Advice on long distance dating

[jazz_lover]

Location based dating apps can be a bit deceiving and last weekend I swiped right on a girl who was visiting her family in London but is actually doing a PhD in Amsterdam. She was quite a bit younger than me so that combined with her location put me off a little and she made a lot of the initial running initiating most of the texts and saying she liked me and wanted to meet up. So I relented and agreed to a walk after work on Tuesday. 

I was surprised how much I ended up liking her. She wears her heart on her sleeves, is endearingly shy and also a little impulsive and emotional which I like. She is also very straightforward and direct which is quite refreshing.. She made it clear that she isn't looking for anything casual and also said that I would have to be patient with the physical side of things as she takes some time to trust and feel comfortable with someone and she mentioned she'd had some bad experiences of men forcing themselves on her in the past. She also said she was a little worried about the age difference and said that she was worried that white guys only like her because she is "exotic" so wanted to make sure I don't have a fetish or something. So very open about her insecurities and fears etc. 

She texted me minutes after the date ended and we texted a bit more that evening and she was keen to see me again before she went back to Amsterdam. So we met again and she opened up a little more and asked if she could kiss me on the cheek and when she asked about my parents and I mentioned my father had passed away five years ago instead of being embarrassed and saying "sorry I didn't know" she gave me a quick hug which I thought was adorable. We talked a bit about the distance and she said that she has a research project in Cambridge so will be in the UK from time to time as well as visiting family and invited me to visit her in Amsterdam whenever I want (with the proviso for the next few months she had academic conferences most weekends). She also said that she wasn't planning to date anyone else and had left the app but if I wanted to I should let her know but said if I ended up sleeping with anyone else she was out of there. 

So I guess my questions are whether this is something worth pursuing.

My worries are:

1 . We will mostly be keeping in touch via texting. We've texted a lot since the weekend as I think we both wanted to get to know each other and accelerate things as she was only in London for a week. But it isn't sustainable and I worry we will both get bored of it especially with the imbalance between time texting versus time actually spent together. I did date a girl last year who went back home for the summer and we did fine keeping in touch via text over the summer but we'd already dated for a few months before that so had an established bond. Also in all honesty I am not much of a talker. I'm a good listener and I am good company. But the good company part isn't much use if its mostly text/calls between dates that may be weeks apart. 

2. I can see a few signs of immaturity e.g. sending me a few sexy photos without me asking for them (nothing too explicit, but still), getting upset if I take too long to reply because I am doing other things, abruptly ending text conversations if I say something that upsets her a little and generally being a bit touchy and over sensitive etc.  I am quite used to this kind of stuff as I have had a few exes who were a little insecure and needy and I prefer it to avoidant and distant and disinterested. But these things will be harder over a long distance.

3. Because of the distance it will mean spending lots of time together sporadically rather than the usual dating procedure of spending short amounts of time with each other once or twice a week. And generally I have had no experience whatsoever of long distance dating/relationships so have no idea how they work and what I am potentially letting myself in for. 

4. She seems quite serious and intense and inexperienced and has only had 2 relationships and next to no experience dating. So if I go into it with the philosophy that it might be exciting and fun and I won't be too disappointed if the distance becomes too much of an issue or we don't find the time and it doesn't work out (but obviously nice if it does) she might have greater hopes and expectations from it and get hurt and disappointed if it doesn't work out.

On the other hand already I am a little smitten and she is super intelligent and very pretty and sweet and while she is in Amsterdam for the next year or so beyond that she 

Does anyone have any advice re long distance they could share with me?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's too soon to start planning out a LDR. Take it as it comes. If you're the hometown guy when she visits family and you're up for it, that's fine.

However be prepared that someone who's already sending you racy pics is not living in a convent in Amsterdam. Chat, have fun while it lasts but keep dating locally.

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Does anyone have any advice re long distance they could share with me?

