Twin Troubles

[VM22911]

I am at my wits end and hoping someone will be able to help.

I have been with my partner for 4 years. I love him deeply and he is 100% the man I want to marry one day.

Just over a year ago we decided that we wanted to live together. The only way to do this was to move into his house as he is tied into a mortgage with his twin brother. They bought a 4 bed house just outside the city 6 months before we met.  I never wanted to live there as it's the suburbs, far from all my friends and I didn't drive at the time. The nearest shops are a 15 minute drive away and I felt like I would be losing my independence by moving there. He drives and he and his twin share a car. I also had never lived with a partner before and did not want the first time I did to also be with his twin, in their house. It just wouldn't feel like a space for the two of us. But it became clear if I wanted to take that next step, I would have to move in with them.

For context, my partner, lets call him A, and his twin B. A has done everything with B, for their whole lives. They shared a bedroom until they were 23. They did the same degree at the same university and went into the same jobs. They have all the same friends that they go off on holiday with multiple times a year. They share a car have matching motorcycles and constantly reinforce each other's opinions about everything. I often say they are the twiniest twins to ever twin. This became clear early on and we had to really work on our communication because if ever we argued, he would often compare me to his twin and wonder why we couldn't solve things the way he and his twin would. I am A's first partner and B has never had a girlfriend. They are 29 and I am 26. They come from a very close family where they are 2 of 7 kids.

We moved in and ultimately it was disappointing as everything I feared would happen, happened.

The walls are very thin, we have very little privacy... for anything and I hear everything his brother does. We didn't even assemble our new bed alone. Often we can be cuddled up watching television and his twin will come down to talk to him about something that derails our plans. Even if the twin goes out, my partner goes with him. Regardless of what we're doing. B also used to clean. Until I moved in and now my partner and I are left to do everything. I watch them go out together 3 times a week to play sports with their friends while I sit at home. Which is fine, but then they come home and play video games, often late into the night and I have to go to bed alone.  I felt trapped and isolated. I learnt to drive and started trying to save money for my own car. They don't charge me rent so at least it helps me save money. Although, when it comes to decisions about buying things for the house, we discuss it and they always agree and go for the more expensive options, completely disregarding that I don't make as much money as them.

I was absolutely losing my mind when I applied to my dream postgrad course in another city. A is a remote worker and agreed to move with me for a year for the course. I didn't think we would survive if I went alone and it would be too expensive otherwise. Many people on the course who were doing long distance have broken up, because the course is intense.

Just before we leave, I find out from B that they are all going away on holiday a few weeks after we move. I find this out at a family dinner and A says he didn't tell me because he didn't know how serious the plans were, so didn't want to tell me until things were booked.

I was very hurt

I had no idea how I would feel in this new city and he was going to leave me alone. But he told me how sad he would be if everyone but him went and how this was the last holiday he'd have with a friend who was having a baby soon so I let it go and he went.

He came back and even though we both miss our old city and he misses his friends, I am very happy on my course and he has been so supportive. Our communication is better than ever and I don't think our relationship has ever been this strong. It is so nice to have our own space and even he has admitted he prefers it this way. Although he has felt very isolated and bored in the new city.

Then unfortunately, I was attacked outside our apartment. I am okay but the police are involved and now he meets me at the bus stop. I am leaning on him more now and am very scared by myself

He has to go on a stag do next month, and on top of that his twin is planning on going on 2 more holidays and he wants to go too. I feel so unsafe and left behind. We have only been on one holiday together in the time we have been dating whereas him and his twin and their friends have been on multiple. He said if I wasn't studying then I would be invited but I never get asked to be involved in the plans so that feels hard to believe.

I have been struggling with all this while we have come back to visit for Easter break. The house is a mess, his brother keeps interupting our time together and I am just sick of the sight of him all over again. It feels like we have lost all that progress and I feel like I might spend this whole relationship getting left behind.

I dread coming back here when this course is over because it just feels like we're going to go back to how we were and that will make me feel trapped and miserable all over again. 

Living here was supposed to be temporary to save money but it feels like there is no end in sight and I have no idea what to do.

I love him so much and want to make this work but have no idea how to tell him how I feel. He is very defensive of his twin and I can't speak to him about these things without him getting defensive and often angry. He shuts down and stonewalls me. 

I am so lost and just need some help... some advice... anything...

[Batya33]

Your bf is choosing to live in a situation that is not conducive to married life or a committed couple life. Not because he has a family member living with you but because of how he interacts with his brother and how he treats you.
 You share physical space for his convenience right ?  And living with him has not taken your relationship to any increased level of emotional commitment.  In fact it’s the opposite.

