I’m in love with my married friend - she doesn’t know

[kai.rou]

Please bear with me, this is long and very complicated so needed to elaborate quite a lot.
As the title says: I (32m) am in love with my friend (31f) who is married and has a family.

Just to be clear, she has no idea I feel this way, and she has never ever cheated on her husband (also 32m), and we are absolutely not having an affair. She’s completely in love with him, and him with her. They’re the typical fairytale couple, and treat each other like royalty, are very affectionate with each other, and very happy.

Both of them have been through some awful horrendous stuff in their pasts and had both given up on love until they met, and have had a really amazing relationship ever since. 
They’re my friends and I would never ever want to ruin their marriage or come between them!

 

I actually met her last year in group therapy, and she was the only one in the group who didn’t look down on me and treated me like a normal human being and not like a monster, like everyone else.

I am a recovering/recovered addict (sex addiction) and have been for 6 years now. I am completely abstinent these days. I must make it absolutely clear that I never EVER abused or harmed anyone in any way, or committed any kind of crime. Every encounter I had was mutually consensual (multiple friends with benefits, use of escorts, and unfortunately I did date women a lot, and basically used them for sex and even cheated a lot whenever I had a girlfriend, which I’m ashamed and sickened to admit to now).

I did, however, become ‘the other man’ 6.5-7 years ago when I had a purely physical affair with another (now former) female friend whilst she was in a committed relationship with her then-boyfriend, who was also a friend of mine. I was physically/sexually attracted to her, but that was all. I had no intention of ever pursuing a relationship with her.

She had come to me complaining that whilst she loved her boyfriend and wanted a future with him, he “wasn’t any good in bed”, and was - to use her words - “too vanilla and boring”. 

So she asked me to be her friend with benefits, because she knew I had a lot of “experience”, going by how many women I’d slept with. Something that absolutely repulses me now.

At first, I’ll admit that yes, I was only sorry we got caught (he was suspicious and then found messages between us and she confessed to everything). But then I genuinely became remorseful because ffs he was my friend. I had just screwed up my friend’s relationship, and had a hand in sending his mental health spiralling. I absolutely hated myself for it, and the enormity of what I’d become hit me like a ton of bricks, and I couldn’t believe I had become this kind of person. 
I moved cities (I live in Canada), a long way away, and found some help for my addiction. 
After about 6 months, I did make contact with him by way of a letter of apology, and it was sincere. 
I took responsibility and apologized profusely, and stated that I am disgusted and ashamed by my own actions and that I am getting help, and that I don’t expect forgiveness.

I don’t think I got it, and that’s okay. I understand and respect that; I still don’t forgive myself, so I get it.

He needed that apology and that closure though, and it’s not about me.

I haven’t heard from him since, and again, I totally understand.

 

Anyway, now, I have fallen for my female friend. And yes, I do know the difference between attraction, infatuation, idolization and love. I have gone over and over and over all of this in my mind for months now.

I am definitely in love with her, and I wish I wasn’t.

She’s so happy in her marriage and I never ever want to be responsible for breaking up a couple again. 
I wish I could use the excuse “I was young and stupid back then”, and whilst the latter is definitely true, I was 25-26 years old. I was a grown man and knew exactly what I was doing. There was no excuse. There’s even less excuse now! 
She has always been a fiercely loyal friend to me, despite knowing my past, what I did and how I used to be.

She says quite often that I’m not that person any more, and that most people would never even admit to having done anything wrong, let alone take full accountability, get help and recover from it.

I guess she’s right? But oh god, if she knew how I was feeling for her, she’d probably freak out and never speak to me again! And I wouldn’t blame her!

This isn’t just physical; yes she is incredibly beautiful and attractive, hot etc, but she’s just a beautiful person, you know? She’s so kind, caring, open minded, sensible, understanding, supportive and loyal to everyone in her life. She’s also incredibly honest, whilst also being tactful. She will definitely tell someone how it is and holds people accountable, isn’t afraid to set firm boundaries, and is one of the strongest and bravest people I know after having been through a hellish life since childhood. She’s very wise and intelligent, too, and has a lot of interests; some of which, we share.

