

[Batya33]

For an LDR to work both people need to be into it 110% (having been in one-we're married now for many years; my parents were in an LDR in the 1950s and then were married 62 years).  I think from the beginning he was not that into you and you were always way more into him.  Yes even with the I love yous and all- love is not enough -his actions show he is not that into you and not committed to you. 

You seem to be lying to yourself because what he says to you shows you this over and over again and his actions -it would be "kinda cool??" Really -is that your standard? I relocated 800 miles away to a city where I knew no one from my home city (and his) where I'd lived 43 years - we were newlyweds and new parents -but we'd discused this a few years earlier and it was a given how committed we were to each other.  

I believe strongly he is dating others and or looking to date others in Alberta. As an aside -even if he was that into you his financial values seem inconsistent with wanting to be a provider and/or a partner in a marriage/family.  If he was that into you.  He is not. I'd stop wasting my time.  I'm sorry!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, batjokes92 said:

 . I am 30 years old and I want to start a family but I can’t seem to find any man who wants the same.

Sorry this is happening. Trust your instincts. It was too soon to start a LDR.  He doesn't seem committed at all. He seems to be stringing you along so he can drop by when he's in town visiting his mother.  You seem to want a committed relationship, not a drive-by part-time BF.

Don't hold up your life for him. Why not join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons? This way you could make friends and meet men.  

Also get a good profile and pics on quality (at least one paid) relationship focused dating apps. Set your criteria for age, distance and other important matching standards for you. Start talking to and meeting men. 

[Andrina]

You're staying with him out of desperation, for a singular, weak thread of him supposedly being exclusive with you, and you have no way of knowing if that's even the case, since he lives a life far from you.

2 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

ut every time I tried to set up a get together with him during the time of Jan-July he either didn’t respond or made an excuse like his phone died

This quote shows what little self-esteem you have, as people who possess self-love don't chase people who ignore them. People who have self-love make equal efforts to a love interest, and if it's unrequited, walk away to find someone who is worthy of them.

Perhaps you've gotten in your own way, since you haven't had luck in the dating world. Appearing too clingy and desperate, you will only attract losers, and scare away decent men.

My advice? Break up with this childish man. Read some books on achieving self-love. Therapy could assist with that goal as well. Start a new hobby if you don't have one. Make new girlfriends if you don't have any by joining clubs, groups, hobbies where you have fun alongside others.

And then where you're ready to date, try things you haven't in the past. Meetup.com groups. Volunteer at a zoo, environment cleanups, or at a museum. Take dancing lessons, cooking classes, etc.

Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list so you're not settling.

You have to take the reins and be proactive. Woe is me self-talk will just have you wallowing and stuck, exactly as you are now. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[batjokes92]

34 minutes ago, Andrina said:

This quote shows what little self-esteem you have, as people who possess self-love don't chase people who ignore them. People who have self-love make equal efforts to a love interest, and if it's unrequited, walk away to find someone who is worthy of them.

Yes I do have low self esteem. That’s because I keep getting played by men all my life. They lie to me and say that they want a girlfriend. Usually they chase me for months treat me real nice then as soon as I start to feel comfortable that’s when they leave. How can I develop good self esteem when all my life I have had bad luck like this? I honestly don’t know what a good relationship looks like and I don’t know what good partners do for each other.

I’ve had one long term relationship in the past at age 25 I met someone through work we were together for almost two years but he broke up with me to be with his next door neighbour so I assume he was cheating on me with her. All of the other men have only wanted one thing then whether they get it or not they end up ditching me anyway. That’s why it’s so hard to let this guy go. He makes an effort to talk to me every day and see me when he comes home (when he feels like coming home) but he can’t make the effort to get me out to Alberta. He says that I can come in July now but I’ve wanted to go in October and March and he was not able to make that happen! so why should I keep waiting? I feel so jaded now that I don’t even think I’d want to go on a trip with him the romance has dimmed in my heart quite a bit I just feel angry at him now. I don’t want to waste time anymore but I’m afraid I’m not attractive or interesting enough to keep a man invested in me. It’s hard to have good self esteem when relationships never work out. How can I develop good self esteem if I keep being treated this way by men in my life!?

[Andrina]

What kind of life have you built for yourself besides dating?

[batjokes92]

22 minutes ago, Andrina said:

What kind of life have you built for yourself besides dating?

