What is this married man's intentions?

[Callia]

So, there is someone I know who I am NOT allowed to date because of workplace policies (however, I don't see him often at all).

In the past he was very flirty with me, and would touch me all of the time, caress my hand, touch his feet to my feet, tell me that he likes me. He even started giving me hugs. And I feel lonely and I like him a great deal (terrible I know) so...

About a year ago I reached out to him on Skype. I have no idea if he got my message (it might have been an outdated account) but he said to me recently "I'm not on social media"). I didn't know if this was in reference to my attempts at contact, to discourage me, or if it was in the context of our conversation, in which social media came up...

Anyway, I care about him a lot and I've been worried about him since he'd seemed very stressed and not himself/irritable recently.

This last time I saw him I told him that I'd been worried about him and he confided ALL of this stuff in me (about his family, their health problems, his own health and some "personal problems.")  He told me he is now drinking less.

Also, my appearance came up and he said two or three times "you are beautiful" and also he kept commenting on my clothing and how great and healthy I looked. He really was almost acting like he was in awe of how I looked. I mean, he made several comments and kept babbling on about my appearance.

So here is my question. In the past I felt like he was hitting on me, making innuendos and suggestive comments but I feel he's toned it down a bit, hasn't been as touchy-feely, told me he's not available on social media, etc. So I'd begun to think maybe he's not interested in me anymore.

In this context, how do you read the comments about my appearance and the fact that he was confiding in me SO much??? Would he act this way if he didn't like me? After all, isn't it meaningful for a man to keep telling a woman she is beautiful??

I found out he has taken an extended leave of absence from work so I won't see him for some time--if he even returns, that is. I am so worried about him and so heartbroken. (In hindsight, he'd hinted to me about his leave but I didn't realize it at the time).

This is a real-life situation and I'm only human. It's confusing and stressful to have these feelings but also not know what his intentions are. Without being hateful--I know this is a controversial topic--can you tell me what you think is going on in our connection? Do you think he has feelings for me? What is he looking for? 

[boltnrun]

What I think is trying to get involved with a married man is wrong, improper and asking for a world of trouble.

1 minute ago, Callia said:

someone I know who I am NOT allowed to date because of workplace policies

This should be the least of your worries.

As for my opinion? His behavior is inappropriate and predatory. He's a creeper who should be avoided at all costs. If you're forced to interact with him at work keep it strictly professional. Tell him if he persists with the inappropriate comments and behavior you will be reporting him to HR. 

And please consider finding ways to meet decent and AVAILABLE men outside of work. 

[Kwothe28]

Just what do you think his intentions are if he is married but flirts with you and initiates physical touch? Its not really that hard to see his intentions there.

I dont know you but think you can do better then married man with issues. That is really the rock bottom. 

[HeartGoesOn]

3 hours ago, Callia said:

In this context, how do you read the comments about my appearance and the fact that he was confiding in me SO much??? Would he act this way if he didn't like me? After all, isn't it meaningful for a man to keep telling a woman she is beautiful??

There's nothing meaningful about a married man flirting with another woman with telling her she's "beautiful." He's openly demonstrating his  disloyality towards his wife, along with saying he doesn't care about the woman he exchanged vows with.

If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

[Coily]

I get that you are lonely, but this is a very dark path you are looking at taking with a married man. He's picking up on your vulnerability, and clearly beauty; but where does that leave you? Heart broken and used because he promises for years to divorce his wife and never does?

You deserve better than a someone who will discard quickly when trouble comes knocking.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Callia said:

What is he looking for? 

Sounds to me like he's looking to cheat on his wife.

[Batya33]

I'm only human and I agree with all the others.  Many feelings are confusing and stressful.  Many humans who have confusing and stressful feelings have to choose to react to confusing and stressful feelings in ways that are consistent with caring for oneself and caring for others and doing what is right and ethical depending on the situation even when the human finds it so very very hard to do so.  You know this too. 

If you truly were concerned about his well-being as a fellow human you would have said "I hear that you are struggling.  My advice is to talk to your wife and the two of you together can find ways to help -maybe that will involve professional resources like a therapist or a healthcare provider -I don't know and frankly it is none of my business as this is between you and your wife."

What would be meaningful is not having a married man tell you you are beautiful.  What would be meaningful is telling yourself that your inner beauty depends on you making tough choices to do the right thing.  It's really something how people who consistently do the right thing with respect to fellow human beings often have like this inner glow and you can see it in their eyes too. I highly recommend it.  

