am i asking too much?

[lonely in Seattle]

So i (38M) had what i thought was the relationship i was looking for, but over the last decade together she became extremely unhappy and began to be cruel to me, and eventually i made the decision to end things. now i feel like a pathetic old guy because i want the same kind of relationship - someone from a culture that values family, doesn't have casual sex, someone who wants kids. in my experience that's almost only immigrants! but dating sites either have bar hoppers or super gym rat / outdoorsy people that just don't match my life, or they've already got kids and want someone to help raise them. i feel guilty wanting another chance at the right relationship, like I'm looking for some skeevy mail order bride or something. am i wrong?

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, lonely in Seattle said:

am i wrong?

Nope, just impatient. Some people search their entire lives for the right relationship. It's not something most of us can just order up like an Amazon delivery.

Stand your ground on your values and keep searching.

[Batya33]

I started dating my future husband when he was 38 and I turned 39.  Our first marriages.  And only.  I'm sorry you feel old -that's sad! In my late 20s/30s I wanted to find the right match for me to marry and start a family. I never had casual sex and stopped even being tempted to by my early 20s.

I wanted marriage and family starting at age 16 or so and had a number of serious LTRs but in my late 20s I finally could move out of my parents' house as I was done with grad school.  I invested time and $$$$ in the husband hunting part of my life (again the right match -I wasn't going to settle and I did not settle). I moved out and moved 9 miles from where I grew up to a high rent neighborhood in the middle of a city teeming with singles and in the location where there were even more singles who had a lot in common with me. I lived where I could walk to work or take quick public transport. 

I was proactive about meeting men and let them "court" me.  I met people through volunteer work, mutual friends, work, dating sites, a couple of dance classes, some gym classes, my neighbors in my apartment building, personal ads, religious organizations that hosted singles events, singles events, book clubs, singles resorts, through former classmates (I set people up too -people returned the favor), through professional organizations and networking groups. 

I met lots of women too and women introduce other women to men -and viceversa.  I worked crazy intense hours from age 28-42 and for the years before that crazy grad school schedule but I was determined.  I made the time for all. 

When I lived 9 miles outside the city and was in the city as much as possible for the same events but living on my own and right near all the "action" made it so much better/easier especially because people rarely drove in that city.    I was on a couple of dating sites, screened well on the phone, met men ASAP in person in public and mostly out of the over 100 men I met in person (culled from hundreds I was in contact with), most were good people, a couple of jerks.

I did go to bars and clubs in my teens and early 20s, less so after that age -that was only a good place for me to meet people if it was a singles event.  

Please don't paint people with such a broad brush or give in to those ridiculous cliches about aging.  Yes -it's a fact that women who are your age likely have to start trying to conceive sooner rather than later.  We were 42 when we married and became parents.  I originally met my husband at work and our second chance at love was almost 11 years after the day we met.  Neither of us was "old".  We were and are physically fit, healthy, very active -I mean we have a teenage son! We've hiked all over the country  and locally and hiked as a family in one foreign country and when we were dating and 40 we hiked in Iceland too.  He wasn't ever into casual sex either. We are not immigrants either nor are we particularly religious.  

If you want to meet people with traditional values find activities that lend themselves to people who gravitate to that -I suggest swing dancing lessons, hiking group, book club, volunteer work with children or elderly people (I did the former from age 35-42, and volunteered many other places starting at age 15).  Do dating sites and limit to profiles wanting what you want.  Move to a city if you can or a better place where single people live. 

But cut out the negative generalizations and cliches.  Have that pity party but limit it to like a 10 minute stretch of time daily where you can bemoan how unfair life is to a single man in his late 30s.  Women who are quality people will suss that out on a first meet or earlier and be turned off by the bitterness. I was.  I declined to meet those men -I could tell from the phone call often -or declined to meet again in person. 

Life isn't fair and meeting the right person isn't a guarantee at all.  But it will happen much faster if it does if you change your behaviors and mindset -like, become the right person to find the right person.  i'm very sorry your prior relationship didn't work out!

[Kwothe28]

13 hours ago, lonely in Seattle said:

but dating sites either have bar hoppers or super gym rat / outdoorsy people that just don't match my life, or they've already got kids and want someone to help raise them.

Well yes welcome to dating over 30.

Also, given what you are looking for, I would avoid dating/hookup apps. Chances of you actually finding somebody now there who would actually want all those things you are looking for, is like searching a needle in a haystack. 

Instead, focus more on maybe finding something you enjoy and search a group that would have single women and would also like that. Maybe you enjoy a good book? Or maybe a movie? Or maybe you would want a cooking class? Find some local groups with focus on those activities and join them. Go to movie night, go to book opening at local bookstore, join some class.

You live in a big city. So there are undoubtetly women there who wouldnt enjoy clubbing(most women after 30 dont enjoy clubbing and the once who do shouldnt be your priority) and are family oriented. So focus on finding groups where they are so maybe you would meet someone there.

[smackie9]

I have to ask, why did she become very unhappy? So much so she was willing to ditch a 10 year relationship? 

[lonely in Seattle]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I have to ask, why did she become very unhappy? So much so she was willing to ditch a 10 year relationship? 

i left her. i tried everything in my power to make her happy and she was abusive toward me. please don't assume things about me

 

 

 

 

[lonely in Seattle]

On 2/26/2023 at 7:46 AM, Kwothe28 said:

Well yes welcome to dating over 30.

Also, given what you are looking for, I would avoid dating/hookup apps. Chances of you actually finding somebody now there who would actually want all those things you are looking for, is like searching a needle in a haystack. 