Also what’s the reason for dating this long without being engaged with a wedding date ?

also I got my drivers license in 2016 at age 49 and still don’t drive.  I hope to change that if we have to move to the burbs.  Im so impressed that you learned to drive !!

[VM22911]

I already had a license from another country but that was for an automatic car. My test was so hard I've been too scared to drive since but thank you! 😊

I think living together has improved our communication. I am a very anxious person and he isn't great at responding to messages so living together has fixed that. We would often fight over him not communicating properly over text which would contribute to my anxiety.

The lack of engagement I guess is up to him really. He says he wants to get married one day but wants to be more stable first. I.E in our own place with me no longer studying. He has said that a wedding scares him as he mainly thinks of the expense and public speaking which scares him. Not wanting to leave his brother behind is also a reservation for him. It is something he says he wants one day but it's hard to get him to talk about it.

Unless something is happening in the next couple of days, he hardly sees a need to talk about it

[Tinydance]

Yes there is a lot here! First of all I actually completely relate to how you feel about the twin being around constantly. I've been with partners where their family is super close and constantly very involved in our relationship and it's definitely too much and it's annoying. And you always have to keep trying to push them back because they're always there and it's tiring. I totally get it, I've been there myself. 

I think maybe the main problem here is that both your boyfriend and hos twin are very inexperienced with relationships. I was dating someone who had never had a relationship and he was just acting like he was single and just really didn't understand what being in a relationship is. I think that maybe your boyfriend's brother just doesn't get that people need space and privacy in a relationship because he's never had one himself. Maybe he does even actually like you as a friend and wants to hang out with you but he doesn't understand that it's too much. 

I think it's absolutely fine to be honest with your boyfriend and let him know that you need to assert your boundaries with some of these things. But where I think you need to be careful is that you say it very politely and gently. There is that saying: "Blood is thicker than water" and as you can see, him and his brother are very close. So I don't think you should say that his brother is annoying you or you have anything against him or anything like that. Also you need to remember that the twin isn't really so much of a problem but it's actually more your boyfriend because he actually wants to have this level of co-dependency with his twin himself. If he didn't want things to be like that then they wouldn't be.

To be honest I don't really see how you could avoid the twin brother because to completely avoid him you'd need to not live with him. I guess your boyfriend can't not live with him because he owns half the house and half the car. The only other option would be that the twin brother could get another tenant/housemate and that housemate could pay rent to your boyfriend. Do you think you could suggest this idea to them? I mean, your boyfriend has to realise that he's nearly 30 and he's not single so he can't just keep living with his brother forever.

It's a difficult situation because in a relationship there does need to be compromise and both people are allowed to also spend time with friends and family. Because if you only ever spend time with each other and don't do anything else then that's actually also co-dependent.

I guess you probably need to think about what is the proportion that your boyfriend spends time with you versus with his brother? He should be spending more time with you but the thing is he is actually allowed to spend time with other people too. And I guess his choice is to spend time with his brother rather than friend for example.

You could actually just say everything you wrote here to your boyfriend but just say it politely and don't say anything bad about his brother. Just say ideally you would love it if you moved out on your own and if you spent more time together as a couple. Just be honest and upfront about what you need from your relationship.

The other thing though is that you need to have your own life as well. For example, let's say your boyfriend went out with a male friend to a sports bar and it's a boys' night out. You actually don't have to be sitting at home alone doing nothing. You could invite someone over like a friend or your parent or sibling or something. You could watch movies, get snacks, have fun together. Or you could go out with friends somewhere. You could even organise a night out with some friends. 

You just mentioned a few times that "I'm left on my own" but the thing is anyone can be "left on their own" in a relationship if they don't have their own life and their own friends and things to do. In any relationship your partner will actually be catching up with other people too and you don't always have to come and be joined at the hip. Same goes that your boyfriend doesn't always need to do everything you do. There needs to be a good balance of spending time together but with other people too.

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

52 minutes ago, VM22911 said:

I already had a license from another country but that was for an automatic car. My test was so hard I've been too scared to drive since but thank you! 😊

I think living together has improved our communication. I am a very anxious person and he isn't great at responding to messages so living together has fixed that. We would often fight over him not communicating properly over text which would contribute to my anxiety.

