Looking for peace with my boyfriend who is causing me angst

[lookforclarity]

I’m really at my breaking point. I feel so torn. Part of me cares for my bf a great deal and I know (or it appears) he feels the same way about me. At the same time I don’t know if I can move forward with someone who is sort of tight with money and doesn’t do anything special for me. I used to do things as a surprise like making him cookies or buying his favorite bread but when he never reciprocated (not even with flowers although I hinted several times) I stopped doing it. I know he expects me to pull my weight financially so I don’t have an issue with paying half of trips since he pays for most of our dinners out but I’ve been paying half of the apt we rent even though I only go 2 weekends a month (we live about an hour apart). 

I told him (very strongly) we should alternate weekends b/c it is hard on me to travel back and forth every weekend especially since I still work a few days a week. He, on the other hand, has a very easy job and there are a lot of days he doesn't need to work at all.  But every time a weekend comes up he assumes I'm coming to him. He gives excuses like we need to see new homes together, etc. But this weekend nothing is planned and he is still assuming I'm coming.

One other thing that’s even more or as concerning. He has been making plans for us without asking me many times. Include dinners out with his friends for us, gym classes and the like. He also promised to take turns in weekends in terms of going to his place or mine. But the last few weekends I’ve had to go there since he makes these plans. Who made him in charge?

Should I talk to him again or is it a lost cause?

 

 

[Kwothe28]

So he plans dates and pays for most of your dinners? But your problem is that he is tight with money and doesnt do anything special for you? Lol

Dont think he needs too much money to do something special for you. But some people just arent like that. So if your preferences are that your boyfriend must do that, dont think you would get that there. And its fine you dont reciprocitate if he is like that. But he is not actually stingy and pays for your dates. And you still dont put that into consideration. 

Appartment issue is separate. Dont think you should pay for half if you are there 2 weekends at month. Also why you are there only 2 weekends at month? Probably because your work is closer or something but again, if you are going to pay rent then if you go through with relationship rent something where you both would be at decent lenght with job and where you could actually live together. 

Also yes, you should talk to him. Say that you want to plan something on your own and that he should come to you. You do have a saying in and can initiate things on your own sometimes. Or again, just rent something together and live together. Its ridiculous that you pay for half and dont live there.

[smackie9]

You are not compatible. Go find yourself a thoughtful guy that makes you feel special. 

[Jaunty]

I don't quite understand - you each have your own home an hour apart from one another, and additionally split the rent on an apartment?

In any case, obviously you need to talk to him if you are renting a property together, to figure out how to dissolve this if for no other reason.   

You aren't getting your needs met and you are generally dissatisfied -  you don't mention any efforts to work on things.  Looks like you are incompatible and it's time to say goodbye.

[Coily]

2 hours ago, lookforclarity said:

One other thing that’s even more or as concerning. He has been making plans for us without asking me many times. Include dinners out with his friends for us, gym classes and the like. He also promised to take turns in weekends in terms of going to his place or mine. But the last few weekends I’ve had to go there since he makes these plans. Who made him in charge?

Should I talk to him again or is it a lost cause?

 

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but you did unknowingly make him in charge. He is probably from the school of a man has to do all the hard work in date planing, and early on you went with it.

It sounds like there are a lot of foundational problems with your relationship,  The imbalance of travel, and an imbalance in expectations.

I will say that I think you expecting him to buy things in reciprocity of you making things is unfair, there is a power dynamic struggle there. As he pays for meals, he probably thinks that's a treat not an obligation.

But if he's not listening to your needs and expectations, that's just a bad baseline for a relationship, all of the money and special things are just what you can easily point to. You need to have the conversation and listen, and he needs to listen too. Until you clearly express these problems, with out calling him cheap (as some on here surely will) as he will get very defensive, there is no long term positive solution.

I doubt there will be any change, and you will have to consider going your separate ways.

 

[bluecastle]

Sorry for the troubles. 

The big thing I don't understand is why you're paying 50 percent for an apartment that you only spend 4 nights a month in. How exactly did that arrangement come about? 

I can't help but think that if you guys could sort that bit out, even just financially, then the rest wouldn't grate quite the same way. He pays for dinners and plans various activities, which sounds pretty great. If you'd like him to consult you a bit before locking in plans, I'd say to him, "I love it that you always have so many suggestions for us, be it a gym class or hanging with friends, but in the future can we agree to talk to each other before locking them in? That way we can better plan together for whether we're staying at yours or mine. What do you think about that?"

All that said, it also may very well be that you two have different expectations from a relationship, and that what he naturally brings to the table (paying for dinner, etc.) isn't what you naturally need to feel romantically sated. Doesn't make him a monster or you a shrew, but just two puzzle pieces that don't dovetail. Again, though, it's a kind of curious arrangement in that "his" place is 50 percent yours, a.k.a. "ours," while yours is yours alone. Regardless of how that came to be, I can kind of understand why it's the default nucleus for him: yes, it's convenient, but at some point it also became a shared space, however unconventional the arrangement.   

 

[Batya33]

Agree with others and also really confused as to why you are paying rent let alone half of the rent. Is your name on the lease?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lookforclarity said:

 I’ve been paying half of the apt we rent even though I only go 2 weekends a month 

All you need to do is talk to your adult children, accountant and attorney and most of all stop paying his rent and being hustled into selling your home to finance one for him.

You're both seniors and you need to make wiser choices for your future and retirement. You're not responsible for reimbursing him because he "got cleaned out" in his divorce.

He sees you're a lonely widow with assets. He cares more about how to extract money out of you than your feelings. 

