Looking for peace with my boyfriend who is causing me angst

[lookforclarity]

He has been divorced since 2019 and dated a little before meeting me 18 months ago.

since we leased it together with the original intent of sharing it, I feel uncomfortable bailing out of my obligations.

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

He has been divorced since 2019 and dated a little before meeting me 18 months ago.

since we leased it together with the original intent of sharing it, I feel uncomfortable bailing out of my obligations.

Yeah, maybe this is just a little too much, too fast?

A couple should be talking about stuff like plans to buy a home, maybe after at least 3-5 yrs of dating? Especially if one's kinda fresh out of a relationship/divorce? 😕 .

I feel you do need a relationship where you DO feel better than this.  And where the relationship is on more stable ground, for a good while.

[boltnrun]

Tell him you're not able to renew the lease. He can either move elsewhere, buy a place on his own or stay put and pay the rent himself. 

It makes no sense that you are the one paying rent on two different places. 

[smackie9]

30 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

He has been divorced since 2019 and dated a little before meeting me 18 months ago.

since we leased it together with the original intent of sharing it, I feel uncomfortable bailing out of my obligations.

And this is the reason why you should never commit to buying a place with him. Doing anything jointly, you need a what if it doesn't work out plan agreement in writing. 

[Cherylyn]

Paying half the rent all year long is still more expensive than him paying for half the trips and most of your dinners.   Both of you should do the math and determine if this is financially fair. 

You've done special things for him such as baking his favorite desserts yet he seems to be taking advantage of you doing nice things for him,  taking the time,  gas and energy to travel every weekend to his home whereas he has an easier job.  He doesn't care to do special gestures for you because he does not care to do it.  Either accept him as is or be with a man who is very kind to you in the way you want.  And, attorney or no attorney,  never buy a home with him otherwise you'll be in legal trouble should your relationship continue to flounder more than it already is.

He goes ahead and makes plans for both of you without conferring with you first which is awfully presumptuous,  inconsiderate,  disrespectful and rude of him.  You made him in charge because he does it anyway.

You could talk to him but I doubt it will do any good because you can't change a man.  He is who he is.  Either lower your expectations and resign yourself into accepting him as is or realize you two are incompatible and go your separate ways.   Remain realistic and let that be your guide.

[lookforclarity]

I paid for my one half of the trips ; he never paid for me just meals when we go out.

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

I paid for my one half of the trips ; he never paid for me just meals when we go out.

Then he's taking advantage of your generosity.  Either do something about it,  dissolve and exit the relationship or lower your expectations and tolerate him as is.  You can never change a man.  ☹️

[lookforclarity]

so apparently after i texted him to come to me this weekend instead me going to him b/c I'll be going there next weekend, he said we aren't on same page. He apparently rescheduled a dinner with his friends including with me for this Saturday (he never discussed the original dinner we had to cancel b/c we are both sick last weekend and then again rescheduled for this weekend w/o asking me) and then he said he thought we'd drive around and look at houses but maybe I've given up on the idea of buying a home now and then had an emoji sad face. I'm ready to lose it...he doesn't listen. 

[boltnrun]

So he expects you to provide $$ toward the down payment on the new home, PLUS pay half the rent on his current apartment PLUS pay half of vacations PLUS pay the rent/mortgage on your own home? And if you don't you get a guilt trip and a lame sad face emoji?

Do his guilt tactics work on you? Do you feel like you should apologize and do what he wants when he acts like this?

[Cherylyn]

13 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

I'm ready to lose it...he doesn't listen. 

I agree.  He needs to be history.

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So he expects you to provide $$ toward the down payment on the new home, PLUS pay half the rent on his current apartment PLUS pay half of vacations PLUS pay the rent/mortgage on your own home? And if you don't you get a guilt trip and a lame sad face emoji?

Do his guilt tactics work on you? Do you feel like you should apologize and do what he wants when he acts like this?

But he pays for most of their dinners!  🙄  What a guy!

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

...he doesn't listen. 

He doesn't want to listen. He has his agenda with your money. 

[lookforclarity]

we spoke on phone.  I explained there's nothing to see and I don't think i want to buy anything now. He mentioned he'd renew his lease if nothing comes on the market soon that looks good. So for now, he's coming to me tomorrow to spend a few days with me. We will see how that goes but either way, I'm going to discuss my concerns about the one sided relationship I see.

[boltnrun]

Good for you for standing your ground and not letting his passive aggressive guilt trip wear you down.

It's possible to have a fair and equitable relationship. But it seems he's gotten used to being able to manipulate you  into doing what HE wants. And it seems you haven't pushed back very hard until now. He'll need to adjust to this new, equal dynamic but if the relationship is meant to be he should be able to just fine. 

[Cherylyn]

12 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

we spoke on phone.  I explained there's nothing to see and I don't think i want to buy anything now. He mentioned he'd renew his lease if nothing comes on the market soon that looks good. So for now, he's coming to me tomorrow to spend a few days with me. We will see how that goes but either way, I'm going to discuss my concerns about the one sided relationship I see.

