Boyfriend of 4 years wants to breakup

[Vivio]

I've been together with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We had a small fight recently (this isn't our first), leading to him wanting to break up. He told me he could not see a future together anymore and could not make me happy, calling himself a failure. However, it was entirely my fault for the fight. I have a tendency to run away and ignore him when we fight out of fear of getting mad at him. I've been doing it for 4 years every time we fought, and the recent fight made him realise how tired he was. His friend also told me he had been stressed from school lately, which may have worsened the situation. We're currently having a break in our relationship and I came to realise how selfish and immature my behaviour was. I want to sincerely apologise and communicate better with him, and work things out again. But having a stubborn and ambitious personality, he is pretty adamant about breaking up. I'm afraid he may not even listen to me when we meet to talk things out.

I want to save this relationship because I really love him and value this relationship, and I feel that our lack of communication is a big issue that can help to solve this.

Please advise on what I should do.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Vivio said:

. We had a small fight recently (this isn't our first), leading to him wanting to break up.  I've been doing it for 4 years every time we fought, and the recent fight made him realise how tired he was. 

Sorry this is happening. What are the fights about? How old is he? Do you have differences as far as goals?

It doesn't seem like withdrawing from the fights is as big of a problem as having this many fights.

What areas of incompatibility do you feel there are?

[Vivio]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What are the fights about? How old is he? Do you have differences as far as goals?

It doesn't seem like withdrawing from the fights is as big of a problem as having this many fights.

What areas of incompatibility do you feel there are?

Thank you for your reply. I'm really grateful in this desperate time.

We're both 23 this year. Our fights are usually small like not spending enough time with each other. It's usually me who gets angry at him because he's busy with school. He usually has to carry his school projects which means extra work for him, yet I wasn't understanding enough. 

In terms of areas of incompatibility, we're both compatible in terms of goals. We prioritise school, but perhaps the way we convey our dislikes is different. I would express what I don't like about him, and he would fix it, but he wouldn't tell me anything he dislikes about me, always saying it's his fault and I'm perfect the way I am. But this break made me realise how ignorant I was, and that he was always so accommodating to me.

I want to be a better person for him and be there for him when he's struggling. Do you think it is possible to change his mind about breaking up? 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Vivio said:

Our fights are usually small like not spending enough time with each other. It's usually me who gets angry at him because he's busy with school. 

Step back and give him the space he needs. Perhaps he felt too pressured and just needs some breathing room. 

If his studies and profession are priority for him and you wish for more quality time together, it could be a compatibility issue. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Vivio said:

I would express what I don't like about him, and he would fix it,

Did you tell him what you didn't like about him or about something he is doing to you that you didn't like? I would accept that he's had a last straw moment based on your choice to treat conflicts as you do -your choice doesn't work for him long term. Also after 4 years starting as teenagers he may realize in general it's time to move on.  I'm sorry! He knows you are sorry. I'd give him twice the space he seems to need.

[Vivio]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Did you tell him what you didn't like about him or about something he is doing to you that you didn't like? I would accept that he's had a last straw moment based on your choice to treat conflicts as you do -your choice doesn't work for him long term. Also after 4 years starting as teenagers he may realize in general it's time to move on.  I'm sorry! He knows you are sorry. I'd give him twice the space he seems to need.

Something I told him I didn't like was cutting me off when I spoke. I told him it wasn't nice and that he should allow people to speak first instead of cutting them off. 

Yes, I realized the way I treat conflicts doesn't work. I want to change that and start to talk things out with him. But I'm not sure if he's willing to give me a chance to show him that... 

[Vivio]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step back and give him the space he needs. Perhaps he felt too pressured and just needs some breathing room. 

If his studies and profession are priority for him and you wish for more quality time together, it could be a compatibility issue. 

I understand and will reflect on this more before I speak with him. Thank you.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Vivio said:

Something I told him I didn't like was cutting me off when I spoke. I told him it wasn't nice and that he should allow people to speak first instead of cutting them off. 

Yes, I realized the way I treat conflicts doesn't work. I want to change that and start to talk things out with him. But I'm not sure if he's willing to give me a chance to show him that... 

He may not be if it's been many times with no change. I'm sorry! So I have a phrasing suggestion.  If he is interrupting you I would use I statements and not lecture.  "I don't like when you interrupt me when I am speaking.  I feel disrespected when you do that." Here's the truth as I see it- in different cultures and in certain families it's not rude to interrupt - people talk over each other all the time, they talk fast, and the 'cutting off" is not "perfect Miss Manners etiquette" but it's accepted as part of the way the close friends and family talk -even sometimes acquaintances/colleagues.  Depending on the subject. 

I know -my opinion is not popular at all - but I've had these conversations with people in my family, in my "culture" and where I grew up - and we agree -it's not rude-it's simply an over enthusiastic/fast way of speaking. 

