Female advice: Frozen Out Suddenly

[Matello77]

Hi everyone,

I have a female friend I've known for 5 years. We go to the same sports club together and travel to competitions together. I've been to her house many times to help put up shelves etc and we sit and chat.

I know her mother too and am on first name terms and have been round her house a few times. 

My friend is a single mum so her own mum was looking after her daughter the other Friday night when we went for some drinks with friends. 

My friend messaged her mum asking if she'd pick us both up and gift me a ride home. 

We left the bar and walked back to her mum's car. As it was cold and dark, part way there I had my hands in my jacket pockets. I just said "link your arm through mine". She did, didn't object. As we were good friends I thought this was ok. 

We got in the back of her mum's car and I thought she seemed she was sat as far away as she could be. Her daughter was very quiet too. When I was dropped off her mum waved but my friends daughter who usually enthusiastically waves at me didn't.

Now my friend treats me with contempt. Picks fault in things I say. Doesn't engage in conversation, I get one word answers. 

I asked her if the linking arms the other Friday night was the reason. She said "what are you talking about? You overthink things. I would tell you if you annoyed me". 

 I do overthink things but when I asked her a couple of days later if she was ok because she'd been short with me, she just said she had things going on and was sorry if she'd been that way with me.

However It is only me she is that way with no-one else.

I don't think she's being honest. But the behaviour has continued. It's unpleasant and upsetting to say the least

 

She is clearly very angry with me and seems to have decided that our friendship is over by her actions not her words.

She avoids me too.

I have no choice now but to back off but I'm stunned after what seems one small mistake, if indeed it is that incident but I can't think of any other event.

Why would she say it isn't incident if it is?

Can anyone offer any insight into this?

Thank you 

M.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Are you content with being platonic friends or have you been hoping this friendship will turn into a romantic relationship?

[smackie9]

Maybe give it some time before you broach the subject again....ask her to speak her mind honestly with you....and let her know that you are quite confused by the attitude you are given. Say you have been friends for so long, that it's only fair to have an explanation to what is troubling her. IMO I doubt she's going to completely cut you off.

There could be a couple of reasons...one she felt you were only friends with her because you only had a romantic interest or two, she's upset that it's taken you years to make a move, and dismissed any intention of interest. 

[Matello77]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Are you content with being platonic friends or have you been hoping this friendship will turn into a romantic relationship?

If I'm honest with myself, there is an attraction I have for her but I'd rather be friends than lose her altogether as she and her daughter enrich my life.

[Cherylyn]

Since you've already asked your friend what you did wrong to offend her in any way yet she never gave you any thorough explanations for her standoffish behavior, follow her cue by dissolving and exiting the friendship.  No sense continuing a friendship when you're disrespected and unwanted.  I'm sorry.  Don't try so hard to figure people out.  If there's a disconnect and you receive mistreatment,  it's your signal to go away and continuing moving on with your own life.

[boltnrun]

49 minutes ago, Matello77 said:

If I'm honest with myself, there is an attraction I have for her but I'd rather be friends than lose her altogether as she and her daughter enrich my life.

So if she found a boyfriend would you feel completely comfortable spending time with them as a couple and not feel any envy at all?

[Matello77]

33 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Since you've already asked your friend what you did wrong to offend her in any way yet she never gave you any thorough explanations for her standoffish behavior, follow her cue by dissolving and exiting the friendship.  No sense continuing a friendship when you're disrespected and unwanted.  I'm sorry.  Don't try so hard to figure people out.  If there's a disconnect and you receive mistreatment,  it's your signal to go away and continuing moving on with your own life.

Thank you. You know, I hadn't though of it as disrespect but it is.

I have a tendency to blame myself 100% for anything that goes wrong and believe that I must be defective. I'm wracking my brains trying to think of what it is when she could simply tell me. Unless she's embarrassed to tell me but I don't see why. It's why I posted on here asking for female advice. To see if anyone would know why she wouldn't say. It just seems so cruel to me to do this.

[Matello77]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So if she found a boyfriend would you feel completely comfortable spending time with them as a couple and not feel any envy at all?