I don’t have much of a life. I had some friends before covid happened but they have all moved away scattered to different parts of the world now. Ive tried to make friends I was friends with this one girl for about 5 months but my brothers ex gf inserted herself into our friendship and ruined it. Now all I do is go hangout at my brothers home because I don’t like to stay in my basement apartment all day. I work on my oil paintings in a spare room he has for me. I have social anxiety so it’s hard for me to meet new people. A few days go I gathered the courage to go to a life drawing class but I didn’t realize it would be all older women when I got there. I try to join artist communities in the city but almost all of them are older woman groups. I have a steady job now which is nice but its a short staff and not enough to pay for me to get out of the apartment I’m in right now. I’m currently in the process of finding a good therapist but haven’t had much luck the ones I find seem to have self esteem issues of there own and they frequently cancel appointments on me I’ve signed up for cmha but I keep getting placed with a workers who don't fit my working schedules. I’ve starting going to church and that seems to be the best thing I have going for me now because the people there are very kind to me even though they are older.

I’ll add that I met this guy though my brother. My brother knows that I have bad social anxiety and he told me that this would be a good guy who was quite popular and would help me get to know others. Too bad he wasn’t interested in friendship. These guys that I meet all seem to want me as more than a fiend but less than a partner.

[Andrina]

That info helps. I can speak from a place of understanding. Since childhood, I suffered from depression, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. Never was on medication or received therapy, as in my era it wasn't common for children and teens to receive the care they needed, and parents could be quite clueless. 

I guess through my own resilience, and a need for connection with people in social settings, I dealt with it the best I could and put myself in social situations anyway, regardless of my initial discomfort.

You likely have always possessed a low self esteem so don't blame it on feedback from your bad experiences with men. You can't let other people have that sort of power over you. It's more likely you overlooked red flags, or just weren't realistic to think that most new relationships peter out versus succeeding. Often, we subconsciously choose who we think we deserve, and if we lack self-worth, someone toxic fits the bill. 

Good for you for getting yourself out there with the church groups and art classes. Keep at it, and keep trying new venues until you find a good fit.

Unfortunately, as your life is now, with no friends and without a fulfilling life, a decent man will be scared away that he will be the sole center of your happiness, and that's too daunting.

Most people are attracted to a person who will expand their world, and have their own fulfilling life, and get the sense a person has standards and will be just fine if things don't work out.

Friendships can take years of regularly seeing each other to form. Don't be too thirsty that you scare away people in that area, either. Just keep putting yourself into the world and maybe something will click with someone. You could even start your own Meetup.com group, saying you'll be painting in a particular park or other scenic area on a particular day. There are always people looking to join others in fun activities.

In the meantime, I'd break up with the guy who doesn't want you to observe what's going on where he lives, and who isn't financially stable. Take care.

[Batya33]

I second all Andrina wrote.  If it helps at all I didn't become the right person to find the right person until my late 30s.  My husband and I reconnected after having been engaged when we were around your age - in our late 30s and I had my one and only pregnancy -naturally conceived -right before I turned 41 -we got married and became parents when we were 42.  No guarantees but I can tell you staying attached to this man means you very well could be foregoing opportunities to spend time both becoming and finding the right person for you.  Good luck and feel better.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

I’m afraid to leave this guy because it’s the first time in a long time someone actually wants to commit to me.

But he doesn't actually want to commit to you. 

He says frilly things but his behaviour makes it very clear that he is not serious. A man who wants to commit you, well, commits to you. This one sees you as an after-thought. 

You are not going to find you Happily Ever After with this man. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

But he doesn't actually want to commit to you. 

He says frilly things but his behaviour makes it very clear that he is not serious. A man who wants to commit you, well, commits to you. This one sees you as an after-thought. 

You are not going to find you Happily Ever After with this man. 

No he doesn't I agree. A man who wants to commit to you -particularly if it's long distance -will want you to know that simply and directly.  My husband and I spent 5 minutes or so discussing what we wanted when we started dating and knew we'd be long distance for the foreseeable future.  We decided:  we were going to be exclusive, I would be willing to relocate for his career if we were to get married, we both hoped we would get married and start a family. 

