Sprung, alll springs.

[Coily]

It’s been a wild ride for Coily, and well I just plan on ranting raving for the most part. Lots of idle musings.

So where you start? The foremost thing on my mind these days is turning 40. I absolutely hate it. I have lived life what has felt like standby, helping family, work, friends succeed in life; and I feel I have nothing. Sure thanks and appreciation is there; but I have expended all that for what? 
So yeah, I’m a little bitter, and while not constructive; I am tired of playing content where I am. Sick and tired of putting off fun for being responsible, tired of being the reliable one when others are in need (and rarely having the efforts returned), and damn tired of being single.

That last point seems like it gets driven home like a stake to my heart weekly. Now I am always excited when a friend gets married or has a kid, but I can’t but feel empty and a bit sad. The one thing I have always wanted was a wife, and possibly a family. Why you ask, I grew up mostly alone. Sure I had friends, but I lived in a remote area so plans had to be made; so why you ask would I think a wife would help? Well I have seen many wonderful marriages through the years, far from perfect; but the couples played to the strengths of the other.

Now I know it’s not a panacea for life, but without a companion, someone who I want to be my best self I kind of drift aimlessly it seems. Hell I have an artificial Christmas tree still up, as I rarely  have anyone want to visit. Now I get invited all the time, and if I didn’t take a break I would be out regularly .

But alas, despite my having a social life; and a welcome fixture in my friends’ families; only once have I had a date suggested to me. It’s as if everyone just expects me to be single. That cuts to the bone.

Now I have tried just about every trick and gimmick suggested. Semi-Active in church, volunteered for a while, joined meetup groups, took dancing lessons, and online dating. Yes it’s a numbers game, but I keep coming up snake eyes.

Now I do have a type, happily dated two who fit well. But they both ended the relationship, because I could hardly believe I was so lucky and didn’t navigate well. Though communications fo two ways. Frustratingly, I seem to only attract two kinds of women these days; the fat and the Uber Christian types. I want neither.

I keep telling myself I should give up, but I delude myself into thinking a little more effort and I’ll find a woman who could become my future Mrs coily. 
I am also going to let myself be angry about being single, it’s exhausting to be treated as second class or that something is wrong with me. 

[Coily]

Then I always get the “you have to love yourself before..” blah blah blah. I like myself as a friend. Or empty platitudes about self improvement or doing something to fill the void. Well I run a company, keep in decent shape? though being in a bit of a depressive slump from the impending clock turn over hasn’t helped me keep active recently.

I keep wondering what’s the point if I end up old and alone? Why even bother being responsible when there’s nothing to push myself for?

[mylolita]

Welcome to the journal zone Coily! Oh my goodness!!! AHOY THERE!

I'm sorry to hear about your solitude. It's underrated, I think, often by people who have hardly been alone for any long period their whole life, myself included, and easy for us to spin you yarns or give you a compliment and a pat on the back and think you're good to go.

Rooting for you quietly here, and also, you're a really great writer, always interested in what you have to say, what you're thinking. 

Best wishes from across the pond!

x

[Coily]

Thanks Lo,

 I always have to laugh at how many people just don’t understand how desperately alone some people are. It’s a tragedy, especially when all we get is “hang in there, do X or Y.” Or if you’re on the religious end, “being single is a gift.”

No, being single when you want to find someone sucks. When you have standards, not insane “I have to date a model” standards; but I want a good, kind, thoughtful spouse; who I find both intelligent and sexy. I refuse to settle for, refuse of humanity to find a wife. But some days, far too many days, it feels like all I can attract are dregs. 
I don’t think I am anything but painfully average. Yet... toads that’s all that arrive.

[mylolita]

Nothing wrong with being average Coily, not that you are!

Average people doing average things seem to actually be quite happy. It's almost a gift!!!

I have this theory that we are what we are in our own minds. You see these massively cocky people, think they're amazing - well, to themselves, they are, therefore - they are?! 

You've got the thought and reflective bug, it's a blessing and a curse. 