Again it depends -if the person says she is upset and wants to explain and the cutting off is done dismissively or literally to make sure the person stops speaking obviously that's not ok but sometimes it's a habit that comes across as really rude but is not.  I've learned as I get older -and now that I'm married to a Type B man who pauses a lot, takes his time - to physically shut my mouth and not fill in silences - which I know is not "cutting off" but it can be perceived that way to a person who takes his time to formulate a response. 

I also wait an extra beat or three before speaking to make sure the person is done.  (Because yes I grew up among loud people who talked fast and routinely interrupted - and almost all of them were really well meaning and in my social circles it was totally fine to do so). 

And - keep in mind that the person if he is on a phone might have a delay and think you were done but you weren't.  My husband, ironically - cuts me off but he thinks it's to show solidarity -to validate -he assumes he knows what I'm going to say next and agrees.  But often I need him to listen to a different point/perspective I'm trying to convey. 

Again, I'd avoid lecturing when you express feelings. Who  cares what other people will think? He's not your child you have to teach general manners to.   

I'm sorry he doesn't seem to want to give you another chance -I know it's frustrating!

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Vivio said:

But having a stubborn and ambitious personality, he is pretty adamant about breaking up. I'm afraid he may not even listen to me when we meet to talk things out.

Just saying you'll change is something an ex might not have confidence in. To show your intent would involve letting him know at minimum which book you're reading on couples communication, and even better, how you're receiving counseling to learn better communication skills.

Playing devil's advocate, maybe you speak too long and he felt a need to interrupt.

You speak of his stubbornness of breaking up being final. In his view, it's likely more that he gave a lot of thought to breaking up, knowing that could mean forever, and he is okay with that. Because you have to realize that a person usually has unconditional love for one's child, but it's not so with a partner. Bitterness, over time, eats away at love like a cancer.

If he decides not to reconcile, respect his wishes and leave him alone. You can still work on your communication skills, in the meantime, for better success with a future partner. Take care.

 

[gamon]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step back and give him the space he needs. Perhaps he felt too pressured and just needs some breathing room.

^^This. But you gotta mean it, it can't be a temporary measure. You sound like the clingy/needy type, he appears to be more avoidant. It can work but compromises need to be made. In this case, since he's got one foot out the door you're going to have to do most of the heavy lifting in order to try to save this.

 

[Lambert]

I am really sorry.  I think the best thing you can do is show a level of maturity by RESPECTING his wishes.

Four years of this:

5 hours ago, Vivio said:

I have a tendency to run away and ignore him when we fight out of fear of getting mad at him.

Can't be fixed with a sincere apology.  

 

5 hours ago, Vivio said:

I came to realise how selfish and immature my behaviour was.

You can't erase four years of behavior that quickly and you're not showing any different by forcing your desires on him. 

You've been together for 4 years and I am guessing it's all during time at UNI.  A lot of these relationships end.  College sweethearts, high school sweethearts etc. don't always make it to a long marriage because it's hard to grow together.  Some people do.  

However, you can't grow as a person by holding on to another person.  It just doesn't work.  there is hope that if you end things with him and truly go work on yourself, you may find in time, you cross paths again.

Holding will only prolong the pain.  Let go with peace.  Grief and then start moving on with your life.  It is painful and I am sorry.  

[Jaunty]

My honest opinion is that this relationship is not salvageable.   Four years of toxic behavior around conflict resolution is not going to be fixed / changed by apologies or good intentions no matter how sincere.  I think the damage is too deep.

If you want to try, the thing to do is to present to him what you intend to do to take care of your side of this issue.  Also be clear about what you would require from him to be fulfilled in the relationship.  

Unfortunately, he will need to want to repair this as much as you do in order for any of that to work, and it seems like he is done.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, Vivio said:

He told me he could not see a future together anymore and could not make me happy, calling himself a failure. However, it was entirely my fault for the fight. I have a tendency to run away and ignore him when we fight out of fear of getting mad at him. I've been doing it for 4 years every time we fought, and the recent fight made him realise how tired he was.

So, lack of communication has broken down this relationship- due to you avoiding facing the problems?

 

8 hours ago, Vivio said:

We're currently having a break in our relationship and I came to realise how selfish and immature my behaviour was. I want to sincerely apologise and communicate better with him, and work things out again.

Sadly, I feel it's too late 😕 .  he's been taking this for 4 years now and has pulled away. I feel is best you respect his wishes, as not much you can do to 'fix it'.

Leave him be to work on accepting this and you do the same - work on accepting this is done now and move on ( in due time).  BUT, do some soul searching and work on your issue's, as respect & communication IS necessary. Something you've come to learn. .. sorry it's come to this.

 

[Cherylyn]

You can try to apologize profusely to him but he may not trust that you'll change and don't be shocked nor surprised if he doesn't change for you either.  It works both ways.  Be prepared for that scenario's outcome.  His breakup wish is not in vain.  Learn from your mistakes and carry this new learned experience to your next relationship.  Live and learn the hard way which is the best way.

