Relationship at breaking point

[pmw06092016]

Hi all, 

I’m in my thirties, I have 2 children age 4, and 6. I’ve been broken up with their father almost 3 years.

I started a new relationship almost a year ago. From the start he was very loving, attentive, said, did the right things ect. He initially told me he smoked which I said I couldn’t date anyone who smoked, he then said he would stop which he did as he said he had wanted to stop for a while so this gave him the push to stop. His relationship broke down with his children's mum due to her cheating. He welcomed the fact I had children and he also has his own children. He pushed to meet my kids and eventually get the kids together and blend ect. He literally would do anything for me.

Here are the problems, I’d say for the last 3 months things have been a little shaky. He went from wanting to do things on our weekends together with the kids to doing nothing and not suggesting anything ect. We eventually spoke about it and he said he wanted his kids to have 121 time and not feel like they were shared ext. We seem to have set days on seeing each other & there’s no budging on that on his side. He has recently made it clear that his family come before me, as in his brothers parents ext which I found alarming since I’m apparently his life partner who he wants to build a life with, especially since they have treated him so badly. I also found out recently that he has been smoking behind my back for the last 3 months. And last night I found out that he spends more than he let on on gambling websites. I hit the roof and told him to leave said I needed a break. All I asked for is love honesty & respect & I feel like if he can lie about little things what else will happen further down the line? Every time I call him out on anything he makes out I’m overthinking or overreacting like the smoking for example he said “well I haven’t cheated it’s just smoking I thought you would split with me if you found out” I recently had a birthday and he refused to stay over the night before, went and did some jobs for his brother and came after work on my actual birthday, he didn’t understand why I was upset, saying that he had to be up at 6 for work so what was the point, he dropped off some gifts the night before then went to his brothers to do jobs for him. 

Positives to the relationship are that he will always do things to help me, I know he would not cheat and I know he loves me.

He said to me last night it’s no wonder we don’t see each other much when I’m always nagging him starting arguments but the reason I’ve brought things up is because he’s lied about things and won’t give me much time, everything is on his terms.

Please be kind with your comments, I had a rough time with my ex domestic abuse ext and I really wanted this relationship to work and had every faith but I’m just not sure what to do now. 

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like he's looking for a way out of the relationship, if I'm being honest. 

You two need to have an honest talk, but not when you have already been arguing about something. Sit him down when you're both calm and ask him to share what's on his mind about the future. He may or may not open up, but you can't go on like this. 

If he still gets defensive and tries to blame you, then I'm afraid to say that you need to start accepting that this is coming to an end anyway. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

 found out recently that he has been smoking behind my back for the last 3 months. And last night I found out that he spends more than he let on on gambling websites. I hit the roof and told him to leave said I needed a break. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're starting to notice red flags and deal breakers .

You're right to step back and carefully observe if the relationship is viable. He has a lot of liabilities that could lead to headaches and heartaches in the future.

For the time being, put yourself and your children first.  Trying not to focus on fixing his smoking and gambling addictions. He lies to you so arguing about his problems won't help. Protect yourself and your children from it.

Definitely keep your children away from him and stop "blending". He's not who you thought or hoped he is.

[SherrySher]

1.) He refuses to cooperate on when you can see one another and when you cannot.

2.) He lies to you about different things. (It doesn't matter if he doesn't cheat, lying is a huge deal, and a deal breaker for most).

3.) He's a gambler and will no doubt waste a lot of money on it, as well as no doubt go back to the lying about it. And he could possibly put your family in financial ruin if one day you live together.

4.) Wasn't too bothered about your birthday, didn't make much effort at all.

5.) Invalidates your feelings by telling you you're overthinking, overreacting.

6.) You're further down the list of the people he has as a priority.

Seriously, look over this list. If you seen this person on a dating site and this was his list, would you ever bother giving them the time of day?

Stop fooling yourself that you're compatible, or that this guy is a good choice for you.

He isn't.

[SherrySher]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Protect yourself and your children from it.

 

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

For the time being, put yourself and your children first

Absolutely.

Remember, you're not only choosing a partner here, but you're also choosing a father figure for your children.

A gambler, a liar, and a smoker, are big reasons why he is a bad choice.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

He said to me last night it’s no wonder we don’t see each other much when I’m always nagging him starting arguments but the reason I’ve brought things up is because he’s lied about things and won’t give me much time, everything is on his terms.

This is your cue to exit the relationship. He has shown you that he is a secretive liar who doesn't accept responsibility. That equals a terrible relationship partner. 

[Lambert]

I'd end it with this guy. 

I think we all see things at times through the lens of "if only they would do xyz"

But you can't control someone else.  All you can do is bring an issue to a person's attention. How they respond is on them. 

So you're seeing after a year what he is really like.  This relationship won't go back to the good times. They rarely do. The person sees that you accept crap and hence gives more and worse crap.

I'm sorry for what you went through in your past relationship. I'd use that experience to provide self confidence. You got away from that donkey and you're not going to put with another one. 

The things you describe are definitely the traits of a loser guy. Move on now. 