The lack of engagement I guess is up to him really. He says he wants to get married one day but wants to be more stable first. I.E in our own place with me no longer studying. He has said that a wedding scares him as he mainly thinks of the expense and public speaking which scares him. Not wanting to leave his brother behind is also a reservation for him. It is something he says he wants one day but it's hard to get him to talk about it.

Unless something is happening in the next couple of days, he hardly sees a need to talk about it

Well I think you need to actually put the brother out of the equation and discuss your own relationship with your boyfriend. You've been together for four years now and he doesn't want to live alone with you or get engaged or married. He needs to realise if he wants to be with you he has to step up and have an adult relationship. 

I think that's fantastic you are driving! It's actually good to have your independence. I think that maybe you should actually be more proactive and hang out with your own friends and pursue hobbies too. I understand it's hard when twins have such a strong bond and you're not part of it. But maybe it wouldn't be as upsetting if you had a lot going on in your own life too.

[VM22911]

Thank you for this !

Firstly I dont think it's a case of the twin just wanting to be friends with me. Often when we're alone in the house it's plain awkward and hard to get a proper conversation out of him.

I do try and make sure I have my own life. I'm just quite the home body and want someone to cuddle up with in the evening. Also, where I used to live I was in walking distance of a lot of my friends. By moving in with them I lost that and my friends are a half hour train ride away, which can be off putting when you're trying to save money. 

It was quite the compromise moving here although my partner doesn't think I've compromised because I get to live here rent free.

I have proposed them getting a tenet but my partner has said his twin would only live with another friend and none of their friends are looking

I guess, how do I speak to him without mentioning his brother? Because he feels like a massive piece of the equation. Just visiting again now, we have to leave to visit people when his twin wants to leave, even though I had stuff to finish and my partner wanted a nap. But he was nagging me to leave now cause that's what his brother wanted, regardless of what we wanted.

I know it's probably a skewed view, but when we're in another city, it feels like everything is solved until his brother calls or he's online talking to him, as he does every day.

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend is a package deal.  Wherever he goes, his twin is right beside him.  It's a twin thing with him and his twin.  They are joined at the hip.  It's the 3 of you.  Not the 2 of you in this relationship.  I hear you.  This picture feels a bit crowded.

Your boyfriend will not change for you because his twin is his life and his twin brother will always take top priority over you.  Blood is thicker than water means family comes first.  Either accept him and this arrangement or choose a man who isn't a twin nor so excessively close to his twin to the point of unreasonable.

Your boyfriend is set in his ways as is his twin.  They are inseparable. You will never have him all to yourself.  All decision making includes his twin brother.  You will always have to share your boyfriend with his twin to the point where they have higher status over you.  The twins' loyalty to each other is stronger than your boyfriend's relationship with you.  I'm sorry.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, VM22911 said:

how do I speak to him without mentioning his brother? Because he feels like a massive piece of the equation.

You can't. Their enmeshed lifestyle is the problem. There is no way around it and there is no point being indirect about it. 

Unless he is willing to unglue himself from his twin, this is not going to get better. I think the fact that are overly-dependent on each other and have almost no relationship experience at almost 30 years old says an awful lot. They don't know how to function without each other, and frankly, I would be so turned off by that alone that I doubt I would have continued dating him this long. 

There is almost no scope for romantic relationships in a situation like this. Lots of twins have independent lives from each other, but these two are on another level of codependence. There is bascially no room for a healthy romantic relationship in their lives. 

My grandfather had brothers like this. They weren't twins, but they were only 1 year apart, and did everything together. People often mistook them for twins, in fact. They lived together all their lives as well, and remained bachelors until they both crossed the rainbow bridge in their early 90s. They were perfectly content like this. You can imagine why neither ever had a relationship that lasted long, and they didn't mind. Your boyfriend and his brother might just be the same. 

I'm sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, VM22911 said:

. The only way to do this was to move into his house as he is tied into a mortgage with his twin brother.  ...

Unfortunately moving in with them doesn't further your relationship. It's not a commitment or a step forward. Living together is for sexual and economic convenience.  However it is serving to give you a glimpse of how things will be. 

Reflect very carefully. Where did you live before? Do you have friends and family there? Can you move back there? The remedy to this situation is to move out.

Try to avoid wishing and hoping things change, rather than cycling around what he and his brother want. So far he is not interested in marriage, he's been very clear about that.

Step back and reflect if you want to be lonely and watch him and his brother do everything together and call all the shots.

Moving out would solve a lot of problems from all the logistics and powerlessness to freeing yourself to find someone ready willing and able to create the type of relationship you would like.