Instead, focus more on maybe finding something you enjoy and search a group that would have single women and would also like that. Maybe you enjoy a good book? Or maybe a movie? Or maybe you would want a cooking class? Find some local groups with focus on those activities and join them. Go to movie night, go to book opening at local bookstore, join some class.

You live in a big city. So there are undoubtetly women there who wouldnt enjoy clubbing(most women after 30 dont enjoy clubbing and the once who do shouldnt be your priority) and are family oriented. So focus on finding groups where they are so maybe you would meet someone there.

thank you for the advice!

[lonely in Seattle]

On 2/26/2023 at 4:42 AM, Batya33 said:

 

But cut out the negative generalizations and cliches.  Have that pity party but limit it to like a 10 minute stretch of time daily where you can bemoan how unfair life is to a single man in his late 30s.  Women who are quality people will suss that out on a first meet or earlier and be turned off by the bitterness. I was.  I declined to meet those men -I could tell from the phone call often -or declined to meet again in person. 

 

thank you for your advice. i definitely don't think life is unfair to a man my age, I'm just getting a little worried or panicked that i might not be able to find someone who meets my desires. but I'm also going through severe depression as well so I'm sure that's affecting my outlook. thank you again

[Andrina]

I wouldn't go the route of looking to date women from other countries. It's an enormous amount of work documenting that the relationship is real, extremely expensive, and you have to file an affidavit of support that you will be financially responsible for your spouse for 10 years, even if a divorce happens if she's allowed to stay in the country with a green card.

I'm glad you like the advice to get out into the world to find women with healthy hobbies. There are Meetup.com groups that have activities for singles in certain age groups. Many hike, kayak, attend local festivals, etc. I'm sure Seattle must have plenty, since it's a large city. Good luck.

[lonely in Seattle]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I wouldn't go the route of looking to date women from other countries. It's an enormous amount of work documenting that the relationship is real, extremely expensive, and you have to file an affidavit of support that you will be financially responsible for your spouse for 10 years, even if a divorce happens if she's allowed to stay in the country with a green card

oh i meant immigrant community in the US, not an actual sponsoring green card or similar. just bc i don't feel i really connect with US culture very much and i do have some affinity for Chinese and Vietnamese cultures. but as the other replies pointed out i think i was just feeling negative. it feels like there's a woman i could really love out there but the fact that it's basically random chance to actually find her is scary. but i guess that's life

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, lonely in Seattle said:

thank you for your advice. i definitely don't think life is unfair to a man my age, I'm just getting a little worried or panicked that i might not be able to find someone who meets my desires. but I'm also going through severe depression as well so I'm sure that's affecting my outlook. thank you again

I understand!  I went through ups and downs too and was very worried at never having the opportunity to have a biological child. 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, lonely in Seattle said:

t feels like there's a woman i could really love out there but the fact that it's basically random chance to actually find her is scary. but i guess that's life

It is not random chance.  But also no guarantees.  It's not random for a person who wants to be the right person to find the right person and is proactive (I listed above how I was).  I randomly met certain guys along the way but mostly it was because of where I positioned myself.  Honestly I met my husband randomly but also because I was proactive.  It was around my 42nd day of work and his first and we had a welcome breakfast for the newbies.  I knew unlike me and my colleagues he knew no one as he hadn't been a summer intern there.  I knew he was from my hometown (no internet back then either!). 

So I crossed a crowded conference room and introduced myself.  And we chatted.  I had zero interest in him romantically at that time and was dating someone.  I just wanted to be nice and welcoming.  He was very shy.  Had I not done that on that day we wouldn't be married now. I'm sure of it because we didn't work together or even on the same floor of the huge company.  So -random -but not random.  For all I knew he would have set me up with a single guy, etc.

You have to not randomly put yourself -again and again and again -in environments where you can meet likeminded people.  Just like networking for a new job or networking to get new clients, whatever.  Then you actually might randomly meet someone. One of my dear friends I met while on jury duty.  Another I met because she approached me -a stranger-to ask about my stroller. 

I met a man I dated for a few months because I literally sat on the floor in a college hallway on transfer students day and he happened to be sitting next to me.  But I chose to interact with him -random -but not random.  

Are you proactive? How often? How often do you grab onto random chance interactions? Are you good at networking? Are you willing to do the work despite no guarantees? You know I wouldn't have been if I didn't want marriage and family. 

My son's teacher sent me a photo of my son fishing yesterday.  It's his first time fishing, and his first time ever away from home without one of us even for one night.  Never thought we'd get to this time and this place -we worked hard to get here. Never thought I'd become the right person to find the right person.

And others would say - oh ok - but I mean -no biggie and I feel the same when my furbaby greets me after I've been away.  I'm happy for that person who gets so much out of their furbaby as I do with my husband and son.  I'm happy for the person who says "I feel more freedom being on my own-marriage would feel tied down/overhwhelming."    I respect that. 

I also respect someone saying as I did "I have a fun fulfilling life being single.  I do not want to be single and I want to be married to the right person and have the opportunity to have a family." I never ever bought into the notion of feeling "free" when single or that all the negatives about marriage meant it was better to be single. 

So don't lie to yourself but you have to figure out it's worth the work because ruminating over how hard it is to meet someone will come across at some point in a negative vibe/energy way on dates.

As it turned out it was because I crossed a room on Halloween 1994.  But I know it's also because I put myself out there, honed my social skills, relationship skills, adulting skills.  Had to do that in order to be right for him -because we were wrong for each other the first time around. Are you ready to do this work -is it truly worth it to you? Be super honest and blunt with yourself IMO.