Opinion on sharing responsibilities

[PDW]

My relationship is under a lot of stress and perhaps it might be coming to an end. Both my partner and I are finding it impossible to find mutual agreement on what we find is acceptable with sharing responsibilities around the house.

I am told I don't don't do enough to support her around the house and with other duties and I need some outside opinions on if how I feel is correct or if its wrong.

I work 5 days a week. Sometimes 6 10 hour days. So my morning consists of getting our 2 eldest ready for school and do the school run before getting into work for the day. After work I will normally go get food for tea and cook for the family, shes never been one to cook and i enjoy cooking so i dont mind. All be it sometimes it is just something to throw in the oven and wait. 

We also have a newborn and we have a night on night off routine. One night I'll do the night feeds, the next she will do them. I will do a feed or nappy change and spend some time with the baby when the other kids are fed and in bed regardless of if its my night or not. 

Recently I've been extremely tired and have fallen asleep on the sofa for an hour or so after the above has been done. There has been washing and cleaning to do, but with my job I have been mentally and physically drained. 

My partner tells me I don't do enough to help her. She isn't working and hasn't been for a while and I know she hates this being the case. We're now at a point where we aren't talking, she feels I don't do enough for her, I'm lazy, even been called useless. She no longer shares a bed with me and I'm at a complete loss with what to do?

Am I wrong in believing I do more than enough to help support her and the kids by working, doing the school run, putting food on the table and doing alternative night feeds? 

Am I expecting too much for the house and clothes to be washed as her contribution or am I wrong in this?

There's probably other factors in this that I haven't included. But I'd like some opinions and outside views on this. Because I do believe I am close to ending which once was a loving relationship. 

 

Thanks in advance.

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, PDW said:

We also have a newborn and we have a night on night off routine. 

You both seem overwhelmed and need adjustment to a newborn. This is not a who's right, who's wrong situation.  Both of you can list all the things you do, but that won't resolve both of you being exhausted and overwhelmed. 

You're both doing the best you can at the moment. However you'll have to put less energy into right-fighting and more energy into streamlining your routines to adjust to the extra time, care and exhaustion that comes with a newborn.

[Batya33]

Can you outsource and hire someone to help with either cleaning or kids? Any family members or friends to help -you can even barter to a certain extent? It's not about right or wrong -it's about coming to a team approach if at all possible.  Lose the right or wrong.  It's like if you said to your newborn (as my husband did one of the nights newborn wouldn't sleep) "look, please sleep.  we are a family who sleeps."  Newborn didn't read the manual about developing a sense of night/day/sleep/wake just like there is no manual that says "this is right/this is wrong" with parenting/household responsibilities.

Also dirt is inert so if you can let certain housecleaning stuff go for awhile (certainly keep hygenic the newborn's bottles/stuff) then do so.  

I can share how we did.  We married at age 42.  2.5 months later we had our son.  We had actually two places to live - my tiny apartment where I'd lived before marriage and he had a place 800 miles away since we had to be in a commuter marriage the first couple of months given his job -so once newborn was 2 weeks old he was away half the week for his job.  I was a SAHM. For the first couple of weeks when he was home full time we took turns -he's a night person, I'm a morning person so I did the pre midnight feeding. 

Then he did the one middle of the night and I then I did I think like 4-5am? During the day I guess we took turns but since he had to get work done/take calls much more on me.  From the beginning he said I should hire a weekly housekeeper.  I didn't want to that often so it was every other week.  Laundry -we sent to wash and fold the first few months.  No nannies no sitters.  No daycare. 

After baby was sleeping through the night we all lived together first in one city in a larger apartment then in our current city in a larger apartment than my single apartment.  Again we hired a housekeeper twice/month.

At that point yes I did all laundry.  He traveled a lot and worked many more hours than you described above plus cared for his aging parents.  But I was home full time first 7 years. What felt right to us was I did 90% of childcare stuff (when he was home he was all in -he was always with our son as much as humanly possible -he loved him so much, played with him, changed diapers, fed him, etc.) and to me housecleaning and cooking were secondary to my responsibiltiies.  Because I wanted to be outside with the baby and exploring with the baby and being with my son as much as possible.  He actually loved his playpen (I know) so he'd amuse himself with his toys and books and I got some housecleaning done or -gasp - made some calls/emails.  