I wouldn't, no.    

 

[boltnrun]

55 minutes ago, Matello77 said:

I wouldn't, no.    

 

My guess is she sensed you want to be more than platonic friends.

I had someone who said he and I were friends but he was a lot more aggressive than you are.  He said several times he thought he and I should date.  I politely declined and he said he accepted this and wanted to remain friends.  I foolishly took him at his word and continued to spend time with him.  Unfortunately, he had people telling him "she wouldn't be spending time with you if she didn't want you", so he took that as a license to keep approaching me.  He finally went too far and I had to end the friendship.  

I don't know if the "link your arm through mine" comment was the final straw (it does sound more like a command than a suggestion from what you wrote) and she doesn't want to feel awkward.  However, she should value you and your friendship enough to tell you so. When my friend went too far and gave me a command (although again, his was much more aggressive) I clearly told him no and that he was crossing a line.  I'm sorry she hasn't been clear with you because IMO she should be.

I would presume she's not interested in spending time together anymore.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So if she found a boyfriend would you feel completely comfortable spending time with them as a couple and not feel any envy at all?

Could be a combo plate of this ^ making her uncomfortable... and maybe her family's comments favoring taking up with you or cutting you loose translating into resentment for such attention from them.

1 hour ago, Matello77 said:

Thank you. You know, I hadn't though of it as disrespect but it is. ...

When you put two things together sometimes it gets you closer to the truth. 

If I know that a guy likes me romantically while I don't feel the same, that makes me uncomfortable, and so I will not try to craft a friendship out of that mix.

In my younger years I tried to have it both ways, and that taught me WHY to not do that.

You have a mixed agenda--play friendzies while really wanting more. That kind of game rarely (if ever) turns out well, and I'm sorry.

[Andrina]

Male/female friendships with this dynamic usually always have an expiration date. This is a watershed moment you should allow to happen.

This long friendship crush is preventing you from bonding with a love interest who would want to date you. Many people are intuitive and would sense you like this woman more than a friend, including both a love interest of hers, and a love interest of yours. That sort of situation will go to an "Either it's me or your 'friend.' Make up your mind and if it's your friend, I'm walking."

And one last thing. People who truly care and want you in their life, whether it be in friendship or a love relationship, will communicate to make things right with you if they have an issue. When they don't care, they simply bail.

Sometimes, for certain situations when something bad happens, you don't always realize it was for the best at the time. But in hindsight, you will see that when one door closes, another opens. I think that will definitely be the case for you. Take care.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Matello77 said:

Thank you. You know, I hadn't though of it as disrespect but it is.

I have a tendency to blame myself 100% for anything that goes wrong and believe that I must be defective. I'm wracking my brains trying to think of what it is when she could simply tell me. Unless she's embarrassed to tell me but I don't see why. It's why I posted on here asking for female advice. To see if anyone would know why she wouldn't say. It just seems so cruel to me to do this.

Thank you.  Yes, it is disrespect.  Any time a person doesn't treat you the way you treat them which is with consideration and kindness,  it's disrespect.

Don't blame yourself.  It is indeed a cruel world we live in.  Never accept any type of behavior which lacks empathy.  Move on to protect yourself from further hurts and this is how you survive.  Never subject yourself to rude behaviors.  Never.

[Matello77]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I would presume she's not interested in spending time together anymore.  

Yes, that's correct. The linking arms comment wasn't forceful however on reflection it wasn't a question which in hindsight was wrong and not meant to be a command.

[Matello77]

6 hours ago, Andrina said:

Male/female friendships with this dynamic usually always have an expiration date. This is a watershed moment you should allow to happen.

This long friendship crush is preventing you from bonding with a love interest who would want to date you. Many people are intuitive and would sense you like this woman more than a friend, including both a love interest of hers, and a love interest of yours. That sort of situation will go to an "Either it's me or your 'friend.' Make up your mind and if it's your friend, I'm walking."

And one last thing. People who truly care and want you in their life, whether it be in friendship or a love relationship, will communicate to make things right with you if they have an issue. When they don't care, they simply bail.