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Callia said:

 I feel lonely and I like him a great deal

Unfortunately this seems more like sexual harassment by the workplace wolf. He's married with a family so you don't have to   "worry" about him.

Worry about your own happiness. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single, sober available men. Don't settle for someone like this.  

[trojan]

I've been involved with two married women. I would never do this again. Screwed up for all three people involved. I was stupiderback then than am now.

[MissCanuck]

Let his wife worry about him. 

He sounds like a total dirtbag. I know you feel lonely and were flattered by his attention, but this kind of man will chew you up and spit you out. Set your standards higher and find a real man. This one is toying with you. 

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, Callia said:

So, there is someone I know who I am NOT allowed to date because of workplace policies

This wouldn't be dating, if it happened. Call it what it would be: cheating.

Is there a reason you don't feel guilty for reaching out to a married man on social media? What's the reason you didn't stop him from inappropriate touching at work? Because you value unethical attention more than you value good ethics? 

If you think two wrongs will turn into a magical fairy tale ending, your naivety is egregious. Even if he was single, he has a drinking problem, and people who are attempting sobriety are told not to enter into new relationships until they've reached a minimum of a year with being sober.

Your loneliness and low-self worth make you easy prey for predators. Stay alone and work on your self-worth before attempting dating, because if you don't, that's all you will attract: cheaters, physical and emotional abusers, and people who suffer from addictions.

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Callia said:

So, there is someone I know who I am NOT allowed to date because of workplace policies

Don't you find it at all deluded to tell yourself that 'workplace policies' are the reason you're not 'allowed' to have an affair with a married man?

[Callia]

It's me, guys, I just like this guy sooooo much. I know I am kind of clueless, but why do you think he is giving me mixed signals. Do you think it's because he's confused himself, or is it to give himself an "out" (deniability) if I don't return his attentions? I guess I just get so confused the way he runs hot and cold. Like touching me a lot, then not doing it. Then giving me verbal compliments, but discouraging me from contacting him. Going on leave without reaching out to me first, etc. I am so confused and I deeply care about him!!!

[Andrina]

On 3/16/2023 at 5:07 PM, Andrina said:

Your loneliness and low-self worth make you easy prey for predators. Stay alone and work on your self-worth before attempting dating, because if you don't, that's all you will attract: cheaters, physical and emotional abusers, and people who suffer from addictions.

I guess you failed to listen to my or anyone else's advice, so why ask again? Cats bat around mice, let them run again, and then pounce because it's fun, and they don't care about the welfare of that mouse. You may as well go by one of those headbands with mouse ears to fully embrace your role, since you haven't disengaged yourself from his toxic game.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Callia said:

It's me, guys, I just like this guy sooooo much. I know I am kind of clueless, but why do you think he is giving me mixed signals. Do you think it's because he's confused himself, or is it to give himself an "out" (deniability) if I don't return his attentions? I guess I just get so confused the way he runs hot and cold. Like touching me a lot, then not doing it. Then giving me verbal compliments, but discouraging me from contacting him. Going on leave without reaching out to me first, etc. I am so confused and I deeply care about him!!!

Here's a simple clue so you won't have an excuse to be clue-less.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  He gets pleasure out of his choices as to how/when to interact with you. Maybe he likes how you react when he touches you then pulls away.  Who knows.  And -who cares? It doesn't sound like you care about him at all -let alone deeply. If you did care you would choose to stay away from him and treat him cordially and professionally only.  You would react to any inappropriate comments or advances with a firm but polite "no" or similar. You care only about whether he is interested in a romantic relationship with you.  You care only about the challenge of it.  That has nothing to do with caring about a person.  

As far as your attempt to psychoanalyze him you wouldn't be capable of it even if you were a health care provider because you'd be too biased.  He may be in denial, he may be bored, he may feel like being physically close to you or he may have just watched a sexy video and then you happened to walk by.  Who knows, who cares.

[Seraphim]

So let me ask you…. If you are married would it be ok for another woman to have designs on your husband ? Are you okay with that?  

[boltnrun]

He wants sex from you.  He wants you to be his mistress.  He wants you to be his dirty secret.  You'd be alone on holidays and would never be able to introduce him to your parents, your siblings or your friends.  If you become pregnant he will abandon you.

Sound fun?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Callia said:

. Then giving me verbal compliments, but discouraging me from contacting him. 

