What is Going On??

[ILSA]

Hi. I'm glad I found this site. I am looking to be a part of an online forum. I will dive right into this. For the past (what seems like months and months) things have been changing with what I thought were some of my closest relationships.

I know that a lot of people said that their relationships changed or disappeared during the pandemic. I actually was keeping in touch with people during the pandemic. Let's just say that during a very small amount of time:

1)I started perimenopause (I know TMI, but I'm in my mid-forties and this has brought about some changes)

2)Men have stopped noticing me almost completely

3)My sister started distancing herself more and more from me, after starting to date someone that I met once. I helped her and stayed with her for two months during the pandemic when she experienced high levels of OCD. After she finally went to an inpatient clinic for a month, she came back out (this was about a year ago) and since then has started distancing herself from me more and more. She forgets plans we make, only calls me back hours later and seems to be too busy. We used to be what I thought was very close. I have blocked her from my phone for more than a month and she has not attempted to find a different way to reach out. She lives in the next building.

3)I'm not in touch with my middle sister either, because when I turned to her for support about a friend I will talk about next, she basically insulted me.

4) My good friend, xxxxxxxx, who I felt extremely close to, just started distancing himself from me as well. Never calls anymore, when I call, he keeps it short, never suggests dinner anymore. And this is a big one, never calls me when he hangs out in our local coffee shop, which he used to do regularly. I was in touch with him throughout the pandemic, but then, there was one time, that he called 3 different times during the course of a week and I didn't pick up. Shortly after, my phone got ruined and I lost his number. I tried to call him on What'sApp but it didn't go through and only about eight months later, was able to get his phone number from someone I saw on the street that knows him.  I called him and we actually sat in a coffee shop for four hours. but after that, it was never the same. This also relates to me thinking I somehow look different, because maybe he also had romantic inclinations, but did not after seeing me again. I tried, repeatedly to get closure from him about why our relationship changed. He says nothing's changed. When he sees me, we talk, but he never reaches out. I explained to him about what happened and that I had lost his number. It is true I didn't pick up his call on 3 different occasions, but it wasn't personal.

5) A person who I thought was someone I could get close to, also never reaches out. A female. We see each other and say hi, but she never reaches out.

6) Another guy, who was a coffee buddy, also distanced himself. Again, making me feel like something about my looks changed a lot.

Sorry for the book. I cannot tell you the amount of anguish I feel. I have blocked all of them. This has affected me tremendously. I experience chest pains daily from the anguish. I cannot for the life of me understand how people who I have felt such a kinship with, have turned their backs on me, with no closure, no explanations. 

I know the saying "if everyone around you is an a-hole, then you are the a-hole." I must be a horrible human being. And on top of that, I don't even feel sexually attractive anymore, since men don't even look anymore. 

These are people who used to look for me, who gave me the impression they needed and wanted to be close to me. All at once???? No understanding as to why? How does someone explain that to themselves?  And no, they don't have connections with each other, they're all separate from one another.

I am single as well, so I don't have a significant other. 

I consulted a clergy person, and they offered some help. Any advice would be helpful. I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you so much.

[Jaunty]

Wow, you are going through a lot and I'm sorry.  But, you are not helping your situation by blocking everybody as soon as you perceive a slight.   

You know, everybody has a lot going on in their own lives.  Some of these people may have consciously chosen to distance themselves from you. What their reasons may be I have no idea.  

But in at least some of your examples, you seem to be putting yourself at the center of something that may have nothing to do with you.  A woman you thought you could get close to "never reaches out."  Why is that up to her?  You could be reaching out.  Maybe she is shy.   Who knows.

Same goes for the "coffee buddy."  That type of connection often peters out for all kinds of people.  Things get busy, somebody gets into a relationship, a lot of time passes and then it fades into the past.  It's likely not about you or how you look at all.

My advice to you is to try to put aside this list of grievances and see if there is anything you need to be accountable for on YOUR side of the street with the people who are legitimately close to you, like your sisters.   If you have some responsibility in what has happened, are there amends that can be made?  If you don't think that's the case but you still love and miss the person, consider letting bygones be just that.  Unblock them and start your relationship fresh by reaching out and trying to rebuild.  

I hope you reconnect with people who are important to you. 

Take care.

[ILSA]

Thank you so much for replying. You stated the same thing the clergy person said! You give great advice. And I know you're right. But I refuse to reach out to people who have changed their patterns towards me without explanations. And yes, I am suffering deeply. If they don't care to talk to me about what has changed after we shared deep and heartfelt moments, then I will not reach out. It is most likely a flaw, but I refuse to run after people.

