Reconnecting with an ex after several years of therapy. Is she just lonely?

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

See this is exactly my point. So why was I encouraged to even meet with her?

 

it’s always this way. Eventually people finally get it and agree with me that it’s dangerous 

I have all of the answers and accurate conclusions. I always do 

Because I didn't have this information.

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because I didn't have this information.

Neither did I until she called. Yet I still knew

 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

  “I don’t even want a relationship at this point.  Like what am I supposed to do, trust you’re* putting in the work you learned in therapy and then we get together and it’s a big mess? I’d rather just be alone and live isolated by myself and just keep friends so there’s no drama

Sorry this happened. Is she still coming to visit? It's great to be a supportive friend, but she should save a lot of this for her healthcare providers.

If she's crying on your shoulder too much about the breakup with her GF, maybe it's time to step back.

Especially since it seems you're interested in some sort of relationship and you already expressed fears of "being used".

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Neither did I until she called. Yet I still knew

 

 

Right but I gave my input without knowing. What you sensed or knew didn't come through from what you typed.  What did come through was your reluctance to ask her directly what her intentions were. That is what I responded to.

[NighttimeNightmare]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Is she still coming to visit? It's great to be a supportive friend, but she should save a lot of this for her healthcare providers.

If she's crying on your shoulder too much about the breakup with her GF, maybe it's time to step back.

Especially since it seems you're interested in some sort of relationship and you already expressed fears of "being used".

I mean, I’m assuming that (breakup with ex) was what the particular comment was about  but I don’t have concrete proof  

 

they broke up 8 months ago. My assumption was the comment she made was about the girl cause why would she complain to me… about me? It wouldn’t make sense. So I’m assuming that girl must have been in therapy too.. and that was what the comment was about

 

shes never cried to me before, and it was about being overwhelmed with life. Not just the comment about being single. That was just what I focused in on.  I don’t feel I’m her therapist at all. I felt I was being a friend in that moment. She also checks in with me about how I’m doing so…   I have a  tendency to black and white things and do all or nothing statements like I saw she was doing in her venting, so I took note of it and then simply reminded her to go and ground herself because saying “I don’t want xyz” is a black/white response to a grey situation. She didn’t just say she didn’t want a relationship, she didn’t want …. Anything. She was clearly spiraling.  I do it too, I had empathy 

 

but what I’m beginning to realize is she said things to me that I definitely wouldn’t say to platonic friend and she is the one who sent mixed signals (sending lingerie photos, telling me explicit things she misses about me, calling, talking a lot, wanting to visit).  My response to the confusion may not have been the best, but she’s also responsible for not being mindful 

 

If she really does just want friendships, and/or there’s someone else she’s got feelings for she should never have said some of the things she did, or told me over and over she was single, damn. Just leave me where I was. She didn’t have to seek me out again, it’s been over 2 years!

[Batya33]

She didn’t have to seek you out and you didn’t have to respond. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Well obviously, but I missed her and I wanted to respond

 

then it appeared it was turning non-platonic, I got scared and wondered if I was reading too much into it or if it looked like I was being used

 

Now it seems more clear she’s just all over the place and it’s not safe for me to be around with feelings  

thats pretty much it 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Well obviously, but I missed her and I wanted to respond

 

then it appeared it was turning non-platonic, I got scared and wondered if I was reading too much into it or if it looked like I was being used

 

Now it seems more clear she’s just all over the place and it’s not safe for me to be around with feelings  

thats pretty much it 

Right -you took the risks associated with responding.  I agree with your assessment.  Certainly I've been there with being tempted to be in touch again or respond and I've made hard choices not to or to end the contact right away if it takes a certain direction.  Like an ex who was engaged but was flirtatious with me on email, or a married ex who seemed to want to talk about topics that might not lead to appropriate conversation.  It's a choice even if you miss the person.  

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

sending lingerie photos, telling me explicit things she misses about me

Yeah, this is a person playing games for an ego boost, knowing what those things spur inside you. You've been so enamored, you fail to see she does crappy things to people without caring that those people will be hurt. Because if she's done this to you, she seems well practiced.

You're a caring person, but perhaps too caring when you're naive to the fact she's not a good friend, so you shouldn't feel guilty walking away from this supposed friendship.

[NighttimeNightmare]

I’ve got an update to this story

 

It turns out that my ex is in a full-blown relationship with the woman who I thought was an “ex”  and was wondering in my original post why that was being hidden from me  

I found this information out because my ex sent me an Instagram post and as I browsed through her profile, I noticed a photo tag and clicked on it, that’s when I found her gf’s profile 

 

there’s no sign of this woman anywhere on my exes account, but on the woman’s account it’s very clear that they are partnered  

 

I see photos of some trips together that my ex also shared with me, only in the versions she shared with me there’s no sign of anyone around but my ex and she told me she went alone.  But on her gf’s page, clearly they were actually together 

 

my ex told me she was single multiple times, told me this girl is just an “old roomie,” made plans to meet me, told me how much she misses me. Not once was she honest about this relationship  

 

what’s strange to me is we have not spoken in nearly 3 years, the conversation could have literally been “hey it’s been awhile! How’s life,” I’d offer some general updates and ask how her life has been, to which she should be happy to reveal this relationship she’s in. instead she hid it, minimized it, lied to me 

 

My conclusion is she was trying to monkey branch into something with me 

 

well, no thank you.  Healthy relationships don’t begin with lies and deceit  

 

 

 

[Batya33]

sorry I'm not really on IG -are the photos dated with her and her partner? And I guess it's not just two friends hanging.  