Here's another model.  My friend's daughter in her 20s has 3 kids under 8 including a 1 year old.  Husband is an entrepreneur and works really hard and travels on a moments notice. She says she can't multitask well - and her goal is to be with her 3 kids.  Two are in preschool/school.  So they outsource everything ---- except childcare.  Yes they can afford it.  She had PPA and PPD and felt unhealthy trying to do "everything" so this is what works for them and they seem happy.  It would be awful for me -I hate having a lot of people around especially under my supervision - but works for them.

If you are exhausted that means you are beyond the limits of what you can do.  So reevaluate what works, even with an outsider (even someone from your church or place of worship?? there's no shame in it) and outsource -especially cleaning/laundry if you possibly can.

[smackie9]

I want to know how old those other two kids are because if they are over the age of 10-12, then they can pitch in with some house hold duties and even learn to help out with the baby (under supervision). Teach them some life skills like vacuuming, cooking, cleaning up after dinner. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I want to know how old those other two kids are because if they are over the age of 10-12, then they can pitch in with some house hold duties and even learn to help out with the baby (under supervision). Teach them some life skills like vacuuming, cooking, cleaning up after dinner. 

Yes and depending on how it works in your family/house I'd pay them as if they were babysitting for someone else's family.  I personally don't think kids should have to help regularly for free with child care.  Chores for sure -they make part of the mess -or a lot of it LOL.  Also I think at age 12 they can take a babysitting course.

[itsallgrand]

I'm curious if the baby was planned because it doesn't add up that she is unhappy about not working as long as she has yet chose to add a newborn? Is there a big wall of resentment for her and if so do you know why?

Other thing I thought was maybe she needs a doc and her hormones are making things really tough for her right now?

You do plenty but if she's struggling, she's struggling. Clearly something has to change. 

What actions is she taking to find work if she hates being full time at home? Do you support her on that? 

[smackie9]

By the time I was 12 I was pretty much taking care of myself...doing my own laundry, cleaning the house twice a week, getting dinner started, cleaning up after dinner. Valuable life skills. And yes I got myself to school everyday. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

By the time I was 12 I was pretty much taking care of myself...doing my own laundry, cleaning the house twice a week, getting dinner started, cleaning up after dinner. Valuable life skills. And yes I got myself to school everyday. 

I also did a lot of that too.  My parents were careful not to require my sister to babysit for me -she was 5 years older and sometimes was made to take me along with her friends/babysit but their parenting philosophy was that she should get to have her life, friends, do her HW with some help with me. 

My parents valued more me doing my HW and excelling at school and were very supportive of me doing outside work (as opposed to cleaning the whole house -that wasn't expected) - I started working at age 14 -babysitting, an unpaid but life changing summer internship, working part time at Dunkin Doughnuts lol, so between that and extracurricular activities and school I wasn't tasked with major household chores.  I learned other life skills and had to learn the heavy cleaning life skills later on which I did. Just different life approaches/parenting philosophies.

Interestingly my sister was messy and a slob.  When she married in her early 20s she became very neat, tidy, never hired help - and learned it then.  Her home was spotless and she had 4 kids.  

So yes OP see if the kids can help -and how.  

[redswim30]

4 hours ago, PDW said:

 

My partner tells me I don't do enough to help her. She isn't working and hasn't been for a while and I know she hates this being the case. We're now at a point where we aren't talking, she feels I don't do enough for her, I'm lazy, even been called useless. She no longer shares a bed with me and I'm at a complete loss with what to do?

 

This is a huge issue.  I think it's clear that you are trying your best, and your wife needs to stop viewing you as the enemy.  You can't keep up?  Welcome to life with multiple children.  It's always going to be a juggling act.  Once they are both older, it becomes who is taking who where.  It's tough and I understand that, but you have to be united as a team.  It's almost cruel the route your wife is taking, blaming you and seemingly punishing you for things not being perfect.  You two need to address this head-on now or things will only get worse.  Calling you names isn't going to fix anything and that needs to stop.  You have to get on the same page. 

I have to ask, was this a planned child and was she planning not to return to work?  

You need to ask her to sit down and have a conversation.   You have to say, "look, you are obviously unhappy but you need to know that I am genuinely trying my best.  I'm worried about the path this is taking us down and I want to brainstorm about possible supportive solutions for us going forwards."

Possible solutions to look into- 

Familial babysitting?  

A part time maid? 

Making sure you schedule a date night/grown ups only night once a week?

A plan for her to return to work?

