Guy I'm seeing exclusively is meeting up tonight with a girl he's hooked up with and it's making me super anxious

[Larissa1443]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

 

Now he is also hanging out with "tattoo girl" again and going to her place. I think maybe this guy isn't necessarily looking for a serious relationship right now. Just because he said: "OK we won't see other people" doesn't mean he's actually in a serious relationship mindset. It seems like it was you that asked to be monogamous right? 

I did and he was okay with it. 

The problem is when I raise issues about what I want, he says "I can do X and Z if that'll make you happier", like he truly listens and tries to cater to my needs. 

It would be a different scenario if he said "Look, I understand X is what you want, but I can only give you Z" instead he'll make an effort. Same goes for closing the relationship. 

I have made it clear to him numerous times: Look, if this isn't what you want, if you want to date multiple people, if you want to be single or want an open relationship or whatever it is you want - you're free to do so. The last thing I want is holding someone from what they want to do. What I expect though, is honesty. So let me know what YOU want so then I can make a decision on what I want and need". 

And more than once he has stated he wants to be with me and wants to see where this goes...

He's had the option to leave but he hasn't, and that's where it gets confusing to me. 

I know he isn't seeing other women, but the tattoo girl thing really hit a soft spot for me and I guess if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be overthinking our relationship as a whole. 

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I have made it clear to him numerous times: Look, if this isn't what you want, if you want to date multiple people, if you want to be single or want an open relationship or whatever it is you want - you're free to do so.

So, when I read this here’s what I hear you saying to him: “Look, I know you probably don’t want what I want so just tell me.”

In a way, this puts both of you in an impossible position, since the only way he can fully soothe you is to “admit” that he’s who you suspect him to be. 

I think backing away might be the best call. You should both have the joy and freedom to explore and establish a monogamous relationship, with the invariable boundary clashes that come early, in a less high octane setting.   

[Lambert]

22 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I want to feel safe and happy. 

This is really great and important to know. As they say, knowledge is power.  knowing what you want and rejecting everything that is not that, is the answer. 

24 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

at the same time I don't want to be pushy... this isn't the girl

you don't have to be pushy. you can express yourself and your needs in a way that shows you are fine regardless of what he does, but also the relationship won't progress without your needs being met. 

If that means deal breaker, that's ok because the goal is your happiness.  Don't forget your goal. 

[Larissa1443]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

 

In a way, this puts both of you in an impossible position, since the only way he can fully soothe you is to “admit” that he’s who you suspect him to be. 

 

I honestly would not mind that and I say this from the bottom of my heart. If he ever came to me and said "Look, I do want to see other people and yes I want to keep in touch with girls I've slept with" Go on, be happy, live your life! Everyone deserves to be happy. But at the end of the day, I feel stupid because he's giving this girl some sort of opening while I'm at home being "loyal" to him. 

Maybe he won't sleep with her, but it's the fact that we spent a whole damn month together and he still isn't able to let her go. 

[Larissa1443]

5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

This is really great and important to know. As they say, knowledge is power.  knowing what you want and rejecting everything that is not that, is the answer. 

you don't have to be pushy. you can express yourself and your needs in a way that shows you are fine regardless of what he does, but also the relationship won't progress without your needs being met. 

If that means deal breaker, that's ok because the goal is your happiness.  Don't forget your goal. 

I truly am fine if my needs aren't being met with this guy. 

In the past, I have been the type of girl who would put up with things that hurt my soul because I so badly wanted to be with that person, I'm no longer scared of losing someone 

Like see, yesterday I told him I wanted more communication and he hasn't texted me all day. Not even to tell me we can talk later. It's the fact he doesn't want to end it but also doesn't do what I want. 

I think I'm just gonna end up telling him that I connected the dots and figured out that the girl he is getting a tattoo with is the girl he was hooking up with, no matter how crazy that will sound, at least I'll get this out of my system and will be able to see what his reaction will be as well. 

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, Larissa1443 said:

. If he ever came to me and said "Look, I do want to see other people and yes I want to keep in touch with girls I've slept with" Go on, be happy, live your life!

I feel like so many of us have been here...

just tell me you don't want me.

Just admit you lied.

Just level with me.

But there's two problems with this... maybe more...

1. it gives the power to the other person to decide what you deserve.

2. it completely gives you permission to ignore what you know is true.