The person who never reaches out was someone that shared many deep conversations with me. She'll always tell me to call her, but my experience with her is that she says one thing and does another. I have known her for probably 14 years, but it's never gone past the "acquaintance" stage.

I have always been fun, fun to talk to, engaging, great conversationalist, nurturing, (used to be called pretty all the time) etc., etc. I don't even feel human at the moment. I need to gather enough funds for a life coach and analyze myself bit by bit. 

I have analyzed myself extensively. I have asked my sister to please tell me what has changed for her, and that I would respect her decision even if she cut off contact, but to please just TELL me what has changed. She says nothing's changed. I never, in a million years, would ever, ever, ever, believe that my own sister, would pretty much ghost me. It is mind-blowing. It is abandonment, truly.

I feel like my heart is is so much pain, it is unreal.

Thank you so much for your reply.

[smackie9]

It's not always the best but have you consulted your doctor about getting a hormone patch? 

[Kwothe28]

You are not a horrible human being. I mean I dont know you but from just this story I dont think so. 

Anyway, first, I am sorry but yes, looks usually fade away with years. If you were rellying on that, yes, you probably wont get that much attention from men like you did, lets say in your 20s. Its just how it is, time usually isnt our ally.

Secondly, I just dont see how that matters when it comes to your friendships or family relationships. One sister started having less time for you because she dates somebody. Not positive, but its understandable that she would have less time for you if she wants to focus on growing that relationship. Second sister, I dunno what she said but if she insulted you that is on her. 

And finally, thirdly, I have no idea why you equalize your loss of friendships with your looks. Dunno if its because your loss of self- esteem that is evident or you thought those men are interested in you romantically, but its not suppose to be how friendships work. Friendships dont have romantic inclinations(otherwise they would be relationships or arrangements like FWB) so your looks shouldnt be a factor there. Like, at all because again, if looks is what was important there, they are not friendships. Also one more thing that is coming as we get older is that your friends circle graduately becomes smaller. People have work, their own families etc. So they wont have time to hang out as they used too. 

I am sorry your reproductive cicle is coming to an end. But just think all you described is something that just happens in time. Rather then something you are resposible for with your actions. You should take care of yourself. Try to live your life. Maybe try to find new friendships that wont have a romantic note(if that was the problem there) and where you would trully be friends. Other then that, its just time. Sorry.

[Andrina]

Although it's common for friendships to change or end, you've had bad luck whereas when it rains, it pours.

First off, since you say your sister didn't enjoy the conversation when you were emotional about a friend distancing himself, perhaps think about your discussions with people, making sure you're also interested in their lives, and that the discussions topics include positive things, like what books you're reading, what good shows you're into, etc.

For now, I wouldn't seek instant friendships because often, friendships take a long to form. But there are ways to just enjoy social gatherings, whether they are repetitive like in book discussion groups, or temporary such as those sip and paint classes.

Just getting out and doing fun things in the world might get you out of your funk.

I know after my first marriage ended, I couldn't count on weekly get togethers with my handful of friends because we all worked different schedules. So I took dance lessons in tango, east coast swing, salsa. I went to some Meetup.com groups. I never made friends doing these things, but I enjoyed chatting with people during the events and so it was a great way to pass my time, instead of being holed up in my house watching T.V. every night of the week.

Also, learn to enjoy your solo time, if you don't. Pick a time in a daily routine to read, or write, and maybe try some new recipes. If you're feeling self-conscious about your looks, perhaps get a new hairstyle. Book an appt. for a facial, or with a makeup artist to teach you new tricks with makeup. For exercise, there are many free streaming exercises on Tubi if you have a fire stick or Roku. They have the old Jane Fonda videos, belly dancing, kickboxing, yoga, etc. Exercise usually makes you feel good because of both the hormones released, and the gradual positive changes in your body.

Good luck.

[Batya33]

On 3/7/2023 at 11:35 PM, ILSA said:

But I refuse to reach out to people who have changed their patterns towards me without explanations.

That's kind of broad and harsh no? I mean you expected that one friend to understand you lost your phone, sent a Whatsapp message and .... that's the only way you  tried to reach out to him for 8 months?

Yesterday I ran into a woman I was pretty good friends with around 7-10 years ago (former neighbor-that's how we met originally).  She all of a sudden went MIA years ago and we'd run into each other every year or so and oddly she'd initiate conversation and then never reach out (I did once or twice)

Yesterday I ran into her at a grocery store -she approached me and was so friendly and chatty.  I said to her directly and simply "I'd really like to be in touch again."  She gave me a lame excuse as to why she hadn't been around (lame because it explained only a year or so maybe of all these years -but we exchanged cell numbers, she's promised to reach out and make a plan and we'll see- but I enjoyed her company, we did share personal stuff -and... why should I stand on this broad principle and not give this another chance (if she reaches out). 