 

Yes. Dont count on it seriously. There is no point in serious investment if she will not go to London or you to Amsterdam full time, and just maybe see from time to time and text and call in between. Long-distance is exhausting and you miss quite a few things that you would find out about the person if you are not long distance and see each other a lot. So if you both are not serious about it, dont do it. Also, quite a few red flags there, including casual racism.

Also, also, what happened to "Posh Spice" London woman? There was another thread about paying on dates so we remembered your case and was wondering what happened to it?

 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry, but it's bordering on ridiculous to be having conversations like this with a person you've only met once, for a walk after work.  

If you want to date a person who lives far away from you, the only way to do it is to just get together when it works and live your life, including dating local people, when it's not.  

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry, but it's bordering on ridiculous to be having conversations like this with a person you've only met once, for a walk after work.  

If you want to date a person who lives far away from you, the only way to do it is to just get together when it works and live your life, including dating local people, when it's not.  

I agree.  And I find it weird that she says she wants to take things slowly but is sending explicit photos? Have you googled her to confirm she is who she says she is? Also way TMI about the so-called "fetish." I don't think she's a good candidate for an exclusive LDR.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

getting upset if I take too long to reply because I am doing other things, abruptly ending text conversations if I say something that upsets her a little and generally being a bit touchy and over sensitive

All of this from a person you barely know and aren't dating?

4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I am quite used to this kind of stuff as I have had a few exes who were a little insecure and needy and I prefer it to avoidant and distant and disinterested

So, how did those relationships work out? This young lady is basically a stranger to you and is already giving you grief. Ignore this red flag at your own risk. 

4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

sending me a few sexy photos without me asking for them (nothing too explicit, but still

This tells me she lacks good sense. As women, we have to be very careful about who we send these things to. She doesn't know you from the next guy and is sending you adult-themed photos, which suggests she doesn't have many boundaries and her judgment is off.  That's a reflection of her overall character, so think very carefully about this. 

You're getting way ahead of yourself trying to visualize a LDR here. She is shaping up to be another one of your problematic dating experiences, which you have a history of. Your past threads suggest you don't choose very wisely for yourself with women. My personal opinion is that you're about to do that again with this one. 

[Andrina]

22 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She is also very straightforward and direct which is quite refreshing.. She made it clear that she isn't looking for anything casual and also said that I would have to be patient with the physical side of things as she takes some time to trust and feel comfortable with someone and she mentioned she'd had some bad experiences of men forcing themselves on her in the past. She also said she was a little worried about the age difference and said that she was worried that white guys only like her because she is "exotic" so wanted to make sure I don't have a fetish or something. So very open about her insecurities and fears etc. 

Due to the chemistry and her attractiveness, what you see as refreshingly straightforward and open, anybody else not in your position will see as red flags. She comes with not one, but many warning labels.

When things don't make sense, beware. Why does an attractive woman who supposedly has a lot going for her choose to seek out someone long distance, and then decide after a few hours of togetherness, that she will not date anyone else?

You'll be spending a lot of money on a very high risk situation. 

Besides all the downsides of LDRs, you're letting your sparks for her cloud your judgement. She sent sexy photos to a new acquaintance, so don't you think she's well practiced at it? You're taking everything she's said as factual when she could be feeding you lines of BS. She's a stranger, and as said, it will take far longer to know the real person in an LDR.

I stuck to local dating when I was single, and I give that same advice to everyone.

[jazz_lover]

Her academic background checks out and it is very impressive. 
 

She recently came out of a five year relationship which was long distance for last two years so maybe that’s where she picked up the habit of sending random provocative photos. She sends as view once with no way of saving or taking screenshots etc but agree it seems ill advised with a stranger. 
 

I find it hard to reconcile that she was so shy and nervous on our dates but so forward and flirty via text and calls. But maybe from a distance she feels in control and that’s why long distance is her jam. 
 

