I am not sure if my friend likes me because of this one thing

[Norahg]

We met at my university a few months ago. He was an exchange student and we have kept in contact since he left two months ago. We've grown even closer since - we talk all day on insta dms and at the end of the day we usually video call. There were some times where we knew we wouldn't be available during the evening/night so we set up calls during the day. We've had two hour video calls everyday for at least two weeks in a row. A few days ago we had a six hour call.

When it comes to attraction, I know that sexually, we are attracted to each other. Because, well, we've had sex. I know how this sounds, but we talked about it extensively and we agreed that we do not have any romantic feelings involved and that our friendship is too important.

The way I feel about him is weird. I've talked to a few friends (obviously not mutual friends) and explained it and they said it makes sense; As a friend, I love him more than I can explain, and I know he does too, but when I think about him in a romantic setting, I can't help but think it's absurd. I genuinely try and tell myself 'imagine holding his hand, imaging dating him' and I do, then feel nothing in particular. I do not like him, currently - but I know that if he told me he sees me in a romantic way I'd try and date him. I know that I'd be able to try, not knowing if I'd actually feel anything.

There are so many signs that he does like me, but one thing that makes me doubt is the fact we keep talking extensively about the people we sleep with. We send each other messages saying we are 'currently naked', share stories about it, etc. If you like someone, wouldn't that be something you don't share? Am I wrong? Could he be talking to me about sleeping with other people and still like me?

We talk all day, says how I am the person who knows him best, he notices things about me and asks about them, makes plans to go to events together and visiting each other, he wants to know that I prefer him over my FWB, and make sure that I see him as my best friend. I made a joke about a vibrator being my best friend and he asked if he's being replaced. He genuinely listens to me infodump about my favourite shows with this certain smile, jokes about me flirting with him by reading into things I say. He makes sure I know I am important to him and wants to know that he's important to me. He recently even slipped and said he thinks about the time we slept together 'fondly' which is a great shift in tone from 'I regret it because we shouldn't have.', which he said not so long ago.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Norahg said:

 We send each other messages saying we are 'currently naked', share stories about it, etc. he wants to know that I prefer him over my FWB.I made a joke about a vibrator being my best friend.

It seems like long distance sexting. Do you have a local BF or FWB? 

If you enjoy the interaction and sexting that's fine as long as you can remain objective and have time for real life friends and relationships.

[MissCanuck]

I think you are not being honest with yourself about your feelings for him. 

The way I read it, you like him and have feelings. But you tell yourself that you don't to avoid getting hurt in case he doesn't feel the same way. 

6 minutes ago, Norahg said:

we keep talking extensively about the people we sleep with. We send each other messages saying we are 'currently naked', share stories about it, etc. If you like someone, wouldn't that be something you don't share? Am I wrong? Could he be talking to me about sleeping with other people and still like me?

I find that really weird, to be honest. Why are you indulging this? It sounds like he enjoys being thought of as a lothario and you're playing right into that. This seems to be an ego trip for him. 

He lives abroad, right? So I would ask yourself what you hope will come of this. It seems there is very little potential for anything of substance to develop. It will probaby hurt you a lot if someday he starts dating someone and lets you fade away. Digital flings have an expiration date. Be careful with your heart here. 

[Norahg]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like long distance sexting. Do you have a local BF or FWB? 

If you enjoy the interaction and sexting that's fine as long as you can remain objective and have time for real life friends and relationships.

I've got a non-exclusive FWB, and my girlfriend broke up with me in February so I am not looking for anything serious currently, but would like to be ready to date again in the future. 

 

I can see why this would be considered sexting, but the vibe is completely different, the way I see and do it is in a jokey manner and he does too. The way we write it is usually something like 'nakey' or 'currently naked' so it's not in a sensual manner

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Norahg said:

I've got a non-exclusive FWB, and my girlfriend broke up with me in February so I am not looking for anything serious currently, 

Ok so this is just filling a void through shared sexual fantasies and talk. That's ok because you both know this is not going to lead to anything. Are you bisexual? 