Her husband is incredibly lucky and thankfully he knows it! To be fair, she’s also lucky to have him, because he’s all of those things too, and shows her how much he loves her all the time. 
I envy him so much though.

I wish I was him a lot of the time.

Not just because he has her, but because he’s a much better person than me in every way. 
Anyway, as I said, yes she is incredibly beautiful, but it’s her entire personality that I’ve fallen for. It was impossible not to!

In fact, I feel for her so strongly, that even if I did become lucky enough to ever have a chance with her, I am too terrified to even consider having sex with her! I wouldn’t want to risk relapsing and then cheating on her or hurting her or worse!? The thought absolutely terrifies me.

I do think about kissing her a lot, or just holding her, and at first it makes me feel tingly and warm, but then I remember that I can’t, and probably never will, and I fall into a deep and overwhelming sadness. Heartbreak??

But I can’t seem to distance myself from her. 
I have never made it clear how I feel, I just keep acting like normal around them, and have no intention of ever telling her. 
I don’t want to lose one or both of the only true friends I have, and I don’t want to come between or risk breaking up a happy couple ever again! But this is eating me up.

I am considering moving away again, because I honestly don’t know what else to do!
I want her to be happy and in a good relationship at long last, which she is. 
I can’t promise I’d ever give her that, going by my history.  Her happiness and security and safety is most important here. But I obviously can’t just switch off my feelings.

And I know she’d be devastated to lose a friend again. Sadly she’s lost a lot over the years through no fault of her own,  but I also can’t tell her the real reason I would be exiting her life if I did do so. 
What do I do? I have never been in love before, only lust. 
This is overwhelming and terrifying and I have no clue what the hell to do without hurting anyone else. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, kai.rou said:

I actually met her last year in group therapy. I am a recovering/recovered addict (sex addiction). I do think about kissing her a lot, or just holding her, and at first it makes me feel tingly and warm, 

Sorry this happened. Are you still in recovery or accepting help and treatment? Please talk to your therapist about these feelings. It sounds like you are relapsing and having sexual fantasies about her.

[kai.rou]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Are you still in recovery or accepting help and treatment? Please talk to your therapist about these feelings. It sounds like you are relapsing and having sexual fantasies about her.

Yes I am still in therapy. I have said this already.

No I’m not having sexual fantasies about her at all?
I have even stated in my original post that this isn’t the case. 
I know the difference between what I used to feel, and what I feel now. This is not a relapse whatsoever, please read my post properly. I did explain that nothing about how I feel is sexual or physical in any way. The feelings are romantic, not physical.

When I say I envision kissing her and holding her, it is literally just that. Kissing and cuddling. 
Nothing sexual.

[kai.rou]

I just want to make it very crystal clear to any future repliers that my feelings for this woman are romantic, not physical. In my original post, I did actually say that the thought of sex absolutely terrifies me now! So it’s completely out of the question.

I am still in complete control of myself in that area of things.

When I say I find myself wishing I could kiss her and hold her, I mean exactly that: just a kiss (not “making out” type kissing, but just chaste kisses.) And holding her, meaning cuddling her. That is it.

[1a1a]

A thought, while you nurture this flame for your friend, are you keeping yourself super safe from ever forming a meaningful relationship with someone else (and opening yourself up to the chance of being hurt again). 
 

I feel like you might get some benefit out of the baggage reclaim blog, it’s good reading. 

[kai.rou]

1 minute ago, 1a1a said:

A thought, while you nurture this flame for your friend, are you keeping yourself super safe from ever forming a meaningful relationship with someone else (and opening yourself up to the chance of being hurt again). 
 

I feel like you might get some benefit out of the baggage reclaim blog, it’s good reading. 

I have not been in any kind of relationship or dated at all since I moved away and got myself help 6 years ago. 
I have been deliberately avoiding both, because I am too afraid of hurting someone again.