We also had a plan as to how to see each other. We saw each other about every 11 days -either I flew there, or vice versa or sometimes since we both traveled for business I was flying there anyway and a couple of times we met in other cities where one of us was on business travel. We made it work because we knew for sure - no vague wishy washy stuff- that we were on the exact same page as to what we hoped for and wanted.  

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

It’s really depressing me, I cry almost every day because all I want is a partner who is here for me. I have no interest in other guys now and I fear that if I let go of this guy then I’ll never find a partner. I am 30 years old and I want to start a family but I can’t seem to find any man who wants the same.

So, do you not think, since you been waiting now for 8 mos, that's enough now?  Why wait for someone you don't seem to see or get to truly know?

Like you said, you want a partner who is there for you - so you can't do long distance. ( did you ask him IF he wanted more kids?  IMO, it's very risky to even ask him this, since you two don't really have a solid foundation in this relationship...

 

17 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

I told him that long distance relationships are not healthy for me but he insisted that he loved me and that he wanted to make this work. I’ve tried to end it with him again in March but right after I tried to end things he offered me a free plane ticket to come out to see him. I said ok let’s make this happen but when I tried to make solid plans with him to go out there he would stop responding, I could tell that he didn’t really want me to go out there to meet him and I don’t know why.. he didn’t even come home that month! He stayed out there for 2 months instead of coming home! When I ask him why he did that he just smiles and says something stupid like “no reason, it just happened.”

I'd say this is proof enough as he's inconsistant and negligent.  doesn't care enough.- is not love 😕 

 

17 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

I’m afraid to leave this guy because it’s the first time in a long time someone actually wants to commit to me. He says he’s had a lot of relationship experience so this distance doesn’t really bother him and he’s fine with the way things are going.

But do you see this is as committing to you?  Of course nothing bother's him, cause it seems to be ALL about him! ( a lot of relationship experience?  Like how many has he had?  Has he been like this with them all? - take a look at his spending.. is this what you want?).

 

17 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

I asked him “be honest with me. Would you want me to move to Alberta and live with you?” There was a long pause so I said “is that a no then?” He replied “it would be kinda cool” I said “only kinda?” Then he said “no, it would be great”. Should I take that as a no?

I'm sorry, but in some ways, I see this as you showing too much insecurity.  Is like you ARE willing to do almost anything to get to him, one way or another and he's just like .. ' Okay, whatever' ...AND please don't even consider that!  You have no idea how he's living out there.  You already said how he blows his money.. Yes, open those eyes & see the red flags here.

 

[Tinydance]

If you want my opinion, I definitely don't think that you should be with this guy. I wouldn't actually say that "he's making a lot of effort". Yes he calls you often but you have to remember that he's there by himself and doesn't know anyone. So he probably does need someone to talk to. If he was really in love with you then he wouldn't not come home for two days straight. Also when you said you would come to Alberta, he actually stopped responding. Somebody wouldn't stop responding if someone they loved wanted to come see them.

This is just my guess but I don't actually think he loves you. He's not getting you out to Alberta because he doesn't want you to come there, it's that simple. If he wanted you to come there then he would make it happen. I'm not saying that he's definitely seeing other women there because I don't actually know if he is. But the fact that he didn't come home for two months and he also doesn't want you to come to Alberta might actually mean he's got someone else there. And he doesn't want you to find out that he's seeing other people so that's why he doesn't let you come there. To me it seems that he's just keeping you as a backup plan for when/if he decides to return to your hometown. 

It's actually not surprising you're hurting because this guy doesn't seem as invested in you as you are in him. I think you can feel it deep down and that's why you're hurting. I think you need to be strong and really leave him this time.

I used to have bad self-esteem as a teenager and in my early 20's and I got used a lot by these kinds of guys. But the older I got, the better I felt about myself and I didn't want to put up with it anymore. So I got rid of guys who treated me badly. I actually don't think that all guys are bad or don't want a relationship. It just seems to me that you tolerated those types of guys. And that gave you the impression that they're all like that and you won't find anyone better. The way to find someone better is to get rid of guys who don't take you seriously as fast as possible. If you spend months and years on the wrong people then how do you actually get a chance to meet someone better?

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

 all I do is go hangout at my brothers home because I don’t like to stay in my basement apartment all day. I have a steady job now which is nice but its a short staff and not enough to pay for me to get out of the apartment .