[Norahg]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you are not being honest with yourself about your feelings for him. 

The way I read it, you like him and have feelings. But you tell yourself that you don't to avoid getting hurt in case he doesn't feel the same way. 

I find that really weird, to be honest. Why are you indulging this? It sounds like he enjoys being thought of as a lothario and you're playing right into that. This seems to be an ego trip for him. 

He lives abroad, right? So I would ask yourself what you hope will come of this. It seems there is very little potential for anything of substance to develop. It will probaby hurt you a lot if someday he starts dating someone and lets you fade away. Digital flings have an expiration date. Be careful with your heart here. 

Thanks for the input! I do get why you'd say I have feelings for him, - if I saw someone else post this I'd think the same thing - but I know I don't as after we had sex I had a little crisis about it and genuinely thought I might like him that way. I told myself that instead of denying it, I should let myself process the thought, hang out with him, and see what I feel. I didn't feel any romantic attraction, and I still don't. 

 

- the texting thing started from us wanting to know if the other one got home safely from a night out. Some nights out we'd just end up at other people's houses, and so that habit began. We are both very open about our sexualities and I know it's not an ego thing because of just how he talks about it - the vibe is definitely not a suggestive one. Besides, if anything, I get around more than him, so I'd be the one with the ego trip around here, if there were any. 

 

He's actually coming back next year for his masters - he'd be here for the whole year and then will try to find work in the country. Right now he's not looking for anything serious, but the thought of us being in a relationship with other people and the way it would affect our friendship crossed my mind - not because he'd let us fade away, but because I cannot possibly see how we'll be able to upkeep this amount of interaction without making a significant other jealous. 

[Norahg]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok so this is just filling a void through shared sexual fantasies and talk. That's ok because you both know this is not going to lead to anything. Are you bisexual? 

The thing is, I know what I feel for him, it's just hard to know what he feels for me, because sometimes he just says things that sound very intense.

He has said that he misses our friend group, so much, but the way he misses me is so much more intense. He said that his ex (who he had known for five years and dated for three and a half) knows the old him best, and I know the new him best. 

Yeah, we are both bi 🙂

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Norahg said:

, it's just hard to know what he feels for me, because sometimes he just says things that sound very intense.Yeah, we are both bi 

🙂

Are either of you unclear about whether you just want same-sex sex without a relationship? In other words you want to have sex and sexual conversations, but want to deny there's anything more than a friendship? That's a common dilemma in downlow situations. But you claim you're both open (out of the closet) about your sexualities?

[Norahg]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are either of you unclear about whether you just want same-sex sex without a relationship? In other words you want to have sex and sexual conversations, but want to deny there's anything more than a friendship? That's a common dilemma in downlow situations. But you claim you're both open (out of the closet) about your sexualities?

Oh, I'm a woman - I probably should've made it clearer. I'm a 20 year old woman and he's a 21 year old man. 

 

It seems like our sexual past has just ingrained itself into the friendship and it's a thing we discuss like our uni work or our favourite tv shows. It genuinely feels like another conversation topic. 

We had sex once, then decided that as there are no romantic feelings we shouldn't do it again so it won't get messy and ruin our friendship. And even if we have conversations about sex, they're not really of a sexual nature- they're very light, and our goal isn't to turn each other on or be sexy, but to just share with each other/make each other laugh. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Norahg said:

 I'm a 20 year old woman and he's a 21 year old man. We had sex once, then decided that  there are no romantic feelings., but to just share with each other/make each other laugh. 

Ok so it's just filling a void between relationships. You're not in the same place so there's no risk of this going anywhere that would jeopardize your FWB situation or future relationships. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Norahg said:

There are so many signs that he does like me, but one thing that makes me doubt is the fact we keep talking extensively about the people we sleep with. We send each other messages saying we are 'currently naked', share stories about it, etc. If you like someone, wouldn't that be something you don't share? Am I wrong? Could he be talking to me about sleeping with other people and still like me?