That, and I have had no genuine feelings or interest in any other woman until now. Not even sexual attraction any more. 
I have undergone some very intense CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) specifically aimed at this type of addiction, over the years, and also group talking therapy/counselling outside of that, which is where I met her last year. 
In having this type of CBT, I had to “rewire my brain”, so to speak. It seems to have “switched off” that desire to want sex at all. Now I’m frightened and repulsed by the thought of it. 
So I suppose, yes, I have closed myself off from forming meaningful relationships, but not because I’m afraid of being hurt, but because I’m afraid of being the one to CAUSE hurt again.

As far as friendships go, I haven’t closed myself off to those; more like people hear about my past, think I’m some monster or even a criminal (yes, people have assumed I am a rapist or sexual abuser, even though I never actually was. I never EVER stooped that low!) So it’s more like people don’t want to associate with ME!

They judge me before they get to know me, and in some ways I don’t blame them. But it does hurt.

All I’ve wanted is real friendships for the past 6 years, and now I finally have them, I’ve fallen in love with one of them! 😞

[Kwothe28]

You maybe kicked off your sex addiction. But you still have to learn about functioning relationships. That you probably never even had because of ONS and other things. For example, if you want a functioning relationship, you friends, especially married ones, are off the limits. No matter how hot they look or good they are to you. Its just a "no- no" by itself. You bonded and developed feelings because she accepted you as you are even when you were your lowest. But its something that you shouldnt even entertain as an idea, let alone try something. I wouldnt recommend moving. Just go to therapy and find healthier ways when it comes to finding partners. If it helps dont hang out with her for a while until you forget that idea. 

[kai.rou]

25 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You maybe kicked off your sex addiction. But you still have to learn about functioning relationships. That you probably never even had because of ONS and other things. For example, if you want a functioning relationship, you friends, especially married ones, are off the limits. No matter how hot they look or good they are to you. Its just a "no- no" by itself. You bonded and developed feelings because she accepted you as you are even when you were your lowest. But its something that you shouldnt even entertain as an idea, let alone try something. I wouldnt recommend moving. Just go to therapy and find healthier ways when it comes to finding partners. If it helps dont hang out with her for a while until you forget that idea. 

I already do have therapy for those things. I have definitely tried to seek out functioning relationships (well, friendships, nothing romantic. I’ve sworn myself off those by my own choice), but unfortunately it’s more the case that people don’t want to know ME. They find out about my past, and automatically assume that I am some sort of monster or a criminal (which I’m not.) They also seem to think that people can’t grow and change.

So it isn’t like I haven’t tried to form friendships - I have. But they hear about “the old me” who doesn’t even exist any more, and decide to drop me. 
I don’t think it’s just because she accepted me, that I love her. It isn’t just that. It’s everything about her, as I’ve said. She’s just an all around amazing person, and it’s hard NOT to fall in love with her. At least in my opinion (and clearly her husband’s!)

I am fully aware she’s off limits. I have no intention of doing anything about it, and never have.

At the moment, I’m not hanging out with her, but she’s started to notice this distancing, and has become upset about it and asked if she’s done anything wrong. Of course I told her she hasn’t, and that I’m just very busy. But she’s not stupid. She’s a business owner herself, not to mention a mother, and SHE is extremely busy! But she still makes time for others.

Unfortunately, she’s had awful friendships in the past that were abusive towards her, and many who just ditched her, and went on to make sure she was totally ostracized and isolated, fabricated smear campaigns against her, harassed and stalked and bullied her - yes even in adulthood! So sadly now, she sees me distancing myself and probably thinks it’s happening all over again, and for that I feel awful. I don’t want to hurt her like that again.

So she kind of called bullsh*t on it and asked me for the “real reason”. Of course, I couldn’t tell her and I won’t be telling her! How can I? 
What will that achieve? I don’t want to come between them, and I also don’t want to ruin two of the best friendships I’ve ever had or am ever likely to have! 
I don’t see that I have any other option BUT to move away. At least then I can give the excuse I was looking at new places to live and for a new job, as an explanation as to why I haven’t been hanging out lately… I HATE lying, but I feel I have no choice.

She knows something is up. She just doesn’t know what.

Believe me, I KNOW she’s off limits. I can’t help how I feel though, and I have no intention of acting on any of this. Ultimately I want her to be happy and in a good marriage, which she is.