She asked me the other day if I was chatting to anyone else on the apps saying she’d deleted the app. I said I hadn’t come off the app but was mostly talking to her. She pretended she was ok with this but today said she’d decided to go back on the app and sent me screenshots of the guys she’d matched with and conversations where they’d complimented her etc. 

So doesn’t seem like she’s mature enough for non exclusive dating on the occasions she’s visiting UK and she is bombarding me with texts and photos even though I told her I had a family event all this weekend. 
 

As for why she isn’t looking locally I guess she doesn’t speak the language and her two exes were English and she grew up in the UK so maybe she feels more comfortable with English guys. Although I do perhaps feel it is an avoidant strategy as she seems to feel a lot more confident and comfortable texting and talking on the phone than being on an actual date. 

I don’t know whether it’s worth being blunt and saying I’m not looking for a pen pal and we can go on dates when she’s in the UK and im happy to visit her in Amsterdam in the summer but don’t have the time for hours of texting and talking during the day and cannot offer exclusivity. 

It’s partly my fault of course as I’ve indulged her a little as I was texting her a lot while she was in the UK as I knew she was going back at the end of the week and she’s very funny and intellectually stimulating at times 

[Wiseman2]

Think of it as getting some ice cream, not a meal.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

 today said she’d decided to go back on the app and sent me screenshots of the guys she’d matched with and conversations where they’d complimented her etc. 

Are you sure she's not drumming up business for OnlyFans? Forwarding you her dating app 'compliments' and giving you a little preview of racy pics sure sounds like it.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She pretended she was ok with this but today said she’d decided to go back on the app and sent me screenshots of the guys she’d matched with and conversations where they’d complimented her etc. 

And you dont find that, hm, disturbing?

That somebody wants to make you jealous and sends you the pics of other men she matched and conversations with them? Wonder how would she feel if you did the same? 

She is a mess and all over the place.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I don’t know whether it’s worth being blunt and saying I’m not looking for a pen pal and we can go on dates when she’s in the UK and im happy to visit her in Amsterdam

Why even bother?

She's not playing with a full deck. You need to set the bar higher and discard women who show you lots of red flags right away. Your problem here is that you don't heed the warning signs and weed out women who are not viable options for any sort of fling or relationship. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She recently came out of a five year relationship which was long distance for last two years so maybe that’s where she picked up the habit of sending random provocative photos. She sends as view once with no way of saving or taking screenshots etc but agree it seems ill advised with a stranger. 

If she's so "smart" academically then this is not just a "habit she picked up" -she is choosing to send you these photos and it's incredibly childish to send you photos from the apps - what about this is appealing to you - it takes a lot of serious time and work to make long distance work and a hefty dose of adulting and maturity -can you imagine a steady diet of her "habit" of interacting with you by sending photos and "proving" to you how awesome and desirable she is.

Next she'll make up some story about her professor is flirting with her and sending her photos of his private parts which will show up on your phone.  As far as the "one time only" oh please -once out, they are out.

I'd also say to check if she is impersonating an enrolled student but why bother -she's a mess and I agree with the others. Also please know she's going to be sharing photos of you all over -obviously not private parts as you wouldn't send her those but she obviously has no discretion about herself or others.

[jazz_lover]

I haven’t sent her any explicit photos of myself and don’t ask for any from her. I’m not even sexting her so there is no context for them she just randomly sends them mid conversation and I do not comment on them and a little later she’ll send another. It is very strange behaviour and nothing I’ve ever seen before. 
 

I don’t think she is impersonating anyone because we’ve had intellectual chats on the phone and she is incredibly smart and when she’s talking about her subject area it’s clear she knows what she’s talking about and is fascinating. Perhaps there is something calculating in her use of photos and it is more than just childish attention seeking or poor impulse control but yeah I can see it’s disturbing and even for something casual this is more effort than it’s worth. It’s just all quite bizarre. Especially as on our dates she was so shy and nervous and skittish. 
 