So many posts will start with, "I know they did it, but they said prove it. "

This is not traffic court.  This is your relationship.  If you don't believe them. If you have a gut feeling.  If you are not without a doubt. That's the proof!

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I truly am fine if my needs aren't being met with this guy. 

Right. because you'll move on to a guy that will. 

Forget this tool. words mean nothing. actions are needed to back it up. 

 

[Larissa1443]

23 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I feel like so many of us have been here...

just tell me you don't want me.

Just admit you lied.

Just level with me.

But there's two problems with this... maybe more...

1. it gives the power to the other person to decide what you deserve.

2. it completely gives you permission to ignore what you know is true.

So many posts will start with, "I know they did it, but they said prove it. "

This is not traffic court.  This is your relationship.  If you don't believe them. If you have a gut feeling.  If you are not without a doubt. That's the proof!

I've never looked at it from this perspective, I guess I just never thought I'd get tangled in this mess that I am at the moment. 

I have a massive gut feeling as he's already been semi honest in the past with me so of course I'm going to be feeling strange. 

Ugh this is really annoying

[MissCanuck]

Larissa. You are doing it again. 

Girl. GIRL. You have thread after thread outlining your man troubles, including with this guy. We have all warned you to stop doing this to yourself and stop keeping men around who come with red flags.

And yet, you keep standing in your own way and making poor choices, and then complaining about it. You know this guy doesn't want what you want. He's no into you the way you're into him. It's plain as day. But you're doing what you always seem to do, which is trying way too hard to be the "cool girl" and be "safe" for these dudes who really don't care about you like that. It makes no difference to them if you "feel safe and happy" for them. 

Where has that gotten you? You fret and spin around in distress but you keep repeating the same behaviour that you landed you here in the first place. We can't help you if you won't help yourself.

[Tinydance]

Sorry just wondering how you know he actually hooked up with that girl just from looking at social media? Was there something written there pointing to the fact they hooked up? You're pretty sure they did hook up or you more suspect it?

[Larissa1443]

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry just wondering how you know he actually hooked up with that girl just from looking at social media? Was there something written there pointing to the fact they hooked up? You're pretty sure they did hook up or you more suspect it?

Honestly I know I'm gonna sound like a total psycho but a week prior to us becoming exclusive, he went to a tattoo show of this said "friend" - the same week he told me he had slept with another girl. 

He has an instagram where he posts his daily as he likes photography and after looking through his insta it's clear this was the only girl he was with on those weeks that he told me he slept with another girl. 

Of course, I am not 100% sure, but all the details add up to that. 

And that's what's bothering me, the fact that if it's true - he has lied/omitted, if it's not true and they are just friends and I confront him - I'm gonna sound like a paranoid b* and that's why I feel like I'm in a pickle here. 

 

[Larissa1443]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Larissa. You are doing it again. 

Girl. GIRL. You have thread after thread outlining your man troubles, including with this guy. We have all warned you to stop doing this to yourself and stop keeping men around who come with red flags.

And yet, you keep standing in your own way and making poor choices, and then complaining about it. You know this guy doesn't want what you want. He's no into you the way you're into him. It's plain as day. But you're doing what you always seem to do, which is trying way too hard to be the "cool girl" and be "safe" for these dudes who really don't care about you like that. It makes no difference to them if you "feel safe and happy" for them. 

Where has that gotten you? You fret and spin around in distress but you keep repeating the same behaviour that you landed you here in the first place. We can't help you if you won't help yourself.

You're 100% right. I always put myself in these ridiculous situations and then find myself so tangled up I can't seem to get out. I even scheduled an impromptu meeting with my therapist this week because I feel like I'm going crazy. 

I guess I just truly wanted to know the truth before making a decision. I don't want to end with a guy simply because he went over to a friend's house to get a tattoo, but by the same token, the scenario changes if this friend is the person he was hooking up with and wanted to continue sleeping with when we decided to be exclusive. 

[Larissa1443]

17 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry just wondering how you know he actually hooked up with that girl just from looking at social media? Was there something written there pointing to the fact they hooked up? You're pretty sure they did hook up or you more suspect it?

It would be one thing if he was like "hey, I hooked up with her in the past, but this is just going to be a friendly encounter, you're welcome to come along if you're not feeling comfortable" 

And another "I'm going over to hers" not inviting you and omitting the fact you've slept together. 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Larissa1443 said:

I guess I just truly wanted to know the truth before making a decision. I don't want to end with a guy simply because he went over to a friend's house to get a tattoo

You're still not getting it. 