Since their situation is so unusual, it could be easier to find someone who wants a one-on-one partnership with you.

[VM22911]

Thank you everyone.

This has been massively validating. For the longest time I've felt like I've been unreasonable and too demanding.

I think part of the problem also is that I'm partnered with the older twin. So he acts like the older brother. 

Until we moved to this other city, all the household bills were in my partners name, he would do all the driving if they went anywhere, he would fix anything that was broken in the house, he would buy presents to people from them etc.

When I have tried to emphasis how ridiculous this situation is he has said things like "what? Do you think I actually want to live with my brother me whole life?!" Which, we all can see, that's what it looks like, but obviously there is a part of him maybe deep down that wants to leave bur feels obligated.

Also, moving back to where I was is no longer an option. After covid, my income had taken a massive hit and never recovered, after being a student again, building up money again will take time

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, VM22911 said:

He has said that a wedding scares him as he mainly thinks of the expense and public speaking which scares him.

You mean taking vows before a wedding officiant? Public speaking is only if you have a wedding reception -that's not the wedding.  The expense is almost all part of a reception.

Our marriage license was around $35.   We had 10 people at our magical, amazing wedding.  It was at my inlaws home.  They supplied breakfast for our guests then we all went to lunch at a local restaurant we loved.  The wedding officiant was about $300? My shoes and dress were about $400 and lunch I guess was about $40/person plus I ordered a wedding cake from the local bakery -maybe $50? A cousin who didn't come had champagne delivered for our luncheon.  I borrowed my veil and my inlaws decorated their home with some pretty flowers. I bought my husband his wedding band -maybe around $300.  My wedding band was a family heirloom.

One of the best days of my life.  My husband said if I wanted we could have a big party or have one later but I didn't wish to and he was fine either way.  I planned a large wedding years earlier that was cancelled and to me it was a waste of time, $$ and way too much aggravation. I love public speaking.  You can be really shy and have a lovely wedding ceremony. Do you really buy that excuse??

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, VM22911 said:

Also, moving back to where I was is no longer an option. After covid, my income had taken a massive hit and never recovered, after being a student again, building up money again will take time

If you won the lottery today would you stay or go?

[VM22911]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If you won the lottery today would you stay or go?

If I won the lottery I'd buy my own place and my partner says he'd come with me.

With regards to the wedding. He comes from a large and very religious family who have told him of their expectations of our wedding so unfortunately it couldn't really be a small affair regardless of what we want

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, VM22911 said:

If I won the lottery I'd buy my own place and my partner says he'd come with me.

With regards to the wedding. He comes from a large and very religious family who have told him of their expectations of our wedding so unfortunately it couldn't really be a small affair regardless of what we want

Well no.  Adults who wish to marry do so and have the ceremony they believe in and have a party or don't have a party.  Even if their families want a big party.  We had a religious ceremony and officiant. If that is your excuse my opinion is one or both of you don't want marriage badly enough.  

Yes if you have a big party and your families pay for it and you allow that then families get a say in who is invited etc.  

If your partner would come with you then perhaps make enough money to live independently and do so.  Then if your partner wants to commit to you he can move in or you two can marry and buy a separate place.  This doesn't sound like just a $ issue though.

[itsallgrand]

Everyone is mentioning the twin codependency factor with your partner, and that's real from the looks of it.

But no one has mentioned how you aren't ready either for an equal partnership where you live with your partner. You are depending on your partner for far too much. He's used to that role so he sees it as normal, but a lot of partners wouldn't. You can't expect to live in an equal partnership yet depend on your partner to pay all the rent, be the one who drives the majority of the time, plus deal with all your extra anxieties. You need to deal with that first. Frankly he'd be foolish to marry or sell his portion of the house while these things remain. 

Deal with your end by not relying on him to afford what you want and paying your way. Then see what shakes out with your bf.

 

[VM22911]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no.  Adults who wish to marry do so and have the ceremony they believe in and have a party or don't have a party.  Even if their families want a big party.  We had a religious ceremony and officiant. If that is your excuse my opinion is one or both of you don't want marriage badly enough.  

Yes if you have a big party and your families pay for it and you allow that then families get a say in who is invited etc.  

If your partner would come with you then perhaps make enough money to live independently and do so.  Then if your partner wants to commit to you he can move in or you two can marry and buy a separate place.  This doesn't sound like just a $ issue though.

We would be the ones paying for the wedding.