I'm sorry!!!

[boltnrun]

@Batya33, yes, Instagram posts have dates on them. Now, these are the dates the photos were actually posted so it's not necessarily the date the photo was taken. But it's odd for someone to post photos tagging someone and have them be old unless the post indicates this (such as someone reposting wedding photos on their anniversary).

[NighttimeNightmare]

Instagram you just post things whenever you want but usually the photos are in real-time. 
 

so essentially to be more specific, here is what I’m seeing:

my ex texted a couple days ago and told me she’s ending work and heading out for a hike. She sent me photos during the hike and told me she’s alone with her and the dog.  My exes Instagram has no sign of her being in a relationship 

however, when I found her gf’s Instagram, it has photos from the exact same day, exact same hike… and clearly they’re together

 

the gf’s Instagram is very over the top about their relationship  Like it’s very obvious, she will post photos and over the top talk about their life from their dogs perspective.  To each their own I guess.  

 

my ex has done this before, years ago when we first broke up she immediately started doing this same thing with a really old man, hid it from me, told me she was single, then tried to get back with me.   When I asked her about it she said it wasn’t real and she was using him to fill a void.  I said you’re very sick and need therapy, and that was when our relationship officially ended  

 

i thought since it had been 2-3 years maybe she worked on this issue in therapy, clearly not.  She sure spent a lot of time telling me how single she is and how she is learning to be alone   Lol

 

I’ve ignored her texts so far today, my usual go to is to ghost people, but I guess I’ll figure out something to say and then end this  

 

 

 

Edit:  I do have to add something to this post, the stuff I saw on (who I presume to be) the gf’s Instagram doesn’t explicitly say they’re in a relationship or refer to one another as gfs.   But what it does say is they’re a family and she refers to the two of them as mommy #1 and #2  (of the dogs…)  And there’s a few photos of them on the same bed with dogs, but no couple photos together doing stuff out and about like people tend to post 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 hid it from me, told me she was single, then tried to get back with me.   When I asked her about it she said it wasn’t real and she was using him to fill a void. 

Sorry this happened. Leopards don't change their spots. Have you told her it's over? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 4/20/2023 at 12:33 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Leopards don't change their spots. Have you told her it's over? 

Yes 

 

I called her to get her side of things. I was non-confrontational and just explained I had saw the Instagram account and the two of them looked very close. I said I found that odd because the few times she mentioned this person she brushed it off as an “old roomie”… but the Instagram showed a very close friendship at the least, and what appeared to be a relationship at the most

Her voice was very cold and removed, she told me that this person was an ex but yes she’s single and has nothing to lie or hide, it was just this didn’t ever come up between she and I  

i began to attempt to tell her it reminded me of the past where she would tell me certain men were say, her brother, but it was someone she was dating. 
 

she immediately cut me off and put the blame on me by saying I must have feelings for her for this to even matter. She didn’t even let me explain why it mattered.  Just kept going on and on about how she just contacted me to clear the air between us and just wanted a friendship.  I told her to have a good rest of her evening and ended the conversation. It was clear she wasn’t able to listen to me, just deflect. Same crap that ended our relationship in the first place. 
 

Feelings or not, I’m not interested in being deceived.  I wanted to explain why it felt deceptive. There’s people’s rights to privacy, but then there’s what almost feels like a double life. 
 

deliberately saying this person was just a “roomie” and leading me to believe she was going on all of her adventures alone meant it was shocking when I found out that wasn’t the case. And as a friend who she talks to daily, all day every day, why was that hidden from me?

 

I also felt deceived because she was flirting with me several times and then acted like I was some nutcase 

[boltnrun]

She hasn't changed. 

If she comes back for a third try, reread this thread and remind yourself of what you'd be willingly signing up for.

Hopefully you'll just block her and be done with this pointless drama. 

[Batya33]

You now have all the information you need to know which is she is a person who wants to have her cake and eat it too including if it involves being misleading, whether or not she is dating this ex, having a fling or whatever.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

she immediately cut me off and put the blame on me by saying I must have feelings for her for this to even matter.

And that surprises you? That is literally no1 tactic for cheaters and liars. Deflection by turning it on you and gaslighting you how its not true and even if it is true it doesnt matter. Even though its far from reality of what was going on. 

Again, you are just wasting your time there. For example, from the start of the thread you lost 2 weeks. On somebody that has very clearly hasnt changed one bit. Once a cheater, always a cheater. For 2 weeks you could have used that time to find somebody who at least wouldnt do stuff like that and would be honest with you. Delete and block her and dont look back.