He invited me out to a rave party and he told me that he loved me I was kind of shocked but I told him I loved him too.

You could broaden your social horizons by updating your resume and LinkedIn profile and browsing for positions. Also see if you could find some fun or decent paying part-time jobs.

Unfortunately part of the problem seems to be depressing living arrangements and spending too much time on hobbies at your brothers place. 

If you had some part-time jobs, it would help you get out of the house and help you get more income. It also wouldn't involve social anxiety as much because you would be expected to show up for work and simply interact with people.

Try to broaden your horizons. Take some classes and courses that could further your career and or get you involved in different interests and get you out of the house more.

Try to avoid raves and club drugs. Saying ILY right after the rave party seems more like MDMA talking, than a relationship forming.

[Tinydance]

Sorry I meant two months straight, not two days lol

[batjokes92]

On 5/7/2023 at 12:38 AM, Tinydance said:

If you want my opinion, I definitely don't think that you should be with this guy. I wouldn't actually say that "he's making a lot of effort". Yes he calls you often but you have to remember that he's there by himself and doesn't know anyone. So he probably does need someone to talk to. If he was really in love with you then he wouldn't not come home for two days straight. Also when you said you would come to Alberta, he actually stopped responding. Somebody wouldn't stop responding if someone they loved wanted to come see them.

This is just my guess but I don't actually think he loves you. He's not getting you out to Alberta because he doesn't want you to come there, it's that simple. If he wanted you to come there then he would make it happen. I'm not saying that he's definitely seeing other women there because I don't actually know if he is. But the fact that he didn't come home for two months and he also doesn't want you to come to Alberta might actually mean he's got someone else there. And he doesn't want you to find out that he's seeing other people so that's why he doesn't let you come there. To me it seems that he's just keeping you as a backup plan for when/if he decides to return to your hometown. 

It's actually not surprising you're hurting because this guy doesn't seem as invested in you as you are in him. I think you can feel it deep down and that's why you're hurting. I think you need to be strong and really leave him this time.

I used to have bad self-esteem as a teenager and in my early 20's and I got used a lot by these kinds of guys. But the older I got, the better I felt about myself and I didn't want to put up with it anymore. So I got rid of guys who treated me badly. I actually don't think that all guys are bad or don't want a relationship. It just seems to me that you tolerated those types of guys. And that gave you the impression that they're all like that and you won't find anyone better. The way to find someone better is to get rid of guys who don't take you seriously as fast as possible. If you spend months and years on the wrong people then how do you actually get a chance to meet someone better?

I’m trying to be strong and not respond to his messages anymore and I felt like I was doing a good job for a couple of days but it was his birthday on the 9th and I just felt like I had to wish him a happy birthday just to be kind. And now it’s like I’ve been pulled right back in. He told me that it means a lot that I wished him happy birthday and that it means I have a good spirit and that I whatever happens I should never change that.. now I feel like I’m back in the thick of it again.

I feel damned no matter what I do. If I stop talking to him/ignore him I lose a dear person and I will be lonely left thinking of him and missing him but if I keep responding to his messages I will never be able to break free and move on. Honestly, when I first met him I only wanted to be friends first I didn’t want to rush into things but his lovebombing and the circumstances of the situation seemed to push me into it.

I can’t get over the hurt of the night he kissed me and promised we’d have adventures together, only for it to all fall apart the very next day. It hurts me at my core and I actually have had troubles staying asleep though the night ever since that happened. (I used to sleep like a baby now I wake up at least twice every night I told him this and he said that I “should not see it as a bad thing” but it hurts knowing that I can’t sleep through the night anymore because of what happened) his daily calls and messages make me feel good but it’s also a constant reminder of that night and a reminder that I’m stuck in a bad situation that I can’t seem to break free from. It would be easier if he would just stay in Alberta and never come back but he is coming back to see his son every month and I know I will be tempted to go over to his place and be with him when he comes home 2 weeks from now. I have no other friends/relationships right now and there are no meetup groups in my city, I live in a depressed area (recently saw some news that the city I live in is the 3rd unhappiest city in Canada, and I can see why. No one here is happy and everyone wants to move away. I’m not kidding, almost all of my high school friends have moved overseas) I’m afraid there won’t be anyone else who shows so much interest in me. This guy is probably one of the calmest people I’ve ever met, a lot of my past relationships were with unhealthy people who would always yell and degrade me, this man does not do that. He’s always kind and gentle with me. I wish he never moved out to Alberta, is it my fault I’m this sad? I feel like he doesn’t want to commit to me because I’m always in a bad mood because of what happened but I can’t control that. Am I the toxic one in this situation? I want to love him and be his friend and support him but I feel so hurt by what happened I don’t feel like I can ever be comfortable with him even as a friend anymore.