Oh and she clearly didn’t like my refusal to her ultimatum to get off the dating apps as haven’t heard anything from her today. 

[jazz_lover]

Oh just got a voice note from her saying she could see from my WhatsApp statuses that I was busy with family but said when I’m back in London we have a lot to talk about. She was trying to sound breezy but also sounded a bit hurt. 

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Oh just got a voice note from her saying she could see from my WhatsApp statuses that I was busy with family but said when I’m back in London we have a lot to talk about. She was trying to sound breezy but also sounded a bit hurt. 

Run now.  Don't have this talk with a near stranger who lives far away.  She is not acting in a stable way overall and specifically with her cryptic message and please do not let yourself get dragged into this even if she is super hot looking.  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

just got a voice note from her saying she could see from my WhatsApp statuses that I was busy with family but said when I’m back in London we have a lot to talk about.

And? What are you doing to do about this?

There's a part of me that wonders if you like it. It makes you feel wanted. I say that because looking at your past threads, you seem to engage in a lot of drama with the women you date. 

 

[smackie9]

Dude this is just the calm before the $%^& storm.

[jazz_lover]

She sent me some photos of Amsterdam today I commented on a few and she gave cold one word responses and then said we still need to have that talk. Curiosity got the better of me. 
 

She told me off for saying last night that I’d rather talk about it another time as I was tired and was at my aunts and everyone was sleeping and I didn’t want to whisper.
 

She said I should have realised that it was important to her in that moment and been more diplomatic. She then said that she wants to know my intentions in talking to other women as she doesn’t want to waste her time and hear down the line things have developed with other women and even if they are just backup options it doesn’t sit well with her. She said she won’t stop me talking with them because we are adults and make our own choices but I shouldn’t make her feel that I really like her if I’m not serious or not sure about her. 

It is tough because she is gorgeous and she is highly intelligent and able to stimulate me intellectually and has a great sense of humour but agree this is too much drama too soon and I’m getting a bit of deja vu. 

[Batya33]

It sounds like you’re inordinately focused on gorgeous.  Intellectual smart are not the same as emotional smarts. She might have those but is choosing to play games or she doesn’t have those and this is how it presents. Either way there are other women you can have intellectually stimulating conversations and banter with AND they will not act unstable as a first impression.  I’d end all interactions right now. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, jazz_lover said:

I’m getting a bit of deja vu.

And yet, you keep going back for more. 

If you like this, and you sure seem to, have at it. But, understand that you're just as drama-seeking as they are. 

[smackie9]

She knows how to lure men. She on that psychopathic level, where she read you, figured out what to say and do all the right things to hook you in. Can't you see it? Dude she's extremely manipulative...she uses her looks like a carrot on a stick. You gettin played like a fiddle.

[boltnrun]

Do you find this drama exciting? Do you prefer drama over a secure love relationship? Do extreme highs and lows get your adrenaline pumping? Do you crave attention even if it's negative? Do you think she's doing all these things because she's so crazy about you?

You've spent a handful of hours with this young woman and she's already pulling this nutty crap. And instead of being turned off you seem to want more. That's fine if that's what turns you on, but be prepared for the down side of this "exciting" drama. 

[Andrina]

If nobody's advice sways you, even though there is no married person in the picture, streaming the movie Fatal Attraction might give you a possible peek into the crystal ball of a future with this PHD candidate who somehow has oodles of free time to bombard you with texts and photos.

[jazz_lover]

Haha well a bunny boiler is the last thing I want on my plate (or should that be stock pot!).

I wish it were so easy to find women who can challenge me intellectually, make me laugh and give me butterflies. And I think perhaps I do like a little bit of drama. But yes it does seem clear this one is nuts and I have probably only seen the tip of the iceberg and it would only get a lot worse. 

So I told her that I don't think we'd be good for each other and I think I'd rather date someone local and apologised for wasting her time.