Possible chores the older child can help with? (There's age appropriate chores nearly every child can do) 

Possible counseling for your wife?  Is it possible she has some postpartum depression? 

A better system for planning and scheduling? 

 

One thing is for clear and certain.  Your wife needs to adjust her attitude, or you'll be fighting a losing battle.  What exactly did she think would happen with adding a second child to your household?  She needs to better manage her expectations.  People who like to say 50/50 chore splits aren't being realistic.  This number is always going to fluctuate.  Sometimes she'll do more, sometimes you'll do more-that's just life.  If you go around with an attitude of "measuring fairness", you'll never be happy. The important part is putting in the effort and it honestly seems like both of you are trying, and it's your wife is mad at the fact that's it's imperfect.  

Have that conversation and see how it goes.  She has to be willing to create changes if she expects anything TO change.  Nothing will get better with stonewalling, criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.  These are also the horsemen of marriage failure.  If she is unwilling to TRY, then I'm sorry to say you are headed on a way one train to divorce if your marriage becomes how much "punishment" you are willing and able to withstand over the long term. 

 

 

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, PDW said:

My partner tells me I don't do enough to help her. She isn't working and hasn't been for a while and I know she hates this being the case. We're now at a point where we aren't talking, she feels I don't do enough for her, I'm lazy, even been called useless. She no longer shares a bed with me

Does she have specific chores she wants you to do or hasn't been specific? I think what you're doing sounds like a good contribution, and even going overboard with getting up in the middle of the night with the baby, since you have to work the next day. She at least could nap when the baby does.

Do you think she might be lashing out because you two have lost an emotional connection because of a lack of quality alone time with each other? Do you think she might be suffering from postpartum depression? What issues did you have before your latest child was born, or were you both satisfied?

A few things you could do to lessen your workload? As said, the kids, if old enough, could fold their own laundry, fill a dishwasher, set the table, possibly vacuum. I find the addition of a deep freezer is really helpful, and could cut down on your daily shopping trips. But I live in America where we have space, so if you're in Europe, I know limited space might not allow that.

Instead of waking up every other night to care for the baby, I think it'd do her mind a lot more good for you to watch all the kids a few nights per week so she can get out and do a hobby or spend time with a girlfriend. If you are friends with another family with kids, perhaps you could trade babysitting hours once per month so you and your wife can just be a couple without kids in tow for a few hours. Or hire a babysitter once a month if you have no family around who can occasionally babysit.

If you sit down with her to draw up on paper what you're both presently doing in two separate columns, along with the amount of time it takes to do them, (including your hours at work), perhaps she will see better in writing what is fair, or what would be unfair if more is added to your column. I wouldn't approach this as a belligerent "See?" I'd say: Let's write what each of us is doing and let me know any changes you want to happen, so we can see things more clearly.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Cherylyn]

Being a mother of two sons myself,  you stopped me at "newborn."  I can't speak for all mothers but having a newborn rocks your world.  Life is completely turned upside down with sleep deprivation and it's like walking dead during daytime after yet another night of disrupted sleep,  constant feeds, diaper changes and life's chores endlessly pile up.  I remember it very well.  Too well. 

Even though you're exhausted,  she is, too and I'm referring to not only physical exhaustion but mentally drained as well. 

My husband was a godsend.  When I needed him to help above and beyond,  he did.  When our babies were little,  he took care of errands,  grocery shopped,  cleaned the house,  did laundry,  helped cook with me and did anything.  Nothing was beneath him and he did a lot so we could survive.  I never knew a man who gave so much of himself to his wife and family.  He never complained. 

If you can afford a housecleaning maid service, hire them. 

You have 3 children and a newborn.  That's a lot of work!  My mother had 3 children and it's a ton of work. 

I remember for me,  I was in charge of getting up several times during the middle of the night during the week because I was a SAHM.  If my husband didn't have to work the following day, he would get up, change the baby's diapers and bring the baby to me to nurse. 

Having very young children is hard on a marriage due to how taxing it is. 

I agree with others.  If your other 2 children are older, have them pick up the slack.  I did.  I helped with housecleaning,  laundry,  cooking and other chores.  I did all that. 

As a mother,  I remember my husband traveled a lot for business so whenever he wasn't home, I did everything. 

Those early years were hard.  My mother told me long ago that each month gets easier than the previous month and I didn't believe her but she was right.  As children grow up more,  life will get easier.  In the meantime,  yes,  it's exhausting but you keep on doing what you need to do for the good of the whole.  It's not an ideal situation but make the best of a very tiring situation.  Everyone is burned out especially your wife and you. 