He and his family are very Catholic, to the point where his family were once members of Opus Dei. I am not Catholic and my mother was raised Catholic and has issues with organised religion in general. His family are very involved. He is the favourite son and doesn't want to upset anyone. So there's a lot that would need to be mediated for a wedding

[VM22911]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

Everyone is mentioning the twin codependency factor with your partner, and that's real from the looks of it.

But no one has mentioned how you aren't ready either for an equal partnership where you live with your partner. You are depending on your partner for far too much. He's used to that role so he sees it as normal, but a lot of partners wouldn't. You can't expect to live in an equal partnership yet depend on your partner to pay all the rent, be the one who drives the majority of the time, plus deal with all your extra anxieties. You need to deal with that first. Frankly he'd be foolish to marry or sell his portion of the house while these things remain. 

Deal with your end by not relying on him to afford what you want and paying your way. Then see what shakes out with your bf.

 

In our apartment in our new city I pay half the rent and half the bills. 

In the house with his brother, I pay my share of the bills and groceries, they just didn't want to charge me rent because I'm not exactly a tenant and it's their mortgage.

I've worked on the driving and before I spent my savings on this course, I was going to buy my own car so I didn't need to drive theirs.

At the end of the day he will always make more money than me as he is a man who works in tech and I'm a woman who works in the arts  

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, VM22911 said:

We would be the ones paying for the wedding.

He and his family are very Catholic, to the point where his family were once members of Opus Dei. I am not Catholic and my mother was raised Catholic and has issues with organised religion in general. His family are very involved. He is the favourite son and doesn't want to upset anyone. So there's a lot that would need to be mediated for a wedding

Yes as I said he is prioritizing making his family happy with the wedding reception over getting married.  That's fine and that's the reality -he doesn't want to put in the effort to get married to you whether it means "mediating" or eloping or taking a stand or upsetting someone. It doesn't make him a bad person at all. Just a person who doesn't want to marry you badly enough because if he married you tomorrow it would not be in the way that pleases his family.  That's his choice.  

If he's so catholic how is it that he agrees to live with you before marriage?

There's nothing much to pay for if you don't have a big reception.  Our wedding was about $1,500 for 10 people plus my dress/shoes. Had we not had lunch after it would have been well under $1,000 (meaning clothes/paying religious officiant).

[Batya33]

Just now, VM22911 said:

In our apartment in our new city I pay half the rent and half the bills. 

In the house with his brother, I pay my share of the bills and groceries, they just didn't want to charge me rent because I'm not exactly a tenant and it's their mortgage.

I've worked on the driving and before I spent my savings on this course, I was going to buy my own car so I didn't need to drive theirs.

At the end of the day he will always make more money than me as he is a man who works in tech and I'm a woman who works in the arts  

Yes and that is your choice too - certainly if you have children and don't pay for nanny/daycare because you will be able to do those roles that will save a lot of $. The salaries have little to do with gender.  You can work in the arts and do a side job to bring in extra income.

[itsallgrand]

7 minutes ago, VM22911 said:

In our apartment in our new city I pay half the rent and half the bills. 

In the house with his brother, I pay my share of the bills and groceries, they just didn't want to charge me rent because I'm not exactly a tenant and it's their mortgage.

I've worked on the driving and before I spent my savings on this course, I was going to buy my own car so I didn't need to drive theirs.

At the end of the day he will always make more money than me as he is a man who works in tech and I'm a woman who works in the arts  

Yes but you mentioned you wouldn't be able to afford to go to the new study without his help right?

It just seems to me you are making some choices based on money and convieience rather than commitment to moving the relationship deeper.

Am I totally wrong? I might be. This is what it looks like to me though.

And yeah, gender has nothing to do what income you pull in. Are you saying you intend to always make less than him? 

 

[VM22911]

4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Yes but you mentioned you wouldn't be able to afford to go to the new study without his help right?

It just seems to me you are making some choices based on money and convieience rather than commitment to moving the relationship deeper.

Am I totally wrong? I might be. This is what it looks like to me though.

And yeah, gender has nothing to do what income you pull in. Are you saying you intend to always make less than him? 

 

It would be harder but it would be doable to live in the new city without him. I more meant I would struggle with how intense the course is (50 hours a week) without someone around for emotional support. Additionally with his communication not always being great I worried about the relationship breaking down if I went alone.

He makes an obscene amount of money for his age. To the point where some of his family have retrained in his field to try and make as much money as him.

He is part of an affluent field, from an affluent family and he and I don't have any friends who make as much money as him.