 

Not in a serious way, no. If he would be trying to be with you for real, he wouldnt be talking about sleeping with other people. Which means that he doesnt care about being with you, but just about sleeping with you.

[Batya33]

I agree with Kwok and OP I think you're overanalyzing this whole distinction between being attracted for dating purposes vs. sex.  I think it's simple - you enjoy the flirting, you enjoyed having sex with him when you're in person, you enjoy describing your sexual experiences to each other. But you don't see him as a potential partner. OK.

What I think muddies the waters here is you like the having your cake and eating it too -this whole interaction where you get to see if he is "interested" in dating you (I don't think he is) and the tiltillating playing around with sex stories.  Plus since you seem to be into having casual sex/multiple sex partners and after awhile all of that likely is muddying up in your head what you might really want -you go around having sex, then talk about that and pleasuring yourself with this friend you also had sex with and so it doesn't surprise me at all you're now not even sure what you want. 

My sense is you want a partner but that would take work, effort and having reasonable boundaries and being so much more vulnerable -you're able to dish about all your sex partners with him becuse you think you're able to separate sex from emotions but if you dated someone (not him  -you're barking up the wrong tree -he's a chat buddy who has fond memories of orgasming with you) - but if you dated someone that would mean getting to know a human being in total not just his private parts that you can dish about later, and opening yourself up to being hurt if that person doesn't accept you as a person and potential date/partner.  

Decide what your goals are.  If it's to have multiple sex partners, have at it.  I'd be really careful about unloading all the lascivious details of your sex acts with others and yourself on this long distance person - at some point in your life you might not want others to know all that information about you and you don't know if he'll post it on social media etc (also hopefully you're not sharing photos).  If you think you want a partner consider stopping all the sleeping around/dishing about it and focusing more on getting to know people as people.  

[Norahg]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is you want a partner but that would take work, effort and having reasonable boundaries and being so much more vulnerable -you're able to dish about all your sex partners with him becuse you think you're able to separate sex from emotions but if you dated someone (not him  -you're barking up the wrong tree -he's a chat buddy who has fond memories of orgasming with you) - but if you dated someone that would mean getting to know a human being in total not just his private parts that you can dish about later, and opening yourself up to being hurt if that person doesn't accept you as a person and potential date/partner.  

I know that eventually I do want a partner - I got out of a relationship not so long ago and so I am in no place to be dating again, and I know that this is a time in my life which is temporary. I do know what it's like to feel content with just having this person in the same room, or wanting to do anything to make sure they're alright, and when the thought of holding their hand runs in a parallel line to just how much you enjoy listening to them tell you about their life. I know what it feels when you have sex with emotions, and for a while after I couldn't stomach the idea of having sex with anyone else. And I know what it's like when that person tells you that the only thing they're certain about in their life is you, until they respond less and less, and then remove you from all social media and say they can't be with you. 

In regards to calling him just a 'chat buddy who has fond memories of orgasming with you' - I do understand where you are coming from, but it is such a gross understatement of his character that it makes me laugh. We talk about everything that happens in our lives, we read each others poems and lyrics. I am the first person he tells about his worries and problems and he is mine too. It sometimes feels like we're each others diaries. 

I know the sort of people that you think about when you say that - the kinds that just talk to you about sex, that send you *** pics, that have every conversation be very surface level, very sexual for the sake of being sexual. The way we talk about it is anything but that. 

Quote

Decide what your goals are.  If it's to have multiple sex partners, have at it.  I'd be really careful about unloading all the lascivious details of your sex acts with others and yourself on this long distance person - at some point in your life you might not want others to know all that information about you and you don't know if he'll post it on social media etc (also hopefully you're not sharing photos).  If you think you want a partner consider stopping all the sleeping around/dishing about it and focusing more on getting to know people as people.  