I already AM in therapy… I have stated this already??

[kai.rou]

Another update since I need to keep making this clear apparently:

 

I AM already in therapy. I have stated this numerous times.

I am having romantic feelings- NOT sexual. 
 

I know she is off limits, hence why I have no intention at all of telling her or making any kind of move. Again, I have stated this.

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, kai.rou said:

 They find out about my past, and automatically assume that I am some sort of monster or a criminal .

Has your therapist discussed how upfront you should be with your past history? For example, you may want to keep things private and confidential until you know and trust someone with such personal information. As far as your friend, all you can do is continue to maintain the boundaries.

[kai.rou]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has your therapist discussed how upfront you should be with your past history? For example, you may want to keep things private and confidential until you know and trust someone with such personal information. As far as your friend, all you can do is continue to maintain the boundaries.

It wasn’t me that told anyone; it’s people from my past. As soon as they find out I have any friends, they would find them on social media and message them “spilling the tea” about me. Mostly women I had slept with or ones I had cheated on years ago. Despite me also apologizing years ago to these women, and sincerely meaning it, they’ve chosen to be bitter still, and try to ruin my life and any chance I have of rebuilding myself. I am not the person I used to be; I don’t identify with him any more. The guy I used to be makes me sick and want to kick his ass. I hate him. I’ve worked so, SO hard to turn my life around, and I have done. But these people seem hell bent on trying to destroy me.

I know I hurt them and I used them, and I probably caused them irreversible betrayal and trust trauma, and I cannot undo that as much as I wish I could. But I did honestly and sincerely apologize to them and took full accountability, but they just won’t let go, or let me move on, and in acting like this, they won’t move on themselves either. They seem hell bent on poisoning anyone and everyone against me, and refuse to accept that I have changed and gotten my act together.

So yeah, I wasn’t the one who told people. 

And yes I know, I have been, but she’s beginning to figure out that something is up because I’ve been keeping my distance. She’s asked me for the real reason and I can’t tell her, obviously.

At this point I feel like moving away again is my only option. But also I just feel this massive gaping hole in my chest and I feel like someone is constantly kicking me in the stomach, and I’m not too proud to admit that this has all made me cry a few times.

This is my first ever time being in love and it sucks that it has to be with someone I can’t and will never have.

I feel quite literally heartbroken.

[Batya33]

What you do is avoid interacting with her and over time the romantic feelings will fade.  Same as if you craved a food that made you sick or you were allergic to, same as if you felt really really angry at someone who pushed your buttons -even if you had to see the person (like a coworker etc) you would keep interactions to the bare minimum, keep all interactions as impersonal/professional as possible and therefore your anger would be triggered less and less.  

[kai.rou]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

What you do is avoid interacting with her and over time the romantic feelings will fade.  Same as if you craved a food that made you sick or you were allergic to, same as if you felt really really angry at someone who pushed your buttons -even if you had to see the person (like a coworker etc) you would keep interactions to the bare minimum, keep all interactions as impersonal/professional as possible and therefore your anger would be triggered less and less.  

Yeah, I’ve been trying that, but unfortunately she’s noticed and called me out on it. I fed her some “I’ve been super busy” line, which I felt awful for because I HATE lying, and she doesn’t tolerate liars either. 
But she isn’t stupid; she is not only a business owner, but also a mom, so she’s ACTUALLY very very busy! But she still makes time for others. So she definitely knows something is up, and called BS on it, then asked me for the real reason, but obviously I can’t tell her the truth. 
That’s why I’m looking into moving away again. 
At least then I can give her the “I was looking at new places to live, and for a new job” excuse.

I know it sounds horrible but I don’t see any other choice.

She’s been ditched, ostracized, bullied and worse by former friends before, even well into adulthood, so she’s definitely seeing red flags here again, though my reasoning is nowhere near as sinister and hurtful as theirs was to her! 

I feel genuinely heartbroken. Like someone’s kicking me in the gut and punching me in the chest constantly, it’s horrible! 

[Batya33]

Just now, kai.rou said:

Yeah, I’ve been trying that, but unfortunately she’s noticed and called me out on it. I fed her some “I’ve been super busy” line, which I felt awful for because I HATE lying, and she doesn’t tolerate liars either.

