My husband wants to leave my country, I don't.

[FrancesPrances]

I've been married to my husband for 2 years and we have a four year old son who was born in my country.

The relationship has been passion-less for awhile now but I still love him very much. I don't feel the same love coming back though; he can be kind and gentle sometimes, cold and distant other times. I battle depression and when I have a day like today where I spend hours in bed crying, he ignores me.

I wanted to confront the issue with him after our son fell asleep, he said he didn't know I was crying or what I was doing in bed all day. I pushed about our relationship and how it needs work so we have to talk about it - and he opened up about his big issue:

Are we going to stay living in this very expensive city where he works so hard at a job that pays him badly? And, specifically, will we stay in our little apartment, or even in the country.

I get that it's expensive, I don't like that either but all my family is here and my sister just separated from her partner of 10 years and I want to be around for her. My family are very active in my sons life and he loves them SO much. I don't want to leave my family.

He wants to be with his family too, which I get. We just spent 4 years of savings to fully pay for his mum's plane ticket to stay with us for a month (and all extra expenses) and she doesn't like my country either. It would be great to have enough money where we could see them often but we're not that well off. 

I also don't like some of the influences in his country and I don't think it's the best place to raise a child. His mother's influence is also too much for me. I don't want to move back there (we met in his country and I lived there almost 2 years). 

What am I asking? I don't know, for perspectives?

I want to be with him, I want our family to be together but we have opposing ideals for the future right now. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, FrancesPrances said:

I also don't like some of the influences in his country and I don't think it's the best place to raise a child. His mother's influence is also too much for me. I don't want to move back there.

Sorry this is happening. Why not stay in your country with your friends, family, child ?  Do you both work? Is he a legal resident of your country?

If your husband wishes to move back to his country and family, you may have to divorce and figure out international custody arrangements.

This situation is far more complicated than "I like this place but you like that place", now that a child is involved and your talking about different countries and cultures.

As far as being incapacitated to the point of staying in bed crying all day, please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Talk to trusted friends and family about your predicament. Also consult an attorney for information, support and advice in the event of divorce and international custody.

Your husband doesn't want what you want. There's no need to keep debating which place is "better" to live. He and his family have their views and you have yours 

 

[Batya33]

What did you two discuss before marriage as to where you would live and flexibility in relocating? I moved 800 miles away for my husband's job. From the city we grew up in and I'd lived for 43 years straight give or take around 6 months total living elsewhere.  When we became serious I knew I'd have to relocate for his career. 

I put some limited conditions on it- cities where I knew I'd be really unhappy.  He agreed and didn't like those places anyway. We moved the year we got married and became a stay at home mom, the year we had our son -to this city where we had no family.  I get that some couples have as a dealbreaker having to live near family when there is a young child -for family help -but in general there's no entitlement to that -certainly it's easier to have family around. 

My husband travels a lot and I've solo parented with no help many times when my son was sick or injured, I was sick, my parents were sick but I couldn't help because of solo parenting, when school was suddenly cancelled and I had a work deadline, etc.  (Yes my husband was totally fine with me spending $ on sitters/child care but I chose not to and also it's almost impossible to find a sitter for a sick child). I signed up for that situation.  

Is there a compromise here? Can you move where you're somewhat close to one of your families in a country/city/location you both like? I see his point that it's expensive where you live -can you do number crunching meaning if your parents are helping out then that saves child care $ etc.  I'm sorry your sister is struggling.  Your first and primary allegiance is to your husband and son. IMO.  You can visit your sister/talk by phone/facetime, right?

Also how do your parents treat your husband -do they have a close and good relationship?

[Kwothe28]

Would you be comfortable if only he leaves? 

My sister-cousin(My mom and her dad are brother and sister) made her husband to get a job as a truck driver. He was working with his dad who owns a boutique but he didnt make much. So she made him take a job as a truck driver. Now when he got a bit experience as that, he changed countries and now is in Germany. While they are here. Lots of couples in pursue of economic advantage do that at least for a while. Husband(usually though there are cases of reverse and wife leaving) leaves to make money and then whole family maybe leaves in time when he settles. Its not an unusual situation here. So, what I am asking is: Would you be OK there economically if only he leaves? Can he support you from where he leaves or would you both need to be in his country? 

[gamon]

2 hours ago, FrancesPrances said:

We just spent 4 years of savings to fully pay for his mum's plane ticket to stay with us for a month (and all extra expenses)

Either you don't save very much, or plane tickets have gotten really expensive.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, FrancesPrances said:

I wanted to confront the issue with him after our son fell asleep, he said he didn't know I was crying or what I was doing in bed all day. I pushed about our relationship and how it needs work so we have to talk about it - and he opened up about his big issue:

I highlighted those words you used because they are not conducive to productive problem solving. Start with what you can do to have a happier marriage, and how to communicate more effectively.