He's married so he doesn't want contact. Any hot cold things you're noticing are due to his home life and heavy drinking. It would be best to date  outside of work.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Callia said:

I know I am kind of clueless

You are not clueless. 

You are hoping to hear he wants you, because you so badly want him. Have you taken into consideration any of the above posts? 

[Superstickyone]

He's been casually talking to you AND leading you on with the touching and compliments.  Understandably, you are lonely and his attention feels good.  Just realize this will go no where, whether he likes you or not. MM is not dating or courting you. Your hopes are high that something more will develop.  It won't and you'll feel the breadcrumbs are inadequate.

Please vastly lower your expectations for this situation.  It's ultra casual for him and I'm sure he likes your attention. There is a whole world of men out there who are actually available. 

Please sign up for a dating website and start chatting with other men.  Other men WILL be interested in you.

Totally dead end prospect here.  Close the book and move on, for the sake of your own mental well being!

 

 

 

 

[gamon]

On 4/8/2023 at 9:11 AM, Callia said:

It's me, guys, I just like this guy sooooo much.

You've ignored every reply and every question posed to you by helpful members here.

That's really rude.

Almost as bad as not even considering the ramifications of chasing after a married guy.

Does his wife not have any inherent right that other women stay away from the guy who exchanged lifetime promises?

 

 

[Jaunty]

On 4/8/2023 at 6:11 AM, Callia said:

It's me, guys, I just like this guy sooooo much. I know I am kind of clueless, but why do you think he is giving me mixed signals.

Oh please just stop girl.

He is really a loser, anyone with eyes and some kind of capacity for objective observation can see this.  I mean, even in the loserly pool of married men looking for chances to cheat, this guy stands out.  The touching and truly idiotic compliments are just cringe inducing to read.  

Sounds pretty gross.  I bet he is bad at sex, too.  Maybe you'll report back after you get your "reward" for engaging in this truly pathetic back & forth.

[HeartGoesOn]

What is this married man's intentions?

He's looking for a side dish, as his intentions are classic and nothing new.  Also, I have a hunch you're choosing denial, over common sense.

When he gets tired of you, and/or you start asking for more, etc, he'll chew you up and spit you out, (sorry to be blunt).

In short, when all is said and done, he'll deny ever knowing you.

[sweetlady]

On 3/16/2023 at 2:57 PM, Callia said:

So, there is someone I know who I am NOT allowed to date because of workplace policies (however, I don't see him often at all).

In the past he was very flirty with me, and would touch me all of the time, caress my hand, touch his feet to my feet, tell me that he likes me. He even started giving me hugs. And I feel lonely and I like him a great deal (terrible I know) so...

About a year ago I reached out to him on Skype. I have no idea if he got my message (it might have been an outdated account) but he said to me recently "I'm not on social media"). I didn't know if this was in reference to my attempts at contact, to discourage me, or if it was in the context of our conversation, in which social media came up...

Anyway, I care about him a lot and I've been worried about him since he'd seemed very stressed and not himself/irritable recently.

This last time I saw him I told him that I'd been worried about him and he confided ALL of this stuff in me (about his family, their health problems, his own health and some "personal problems.")  He told me he is now drinking less.

Also, my appearance came up and he said two or three times "you are beautiful" and also he kept commenting on my clothing and how great and healthy I looked. He really was almost acting like he was in awe of how I looked. I mean, he made several comments and kept babbling on about my appearance.

So here is my question. In the past I felt like he was hitting on me, making innuendos and suggestive comments but I feel he's toned it down a bit, hasn't been as touchy-feely, told me he's not available on social media, etc. So I'd begun to think maybe he's not interested in me anymore.

In this context, how do you read the comments about my appearance and the fact that he was confiding in me SO much??? Would he act this way if he didn't like me? After all, isn't it meaningful for a man to keep telling a woman she is beautiful??

I found out he has taken an extended leave of absence from work so I won't see him for some time--if he even returns, that is. I am so worried about him and so heartbroken. (In hindsight, he'd hinted to me about his leave but I didn't realize it at the time).

This is a real-life situation and I'm only human. It's confusing and stressful to have these feelings but also not know what his intentions are. Without being hateful--I know this is a controversial topic--can you tell me what you think is going on in our connection? Do you think he has feelings for me? What is he looking for? 

He probably does fancy you but that be for sex etc. So he can have his cake and eat it.

He is married he won't ever leave her. 

The best thing I would say to do is move on from him. You will get hurt or known as a home wrecker if you go there. Nip it in the bud now.