Sometimes, for certain situations when something bad happens, you don't always realize it was for the best at the time. But in hindsight, you will see that when one door closes, another opens. I think that will definitely be the case for you. Take care.

Unfortunately I think that sums it up in a nutshell. She doesn't care and has bailed out with no explanation. 🙁

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Matello77 said:

Why would she say it isn't incident if it is?

Perhaps she's pulling away in general in order not to lead you on. 

It doesn't seem like that one incident alone was the problem.

Yes all you can do is give her space. 

[MissCanuck]

I think she realizes you like her as more than a friend and is intentionally putting space there so you don't get the wrong idea. 

I'm sorry you're hurt. It sounds like it will be best for you to take space from her too, since your interest is more than platonic and you would eventually get hurt when she starts dating someone. 

[Matello77]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like that one incident alone was the problem.

Yes all you can do is give her space. 

I've mulled over your comments and on reflection I think it might be. This might be why she can't find the words to tell me as it's likely a few micro-events.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Matello77 said:

I've mulled over your comments and on reflection I think it might be. This might be why she can't find the words to tell me as it's likely a few micro-events.

 

I think it's much more basic/common sense.  She either wants to keep it to herself if she on reflection felt uncomfortable linking arms with you on that occasion and/or it reminded her that you are into her and she is not into you so she chose to distance herself so you would not be led on.  You can speculate all day and use fancy terms like micro-event or speculate that she "can't" find the words -there may be no words, she may choose not to share with you any words.  The result is the same -you two want different things.  Walk away and accept that there's not going to be an explanation for her behavior.

[Jenbeee]

Honestly, as a woman...I would just say it straight out if it was something that made me uncomfortable.
I mean...why give you the runaround if I wanted to make sure you knew all I wanted was to be good friends. Linking arms to me is part of the lost act of chivalry. Same as walking someone to their door, etc.

Would you be brave enough to write her a letter just summing your feelings? 
Or perhaps just let it be for a bit and if she’s disconnected from the friendship you have with her, tell her. What ever it is. 
 

Hope all the best for you,

Jen

[Matello77]

4 hours ago, Jenbeee said:

Honestly, as a woman...I would just say it straight out if it was something that made me uncomfortable.
I mean...why give you the runaround if I wanted to make sure you knew all I wanted was to be good friends. Linking arms to me is part of the lost act of chivalry. Same as walking someone to their door, etc.

Would you be brave enough to write her a letter just summing your feelings? 
Or perhaps just let it be for a bit and if she’s disconnected from the friendship you have with her, tell her. What ever it is. 
 

Hope all the best for you,

Jen

Hi Jen,

To be honest, I would just rather let it be now because I've asked her twice and it's just made her angry. She isn't going to tell me if I push more. She may eventually tell me but I doubt it and I'm not expecting her to.

I do agree with your linking arms comment, it was dark and we were walking through town. I thought it was a nice thnig to do. She said it wasn't that and now I'm leaning towards believing her. I think Wiseman2 probably got it right in that it wasn't a single incident.

[Jenbeee]

1 hour ago, Matello77 said:

Hi Jen,

To be honest, I would just rather let it be now because I've asked her twice and it's just made her angry. She isn't going to tell me if I push more. She may eventually tell me but I doubt it and I'm not expecting her to.

I do agree with your linking arms comment, it was dark and we were walking through town. I thought it was a nice thnig to do. She said it wasn't that and now I'm leaning towards believing her. I think Wiseman2 probably got it right in that it wasn't a single incident.

I do agree. I wrote this not knowing about your last post. Good to know you’re alright with the situation.

🙂

[Matello77]

12 hours ago, Jenbeee said:

I do agree. I wrote this not knowing about your last post. Good to know you’re alright with the situation.

🙂

I'm alright as I can be. Still shell shocked to be honest and it's triggered my CPTSD which exacerbates my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Matello77 said:

I'm alright as I can be. Still shell shocked to be honest and it's triggered my CPTSD which exacerbates my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

Then take care of you and avoid making a move like that before clarifying intentions.  Totally fine to link or offer an arm if you see someone slipping.  I'm sorry you're feeling this way.