How long to wait before deeming yourself ghosted/done with?

[Krombopulos]

I've been seeing a girl for three months, we've been super open with each other, have had a lot in common and just really seemed to click. The Saturday before last we had dinner together, had the normal extended conversation (it's normal for us to spend several hours just chatting). A couple days later she said she was sick so we didn't hang out last weekend. I texted her Saturday night and got no response. I texted her Sunday night with no response...? This really caught me off guard as I would have never thought she'd ghost me like this. Should I message her and ask if she's okay? Or should I just hop back on Tinder and try to move on?

[bluecastle]

Have you guys talked about being exclusive with each other? Just trying to understand where things stand after 3 months. 

All in all, I wouldn't keep pressing over text, as you've already sent two over two days. Perhaps she is just really sick? Up to now has she been super responsive? In your shoes I'd just give it a few more days rather than immediately jump onto the dating apps—that feels pretty rash, unless this has been a super casual and undefined situation. 

[smackie9]

You have to remember you two are just dating, and both are free to keep your options open. So you haven't heard from her in over a week, I think it's safe to say you can carry on with the dating app. 

[boltnrun]

Did you finally break up with the girlfriend you seldom saw?  The one you were with for two years who has a child?

You've texted twice and got no response.  I would not text her again.  If she pops back up you can decide if you want to continue dating her.

[moomooland]

She could just be really sick? Are you y'all sleeping together? 

[Coily]

Depending on how sick she is, she may not have the attention span to even want to text. I know when I was sick a few years back, I told a gf at the time how badly I was doing (slept 20 hours a day for weeks). She decided I wasn’t doing enough for her and dumped me.

So wait another week, and if she’s not responded by then write her off.

[Krombopulos]

12 minutes ago, moomooland said:

She could just be really sick? Are you y'all sleeping together? 

I've seen she's posted on Facebook multiple times while not responding to me. We slept with each other once, a little over a month ago

[Krombopulos]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did you finally break up with the girlfriend you seldom saw?  The one you were with for two years who has a child?

You've texted twice and got no response.  I would not text her again.  If she pops back up you can decide if you want to continue dating her.

Yeah, we broke up back in June

[Coily]

1 minute ago, Krombopulos said:

I've seen she's posted on Facebook multiple times while not responding to me. We slept with each other once, a little over a month ago

That paints things in a poor light. Take her non response as her response.

[Batya33]

If it's been that long I'd assume she's moved on. You move on too.  I'm sorry.

[moomooland]

1 hour ago, Krombopulos said:

I've seen she's posted on Facebook multiple times while not responding to me. We slept with each other once, a little over a month ago

She's definitely ignoring you. Sorry 😐 

[Krombopulos]

So after about a week of ghosting she finally responded. Said she never meant to ghost me, thanked me for the dates, wished me the best of luck and ultimately said we don't have enough in common. Kinda wish she would have just stayed ghosted. "not enough in common" has been the end of my last three relationships, it's crazy. Opens up old wounds and insecurities. I wish I could just find someone who'd tell me what I need to change about myself and I could give it my best effort. Makes me feel like I'm like an alien or something because evidently I just have NOTHING in common with anyone. 

I'm torn between:

A.) "I wish they'd just tell me what to change about myself and I'd try my best"There's not much about myself that I would refuse to change and I'd be happy to do if it meant having someone

B.) Just saying *** it, listening to Andrew Tate speeches, committing all my free time to bettering myself and attempt to become Sigma. And even though I feel as if I want to live like that, at my core I don't think I'm capable. See point A for starters lol.  I cry, I'm insecure, I'm risk avoidant, inconsistent and when I wake up from bad dreams I listen to weird ASMR in order to go  back to sleep. Not exactly Sigma behavior. 

Guess I just have to just take things day by day and try to do the right things and follow the right habits.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry she ghosted you and finally responded even though it wasn't the type of reply you had anticipated.  "Not enough in common" was her way of being gentle in a passive way. 

I hear you about preferring people to be more direct and clear with you.  Some people don't want to hurt you so it's better to be evasive and polite.

Give yourself time.  I'm risk avoidant.  I've wept.  You can't force yourself to be someone you're not.  Be you.  If you want to improve yourself in any capacity, do it for yourself and not others. 

