Lovesickness?

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi everyone, 

Happy Monday😁

Reaching out for thoughts from people with more experience.. I'm a 24 year old woman myself, I haven't really dated in a while and figured I wouldn't for a couple years for all kinds of reasons.

Some days ago I decided to hop on a dating site, completely out of the blue, not expecting to find much. I happened to meet someone I seem to have a great connection with. We've been texting here and there, the banter is great, very like-minded with same goals, we will be meeting on Thursday as I will be out of town until then. 

My problem, I feel sick! I have not yet met the person so I'm not setting expectations, but the interest I do have towards him is making me feel really strange. I've barely ate the last couple of days. Crushes I had as a teenager felt cute and sweet, but if this is a case of "butterflies in stomach", let me tell you, the butterflies have razor blades for wings. 

Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to lessen the effect this has on me?

Sorry if I come across silly, this is very rare for me. 

Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like anxiety, OP. 

Ask yourself what you're nervous about, exactly, and try to view it for what it is: a casual meet-up to see if you like this person enough to see them again. 

[TacticalLinguine]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It sounds like anxiety, OP. 

Ask yourself what you're nervous about, exactly, and try to view it for what it is: a casual meet-up to see if you like this person enough to see them again. 

Can this kind of anxiety be totally subconscious? Mentally I feel alright, a bit distracted, but I'm fairly content otherwise. It's my stomach that is tied up in knots :').

I'll sit myself down later tonight and try make sense of myself.. 

[Batya33]

It's simply nerves based on your image of this stranger you're meeting.  What I would do is grounding stuff -figure out what helps you feel grounded.  For example I used to tell myself again and again I was meeting a stranger and if he asked me out for a real first date I'd take it from there - break things down into tiny steps. 

I have calming rituals - 4-7-8 breathing (google the Weil method), even sometimes pressing each finger of my hands down onto a table or hard surface and focusing on each finger. Whatever works (I did the latter during dental work the other day- it helped).  

This has nothing to do with loving feelings -this is a stranger you typed and talked to via a dating site -I met over 100 strangers through dating sites.  You might enjoy interacting with him/have stuff in common and until you meet you won't know if it makes sense to go on a real first date in the future- with his looks being the least of the reasons IMO.  Also the grounding exercises will help you be your best self at the first meet and your most insightful self because what you're experiencing is self-absorbed and it's hard to listen to someone else sitting across from you if you're all in your feelings/head. 

Good luck and I hope the first meet is pleasant!

[TacticalLinguine]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's simply nerves based on your image of this stranger you're meeting.  What I would do is grounding stuff -figure out what helps you feel grounded.  For example I used to tell myself again and again I was meeting a stranger and if he asked me out for a real first date I'd take it from there - break things down into tiny steps. 

I have calming rituals - 4-7-8 breathing (google the Weil method), even sometimes pressing each finger of my hands down onto a table or hard surface and focusing on each finger. Whatever works (I did the latter during dental work the other day- it helped).  

This has nothing to do with loving feelings -this is a stranger you typed and talked to via a dating site -I met over 100 strangers through dating sites.  You might enjoy interacting with him/have stuff in common and until you meet you won't know if it makes sense to go on a real first date in the future- with his looks being the least of the reasons IMO.  Also the grounding exercises will help you be your best self at the first meet and your most insightful self because what you're experiencing is self-absorbed and it's hard to listen to someone else sitting across from you if you're all in your feelings/head. 

Good luck and I hope the first meet is pleasant!

Thanks! It is definitely not love, I just had no idea what to call it :')

I will look into the self-soothing rituals; I'm fairly certain I came close to an anxiety attack earlier. So I suppose it is anxiety, and a lot of it. I'm truly shocked it's affecting me like this, usually I can keep my cool just fine. I don't know what's going on with me. 

The point about this being entirely self-absorbed really snapped me out of it just now, I need to stop feeling it's all about me and instead give us a chance to connect. 

I will remind myself of this if/when I start experiencing the anxiety again! Thank you again.

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Thanks! It is definitely not love, I just had no idea what to call it :')

I will look into the self-soothing rituals; I'm fairly certain I came close to an anxiety attack earlier. So I suppose it is anxiety, and a lot of it. I'm truly shocked it's affecting me like this, usually I can keep my cool just fine. I don't know what's going on with me. 

The point about this being entirely self-absorbed really snapped me out of it just now, I need to stop feeling it's all about me and instead give us a chance to connect. 

I will remind myself of this if/when I start experiencing the anxiety again! Thank you again.

I mean don't be self absorbed so you can show up look nice be nice and take care of 50% of the convo -do not tell yourself fancy stuff about "chance to connect" - this is a first meet with a stranger to see if in the future you should go on a first date.  You don't have to "connect" -you simply have to have a pleasant convo and if you both feel it makes sense to meet again for an actual date he most likely will ask you and you will accept with enthusiasm.  Then you take it one date at a time.