Don't try.  Do.  You are not required to share your feelings in the name of honesty.  That's oversharing not honesty.   If she notices and calls you out simply say "I really enjoyed our chats.  I realized for personal reasons it's not healthful for me to be in contact with you right now and it's nothing you did wrong at all -I wish you and your family the best!"

 

[kai.rou]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Don't try.  Do.  You are not required to share your feelings in the name of honesty.  That's oversharing not honesty.   If she notices and calls you out simply say "I really enjoyed our chats.  I realized for personal reasons it's not healthful for me to be in contact with you right now and it's nothing you did wrong at all -I wish you and your family the best!"

 

I WAS doing it…? I still am.

But if I do that then I risk losing her entirely, even as a friend. That is my problem here.

It’s easy to say “just do it” when you’re not in this situation. The thing is, she and her husband are pretty much the only real friends I have. 
If I lose them, I have nobody. Not for lack of trying, either.

[Coily]

You are like a caged tiger, waiting to pounce. This is an avoidance technique, you have attached feelings to the most unavailable woman you know. Either to avoid being hurt by falling back into your old habits, or to feed some self punishment/self denial.

Until you add some distance those boundaries will shrink and temptation will grow,  if you really loved her you would realize that you need to end the friendship; not cling to it like a safety blanket.

You need to look into meet-up groups, new hobbies, and just about any new outlet to help you find more healthy friendships. Otherwise your obsessive thoughts will crowd out your reason and hurt her and her husband.

I expect this to fall on deaf ears, as you want to cling to this imaginary world, rather than explore the rest of it.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kai.rou said:

I WAS doing it…? I still am.

But if I do that then I risk losing her entirely, even as a friend. That is my problem here.

It’s easy to say “just do it” when you’re not in this situation. The thing is, she and her husband are pretty much the only real friends I have. 
If I lose them, I have nobody. Not for lack of trying, either.

Often doing the right thing is not easy. In fact it can be difficult.  Of course.  Been there.  You cannot be a true friend to her since you want her romantically so badly.  It's selfish to maintain the friendship so you have friends.  You are not a friend to her husband since you want his wife badly.  You said you "tried" and my response is don't try -do it. Cut off more than impersonal/acquaintance contact. And then devote your energies to meeting new people.  I'm sorry it's so hard.  I get it. It is. 

And when you accomplish doing the right thing -not just trying, not just making excuses, not just indulging in flinging "well it's easy for you to say" at whomever suggests stepping up to the plate and doing the right thing - you will know you are a person who is ready to be the right person in an authentic, genuine friendship.  Good luck.

[kai.rou]

29 minutes ago, Coily said:

You are like a caged tiger, waiting to pounce. This is an avoidance technique, you have attached feelings to the most unavailable woman you know. Either to avoid being hurt by falling back into your old habits, or to feed some self punishment/self denial.

Until you add some distance those boundaries will shrink and temptation will grow,  if you really loved her you would realize that you need to end the friendship; not cling to it like a safety blanket.

You need to look into meet-up groups, new hobbies, and just about any new outlet to help you find more healthy friendships. Otherwise your obsessive thoughts will crowd out your reason and hurt her and her husband.

I expect this to fall on deaf ears, as you want to cling to this imaginary world, rather than explore the rest of it.

Um. No. I’m not lol. I’m absolutely NOT “waiting to pounce”. I’ve stated MULTIPLE TIMES that I’ve got no intention of even telling her, and absolutely not acting on it! I think it’s you with the “deaf ears” here.
Did you really need to resort to insults? I’m absolutely NOT “clinging on to” any “imaginary world”. What the ***? Where did you get that from?!

There was really no need to attack me like that. I’m not giving into any temptation, either.

Also I don’t appreciate the armchair psychoanalysis; I didn’t willingly fall for this woman, and there is no ulterior motive behind it either!? I don’t WANT to feel this way. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly thrilled about how I feel and I have absolutely no intention of even letting her know, let alone acting on it! 
I have stated my reasons in other replies as to why I don’t want to just ditch her. 
However, I think my willingness to literally MOVE AWAY proves my point that I’m completely willing to put some distance between us!!!!

