Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, swilliams said:

No it’s not nice. I’m feeling mad at myself now

Don't beat yourself up.  But, STOP with the fantasizing about "SOMETHING MORE."  You have engaged in a certain dynamic with this guy, you've participated in creating it, and now you're twisting, spinning and fantasizing about "feelings" he may have and how they magically might blossom into a beautiful romance.

What you are doing is not on track for that at all.    If you want to be on a path towards a committed romantic union with any man, do not start off with a hookup arrangement.  It's like hoping to become a medical doctor by working in the hospital cafeteria. 

[swilliams]

Okay….

then what do I do? Address the feelings with him? 

[Chaeryoung]

7 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Okay….

then what do I do? Address the feelings with him? 

He already knows that you have feelings and he still doesn't want to have a relationship with you. I was in a very similar situation 4 months ago. He was caring, loving, almost perfect on paper, but when it came to taking things to another level, namely a real relationship, he said he cannot do that so I respected his decision and feelings about the situation and disappeared from his life. 

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Okay….

then what do I do? Address the feelings with him? 

I think it's about addressing your feelings with yourself, and then being honest with him. Which generally looks like saying something like, "I appreciate our recent talk, and how honest you've been about where you're at. I've realized that I'm looking for something committed right now in life and want to make room to find that. All the best..."

Or some such.

Point being, you need to stop trying to extract something from him that he has made it very clear he does not have to give. I've been in his shoes, clear as day that I am not interested in a relationship but am interested in intimacy, and have gone on to have lovely, if brief, entanglements with people in the same place. I have also been in your shoes, interested in a relationship with someone who wants only intimacy, and simply let them know and backed away. 

There's really no reason here to be mad at yourself, or at him. It's more about accepting the sour truth that you two are in different places in life, and with each other. That is very common—more common, really, than two people being on the same wavelength. That's why we move on when we're not, so we can find what we're looking for. 

[boltnrun]

31 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Okay….

then what do I do? Address the feelings with him? 

Nope, be honest and address these feelings with yourself. If you want a relationship with him please do not continue giving him sex under the misguided belief that sex will make him want you to be his girlfriend. You already have been giving him sex and he doesn't want a relationship, so it makes no sense to think continuing will get him to change his mind. 

You can just decline the next time he suggests a sex rendezvous or "hanging out". If he asks why, just tell him you realize this situation isn't serving you well and you've decided to step away. If he tries to convince you or tries dangling a false carrot in front of you, do not be taken in. 

Be your own best advocate. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, swilliams said:

Okay….

then what do I do? Address the feelings with him? 

No there's no point as he doesn't want a relationship with you. I'd end the sexual contact and tell him if he is "ready" to date you properly to contact you and if you are still interested and available you two can date and get to know each other.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

He already knows that you have feelings and he still doesn't want to have a relationship with you. I was in a very similar situation 4 months ago. He was caring, loving, almost perfect on paper, but when it came to taking things to another level, namely a real relationship, he said he cannot do that so I respected his decision and feelings about the situation and disappeared from his life. 

I wouldn't call it any less real or a different level if two people decide to have a sexual arrangement (I never did, never would and I respect single consenting adults who choose to!) - people who choose to get together to have sex are doing something real.  There's no higher level if they then choose to be together in a romantic relationship with exclusivity and the potential for the long term -it's simply a different way of relating and being together.

What is unreal is when one person -usually the woman but not always -lies to hersel that she is so cool and totally fine with a sex arrangement with someone she's not close friends with (so it's not "FWB" -that is part of the euphemism she uses to feel better about her choice) and treats herself as lower level by settling for scraps.

 

[swilliams]

Well I opened up and got my answer.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Well I opened up and got my answer.

Did he confirm he wants a sexual arrangement with you? 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Well I opened up and got my answer.

Do you feel comfortable sharing? We are happy to provide support if you want it. 

[swilliams]

I am at working crying. So laugh at me y’all were all right.

 

Things he said

I don't have the answer. I never do. 

I have a great time hanging out. Youre sexy and we have fun. So obviously I'm interested and getting feelings as well. 

But I'm not ready to date. I still see I have my own *** to work out and be focused. 😕 Whenever I'm ready to date, I don't know what that looks like either. 
 

&

Being honest is tough. Lol it's not easy to talk about. I don't have the answer 

I guess selfishly in the past I had a hard time communicating what I want. And realistically, I probably won't "want" to end things because I don't like being alone. It's a anxious low confidence thing I'm working on lol 😳😳

So in the past people just end up dating someone and then someone is hurt. So I don't know the answer here. It's all lose lose win lose. 

Temporarily we are happy having fun and fulfilled but it takes time away from us finding where we need to be as well for our personal goals. 

Hopefully that makes some sense cuz I was really trying to explain. 

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Why would you think we would laugh at you? This isn't funny. 