[Andrina]

So the honeymoon period has ended and now you're seeing the realer version of him. Though he has some good traits, the bad definitely outweighs the good.

People can have more than one priority in life as far as people go. It's called a healthy balance, and when that balance is achieved, everyone's happy. In your case, it's  lopsided and top heavy against you.

Convince yourself you deserve better. It's far more efficient to cut the losers loose as soon as you see a dealbreaker so you're free to continue your search. Take care.

[boltnrun]

So he's nice to you and doesn't cheat, but he lies, smokes and gambles.

Do you want your kids to look up to a liar, smoker and gambler?

[smackie9]

The wheels are starting to fall off. Sorry but if there is no apology coming from him, or any remorse for what he has done....this relationship has run it's course. 

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

He went from wanting to do things on our weekends together with the kids to doing nothing and not suggesting anything ect. We eventually spoke about it and he said he wanted his kids to have 121 time and not feel like they were shared ext. We seem to have set days on seeing each other & there’s no budging on that on his side. He has recently made it clear that his family come before me, as in his brothers parents ext which I found alarming since I’m apparently his life partner who he wants to build a life with, especially since they have treated him so badly. I also found out recently that he has been smoking behind my back for the last 3 months. And last night I found out that he spends more than he let on on gambling websites. I hit the roof and told him to leave said I needed a break. All I asked for is love honesty & respect & I feel like if he can lie about little things what else will happen further down the line?

Okay, well, you haven't even been together a year....

And now you're actually seeing his true colours. ( Is common to show one's 'best side' in the beginning, but expect changes).

No, you cannot 'make' someone change.  It's accept or let go. ( To truly quit something like smoking is VERY hard to do and expect failure there a number of times before you can actually succeed). As for his other habit, gambling etc, it's really HIS choice.  It is also HIS life.  He will not 'change' that for you, sorry. 😕 

And remember, you two have been together such a short amount of time.  Of course HIS kids will come first, family etc. ( they've been by him his whole life- as you'd expect same thing from your side).

So, by sounds of it, you two just aren't so compatible after all.

[catfeeder]

23 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

... He pushed to meet my kids and eventually get the kids together and blend ect. He literally would do anything for me.

Be careful of the love bomber. They're fabulous at first, and they want a future with you right away! But your gut will likely tell you that they're coming on bit too strongly and a bit prematurely. Their flame tends to burn out pretty quickly, too, and you'll see the truth about them as they unravel.

Best to learn enough about a person over t.i.m.e. before involving your kids. Otherwise, you end up teaching them that adult relationships are disposable, just because you didn't do enough vetting before encouraging them to attach.

My heart goes out to you.

[Tinydance]

The big thing I see from your post is that you're just not compatible. Even if you just take the smoking for example. I know you asked commenters to be kind but if I must be honest, I think the fact that you're dating a smoker is really more on you. You knew he was a smoker when you met him and you say it's a deal breaker for you but yet you continued to date him.

I think in a sense it's no different when for example someone is a vegan or a certain religion and they meet someone and say: "I expect you to become a vegan/follow my religion".

I'm not actually saying smoking is good but what I'm trying to say is you meet someone and you expect them to change quite a lot to match what you ACTUALLY want in a partner, because they don't match it. What you would be better off doing is for example finding a man who is actually not a smoker to begin with. Smoking is actually really addictive so it's not surprising he wasn't really able to quit. Especially because he probably didn't actually want to and was only doing it for you.

Also you're right that if you're supposed to be his serious partner, why is he putting you last and not making time for you?

In terms of the gambling, I wouldn't actually say he lied to you, but he just didn't tell you he gambles. So now that you know he gambles and you're not OK with it, you can see he has a few big deal breakers. It would be different if it was just something small like, you like rock music and he likes country music. These deal breakers are more serous and they are off putting to you. Also they are both an addiction so your partner struggles with addiction.

 

[pmw06092016]

Thanks or the replies,

I just need to clear a few things up…

@Tinydance

On the first date I found out he smoked and said I can’t continue to date you as I hate smoking & he actually said that he was intending to stop & he stopped the following day, so I gave it a chance because I liked him. I never forced him to change it was his choice & his suggestion. 
He did lie with the gambling because he told me he used to spend £10 every two weeks then I later found out he had spent £70 over a few day period but he initially lied saying it was over 3 months, I actually said to him are you not sorry for lying & he said no it’s my money we don’t live together & I said yes but we will never get to a stage of living together if your lying to me already, there was no reason for him to lie.

@catfeeder

I didn’t introduce the children until after 6 months although he wanted to earlier than that, but unfortunately the past 3 months I’ve had doubts leading to how I feel right now.

 

I’m just so disappointed, I put everything into this, gave it my all, and so did he to start with but now it’s falling apart. My kids come above anything of course I expect that but he’s telling me his family as in his brothers & dad come first when in reality they all have treated him badly, use him ect but in a negative way, I just don’t know why he even needed to say that to me in the first place.

We do see each other but it’s when he is free and it’s set days no budging unless he needs to change things round for himself.