Again, you didn’t need to be rude and try and insult me, or imply that I’m doing any of this on purpose or for any “motive”. There is no motive.

I just happened to fall for someone. I didn’t ask to. I didn’t want to. I was perfectly fine just being her friend but unfortunately I don’t get to choose my feelings!

I would NEVER try to sabotage her marriage. Try reading my posts and other replies before attacking me.

[Batya33]

You cannot control feelings.  You can control all reactions to these sorts of feelings especially.  Good luck.  I think you want to vent or you want someone to say how you can continue to be close friends with someone's wife and with the husband when you so badly want his wife.  You cannot.

[kai.rou]

Please, for the love of god, PROPERLY READ MY POST AND REPLIES before replying. 
I don’t appreciate being insulted, accused of things I’m not doing or have no intention of doing AT ALL, or given armchair psychoanalyses/diagnoses from people. 

I am in a really crappy situation here, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, and it seems my only option here is to leave and move away.

Believe me, I have tried to keep my distance and not hang out with her, but she got so upset by it because she feels like she’s just being ditched all over again; something which happened to her en masse for years and left her with betrayal trauma (hence why she was in therapy, among other reasons, where we met). I don’t want to add to that, and besides which I do enjoy our actual friendship. I don’t have anyone else, and not for lack of trying. Everyone I try to befriend hears of my past and then just ends up walking away.

My own family disowned me years ago (a completely separate issue; they abused me). So I have no one.

I am completely 100% willing to move away which seems like my only option here.

It’ll be a lot harder to find this kind of therapy I’m having at the moment, but I don’t see any other choice.

I didn’t CHOOSE to fall for an unavailable woman! It’s not exactly a nice experience! It’s awful, I hate every moment of it! I miss when we were just friends, but the longer our friendship went on, the more I spent time with her and learned what kind of person she was, the more my feelings grew. There’s nothing sinister or planned about this. It is what it is. And I’m definitely NOT “waiting to pounce”! I’ve learned from my past mistakes and bad choices - I’m not going to repeat them any time soon! God no!

This whole thing is ripping me to pieces. So maybe please try not to be rude and insulting in your responses. There’s no need for that; it’s uncalled for and it’s untrue. You don’t know me to make those kinds of judgments and accusations about me.

I will be ignoring/blocking anyone who insults me. I don’t have to put up with that.

[redswim30]

Do I think you're in love with your friend?  Yes, I do.  OK, now that that's out of the way- 

I don't like to attach the labels "right" and "wrong" to things, because there's so much in life that isn't simple or black and white.   I don't believe that we choose who we love.  I think really falling in love sometimes does just happen to us, no matter our circumstances.   I don't think it's "controllable", and I think that biologically we are animals that experiences all sorts of feelings that that we know aren't always appropriate within our social construct.  Sometimes these are unacceptable things, sometimes our constructs seem silly. 

However, we DO live within certain societal constructs.   I'm glad that you care enough about them both to not want to hurt them.   I think you would be wise to remember this; Feelings and actions don't always live on the same block.   Feelings don't always mean we should take actions.  And when we do take action, the result won't always match our feelings. 

Sometimes when we build someone up so much, we fail to recognize logic and realism.  Realistically, your friend isn't perfect.  Her husband isn't perfect.  You aren't perfect.  No relationship is perfect.  Theirs isn't and even if you DID have one with her, that would not be perfect either. 

I wonder if because of your past, you are seeking this feeling of "goodness" and "perfection".  You recognize this in them and in her specifically.  It's fine to see that and desire that, and it still could mean you have real feelings for her.  But it's also important to understand that perfection doesn't exist and whether you see it in her or another women, you will be disappointed.

Personally, I think you are missing out on meeting another wonderful and available woman that could potentially be an even better match for you.  As much as you may love your friend, no one is ever going to live up to an image of perfection.  There's tons of people in the world, odds of there being someone like her that's been looking for someone like you is extremely high! 

In my view, you really have two choices. 