Does renewing his lease mean he'll expect you to pay half the rent? 

Glad you're not buying a house with him.

Be prudent.

Better safe than sorry.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, lookforclarity said:

look at houses but maybe I've given up on the idea of buying a home now and then had an emoji sad face.

That's being passive aggressive, guilt tripping you.

[MissCanuck]

On 3/29/2023 at 11:29 PM, Cherylyn said:

Does renewing his lease mean he'll expect you to pay half the rent? 

I was about to ask the same thing. 

OP, please don't ever get yourself into an arrangement like that again. It is beyond ludicrous that you pay rent on a place you only visit occasionally. 

[Andrina]

You're going to have to stop being a doormat and he's going to have to stop being a bulldozer. If both of you aren't able to change in those major ways, you'll continue to be frustrated, upset, unfulfilled, etc.

There's a saying that goes: Look at who you are with, and that's what you think of yourself. So you don't think much of yourself to be with someone who uses you to ease his troubles financially, while doing not much else.

The right romantic partner needs to be a lot more than a sex partner and companion. They would make you feel like the special person you are, in words and actions, and would make your life easier. That means sometimes doing things for your pure enjoyment, without any benefit to himself except his enjoyment of having pleased you. If you can't say that that's happened even once, you're absolutely not only settling, but ruining your one precious life on this planet.

[Skyscrappers]

On 3/29/2023 at 9:24 AM, smackie9 said:

You are not compatible. Go find yourself a thoughtful guy that makes you feel special. 

And when she meet someone else and there is a problem, she dumps him and go to the next one. and keep doing that. 
No wonder the divorce rate is high with our generation..

Nobody wants to work through anything, you want the sunny days only but you dont want to work through the rainy days......

I am sure you part of the Team - Divorce him, Dump him.   It is not always the answer.

 

[boltnrun]

He seldom drives to see her. He makes plans without consulting her and pulls a guilt trip if she doesn't comply. He's expecting her to pitch in her money to buy a home in an area that doesn't work for her. He expects her to pay fully half the rent on his apartment when she only spends something like eight days per month there. These issues seem to be ongoing. 

I don't see this as running away at the first sign of a problem. 

[Skyscrappers]

I remember my former Boss telling me something about Not Starting What You Cant Finish. 

Going by your write up and explanation. you molded this relationship into what it is today and your boyfriend followed since it suits him very well less discomfort for him. 

I wouldn't suggest you dumping him and bailing out of paying the rest. Talk to him and stand your ground on those things you want to put a stop to.

About driving to his place, or making plans for without your knowledge. Do this
Next time he plans something kindly and respectfully tell you have something lined for that day and why didnt he tell you about his plan for the weekend during the week . He will learn his lesson

You having the intention of living together probably might made him rent a bigger apartment beyond his budget so you now cutting out of it might not be too good on your side. 

Kindly tell him, hey i will suggest you find another apartment after this lease runs out it is kind of affecting me financially paying my own rent and half of yours. Discuss it with him.

In the area of flowers or gift, not all men are created to show love that way. If he is responsible enough to pay for dinners when you go out and buys you gift sometimes. i think that is okay. We cannot have it all 100%. 

Some men can be romantic but lazy and some hardworking not too romantic..... so it is something you have to accept but always suggest it to him sometimes to be more romantic but dont let it bother you. 

 

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, Skyscrappers said:

And when she meet someone else and there is a problem, she dumps him and go to the next one. and keep doing that. 
No wonder the divorce rate is high with our generation..

Nobody wants to work through anything, you want the sunny days only but you dont want to work through the rainy days......

I am sure you part of the Team - Divorce him, Dump him.   It is not always the answer.

 

No but encouraging people to learn from their mistakes/to get out of their bad situation, and make good choices in a life partner is better, especially when the partner won't change their poor treatment of someone they say they love. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Andrina.  You are whom you chose to be with or not be with which speaks volumes. 

It's better to be alone than lonely with the wrong man in your life.  (Or, person.)

Never set yourself up for a miserable situation and depressing future. 

If you question his character,  look to your own and what your preferences are.  Is he good enough for you or do you prefer better? 

Tolerate,  accept him as is and lower your expectations because this is all he is willing to offer.  Take it or leave it.   It's your choice.

 

[MissCanuck]

On 3/31/2023 at 5:06 PM, Skyscrappers said:

Nobody wants to work through anything, you want the sunny days only but you dont want to work through the rainy days....

Absolutely not true, or this forum wouldn't be filled with threads of people hanging on to crummy relationships. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/29/2023 at 5:16 PM, lookforclarity said:

. He mentioned he'd renew his lease 

Excellent. This time, do not pay half his rent to visit once in a while. Do not sell your house to finance what he wants.

He's not interested in your feelings, he's interested in manipulating you into opening your wallet. You don't even know anything about his finances.

If you stop paying his rent, stop doing all the driving and stop promising to sell your house to finance what he wants, he may find another lonely widow to swindle.