Whereas I am a freelancer who holds down 3 jobs in the arts at any one time, I'm just being realistic when I say unless I negotiate a massive deal, it's unlikely I will ever make as much as him

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, VM22911 said:

Whereas I am a freelancer who holds down 3 jobs in the arts at any one time, I'm just being realistic when I say unless I negotiate a massive deal, it's unlikely I will ever make as much as him

You may not make as much as him if he makes an obscene amount of $ in your opinion, but you can choose not to freelance, and/or have a side hustle -I have many friends in the arts and they make these choices if they need to provide for themselves/their families. 

Seems to me you're settling, big time.

[VM22911]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You may not make as much as him if he makes an obscene amount of $ in your opinion, but you can choose not to freelance, and/or have a side hustle -I have many friends in the arts and they make these choices if they need to provide for themselves/their families. 

Seems to me you're settling, big time.

I do have a side hustle. I do reading and access work for multiple theatres. 

 

I really enjoy it and it's enough to sustain myself 🙂

It will just take a while to build capital as he would not want to rent our own place. Only buy 

Do you think? Sometimes I feel I'm being too demanding

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, VM22911 said:

I do have a side hustle. I do reading and access work for multiple theatres. 

 

I really enjoy it and it's enough to sustain myself 🙂

It will just take a while to build capital as he would not want to rent our own place. Only buy 

Do you think? Sometimes I feel I'm being too demanding

I think you're not being independent enough.  Get a side hustle that allows you to live independently of him and be financially independent.  Then from that perspective and lifestyle decide if he is the man you want to marry and decide also if he was never going to marry you how long would you stay.  I would stop sharing physical living space with him in this situation -show yourself you are able to stand on your own two feet and also save up $ for your nest egg.  

[Tinydance]

I actually don't think that the twin brother is the problem. I understand it seems that way because he's always around but that's because your boyfriend always WANTS him to be around. This is your boyfriend's choice, he likes everything to be this way and always did. His level of closeness to his brother yes is co-dependent and something most people would actually find smothering.

Even with you living with his twin brother, it doesn't need to be such saturation of seeing him, but your boyfriend WANTS it to be like that.

For example you said if the brother goes out, he goes with him. Remember, your boyfriend is actually a free 29-year-old man. He does not have to do anything he doesn't want to do, nobody is forcing him. For example, if the brother is going out, he doesn't need to come. Let's say you and your boyfriend are cuddling on the couch and the brother is going out. He could just say: "OK see ya, have fun!". The fact he leaves as well and leaves you on your own is purely by his own choice, this is what he wants and likes. The same goes for everything else he's doing with his brother.

I think you need to stop thinking of the brother as the enemy because to be honest he isn't. The brother can say or do whatever but your boyfriend does NOT have to 24/7 do what the brother wants.

Even with little things like assembling your bed. Even if the brother tried to help but he could say: "We're good thanks bro". Even if his brother is going on a trip, he could say: "OK have an awesome time, send photos. See you when you get back." But it's actually your BOYFRIEND who goes everywhere his brother goes, does everything his brother does.  If his brother jumps, he jumps.

He doesn't have to live with him either. He could actually just say: "I'm sorry dude but me and the girlfriend are moving out and unfortunately you'll need to find a new roommate to help pay the mortgage". I mean yeah the brother might be annoyed but he's 29, he has to deal with it. Your boyfriend is babying his brother and that's just the way he likes it.

Your boyfriend has huge co-dependency issues. If you move to another city, yes the brother isn't there but the co-dependency issues are actually still there. You saw it clearly when you came back to visit and everything just went back exactly how it always was with the brother. 

I also think you've been too soft and passive and you just go along with everything THEY want. I understand the brother is family but you're the girlfriend of FOUR years.

You said basically you had no choice but you live with them but you always have a choice. You can always speak up and assert your boundaries. For example, if the brother is going out and boyfriend wants to come, just say to them: "Actually hun we already had plans to watch a movie at home so I would prefer it if you stuck with our plan and stayed here." Or you just say to your boyfriend that you've decided you're moving out and he can come or not but YOU'RE moving out. You actually just sit back and you also always just do what they want. So why would anything change when they don't want it to change but you don't say or do anything either?

You have to keep in mind though that if you're financially dependent on your boyfriend then this is why he's calling all the shots. This is why you probably can't actually say: "I'm moving out" because you actually can't move out because you can't afford it. I do agree that you shouldn't be reliant on your boyfriend and you should also show your own independence. Show him that if he doesn't watch himself, he might lose you. He probably thinks you're never going to say anything and you're not going anywhere so why should he worry?