You revealed your deep reservations about this man in your last thread. You didn't feel comfortable with his conduct then. But you have persisted. It's not only about the fact that he is going to hang out with a fling. It's also (largely) about the fact that you continue to ignore your instinct and hang on to guys who show you from the outset that they're not on the same page as you.

This guy doesn't take this situation-ship anywhere near as seriously as you do. He goes days without talking to you. He keeps a FWB in his orbit. And I can predict how this will end: he will eventually end it with you or let it fizzle, and you'll be right back here complaining about how you never find a good man and nobody treats you right, and so on. 

You're your own worst enemy in your love life, Larissa. 

 

 

[Larissa1443]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

days without talking to you. He keeps a FWB in his orbit. And I can predict how this will end: he will eventually end it with you or let it fizzle, and you'll be right back here complaining about how you never find a good man and nobody treats you right, and so on. 

You're your own worst enemy in your love life, Larissa. 

 

 

Yeah honestly this is what I'm trying to prevent - him ending things with me - I guess because we are "on good terms" I can't bring myself to end it with him. We hung out yesterday and it was nice until he disclosed this tattoo thing which made me super moody and he noticed I was strange but I didn't say why. 

I guess I want to know so then I can have a "good reason" to end things with him, but it's also true that I don't need "proof". I'm going to sort this all out this weekend, I don't want to end things over text but I need to let this go for my own sake.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Larissa1443 said:

I don't want to end things over text but I need to let this go for my own sake

Good idea. 

It's been unsettling you from the start. There is no point trying to turn this into a relationship. He'd be conducting himself very differently if that's what he wanted with you. As such, it's best to stop wasting your time here. 

[Tinydance]

I also don't understand why he told you that he had slept with some girl? Like how did that come up in conversation?

[Larissa1443]

13 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I also don't understand why he told you that he had slept with some girl? Like how did that come up in conversation?

So this is how it went: we slept together for the first time and I decided to have "the talk" with him. Where he wanted this to go, what were his thoughts etc. 

He then dropped a bomb that when we met back in January, he was in an open relationship with another girl that lasted for 3 months - until March - to which he never disclosed to me. When they ended, he started pursuing me more and that's went we slept together for the first time. 

And then he told me that in March between going on a date with me and ending the relationship - he slept with another girl - and coincidentally, same weeks he was with this tattoo girl. 

And then he told me he wanted to continue seeing her and other girls and I told him if he wants to do that then we end it right here. I told him he's free to have "open relationships" with others but it doesn't work for me. He then said he wants to be with me and only me and that has been like that for the past month - no other issues other than lack of interacting with me during the week. 

This is why I'm on the edge with this because, he tends to be very honest when I ask him things. He doesn't have an issue telling me the truth. But at the same time, he omitted the open relationship, so in my mind, I think he can just as easily omit he was sleeping with this girl. 

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

then he told me he wanted to continue seeing her and other girls and I told him if he wants to do that then we end it right here. I told him he's free to have "open relationships" with others but it doesn't work for me. He then said he wants to be with me and only me

You've got to stop trusting guys who waffle that quickly. They're not being sincere if they change their minds like this from one moment to the next. 

Step up and choose more wisely for yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

. I even scheduled an impromptu meeting with my therapist this week because I feel like I'm going crazy. 

Sorry this is happening . However reflect on this statement. If you need emergency therapy in order to date someone, there's something wrong. Trust your instincts.

Basically he wants casual and "see how it goes". You seem to be accepting terms (continuing to see other women)  that go against your values, just to hang on to someone who's generally nice to you.  

He's nice to you because everything is on his terms. He keeps you at arms length, doesn't act like a BF and has dates with women he recently slept with.

It seems like you're getting overinvested and overinvolved with someone who wants a lot of freedom. And convincing yourself you'll be able to hang on to him by being the "cool GF" and putting up with  casual open relationships even though you would like a one-on-one committed relationship with regular contact. 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

Yeah I guess like, I truly believe he could be just going for a tattoo because like I said, we've hung out without even kissing so I can see that happening as he isn't really sex driven and enjoys people's companies, but it's the fact that 1. I'll never know and 2. I don't like the fact he hasn't told me they've hooked up.