But...you have a direct answer. He doesn't want a relationship with you, he just likes the sex and companionship WHEN HE WANTS IT. Other than that, nothing. 

I strongly recommend ending this arrangement and then looking into some kind of therapy to figure out why you "always" have abusive relationships and why a man who clearly stated he will not get into a relationship with you was so appealing. And BTW...you are not "fine" with just having sex with him. Please don't lie to yourself in an attempt to "keep" or "convince" him.

I'm sorry you're upset and hurting. 

[swilliams]

Thanks 🥹😭 hurts but glad I POSted here to know what to do

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, swilliams said:

I probably won't "want" to end things because I don't like being alone. It's a anxious low confidence thing I'm working on lol

The important thing you fail to realize, is that you will never have a successful relationship until you are first alone to work on your self-worth, and to build a fulfilling life for now without a partner. This would include finding your own company satisfying, such as trying a new recipe, reading an interesting book or listening to an audio book (I suggest starting with a book on improving your self-worth). Trying a new hobby. Asking girlfriends for get togethers, and if you don't have friends, join activities where you can meet people. Book discussion groups, women's hiking groups, environmental cleanups, etc. When you have achieved a fulfilling life solo, THEN you might be ready to date successfully, because you will wanting to share your happy life with a companion, versus a companion being the only reason you believe you're happy.

For now, you're convinced he supplies you with some happiness, but you wouldn't be here on this forum if this were the type of happiness that is actually good for you.

Ever hear of delayed gratification? It's the mature, adult way of putting in the effort needed to achieve your goal.

Childish behavior is "Gimme! I want it now!!!"

So you don't like being alone? Suck it up. You will survive. And you can move your emotional energy into doing the work on yourself.

Predators can easily spot weak prey. You exude it with your demeanor and acceptance of bread crumbs. How can you stand being in that position? It doesn't have to be this way.

Things have yet to work out in your favor. You've now received numerous advice, all pointing in the same direction. Perhaps you should change things up in your life and follow the majority of opinions. Don't you think that'd be a better plan than repeating the same failing pattern?

[swilliams]

The texts I posted aren’t me….

 

 

he said those things 

[Andrina]

3 minutes ago, swilliams said:

he texts I posted aren’t me….

 

 

he said those things 

I knew the first part was him. Doesn't the second part, though, fit you as well? It seems so, otherwise, you'd have exited this long ago.

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Thanks 🥹😭 hurts but glad I POSted here to know what to do

I'm sorry you're hurting.

But I sincerely hope you've decided to end this casual sex arrangement. If you proceed I fear there's a world more of hurt in store for you. Please choose to protect yourself. 

[MissCanuck]

44 minutes ago, swilliams said:

I am at working crying. So laugh at me y’all were all right.

Nobody is going to laugh at you, OP. 

But you really do need to stop seeing him. 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, swilliams said:

 I probably won't "want" to end things because I don't like being alone. 

Temporarily we are happy having fun and fulfilled 

That's ok. He was honest and that's a good thing. It's ok to enjoy something in the moment.  You are still free to date others.

If you are having fun, think of this as renting a car rather than shopping for one to buy. 

It's not bad to want a relationship, it's not bad to have fun in the moment.

You already heard the truth and unfortunately it stung because you were disappointed. But if you can manage to think of this as ephemeral entertainment rather than a relationship, you may be able to manage.

[Cherylyn]

The bottom line is this:  Both of you have a sexual agreement.  That's it.   It doesn't matter how you feel emotional towards him because he has made it clear to you that he's not interested in any more than having sex with you.  No more,  no less.  Either keep it simple and accept this agreement and arrangement as is or dissolve and exit this FWB altogether.  It is all he is willing to offer.  Take it or leave it.

[boltnrun]

I don't think continuing is a good idea. I can't see how you'd be able to quash your feelings and pretend all you want is sex. 

And what about when he finds someone he does want to date? If you can honestly say it wouldn't bother you one bit to see him being loving and affectionate toward a new girlfriend then I guess keep going. But if that would hurt please step away. 

[swilliams]

I’m not seeing him anymore bht I’m not ok

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, swilliams said:

I’m not seeing him anymore bht I’m not ok

It's normal to feel sadness, hurt and disappointment. But it would hurt a million times more if you continued and had it end badly. 

I suggest spending time with friends and family (if you have family nearby). Do something fun that will get you laughing. One thing that gets me every time is trying to play sports. I love sports but I have zero athletic ability so it's a hoot when I try to play baseball or ski. 

I hope you feel better soon.

[swilliams]

Thanks.

 

we talked in person it was very awkward. Claimed it was hard for him too but it was me there crying 🤨 probably just telling me whatever 

[boltnrun]

Yeah, he probably thought calling you "sexy" was a great compliment and was enough to keep you giving him sex 🙄

I'm glad you decided to stop seeing him.