How about making a spreadsheet or chore chart for the 2 older children so they can contribute with daily and weekly chores?

Also, to prevent burnout,  do family activities together outside the home otherwise the 4 walls will close in on everyone and carve out 1: 1 time with your wife, each child and mix it up so you're not repeating monotony. 

[Debsterism]

With a newborn fresh out of he hospital I loaded her up and stopped at the grocery store. Carried he and all the groceries up two flights of stairs. Put everything away. Put her in a front pack and made dinner. Put a load of laundry in while dinner cooked. Put it in the dryer right before we ate. Hubs did he dishes. I dealt with the baby bathing and dressing her. He swept and mopped the kitchen. He vacuumed while I made his lunch for the next day. We sat down and had a glass of wine together to catch up, then took a shower and went to sleep. 

This was right out of the hospital with a 3 day old baby so I don't know WHAT her problem is. Your wife sounds lazy to me. If I were you I would tell her that she has two choices. Either get off her butt and get busy doing a share of the housework (which should take no more than an hour or so daily as the machine washes them, not her hands and she can do other things during that cycle), OR she will become a divorced parent and living in a household with 3 kids most of the time, having to DO IT ALL by herself. Ask her which she would prefer? Cause paying child support and you being an every other weekend father would be what she is looking at. 

[Cherylyn]

I remember I delivered son #2 on Monday and by Thursday morning of that same week,  husband was on business travel and I was on my own with a newborn and preschooler.  My local sister and mother were unavailable with their full time employment.  I clearly remember taking my son to preschool two mornings a week while carrying a heavy infant filled car seat upstairs to the preschool classroom.  I didn't have any help from anyone.  I was walking dead but did it because I had to.  No choice.

It's not that much different from a few days after my post-major knee surgery.  Again, husband was on business travel.  I took care of everything.  I vacuumed as I hobbled around the house and had two little boys to take care of.  Looking back,  I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was!  I minded the fort and kept the home fires burning.  Life carried on.   

However,  I lived to tell about it.  You gotta do what you gotta do. 

I agree with @Debsterism. 

Your wife / partner's other choice would be as a single parent going it alone the majority of time,  hardship and struggle for decades to come.  

OP, @PDW.  You need to get serious by having a serious talk with your wife / partner.  Either she steps up or she is in for a rude awakening. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I remember I delivered son #2 on Monday and by Thursday morning of that same week,  husband was on business travel and I was on my own with a newborn and preschooler.  My local sister and mother were unavailable with their full time employment.  I clearly remember taking my son to preschool two mornings a week while carrying a heavy infant filled car seat upstairs to the preschool classroom.  I didn't have any help from anyone.  I was walking dead but did it because I had to.  No choice.

I had it similar to this.  We just do it.  We try & make it work. ( I had 2 toddlers, twice).

As mentioned, you can ask the older ones to help a little.  ( eg, clean their rooms, gather their laundry, maybe set the table, etc- depending on age).

But, it;s normal to feel so tired & stressed.  In my situation, yes, he worked and I took care of the kids at home, he'd rarely do much around the house, but would fully interact & help with the kids when home / his days off.

Is good that you do some stuff to help, as expected.  But, is sad really, if you two no longer sleep in the same room anymore.  And, Re: you getting up through the night, I would not expect that of my partner, if he had to get up daily for work.

So, maybe you two can sit down & have a heart to heart talk.  Try & see IF some things can change a little around your home.

[Batya33]

Did you both equally want a family and to have more than one child, etc? What discussions were had in advance about division of responsibilities, if any?

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, PDW said:

My partner tells me I don't do enough to help her. ... I'm at a complete loss with what to do?

This doesn't sound as though it's about you. Has she been evaluated for postpartum depression?

If not, I'd ask her to make a wish list of everything she wants help with, and I will handle her list if she will allow me to set her an appointment for a checkup and take her there.

There will be nothing on her list that you can't hire or handle--because her list is not really the problem or the point--and she may not even be able to create it.

Allow her to feel in charge while discussing her needs, and don't defend yourself because it's not really about you. Get her in for a physical and an evaluation. Speak with the doc's office prior to her appointment to report that you suspect depression. While they must protect her privacy while reporting to you, they are allowed to take in information FROM you.