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

I’m afraid there won’t be anyone else who shows so much interest in me

So, you're basically using him because you think he's better than nothing. Yeah, it's as crappy a thing to do to him, as he's doing to you, such as in the reason below.

 

On 5/6/2023 at 6:16 AM, batjokes92 said:

I said ok let’s make this happen but when I tried to make solid plans with him to go out there he would stop responding, I could tell that he didn’t really want me to go out there to meet him and I don’t know why.

If I were single at your age, I'd think the world was my oyster and I could start exploring where I'd like to live and start applying for jobs in that area. Doesn't even have to be permanent either. You could join the Peace Corps. Some people are qualified to teach English in Japan or other countries. You could join a cruise ship crew and not have to worry about apartment rent until you save money and decide to be more settled, later. 

Ultimately, if you can't help yourself by being strong enough to do what's best for yourself now, to get you where you want to be in the future, all the advice in the world won't do you any good. Read some articles on delayed gratification. Here's an excerpt from an article by Kelly Miller: The concepts of delayed gratification, self-control, and self-regulation are often used interchangeably and inconsistently. The ability to delay an impulse for an immediate reward to receive a more favorable reward at a later time is the standard definition of delayed gratification. Studies have shown that the ability to delay reward is present in highly successful people.

[spinstermanquee]

12 hours ago, batjokes92 said:

promised we’d have adventures together... It would be easier if he would just stay in Alberta and never come back

Why do you need *him* to have adventures?  You're 30, single, and free!  As another poster said, the world is your oyster!  Get your resume together, get your papers in order, and get gone already!  If you don't start living your best life now, you'll wind up living the same exact life in 20 years!  Carpe diem.  And everyone loves Canadians!  (Are you listening, @MissCanuck)?

I have friends who went to China and taught English, one who went to Japan to work for the government.  Another took a job as an au pair and got room and board plus a stipend in Europe for taking care of 2 kids after school until dinner every day, and had every other weekend free.  Yet another went on the cheap and took a break-down bicycle to India and backpacked.  They all had great adventures and came out the other side better for it, none of them waited for permission or waited for someone else to make it happen for them.

He made his choice and it didn't involve you.  That says more about him than it does about you.  He's not going far anyways, he has too much baggage tying him to North America.  And he won't stay in Alberta and never come back, because child.

There is nothing wrong with you other than you think you need that in your life.  I beg to differ!  Go batgirl go!!!  The world is waiting for you to show up for YOU.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

 And everyone loves Canadians!  (Are you listening, @MissCanuck)?

Sure am!

OP, I am obviously Canadian as well, but I moved overseas 10 years ago (I am a teacher, and I was a teacher back home too) I was single then, and took a big leap. I love my country and all my family and friends back home, but I have also forged a new life for myself where I am now. It's got its challenges, but it's wondeful too. 

I didn't have a man by my side to those things - but doing it all for myself was one of the most exciting and empowering experiences ever. It's made me who I am today. You have options, if you are willing to put in the work and find your own happiness. 

[catfeeder]

You’re torturing yourself over a fantasy you’ve built around someone you don’t even know well. 

You can do that if you want, it’s not against the law. It’s just a waste of your youth and your vitality and your fertility years.

Id make this less about him and more about why I’m resistant to building a better, more fulfilling life for myself without him. Canada is a big place—surely you can find a better match than this guy.

[LootieTootie]

Hate to be judgey but why are you crying over a guy who has spent over $1k on gemstones (that you know of)? Whatever it is, this should probably be a clear indication this guy isn't great with priorities and you are crying over someone who doesn't care to put you as a priority.

If you are miserable where you're at and you're looking for a partner to rescue you, you are going to be deeply disappointed with life. Life favors the bold. You need to make some changes and if that means moving away, do it. Start looking for jobs nearby. Don't stay in a town where there's no opportunity for much. Also find hobbies outside your brother's home. IS your brother married? If not, I'm sure he would like privacy and be able to bring a date over without worrying.