It doesnt matter that you will know or dont know. Or even if he will do anything now or some other time. He showed you that he doesnt respect your boundaries and that he is willing to lie in order to hang out with person he hooked up weeks ago. That alone should be enough to dump the chump for good. Again, respect yourself more. He isnt hanging with his childhood friend. He is hanging with the person he had sex few weeks ago. Its OK to not be OK with that and leave somebody like that. Then he can hang out and hook up with whoever he wants and you can find somebody who wont do such things.

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

a week prior to us becoming exclusive

I wanted to speak to this specifically. A healthy relationship doesn't really mark in time. Sure the official ceremony, the talk, etc. However, every good relationship I've ever had, did not have an official exclusivity verbalized.

Meaning we didn't have to say it. We met, went on dates, had good times, felt good, kept going.  the trust was there because we both wanted the same things, worked towards the same goal, treated each other well. the actions showed.

Going to meet a person they previously slept with would be in direct conflict with this.  it can't start out with "I like open relationships and I've been having lots of random sex, but since you won't do that I'll just be exclusively with you" and really work out.  that's a rom-com. 

He's saying whatever to appease you and then doing what he wants.  Of course it's super confusing and janky as all hell because it's not about you and doing what's best for you. 

he's not doing what's best for you and you're not doing what's best for you.  

How can that end up best for you? serious question.

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

sounds like you're watering down your own needs and justifying red flags to yourself. 

At a month in, seems like a lot of mental gymnastics.

It's not a matter of dumping the guy, but take a look at what you're accepting.

Is it good enough for you? 

Are you afraid to state your standards for his behavior because it highlights more incompatibilities?

Not staying true to yourself can be very damaging to your self esteem and mental health. It can take a long time and a lot of work to heal from. And it sucks because at the end of it all, you know you knew better. 

I agree. You're taking the easy way out by staying and settling for scraps.  I went to my ex's apartment after my future husband and I were exclusive. I lol had an Ipod and he offered to download the music library he'd given me on an old device.  I told my bf about it, he was totally fine with it.  No I did not invite my bf because he was out of town -we were long distance.  We love and trust each other. 

I went, I had a pleasant convo with my ex, he downloaded the music and I left.  The end. My bf never ever questioned me about it, didn't need me to "check in" after -we spoke that night because we had a nightly time we had a phone call. I'm not even sure if it was mentioned. Non issue because we loved and trusted each other.

I felt the same when he met up with his ex for dinner -once -when he was in her city on business -I think by then we were engaged or almost? Maybe even married.  Anyway I didn't need him to check in either.  He and his ex also are professionally connected.  I was fine with it.  She wanted him back when we first started dating and by then she'd moved on and was serious with someone else.  Never occurred to me to be anxious or worry. 

I think you're lying to yourself -cut your losses after only a month of this unncessary drama and pleading for "communication" (oh please) - and find a person who wouldn't play with fire and where it's no biggie what he does when he is not with you. Because there is a foundation of trust and respect and caring.  This is the same guy from your other threads I suspect.  

[boltnrun]

Does this turmoil feel good? If not, why do you believe you have to continue with this situation? There's no trial and it's not a court of law. You don't have to present a case of facts in order to stop seeing someone.

In summary, if you find this turmoil exciting and alluring, continue. If it upsets you, don't continue. 

[Andrina]

Just because as you say he has some good traits (listening to you) that were lacking in your past toxic partners, doesn't mean at all that the good should outweigh the bad here.

You say you feel like you're dying inside, and yet wonder if you should stick it out until XYZ is divulged. Isn't that what dating in the early stages is for? To vette potential longterm partner? Isn't the feeling of dying inside a clue you should make a speedy exit?

Instead you're playing detective, stomach in knots. Instead you're asking for what you want--more communication during the week, and he hears you and chooses not to please you. Doesn't that show he doesn't care? Doesn't the fact he doesn't divulge the truth because his needs are more important than yours give you pause?

Just reading about this man makes my skin crawl, and you have a lot of trouble breaking up with him?

As the saying goes, Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself. Your self-love needs a lot of work, or you will continue the pattern of allowing toxic men into your life.

A big mistake you made was sleeping with him before finding out who he truly is. You put the cart before the horse. That's something you can learn from when dating in the future. I suggest taking a break from dating and continue on with your therapist and reading books on establishing a healthy self-worth.

As for him, just tell him "This relationship doesn't work for me." Then block him. He's not worthy of any long discussions. You don't have conversations with the cockroaches you get rid of in your house, or the garbage you take to the sidewalk, do you?