As said, if you're not seeking treatment for depression, that should be a priority on your list. If you don't presently work outside the home, what are your future plans to do so? Will your child be in full or part time school next year, where it might be a possibility for you to be able to contribute financially to ease your family's financial burden? Can you be doing anything now in-house, like regularly babysitting for another person? 

Regarding communication, you have to be clearcut about what you want. You could have said something like: In the future, if you see me crying in bed, I'd like you to come and rub my back for five minutes. (Just an example of being concrete instead of being vague.)

You two could sit down and write columns of pros and cons of each possible decision. Perhaps seeing everything written down would be helpful. 

Your emotional connection needs work. Make sure you're using the resources of family involvement by asking them to babysit once or twice a month so you and your husband can have couples time, which can alternate between home dates and outside activities. Make sure it's time where you have affectionate fun together.

Shake things up. Do things you've never done before. He works hard? Give him a foot or back rub. He'll be more liable to care for you when you're crying in bed if you've been similarly caring for his well being. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, FrancesPrances said:

I've been married to my husband for 2 years and we have a four year old son who was born in my country.

The relationship has been passion-less for awhile now but I still love him very much. I don't feel the same love coming back though; he can be kind and gentle sometimes, cold and distant other times. I battle depression and when I have a day like today where I spend hours in bed crying, he ignores me.

I wanted to confront the issue with him after our son fell asleep, he said he didn't know I was crying or what I was doing in bed all day. I pushed about our relationship and how it needs work so we have to talk about it - and he opened up about his big issue:

Are we going to stay living in this very expensive city where he works so hard at a job that pays him badly? And, specifically, will we stay in our little apartment, or even in the country.

I get that it's expensive, I don't like that either but all my family is here and my sister just separated from her partner of 10 years and I want to be around for her. My family are very active in my sons life and he loves them SO much. I don't want to leave my family.

He wants to be with his family too, which I get. We just spent 4 years of savings to fully pay for his mum's plane ticket to stay with us for a month (and all extra expenses) and she doesn't like my country either. It would be great to have enough money where we could see them often but we're not that well off. 

I also don't like some of the influences in his country and I don't think it's the best place to raise a child. His mother's influence is also too much for me. I don't want to move back there (we met in his country and I lived there almost 2 years). 

What am I asking? I don't know, for perspectives?

I want to be with him, I want our family to be together but we have opposing ideals for the future right now. 

I'm going to be really honest here and it might not be what you want to hear.

But this is not going to work.

Being from two different countries is very difficult, for the reasons you listed above.

You and your husband came into this situation thinking you would be happy in each other's country, but it's not working out.

Because of that, your relationship is suffering.

He is unhappy in your country. He wants to be around his family and friends and he no longer wishes to be in your country.

You aren't okay to be in his, for all the reasons you mentioned.

It's not going to work. 

What will happen, is that you or him will become more and more resentful and unhappy and you will become further and further apart.

Going to marriage counselling will not fix this. How can you fix your husband missing his country and his family and friends and his familiar surroundings of his country?

You need to speak seriously with your husband on divorcing and how that might work with your child.

This isn't going to go away.

[SherrySher]

40 minutes ago, gamon said:

Either you don't save very much, or plane tickets have gotten really expensive.

Plane tickets are expensive, even more so depending on what country you're coming from and going to.

My son is visiting me this Summer and just spent $3000 on his ticket.

Most family's are barely getting by with high living costs, not many have the luxury of being able to save thousands for travelling.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Plane tickets are expensive, even more so depending on what country you're coming from and going to.

My son is visiting me this Summer and just spent $3000 on his ticket.

Most family's are barely getting by with high living costs, not many have the luxury of being able to save thousands for travelling.

Also she said they paid for her expenses. 

[SherrySher]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also she said they paid for her expenses. 

Yeah, it can get really costly.

So many hidden costs people don't take into consideration.

It can really add up. 

[MissCanuck]

21 hours ago, SherrySher said:

it can get really costly.

So many hidden costs people don't take into consideration.

It can really add up.

Yes, exactly. And also, salaries are very low in some countries - and it sounds like that may be the case for OP's home country. It doesn't always leave much to save each month. 

On 4/29/2023 at 12:04 PM, FrancesPrances said:

Are we going to stay living in this very expensive city where he works so hard at a job that pays him badly? And, specifically, will we stay in our little apartment, or even in the country.

Would you consider looking for housing in a lower-cost town nearby? There might be room for compromise here. 

[Anonymous]

You have a newly single sister, adoring parents/family, and live in an expensive city. Why not buy a home together/family investment, that has independent suites built into it. You will own it, it's an investment, and you are not renting/giving your money to someone else. This will help with the savings, so he will be able to see his family, and have a guest room for when they come and visit.

I live in the most expensive city in Canada if not the world...Vancouver/lower mainland. The majority of homes are multi generational and have basement suites/carriage homes above garages to help pay the mortgage. Some AirBnB their suites like my neighbour for extra money.