I send you my version of prayer which is, positive thoughts and hope, from across the pond! And I am rooting for you!

Anyway, gonna shut up, this is your journal! 

Maybe there is a niche market here for a dating site with this kind of vibe!!!


x

[Coily]

What a week it's been. Between work and family... Work is the constant drama of barely scraping by, while unable to complete things due to other people. And Family... Well some people just want to be drama queens for the sake of it. I don't have the energy for such morons.

Speaking of people with more ego than brains... Today has been a spicy one on ENA. I want to laugh, but the lack of self awareness is wild. But I fully expect that post to be looking for justification fo bad behavior.

[Coily]

So I just need to get this off my chest about ENA. I'm really getting sick of all the man bashing in here. There I've said it. I think there are some terribly misandrist posters in here who have a bad experience with men and want to ensure they aren't alone in their suffering!

And don't get me started about the women on here who will tell us all about how "A REAL MAN" will act. Pardon me, but do you even have experience as a man, all the constant questions we have to ask ourselves entering a room? Who's a threat, what possible woman could make a false allegation and get me in trouble, what man will feel the need to intimidate me to mark his territory? Then we have to put on the air of confidence so if there is a woman we want to chat with she sees only the cool calm and collected guy. 

Then whenever a man doesn't basically kowtow to a woman's fickle whim, that somehow he's gaslighting her. No, just no. There are bad people of both sexes out there who will manipulate and abuse other, but only men get drug through the mud most of the time on ENA. It's disgusting.

One individual on here I swear has metaphorically castrated and gouged out the eyes of the men in her life. The proverbial whipped husband, who probably asks for permission to look in a mirror.

i get that ENA is predominantly a female space, I think a lot of good insight is on here; but it doesn't take long for the sexism to creep in. Sigh.

 

[Coily]

I hate that I feel like I need to defend some questionable men from time to time. But when I see some guy being dragged basically because he has a penis, I have to think about it from a man's perspective and put forth some other thoughts.

People are complex, but when I read penis bad get the pitch forks... I have to say something that isn't a condemnation when only half the facts are presented.

[Coily]

Pretty dam done with this forum. I used to really enjoy it here, good advice and once a very equitable ways of dealing with people. But now? The sociopath brings her daddy issues to every conversation, helI we probably know more about her than she does.

I don't enjoy being an Arsenal about it, but when you get two days where a man and woman ask basically the same question and the response is night and day I get concerned. Then I see other biases being trotted out as if Moses has a new set of commandments, give it a rest.

And let me just rant about this real man or man up shet. Sorry, that sexist trash needs to go.  Just because you gender your men doesn't mean it's right for anyone else. F off.

Nearly terminated my account, I dislike seeing such rampant sexism.

[Coily]

Well I may have stepped in the trap one user seems to get so much glee out of setting, but  something had to be said.

On a different note I have been finding I rather enjoy some of these meet and greet social games. Meet at a local brewery or winery, play a muster mystery game, and mingle.

[Coily]

So noticed a trend on here, and one that I think is probably causing more harm than good.

There are a lot of lonely single men who get on this forum looking for some help in finding someone. They perhaps lack the social graces, but they get told the same rather dismissive things. A lot of these men feel that the deck is stacked against them, they are reaching out and when they basically get told "shut up go away" it does not help them find a better way of thinking how to approach women (or men). They get frustrated that they aren't heard, perhaps speak harshly as a reaction. It is very disheartening to see them come here and then get threads closed, when they need to express themselves and not told to shut up.

Women who come on here aren't dealt with as harshly even if they use similar but less angry rhetoric. Both sexes have different approaches to dating, and this current era has rules that are mercurial at best. While I think it's good we have a wide array of experiences here, I think we too often get caught up in our own preconceived notions of ow things work, rather than listening to the users who need to be listened to.

[Coily]

JFC. This place is so damn goofy. Not worth the effort, wanted to help and be helped here; but it’s a ***ing clown show half the time.

[Coily]

More miserable people wanting others to suffer with them.