I’ve just found it incredibly hard because l put so much into this relationship, I honestly thought I’d met the one, I was so happy, but recently I’ve just felt so ***, it took a lot for me to introduce my kids to him, I’m just so disappointed & feel a failure to my kids.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, pmw06092016 said:

Thanks or the replies,

I just need to clear a few things up…

@Tinydance

On the first date I found out he smoked and said I can’t continue to date you as I hate smoking & he actually said that he was intending to stop & he stopped the following day, so I gave it a chance because I liked him. I never forced him to change it was his choice & his suggestion. 
He did lie with the gambling because he told me he used to spend £10 every two weeks then I later found out he had spent £70 over a few day period but he initially lied saying it was over 3 months, I actually said to him are you not sorry for lying & he said no it’s my money we don’t live together & I said yes but we will never get to a stage of living together if your lying to me already, there was no reason for him to lie.

@catfeeder

I didn’t introduce the children until after 6 months although he wanted to earlier than that, but unfortunately the past 3 months I’ve had doubts leading to how I feel right now.

 

I’m just so disappointed, I put everything into this, gave it my all, and so did he to start with but now it’s falling apart. My kids come above anything of course I expect that but he’s telling me his family as in his brothers & dad come first when in reality they all have treated him badly, use him ect but in a negative way, I just don’t know why he even needed to say that to me in the first place.

We do see each other but it’s when he is free and it’s set days no budging unless he needs to change things round for himself.

I’ve just found it incredibly hard because l put so much into this relationship, I honestly thought I’d met the one, I was so happy, but recently I’ve just felt so ***, it took a lot for me to introduce my kids to him, I’m just so disappointed & feel a failure to my kids.

Yes it's very disappointing because as you said, he lied to you. So he was presenting himself differently to what he's actually like. The problem is though that even if he didn't lie about the smoking and extent of gambling, he's actually not what you're looking for in a partner. Of course the fact that he lied makes it worse.

But even if he said to you: "By the way, I actually am smoking again and I'm gambling more", that still doesn't change the fact that he's actually doing those things and they're deal breakers for you. You don't want to date a smoker or gambler and I think many people wouldn't. So it's reasonable that they're deal breakers for you.

The only way he'd be the right partner for you is if he actually gave up smoking and gambling for good. It doesn't sound like he truly wants to quit though. Also you gotta keep in mind that smoking and gambling are actually an addiction. The reason why they're called an addiction is because they control the person and they can't just quit on the spot because that's not how addiction works. He'd need to probably get treatment like therapy or support groups for his gambling. And for smoking he might need to use nicotine patches or gum.

Usually it takes many attempts to get over the addiction and the person can relapse. So you don't actually have guarantee that he would overcome these addictions and within what amount of time. But firstly he'd even need to want to overcome them, which it doesn't sound like he actually wants to.

I think the fact that he lies about it and also says: "Well it's not your money so I can do what I want" also shows that he doesn't actually see the gambling as a problem. Or he has excuses for why he gambles.

It's like if an alcoholic kept drinking and coming up with excuses like: "What's the problem, I'm not driving", "It's the weekend", "I'm stressed", etc. That's how addiction works, the person comes up with reasons why they're doing it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Usually it takes many attempts to get over the addiction and the person can relapse. So you don't actually have guarantee that he would overcome these addictions and within what amount of time. But firstly he'd even need to want to overcome them, which it doesn't sound like he actually wants to.

I think the fact that he lies about it and also says: "Well it's not your money so I can do what I want" also shows that he doesn't actually see the gambling as a problem. Or he has excuses for why he gambles.

It's like if an alcoholic kept drinking and coming up with excuses like: "What's the problem, I'm not driving", "It's the weekend", "I'm stressed", etc. That's how addiction works, the person comes up with reasons why they're doing it.

Yes- I didn't date any smokers or trying to quit people (I smoked for about a year in the early 80s. I quit cold turkey and never smoked again so by the time I dated someone who wouldn't date a smoker (at the time my high school boyfriend smoked occasionally) I had quit years earlier. So in the future I wouldn't date a recent quitter nor would I date someone who regularly gambled -as opposed to -when we go to Vegas, etc I allow myself X dollars a day as entertainment gambling or I buy an occasional lottery ticket.

I'd wait to introduce the kids in a -this is my partner-sense until you're almost engaged or engaged. Before that it can be very casual like mom's friend - kids don't get dating, they get attached.  I think your kids will be fine and you're a good mom!

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

I’ve just found it incredibly hard because l put so much into this relationship, I honestly thought I’d met the one, I was so happy, but recently I’ve just felt so ***, it took a lot for me to introduce my kids to him, I’m just so disappointed & feel a failure to my kids.

Understandable. But it's time to stop investing in him. You misjudged him. You made a mistake. Nothing to beat yourself up over. Chalk this up to a learning experience and keep on moving. Next time, you'll do better.

[ostoyanova]

I'm really sorry that this is happening. I hope that you will have the strength to get through this and enjoy your little babies.