 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

tell me what I need to change

I can tell you. Nothing. Unless you're an abuser, an addict, a criminal, chronically and deliberately unemployed or you treat women like garbage you shouldn't "change" to try to get a woman to like you. The secret is finding a woman who's looking for exactly what you are. Yes, it's going to take time. You're going to have a lot of misses before you get a hit. But if true love was easily found it wouldn't be very special.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

Just saying *** it, listening to Andrew Tate speeches

Listening to man who is in jail for human sex trafficking, isnt what you should be doing right now. That man preys on people like you. Guilable men who cant find love. So he sells courses to you and how you would become "Top G" over night and every woman would want you. It doesnt work that way, sorry. Not everyone can be a player. Somebody has to be average. And what you described is something that happens. You just  roll with it and move on.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

  I cry, I'm insecure, I'm risk avoidant, inconsistent and when I wake up from bad dreams I listen to weird ASMR in order to go  back to sleep. 

People you've had a couple of dates with don't know enough about you to be of any value. It's just the standard "we're not a match" explanation.

What you could do given your distress and insomnia is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

In the meantime you could address lifestyle improvements such as better fitness and discontinuing bad habits. Try to stay away from  manoshere cults and gurus. They'll only further your distress and helplessness with misogynistic rhetoric and meaningless concepts such a sigma males,etc.

Instead join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses.  Start socializing with people you have something in common with through a mutual interest.

[Batya33]

When I lacked a spark with someone I often expressed it as not enough in common.  Technically true.  Without a mutual spark you don't have enough in common -feeling-wise-for a potential relationship.  I'm sorry you're disappointed and of course don't change based on a throwaway comment.  If she was specific and it triggered something in you - like "I want to date someone who is physically fit and active" and you had been thinking about that aspect of your life it's not a bad thing if then a comment spurs you to personal growth -not for the person at all -for yourself.  Like that.

[Andrina]

19 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

I wish I could just find someone who'd tell me what I need to change about myself and I could give it my best effort.

Well, people are not chameleons and shouldn't strive to be. If you're changing into an inauthentic person, how long do you think a woman would stay attracted before feeling the phoniness?

Things that are always okay to change is an improvement in self-worth. Read some articles on how to achieve that. People who have self-love and standards are a lot more attractive than, say, a needy doormat. People are also attracted to people who have fulfilling lives besides having a dating life. If that needs improving, that's something to put on a to-do list.

[Coily]

Well dang. Hate to hear this, but she was clearly low quality. Especially with that "not enough in common" attempt at an easy let down. Those are worse than just saying she's not interested.

Now time to rustle some feathers. Bro-tater is a Bottom B jailbait grifter.  He's trash, and all the simga trash is to rip off men who need guidance in life; he's Jack Murphy without the skunk beard and admitting to giving his women to Matt from Tinder. Though sometimes Bro-tater isn't entirely wrong about modern women, but he's the finger paint of thinkers. There are much better people to look to for advice in the "Man-o-Sphere," and contrary to a lot of views the good ones are about helping men understand the changing male-female dynamic. The good ones typically help put things into perspective and make observations about trends, also offer advice on how to better yourself that isn't boiler plate "Go to the gym, work out, and be a player."

Furthermore, don't let anyone, especially a woman, tell you what it is to be "a real man." That will change as quickly as when you ask a woman where she wants to go for dinner. What you need to do is look at your core values, hobbies, and interests; then how do you stick by those principles and attract a mate. You may need to learn how to smooth your approach, but that comes with dating. Don't be afraid to be yourself (ASMR included), and you don't need to love yourself; you just need to like you as a friend.

It's rough, it sucks, and honestly dating is very different now than even 10 years ago. It can be a minefield; but don't make changes in yourself just to fit in some trash sigma or trash male-feminist mold.

[catfeeder]

On 3/14/2023 at 9:05 PM, boltnrun said:

...you shouldn't "change" to try to get a woman to like you. The secret is finding a woman who's looking for exactly what you are. Yes, it's going to take time. You're going to have a lot of misses before you get a hit. But if true love was easily found it wouldn't be very special.

Exactly. The goal isn't to pretzel yourself into someone you are not. The goal is to allow wrong matches to pass early so you can keep meeting new people until you stumble across the right person for you.

That person will own the right vision to 'see' you through the right lens and appreciate you for who you are, flaws and all. This is important, because if you try to go fake, you won't be able to keep that up, and you'll always suffer the anxiety of 'imposter syndrome'.

That's not a relationship, it's a performance, and it's a high stress place to be.

Not everyone--or even most people--will be attracted to you. Only the right person counts.

Unless you can grasp this, you'll keep breaking your own heart over every person who does not matter. And that's a lot of needless suffering for zero payoff.

Head high, and go meet more people.

 

[MissCanuck]

Aren’t you the same guy who tried to sleep with a stripper while still in a relationship? 

Or have I mixed you up with someone else?

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Aren’t you the same guy who tried to sleep with a stripper while still in a relationship? 

Or have I mixed you up with someone else?

Yes, it's the same person.