Thank you for the advice 🙂 My current goals, first and foremost, is getting my essays done haha. I am not one to take or share photos of myself, and I know that he has got a very strong moral compass.

I would love to be in a relationship once I'm ready for it, but for now, I just can't have one, it's too early for me. 

[Batya33]

My suggestion is wait to date until you are ready. Until then refrain from sleeping around and having causal sec as it seems to be clouding your judgement in general and about your friend.

Also if it’s such a gross understatement then to be extra careful keep your convo topics non sexual and non sexual topics. You seem to have a lot in common otherwise. why risk these gray areas and stress you’re creating for yourself over whether he wants to date you ?

Here’s an anecdote. In about 2011 my friend’s daughter was in her early 20s.  She’d spent a couple of years sleeping around on and off with different men. One boyfriend but a bad boy type. Then she met a man who was marriage minded as she was.  He was very traditional.  She’d contracted chlamydia from one of her sex partners. She was terrified to tell her new boyfriend. Terrified. She’d stopped having casual sex and they were waiting to have sex and she hadn’t exposed him to any STD.   She went through so much agony about how to tell him all of this and she had to. He’d want to know where she got the std etc. 

she told him. Thank goodness he was ok with it. They’ve been married many years. Is it worth it to go through that or is your attitude that you’re ok with a partner who takes breaks from dating and relationships and during the breaks has multiple partners and chats about his sexual experiences with women “friends?”  Would it be ok with you if your partner continued to do so with his “friends” about his sex with you and insist that it was just one topic of many and you were grossly understating the type of friendship ?  
Turn the tables hypothetically.  If you start dating someone do you then tell this “friend “ ok no more talk about vibrators and sex partners k and if you meet my partner don’t tell him we ever spoke of it and please delete our messages. 
Just consider what you want and what type of person you want to be with. 
 

[smackie9]

There is nothing to worry about unless things change...you can address it if it happens. For now just carry on with whatever this is. 

[SooSad33]

What's 'this one thing'?  Is it all about sex between you two?  Or, is it the future possibilities you may have with him?

I'm just suggesting you tread carefully.  For now, all seems okay with him ( your regular interactions etc). BUT, sometimes guys may just fade away because they start to fancy someone else for real. They do this because they come to realize they're not getting anywhere with you. 

For now, all seems okay between you two.  I am not saying things will change- but they can, so keep that in the back of your mind.  IF he is just that, a 'true' friend, then things may stay this way and all be okay. But, it is normal for women to have the same sex as their actual, true 'friends', over men being so.  This guy may be different and be a good friend for you, which is okay .... But, you two do have a sexual past, at which you crossed the 'friend' boundary.

So, keep on as you are, as you feel things are all okay .  My concern is YOU may come to catch some true feelings for him ( beyond just friends), and stuff like jealousy may surface in time, with all this chatter about other sexual partners, etc.

You're young and you're exploring, that's fine. But pay attention to your inner self, your feelings - as you mentioned, you never deleted the thought of someday.. maybe you could consider being fully involved with him.

 

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, Norahg said:

but because I cannot possibly see how we'll be able to upkeep this amount of interaction without making a significant other jealous. 

Exactly. Realize that what you have has an expiration date. So you either let things fade away so you're not as hurt as if you invest a lengthy amount of time and then one of you pulls the plug.

Because yes, it's not fair to a SO to maintain this intense communication and emotional involvement with someone you boinked in the past. And he might be the one pulling the plug first when he gets a SO. It's to be expected.

Sometimes you have to let your brain override your heart on these matters. You two don't seem slated as each others forever person. It's a youthful dalliance only meant to be temporary, so keep it that way.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Norahg said:

I didn't feel any romantic attraction, and I still don't. 

So, why do you care if he likes you? 

 

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like a FWB situation.  Accept or reject this arrangement.