[batjokes92]

Ok, now I’ve got everyone telling me I need to move to improve my situation. One step at a time please. I can’t handle all of these suggestions at once. My mind is spiralling I need to simplify my life right now not complicate it further. I don’t mean any disrespect. Sure, I’d like to travel and see the world but I don’t exactly have the funds make it happen right now. I am interested in travelling to UK someday, sure, I’ve never been over seas. I would not move there without a plan for protection first. I’ve asked my family what they think of me moving away and they said they wouldn’t recommend it I’ve got no one willing or help me pay for such a big move it would be all my own funds. I’ve looked up jobs in UK and there are some internships that sound nice but they cost so much money! That’s not really something I want to focus on at the moment that’s more of a long range goal like a year from now or something maybe. I’m just worried about getting myself in order here right now. I just need some solid and grounded relationship advice please.

I really want a romantic partner and it wouldn’t be fair for me to look for that if I start to get ideas in my head about moving. I don’t want to make plans to move away then all of the sudden I meet the best guy for me here then I’m forced to leave and basically put myself in the same situation I’m in now just roles reversed. That would be a nightmare. Looking for some healing advice so I can feel better about my situation not worse. I don’t want to be stressed out thinking that the only way to improve myself is to move away just because that’s what this guy did. I’m not saying that travelling isn’t a good idea I just think that it’s a big step if I’m not prepared financially or emotionally. 

Anyways, back to the issue at hand. I feel like my heart is broken and my body is in physical pain from the longing that I feel for this person. I keep thinking that we could have been great together if he just didn’t get the call out to leave so suddenly after he revealed his feelings for me. Is it true that if it’s ment to be it will all work out in the end? I feel we have a strong connection but our paths have not aligned and I’m wondering if there is a reason for that or if it’s just extremely bad luck? I’m scared now to make any moves in dating because I fear that the worst can happen again. Two people could be right for each other, both want commitment and be compatible but other things get in the way and it’s just so unfair.. I tend to get emotionally invested in people very quickly too because I see the soul inside a person and I see the unique qualities a person brings into the world so special and there is no other like them. I have such big loving feelings but no outlet to express that love. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, batjokes92 said:

 I don’t want to be stressed out thinking that the only way to improve myself is to move away just because that’s what this guy did. 

Try to relax. There's no reason to relocate just to find people to date. You can do both. You can get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. As well as figuring out where you want to live and what you want to do with your life and career.

Just because this man decided to relocate for work, it doesn't mean it's the only option for you.  It's understandable you feel left behind, but it's ok to move forward without him.

[Batya33]

People meet people when they are doing what makes them happy and what is fun and fulfiling.  You don't have to move or relocate. Just live your life in a fun and fulfilling way but not where you are passively waiting for some guy to come along -that won't be the right guy -that will be a guy you are desperate for and settle for. Be out there, proactively looking but in places where you are likely to meet people you have stuff in common with. 

You are unlikely to have a healthy relationship with a guy you crush on and put on a pedestal and who tries to get to know you by inviting you to a rave party.

I married at 42, we started dating (again!) when we were 38 and 39.  And by then it was long distance -he had relocated.  That's how life happens sometimes.  I didn't "need" him and I wasn't desperate even though I wanted a husband and the chance to have a biological child.  I wanted marriage and family with 110% of my heart and soul and I worked for it - being out there proactively, becoming the right person to find the right person.  If either of us had given the impression of desperation or felt it we wouldn't have had a healthy, loving, relationship or marriage -we are in our mid-late 50s now.  

When we reconnected I had an intense career I loved, did volunteer work, was part of a women's networking group, had an active social life. I never ever told myself I could be happy if I was forever single and no marriage or kids -never lied to myself.  At the same time I had a fun, fulfilling life that I took charge of and I was strategic in what activities I did and who I associated with to maximize my opportunities to meet men or women who could introduce me to suitable men.  I suggest the same for you. 

Head spinning is normal and fine  -sometimes life is like that and you accept that it's overwhelming and come up with a plan to divide it into baby steps.  Rather than just throwing up your hands and proclaiming "it's too much" - life can be too much.  Depends how badly you want your goals -you decide.