It's ok to feel anxious and nervous about a new situation like this.

[TacticalLinguine]

I’m back with an update! 
 

Prior to the first date we had a bit of confusion with time and place (some things got lost in text), so 10min before the time I had in mind he postponed the date by an hour. I thought here we go, this is bad. He took note to my attitude change and saw where he mis-read my text. He showed up 30min later with a beautiful bouquet of roses and chocolate. I was so shocked, was not expecting it! It was very sweet. We went for a walk and our date lasted 12 bloody hours. We just talked and laughed. I have no idea where the time went. 
 

We had our third date yesterday! He’s very thoughtful and respectful, funny, intelligent and quirky in his own way. He shows up with a small gift (chocolate etc) every time. Yesterday he brought his 150mil year old dinosaur tooth to show me, we both love dinosaurs, so that was amazing :’). 
 

I’m going with the flow. I really enjoy spending time with him, I feel zero anxiety or fear. I’m not holding my breath, but I hope things continue going well! 
 

Question; our dates last reaaally long. The first one was 12h, last two around 7h. Is that too much? There’s no neediness or desperation on either end, we just really seem to enjoy spending time together. Time just flies. 
 

Thanks for reading! 

[Batya33]

I would see him once or twice a week at most and limit texting in between so you get to know him at a reasonable pace over time. Head in the clouds/feet on the ground -and have fun!!

[smackie9]

You go at the pace you feel is right for you. Glad you are having a great time with this new guy. 

[Andrina]

As far as the lengths of time for each date, the cat's already out of the bag, so why worry now? Just keep having a wait-and-see attitude. Know that this is the honeymoon period so enjoy it for what it is. If it gets past the 4 to 6 months of newness, that's when you will see the reality of the situation. If what is happening is, and should be, longterm or not.

Try to keep having as many dates outside of your homes. Many women regret having sex too soon, but most don't regret waiting a bit longer. Because players whose goal is to bed you and then exit usually don't have the patience to keep on dating with boogie. If he's enjoying your company and enjoys finding out everything about you (healthy topics of course), that's a good sign.

If you find a keeper your first time out, I envy you. When I did OLD, I had to go on dates with about 30 men before finding a keeper. Enjoy!

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi all, 

Me again! Hope you've had a lovely start to the week. 

What's your guys' experience with vacations etc in early stages of dating? I am asking because later this week I will be leaving the country for 10 days for work. The guy in this thread seems keen to keep me around, made some comments about what we shall do after I return and otherwise has a positive outlook on things. 10 days is nothing in the long run, but somehow feels like a lot in this context. 

We have arranged to meet the day before I fly out, go do something depending on the weather and just have a good time. He is even planning on cutting his training short for that date, which means a lot to me. 

Also another thing I wonder at times, I am terrible at this "words of affirmation" thing. All my affection I tend to show through action, but I know how good nice words and comments feel sometimes. Is that something to work on? 

Thanks!

[Jibralta]

On 4/28/2023 at 6:32 AM, TacticalLinguine said:

Question; our dates last reaaally long. The first one was 12h, last two around 7h. Is that too much?

Probably. But it sounds like you're on the right now. You might as well just go with it.

[Batya33]

I think very often it's positive.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and you have great stories to tell when you get back.  I went away for 6 weeks in 1982 and could call my parents once a week long distance (went thousands of miles away out of the US) and called my high school sweetheart not at all -too expensive! I sent him postcards that arrived probably right before I got back. 

In 1990 I went away to club med for 5 days after dating my boyfriend 6 months and we were sort of official but not quite (early 20s).  I don't think I could call from there but saw him two days after I got back -because I chose to go see Janet Jackson with friends when I got back! It was a great way to miss each other and that is when he  told me he was falling for me and wanted to be "official".  I did not hook up with anyone on that trip. 

In 1995 when my future husband and I were dating a few months (first time around dating) I had to go away on business for a week.  We could call and the sweetest thing was we each sent each other flowers -on the same exact day -so he thought actually his flowers were mistakenly sent to him instead of to me LOL.  

My husband and I were long distance for a few years second time around -it was hard at times and mostly positive.

I'd stop overlabeling and boxing yourself into categories about actions vs. word etc.  People who want to be together - find a way - they think outside the labels and boxes because their goal is to give and to show they care. 

I think the best thing to do when one of you is on vacation is -give space. Give the person space to enjoy his or her trip.  Give the person space to miss you.  Show the person you have a fun fulfilng life without the person and you are resilient -that you will miss the person but your goal is for the person to enjoy him or herself and come back with great photos and stories and not worry at all at being obligated to call to "check in."  JMHO.