1. As you mentioned, distance yourself.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Meet new people and look for someone unattached.  You can say you are looking for a girlfriend or spending more time working on yourself.  You don't need to explain further.

2. Tell her the truth.  Understand this is not likely to end how you want it to.  Best case scenario, she is who you think she is and respond kindly but with a firm, " I'm so flattered, but I'm in love with my husband." Worst case, she is appalled and doesn't want to see you again.  And with either response, she'll probably feel best with some distance between you.  I don't think you have to move. 

Please note the common denominator in these options.  You have to move forward and move on. 

I won't do you the disservice of saying "just get over her", as I know it's not that easy.  However, you have to do something for your own well being.  Either keep the feelings to yourself and learn to get over her.  Or else confess your feelings and then work on getting over her.   No matter what, you need to take her off a pedestal in your mind.  

I'm glad you are on the road to recovery and you are seeking therapy.  Good for you! Truly.  That's not easy.  Time to take this a step further and focus on yourself and new relationships and experiences. 

A good way to distract yourself in the meantime, try new things.  Take a class, go rock climbing, explore new towns.  Work on fulfilling yourself.  You can do this. 

All the best, 

Red

 

[Coily]

18 minutes ago, kai.rou said:

Um. No. I’m not lol. I’m absolutely NOT “waiting to pounce”. I’ve stated MULTIPLE TIMES that I’ve got no intention of even telling her, and absolutely not acting on it! I think it’s you with the “deaf ears” here.
Did you really need to resort to insults? I’m absolutely NOT “clinging on to” any “imaginary world”. What the ***? Where did you get that from?!

There was really no need to attack me like that. I’m not giving into any temptation, either.

Also I don’t appreciate the armchair psychoanalysis; I didn’t willingly fall for this woman, and there is no ulterior motive behind it either!? I don’t WANT to feel this way. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly thrilled about how I feel and I have absolutely no intention of even letting her know, let alone acting on it! 
I have stated my reasons in other replies as to why I don’t want to just ditch her. 
However, I think my willingness to literally MOVE AWAY proves my point that I’m completely willing to put some distance between us!!!!

Again, you didn’t need to be rude and try and insult me, or imply that I’m doing any of this on purpose or for any “motive”. There is no motive.

I just happened to fall for someone. I didn’t ask to. I didn’t want to. I was perfectly fine just being her friend but unfortunately I don’t get to choose my feelings!

I would NEVER try to sabotage her marriage. Try reading my posts and other replies before attacking me.

Wow, never knew I'd be proven so correct, so quickly. If you can't take some thought provoking criticism, then I must be hitting a little too close to something that makes you uncomfortable.

[kai.rou]

2 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

Do I think you're in love with your friend?  Yes, I do.  OK, now that that's out of the way- 

I don't like to attach the labels "right" and "wrong" to things, because there's so much in life that isn't simple or black and white.   I don't believe that we choose who we love.  I think really falling in love sometimes does just happen to us, no matter our circumstances.   I don't think it's "controllable", and I think that biologically we are animals that experiences all sorts of feelings that that we know aren't always appropriate within our social construct.  Sometimes these are unacceptable things, sometimes our constructs seem silly. 

However, we DO live within certain societal constructs.   I'm glad that you care enough about them both to not want to hurt them.   I think you would be wise to remember this; Feelings and actions don't always live on the same block.   Feelings don't always mean we should take actions.  And when we do take action, the result won't always match our feelings. 

Sometimes when we build someone up so much, we fail to recognize logic and realism.  Realistically, your friend isn't perfect.  Her husband isn't perfect.  You aren't perfect.  No relationship is perfect.  Theirs isn't and even if you DID have one with her, that would not be perfect either. 

I wonder if because of your past, you are seeking this feeling of "goodness" and "perfection".  You recognize this in them and in her specifically.  It's fine to see that and desire that, and it still could mean you have real feelings for her.  But it's also important to understand that perfection doesn't exist and whether you see it in her or another women, you will be disappointed.

Personally, I think you are missing out on meeting another wonderful and available woman that could potentially be an even better match for you.  As much as you may love your friend, no one is ever going to live up to an image of perfection.  There's tons of people in the world, odds of there being someone like her that's been looking for someone like you is extremely high! 