Maybe I'm being too available but it's hard to make friends and we did share some good times. I'm 56 by the way and she's also in her 50s.

I'd reevaluate your standards and your tendency to block people as a reaction.

[catfeeder]

On 3/7/2023 at 11:35 PM, ILSA said:

I refuse to reach out to people who have changed their patterns towards me without explanations. And yes, I am suffering deeply.

I'm so sorry you're suffering. I think the more brittle we become, the more we suffer, because brittle is the opposite of resilient. Unfortunately, the above statement is as brittle as it gets.

People often change patterns because of something about them, not us. In cases where there IS something about us, it's often hitting them at a time when something is also about them.

So personalizing such a shift instead of allowing for some divergence can make us overly sensitive to every bump in the road with everyone else, which compounds cyclical changes into a problem instead of allowing for each instance to work itself out and cycle back around--IF that person is actually as important in your life as you might believe.

Generally speaking, most relationships change multiple times over the course of time because our focus is always shifting priorities. It's a juggle, and many people would describe themselves as not so great at it. We diverge for a time, we cycle back at some point, often times we are improved.

The first relationships I would repair are the sisters. The one said a thing. In a moment. Ask yourself why you 'must' turn that into a forever wound? The other took up with a BF and possibly has mental illness. Do you really want to punish her?

The rest of the peeps can be intimate one moment, dismissive the next, and so they likely aren't great bets for long-range relationships. That doesn't equate to anything 'wrong' with you, it's like two puzzle pieces who don't fit even while both are valid in the larger scheme of things.

These people can be considered acquaintances, but maybe your most intimate and mature friendships are yet to come?

Head high and write more if it helps.

[Tinydance]

In terms of the two male friends, if you suspect they were romantically interested but now aren't because of the perimenapause, 

A) Why do you need male friends who are into you but you're not into them? I don't really see how a friendship can be a real friendship if one of the people actually has romantic agenda and is only keeping the friendship hoping something will happen.

B) If they were into you romantically and now aren't because of your looks, then they only liked your looks and not actually you as a person. If they were your husband and you were 60 - 70 years old and got wrinkles etc., they could lose interest in you because your looks were going. Again, why do you need people like this?

In regards to your sister. You said: "She had high levels of OCD and then she was in an inpatient unit". So what this says is that your sister actually really struggles with pretty serious mental illness. If the OCD gets to the point that she needs someone to stay with her and she was hospitalised, obviously it's quite bad. I'm not saying it's good that she's distanced herself but did you try asking her why? Maybe she's just really mentally unwell. The thing with people with bad mental illness is sometimes they might actually go through periods of time where they distance themselves. But if you block them then that's actually showing them that you are not supportive or tolerant of them having bad times. Like what Marilyn Monroe said: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Also your sister obviously saw that you blocked her so why do you expect her to try to reach out to you on other platforms? If someone just blocked me out of the blue, I'd be like: "Well f you" lol

Also in regards to the guy whose number you lost. I don't think that losing the number and not speaking to him for eight months is really an excuse. Like, did you not have his E-mail or any of his social media? These days losing the number just doesn't really sound like a good excuse. Also even if you lose your phone, normally you can just transfer the number from your  Google or Apple log in or whatever l.

 

[catfeeder]

54 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Also in regards to the guy whose number you lost. I don't think that losing the number and not speaking to him for eight months is really an excuse. Like, did you not have his E-mail or any of his social media? These days losing the number just doesn't really sound like a good excuse. Also even if you lose your phone, normally you can just transfer the number from your  Google or Apple log in or whatever l.

Yeah, this stumps me, too. If I was close enough to someone to care about whether we are friends or not, I'd find a way to contact him beyond a phone call. Even if he had no social media, I could show up at his door or go to the coffee house when he goes there, or if he mattered all that much, I'd go to that shop every day until I saw him or else leave a note with the staff and follow up on it consistently--anything but allow him to believe that I flaked and ghosted him. For months.

So I can kinda see how he might be friendly but find it difficult to trust you again. If he mattered all that much to me, I'd stick my neck out on this one and ask about how I can make this up to him. I'd explain exactly WHY I didn't try harder to reach him--what my thought process was, and that I can see more clearly now how anemic my efforts actually were. And I'd tell him how sorry I am about that, with no 'buts'--because this really was a big deal. I'd convey that I get that it was a big deal, and with no pride barriers making me too brittle to cop to it.

So what was it that your sister said to you about this that struck a nerve?