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I know how good nice words and comments feel sometimes

Of course, it's nice to occasionally make a genuine remark to compliment someone on their clothing, or if they have pretty eyes, or on their cooking, etc. It doesn't take much effort. Don't you appreciate the same?

 

15 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

What's your guys' experience with vacations etc in early stages of dating? I am asking because later this week I will be leaving the country for 10 days for work.

Not really sure what you're asking here. But in my opinion, the business trip should be irrelevant for anyone who is into you and wants the dating situation to continue upon your return.

If each of you have a comfort level of the amount of communication you've established, continue with the same pattern.

[TacticalLinguine]

6 hours ago, Andrina said:

Of course, it's nice to occasionally make a genuine remark to compliment someone on their clothing, or if they have pretty eyes, or on their cooking, etc. It doesn't take much effort. Don't you appreciate the same?

 

Not really sure what you're asking here. But in my opinion, the business trip should be irrelevant for anyone who is into you and wants the dating situation to continue upon your return.

If each of you have a comfort level of the amount of communication you've established, continue with the same pattern.

Of course I appreciate compliments. To me it does take a lot of effort to verbally convey such things, hence I was asking if that is something I should improve at. 

Regards to the trip - I am feeling a bit anxious I suppose and looked for reassurance. Most people have traded me for somebody else for all kinds of reasons in the past, I guess I have a hard time seeing a different outcome sometimes.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Of course I appreciate compliments. To me it does take a lot of effort to verbally convey such things, hence I was asking if that is something I should improve at. 

Regards to the trip - I am feeling a bit anxious I suppose and looked for reassurance. Most people have traded me for somebody else for all kinds of reasons in the past, I guess I have a hard time seeing a different outcome sometimes.

Yes it's hard to not dwell on negative dating experiences in the past.  Going away on a trip has nothing to do with this nor does it increase the risk  -with rare exception whomever you are with long term will have vacations/business travel/need to travel to family/social life with friends where you can't be there or it's guys night, etc.  Either you trust the person or you don't, feel secure in the relationship or don't.  Most people don't want to be with their partner 24/7 and certainly don't want to feel tethered to them/need to reassure them constantly if they're going away for a couple of days or longer. -or even sense that level of neediness.

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Most people have traded me for somebody else for all kinds of reasons in the past, I guess I have a hard time seeing a different outcome sometimes.

These words speak of your low self esteem. Traded you? You're only 24, so maybe be realistic that a lot of young people have short term relationships because perhaps they are not ready to be ultra serious yet. Also, it usually takes several dating experiences to know what works and what doesn't.

You're going to have to alter your self-talk for your own good. How about saying that it was in your best interest that none of these men worked out long term? Are there things you've learned from your dating experiences, like red flags you ignored, or if any of them were missing must-haves?

As for this guy you're dating, you survived before meeting him and you will survive if things don't work out. I know it's nerve-wracking to be at this early stage and have hope for someone whose company you enjoy, but there is no fast-forward button, so try to keep a realistic wait-and-see attitude.

Have the mindset that you're a special person, and he needs to treat you well to stay in your life. And then make an equal effort. You don't even know yet if he's worthy of you, so don't cling so hard to an unknown. Time will reveal all.

 

[TacticalLinguine]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

These words speak of your low self esteem. Traded you? You're only 24, so maybe be realistic that a lot of young people have short term relationships because perhaps they are not ready to be ultra serious yet. Also, it usually takes several dating experiences to know what works and what doesn't.

You're going to have to alter your self-talk for your own good. How about saying that it was in your best interest that none of these men worked out long term? Are there things you've learned from your dating experiences, like red flags you ignored, or if any of them were missing must-haves?

As for this guy you're dating, you survived before meeting him and you will survive if things don't work out. I know it's nerve-wracking to be at this early stage and have hope for someone whose company you enjoy, but there is no fast-forward button, so try to keep a realistic wait-and-see attitude.

Have the mindset that you're a special person, and he needs to treat you well to stay in your life. And then make an equal effort. You don't even know yet if he's worthy of you, so don't cling so hard to an unknown. Time will reveal all.

 

Well, I don't feel sorry I "lost" any of those people. I'm being realistic when I say that I was traded; being cheated on and dumped for another multiple times is what I'd consider "trading". I don't see how that says anything about my self-esteem? It is what it is. Me being 24 and young has nothing to do with these kinds of experiences in my opinion. People either have morals or they don't. Being dumped is one thing, being used and betrayed is another. Sure it left a mark on me, but I learned a lot, I know who I am, what I have earned and what I have to offer.

I'm either not good at expressing myself here or you're searching for what isn't there; I'm not scared of things not working out. Sure it would be disappointing, but I'm not holding my breath, I want to be in the moment, and at the same time do what I can so things have a better chance at working out. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. 