[lookforclarity]

When I spoke to him several weeks ago about how burdensome this is on me, he promised to come to me on some weekends once his search for a home (in his area) was completed and as far as I know, there's no house hunting this weekend, but he expects me to run to him anyway and gets annoyed if I suggest something different. For example, this morning he texted "any chance I can see you earlier this week" meaning he wants me to come to him today or tomorrow instead of Friday. When I replied, "let me see how my day goes at work and I'll call you", no reply from him (which I consider hostile). He made plans for us (w/o asking me) for this Friday for a gym class and I think he uses these reasons as an excuse for me to come visit him.

I thought of replying "You're welcome to come to me this weekend" to see his reply. If he agrees, then I will try to talk to him again; but if he says "well, I made us an appt for the exercise class", I was planning on saying "we can do it next weekend if I come to you". If that doesn't work, am I looking at a lost cause?

[Batya33]

Why are you paying rent? Particularly when he is looking to purchase a home in a location inconvenient for you?

[lookforclarity]

we agreed to try to live together 1/2 the week so the traveling back and forth can be minimized. I tried living there a few days a week and didn't like it. 

I like his area but the real estate is too expensive. I've told him that but he's still looking; he doesn't think it's too expensive but if he wants to buy on his own, he's free to do so. But I don't think he'll do it b/c he's said he wants to be normal again after his divorce....meaning he wants to live with his partner full time.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, lookforclarity said:

we agreed to try to live together 1/2 the week so the traveling back and forth can be minimized. I tried living there a few days a week and didn't like it. 

I like his area but the real estate is too expensive. I've told him that but he's still looking; he doesn't think it's too expensive but if he wants to buy on his own, he's free to do so. But I don't think he'll do it b/c he's said he wants to be normal again after his divorce....meaning he wants to live with his partner full time.

How is sharing physical space with a partner "normal?" Is that how you define normal? Please stop paying rent.  Does he pay your rent -the portion of your rent for when he stays over? Does he pay for food/electricity, cable, etc? I used to spend days at a time in my boyfriend's apartments when we were long distance just as he did when he visited me.  Never kept score, we paid our own rent, we took turns paying for each other.  When we married we moved in together.  When I lived on my own I felt normal.  

[boltnrun]

Can he afford his rent on his own or is he dependent on your $$ in order to be able to pay rent?

[lookforclarity]

no I think he can afford it on his own

[Batya33]

Just now, lookforclarity said:

no I think he can afford it on his own

Cool.  Stop paying -you are just a girlfriend who stays over a few days a week like in many relationships where no one pays rent.

[boltnrun]

Just now, lookforclarity said:

no I think he can afford it on his own

You "think" he can? That's interesting. You don't have any knowledge of his general financial situation?

If he's house hunting that implies he's able to afford to buy a house. Or is he expecting you to pay half the deposit and half the mortgage payments?  Would you be required to put up the money even if you're not living there?

[lookforclarity]

the plan originally was for me to buy half and live there full time. again, I don't want to buy now b/c it's not economically feasible due to high prices, etc. and I'm not confident right now we'd get along in terms of spending money.

[Batya33]

Just now, lookforclarity said:

the plan originally was for me to buy half and live there full time. again, I don't want to buy now b/c it's not economically feasible due to high prices, etc. and I'm not confident right now we'd get along in terms of spending money.

Why would you buy property with a man you're not married to who doesn't want to seem to lift a finger for you? Is it also not economically feasible for you to have an attorney involved in any contracts etc? I mean of course you were going to do that.  Right? Are you sort of coasting along and being willfully passive and blind while you deplete your savings based on someone you are dating long distance?

[lookforclarity]

I thought the apt would work out but it hasn't.  I didn't plan on buying anything with him until we each had an attorney prepare an agreement which we had already discussed. 

I'll ask him to visit me this weekend and let him know I'll be there next weekend (I have to be there next Thursday night for a dinner with his family anyway).  I'll see what his reply is. If it's a bunch of BS again giving me excuses then the handwriting is on the wall.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

I thought the apt would work out but it hasn't.  I didn't plan on buying anything with him until we each had an attorney prepare an agreement which we had already discussed. 

I'll ask him to visit me this weekend and let him know I'll be there next weekend (I have to be there next Thursday night for a dinner with his family anyway).  I'll see what his reply is. If it's a bunch of BS again giving me excuses then the handwriting is on the wall.

But - why are you still paying rent if you don't live there?  I realize you intended to . But you don't.

[lookforclarity]

he hasn't suggested i shouldn't do so and feel a bit guilty. lease ends at end of June.

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, lookforclarity said:

the plan originally was for me to buy half and live there full time. again, I don't want to buy now b/c it's not economically feasible due to high prices, etc. and I'm not confident right now we'd get along in terms of spending money.

Was that his plan or one you two came up with together?

I would definitely not buy a property with this man unless and until your relationship is on more solid ground. And definitely don't sell your property.

[boltnrun]

Just now, lookforclarity said:

he hasn't suggested i shouldn't do so and feel a bit guilty. lease ends at end of June.

Why do you feel guilty? You don't live there!

[lookforclarity]

I know...I didn't want to make waves but I'm pretty upset with him right now so if things don't work out, I won't pay any more but my "turn" is this Friday for April and again on June 1.

[SooSad33]

You mentioned he's still going thru a divorce?  How long have you two been involved?

IMO, he may not be in the right frame of mind yet, to be fully involved with you ( to your terms).

Do you know IF he's had time to re adjust to 'single' life again - had some decent down time on his own before you two began dating?

I suggest you do NOT rush into anything with him.  And set some respectful boundaries.  By explaining you cant do all the travelling and you do not need to help with rent, etc.  ( am i correct you are renting a separate place than, that which is his?  Can you not just do the go between with each others places, come June - if you even want to keep this up with him..).