As for cutting you off by interrupting you,  I hail from a culture where it's considered rude to talk over people and disregard the other person during their mid-sentence. ☹️  If anyone interrupts me,  I'll say,  "I'm speaking" and this statement generally works.  It stops the other person in their tracks and they'll let me finish.  If it doesn't work,  I repeat myself by saying,  "I'm speaking" for however long it takes to work.  Usually, I don't have to say,  "I'm speaking" more than once or twice at the most.  They pause and wait their turn to speak.  I don't monopolize the conversation while NOT allowing others to interrupt me and if they do,  I say,  "I'm speaking" and they get the message by being quiet.

I no longer beg,  plead,  request nor implore others not to interrupt me during mid-sentence because it doesn't work.  They continue interrupting anyway despite my pleas.  The "I'm speaking" words seem to work for me.  It forces the other person to stop,  wait until I finish my sentence,  I pause and then they speak in that order.  People will only interrupt you if you allow them to.   I don't allow them to interrupt me so it's not a problem for me.   

I remember when my husband was enrolled in a graduate program and employed full time.  Our sons and I stayed out of his way.  I never complained about him not spending enough time with us because I fully supported him.  I did everything by minding the home front.  I was constantly packing home made meals for him to eat on the go whether it was for his studies and work.  Always.  The cooler with freezer packs were always ready for him to transport wherever he was.  In order for him to succeed,  I certainly wasn't going to nag and drag him down.  There is a lot of pressure to graduate and I made sure not to weigh him down with additional,  unnecessary stress.  His success was our future prosperity.  I kept the big picture in the forefront of my mind always.   This was our ultimate goal and for the good of the whole.  His success was my success.  I did everything I could to make it happen for him.   It was a tremendous sacrifice but well worth today's fruition.  Graduation day was never sweeter.  No pain,  no gain.  We reap what we sow.  ☺️

A lot of times,  if two people are different with their values,  principles,  habits,  personalities and characters,  they're incompatible.  It's like trying to mix oil and water.  It won't work.  There will always be a separation of fundamental differences. 

I don't think it's a lack of communication.  It's not communicating well and when there's communication,  it's saying the wrong words,  constant interrupting,  complaining or nagging which tests one's nerves sorely.  

If he wants to breakup,  let him be.  Just know what to do and what not to do in the future and you will be fine. 

 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Vivio said:

I came to realise how selfish and immature my behaviour was. I want to sincerely apologise...

I'd stay with this ^^^ 

Quote

and communicate better with him, and work things out again.

...and I'd put this ^^^ on the back burner for the future, but not right now.

Otherwise, pairing the two would come off as manipulative--as in, I'm apologizing only so I can get what I want.

If he ever gives you the opportunity to speak with him, the apology is where I'd stay--and not even one smidgeon of "...and I want to get back together."

That part needs to come from HIM in order for you to trust it and most especially for HIM to trust that it's truly his choice and not a decision coming from any pressure or influence from you.

Stay 'me' focused, as in, "I recognize this __, I want to change this __ about myself, I want to thank you for showing me what I needed to see...". Keep your desire for reconciliation out of it, and let him reflect on your sincerity in a desire to change without imposing a pressure cooker that prevents him from appreciating your sincerity.

Don't view any encounter through a desperate lens of a last-ditch chance to 'save' anything. It will work against you as selfish and impatient. Skip that, express what you want him to know about what you recognize and want to work on for yourself, and then trust that later reflection (and sentimentality that you have not squelched with pressure) will work in your favor--and if not, any strong-arming to get him back wouldn't have worked anyway.

Head high.

[MissCanuck]

I think this relationship is likely done, OP. 

I don't say that to be unkind. But you two started dating when you were 18 or 19, correct? There is a reason many relationships fizzle out as we grow and change, and drift apart. So while I do think your problems as a couple were the primary reason things fell apart, I also believe he has likely outgrown the relationship in general. 

You will be okay. You are going to need plenty of time to heal but once you do, I think you will see this more clearly and understand that it was best for both of you to move on.

[lostandhurt]

If I were him the first thing I would want to know it: What are/have you done to change and improve?

Just saying you now see how you treated him and conflicts was wrong are just words.  I am sure your school has resources you could avail yourself of and talk to someone about your faults and how you would like to improve yourself.

 Change is possible but it takes time and work.  How much time and how much actual work have you put in?

  Your best bet is to get into some sessions with someone, do a deep dive into yourself and figure out why you were so needy, insecure and a flight risk every time things didn't go well.  He may just hear how you are trying to be a better person and want to get to know this new you.  Simply saying sorry and I won't do it again will not work this time.

 Lost

[smackie9]

Don't push....if he really still wants to work on this he will in time. If he doesn't he won't no matter what words you use or apologies you make. This decision is on him.