--- also an update ---

But talking about fear - he stayed over last night for the first time and we kind of went into some strange territory, I'm not quite sure how to navigate here. It was the 5th date, I had mentioned that he can freely stay over, considering he always arrives home quite late and we work full time. As we were getting ready to sleep, he started telling me he's scared of rushing things. He was a bit tight-lipped at first, but told me he's had bad experiences before with rushing into things and then the flame going out as quickly as it started. That in his mind he should take me out on a nice date, dinner, walk, and then stay over; to him "firsts" are a special thing. That I am important to him and he doesn't want to do something wrong. 

He was not saying it at first, but in the end he explained he doesn't want to get rejected again. That it's happened too much before and he doesn't want to be the cause it happens. I expressed that on my end, I like him, I want to spend time with him and get to know him. I felt like that's all I could've done. I told him he should go home if there's a chance he will regret staying over; I don't want it to have a bad feeling to it. But in the end he told me he really wanted to stay, his mind is just scared. 

Now. This is new to me. This perhaps sounds bad and cocky but more often than not, to me, talk is cheap when actions show uncertainty. He did open up to me a lot and we had a very open conversation about our past fiascos, how we want to keep seeing each other, but the confusion on his end is what concerns me. Should I be more empathetic here? I feel like if he were sure about me, he wouldn't be so confused? He claims he is sure, is keen, and interested, and I can understand the effect bad experiences have on us, but I don't know what to think about the things he told me last night. I hope I don't come across as cold, I do tend to be quite blunt.

The morning was nice, he told me to have a nice trip, to send pictures, and that 10 days will fly by. That of course he wants to see me again. 

I am leaving the country today, I will focus on my work and keep in touch with him where I can. I plan on keeping it fun and care-free, do my thing and take the days as they come. 

What are your thoughts on this? 

[Batya33]

I think he is telling you to beware and proceed with caution - many people have fears related to being vulnerable, the pace of a new relationship -but they choose the person over fear.  That means they don't air dirty laundry early on because they have already decided this is the person I want to get to know, I want to proceed with reasonable confidence and I'm not going to burden her with my baggage/dirty laundry and certainly not with the lame excuse of "being honest" when it's oversharing/self absorbed and/or designed to warn you away.

What do you mean fun and carefree and take it day by day - I mean everyone should do that - and in general if you also want a long term relationship and see serious potential, that goal coexists with fun and carefree.  It's not either or -it's two people on the same page as far as general goals of LTR plus as it develops, specific goals with each other and within that structure -of course day by day -anything can happen right and of course have fun.

But if you mean that since he chose to unload his fears on you as if you were his buddy or therapist not a woman he's trying to get to know for a potentially serious relationship- now you're telling yourself "that's ok I don't really care if this becomes serious I just wanna have fun" -that's likely being very dishonest with yourself and rationalizing.  And settling.

I don't think he's in the least bit confused.  He's clear that he is choosing to share his concerns and fears even if it means he shows you he's not confident about moving forward because he's scared of it not working out (isn't almost everyone?). 

His fears are apparently so strong that they're stronger than his desire to get to know you as an individual and not indulge in "wahhh wahhh nothing ever works out for me therefore this is doomed too". Relationships often take a leap of faith.  He's cowering and burdening you with his fears instead of taking your hand and stepping forward.  

Were this a buddy then of course empathy - but you're not his buddy or his therapist -this is personal to you and you're biased -you want a person who is into this enough that he chooses you over fears.  What are you supposed to do -"reassure" him that you'll never hurt him? Please.

It's good you're going away -keep in touch minimally and see where you are when you get back.  IMO!

[TacticalLinguine]

Hey all, 

Thought I'd shoot another update here. 

I have decided to back away some and give more focus to other options. He says he is keen, still, but his actions confuse me. I don't know what exactly is happening, I just know it doesn't feel good. We have agreed to meet tomorrow to clear out some things, imo there shouldn't really be issues this early on, I will see how it goes, but I'm going to try to keep a clear head and detach from any feelings for now as I do not feel safe being vulnerable. 

I am keeping my side of the street clean, he knows what I'm looking for, that I'm interested, and willing to act. He says the same but the actions, to me, are lacking. For reasons I'm not sure about. I made the mistake of getting into a discussion about it over text, a totally wrong move on my end, I don't think it caused damage, just needless confusion. A lot of things get lost over text.

Will see. I'm disappointed, I hope this is just a misunderstanding, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't have a reason to trust his word, I don't know him like that yet. Trying to look out for myself and be smart this time.

@Batya33I'd like to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, they have helped me a lot in my inner debates! These discussions help me see things I wouldn't notice otherwise, so thank you.