In my view, you really have two choices. 

1. As you mentioned, distance yourself.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Meet new people and look for someone unattached.  You can say you are looking for a girlfriend or spending more time working on yourself.  You don't need to explain further.

2. Tell her the truth.  Understand this is not likely to end how you want it to.  Best case scenario, she is who you think she is and respond kindly but with a firm, " I'm so flattered, but I'm in love with my husband." Worst case, she is appalled and doesn't want to see you again.  And with either response, she'll probably feel best with some distance between you.  I don't think you have to move. 

Please note the common denominator in these options.  You have to move forward and move on. 

I won't do you the disservice of saying "just get over her", as I know it's not that easy.  However, you have to do something for your own well being.  Either keep the feelings to yourself and learn to get over her.  Or else confess your feelings and then work on getting over her.   No matter what, you need to take her off a pedestal in your mind.  

I'm glad you are on the road to recovery and you are seeking therapy.  Good for you! Truly.  That's not easy.  Time to take this a step further and focus on yourself and new relationships and experiences. 

A good way to distract yourself in the meantime, try new things.  Take a class, go rock climbing, explore new towns.  Work on fulfilling yourself.  You can do this. 

All the best, 

Red

 

Thank you. 
Oh no I know for sure she’s not perfect (we met in group therapy after all lol), I know a lot about her now, and I know she’s definitely not perfect, he isn’t either, and I know no relationship is perfect, but theirs is as close to it as it’s possible to get, I guess.

To be honest, I don’t think I’m looking for anything at all. I’m definitely not seeking a romantic relationship, because I can’t trust myself not to fall back into old habits quite yet. Though I think I’ve been doing a damn good job of it, all things considered!

I’m definitely not looking for perfection, I’d be a major hypocrite if I was haha - I’m very flawed myself, obviously! I am too afraid to be in any romantic relationship, and honestly it’s like my feelings had “switched off” entirely until I met and got to know her.

I would never ever cross any boundaries ever again. Knowing what devastation I caused in the past, I couldn’t do that again. I don’t identify with the “old me” any more. I hate him, he makes me sick to be honest. 
Hurting my two only friends is absolutely not an option for me. 
I am definitely considering moving away, even if it’s only temporary until these feelings go away.

I guess I could look into clubs and stuff, but I’m not sure there would be many for a guy in his 30s wherever I go? I’m not super sporty and definitely not artistic in any way or interested in music, so I’m not sure what I COULD do? But I could look I guess.

I would love to meet and make new friends, but unfortunately people (women) from my past have a habit of finding out who I associate with via social media (how? I have NO idea!) and then “reaching out to them” to “spill all the tea” about my past. Sadly I have lost many friends over the last few years that way, once they find out.

Apparently people can’t seem to grasp the concept of growth and change in others? It sucks.

I have blocked these bitter women on everything but I guess they must be using fake accounts to stalk me online and try and alienate any friends I make? My two friends are the only people it didn’t work on. Yes, seriously.

I would love to just die and be reborn as someone else entirely and start completely anew, but I can’t do that sadly. Seems my past is going to haunt me everywhere I go.

And I have no hopes (and no intentions!) of ever finding The One any more to be honest. Even if I do one day finally allow myself to do that, I can’t see any woman who would trust me. I know that’s my own fault but it still hurts. I know addiction is a mental illness and I have gotten help and still am, but due to the stigma surrounding it I feel I’m probably going to grow old and die alone and that’s a horrible feeling. 

[Batya33]

If you do decide to share how you feel then accept that she may tell her husband and he might be very angry with you whether the anger is justified or not. Consider whether you’re prepared to deal with that sort of reaction and the potential fall out and risks. 

[kai.rou]

To the two users I have added to my “ignore” list after the accusations and insults, please stop replying to my thread. I don’t wish to engage with you any more, and thankfully I can’t see your replies, however it does tell me that you have replied.

Please just leave me alone. 
I came here for genuine advice, not judgment, baseless accusations and insults. 
 

Thanks.