I'm a widow. First relationship since and need advice, please.

[kindheart25]

Hi. 

I have been a widow for a year. I met someone at a dating app in December. We have been seeing each other regularly since. Texting several times a day for weeks. My friend works third shift and overtime most weeks so his schedule makes it difficult to see each other often. He works  overtime on Friday night until 4:00am Saturday morning. Iam currently not working so I have met him quite early at his place. I didn't see it as him controlling me. There have been a couple weekends where he had family gatherings a couple hours away and we didn't spend time together those weekends. We've gotten fairly close. We have much in common and make each other laugh. We have not slept together,  but have slept in the same  bed 4 or 5 times now. Lots of kissing, cuddling and hand-holding, but no sex. I asked him about it. He said he was in no rush, he liked to get to know someone well and feel very comfortable with them before intimacy. This actually was rather refreshing to hear.  Last week I noticed that he wasn't Texting as much as we normally do. We both also have our dating profiles still online. I looked at his and I got hurt and upset that he'd changed his profile and had been active that very day There. I shot off some angry messages. I brought up the subject of exclusivity and other things that were on my mind. He texted back and asked if I felt purged. He said he didn't mean to and didn't realize how upset he had made me. I accused him of probably being a player and not being honest with me. He said he is not a player except for pool, darts and golf. He told me he thought I was very beautiful and sweet and i have no reason to feel inferior, babe. We texted a little this morning. He seemed much like his normal self. I asked him if we could get together this weekend to talk over dinner.  He said he was going to his Dad's, but what about the following weekend? Now I'm not sure that I don't believe he is going to his Dad's, but I'm going to be so crushed if he becomes unavailable the weekend after this. I told him I was sorry for being jealous and making assumptions. It's a difficult time for me right now because it's my husband's death anniversary on the 25th. I sure could have used his company and support this coming weekend. But perhaps it's best I just do some things to honor my late husband and feel my emotions. 

I'm not young and neither is my friend. I hope he wouldn't deliberately hurt me. I think he does fit into a few narcissistic traits. I have to adjust to his schedule because he works nights. I don't mind because I'm not working at the moment, so I really don't  see it as a control thing. I will try to keep my cool and not overthink as we really havent been together that long. I have no proof that he's seeing other women. I just don't want to be seen as a sucker. I hate this dating stuff at my age, but I also don't want to always be alone. Thanks for reading my novel. All the best to everyone. 

 

[waffle]

25 minutes ago, kindheart25 said:

 . . . have slept in the same  bed 4 or 5 times now. Lots of kissing, cuddling and hand-holding . . . 

 

Why are you participating in this?

[SooSad33]

25 minutes ago, kindheart25 said:

It's a difficult time for me right now because it's my husband's death anniversary on the 25th. I sure could have used his company and support this coming weekend. But perhaps it's best I just do some things to honor my late husband and feel my emotions. 

Yes, I suggest you do this on your own. Don't expect anything from him on this...

You've been a widow for a year.  Are you sure you're truly okay to begin dating again?

As for his work schedule, yes, that is hard on someone to have to work those kinds of hours 😕 .  Your mind is best when it's actually going with day/night type thing ( I have an ex who'd work shifts.  My son worked nights and it wreaked havoc on his marriage .. He has since been able to change to days.

Him being on the dating site still does not necessarily mean he's a player.  Many do this.  They remain on for a good while - I see it as 'touring'.  I know a few I've dated in the past & they'd still hang out there, as did I on occasion 😉 , but I wasn't a cheater.

As you admitted, you're new to all of this.  So, if you choose to continue this with him, give him time.  Time to work on 'feeling okay & comfortable with you'.

As I mentioned, you being a widow only a year.  Were you involved a long time - married?  Do you feel you need some therapy at all, or grief counselling?  How do you feel nowadays?  Just wondering, because as you admitted, you don't want to 'be alone'?  I don't see this as a reason to be out in the dating world.. but we sometimes need to learn how to be okay with being alone.  And only date when we truly feel okay again.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, kindheart25 said:

 have slept in the same  bed 4 or 5 times now. Lots of kissing, cuddling and hand-holding, but no sex. We both also have our dating profiles still online.  he'd changed his profile and had been active that very day 

Sorry this happened. It's your first foray out back in the dating world and sometimes that's not easy.

In this case reserve any form of intimacy until you've had the exclusive discussion. 

[Cherylyn]

His work hours limit your time with him.  Is he local?  If both of you live far apart, an inconvenient relationship tends not to endure. 

His narcissistic traits are alarming so beware. 

My condolences.  After a year of widowhood, it may be too soon to plunge into the dating scene.  Give yourself time and space. 

This guy you're seeing has red flags.  Use your gut because your intuition is always right on the mark.

[Coily]

I know when I've had a subscription based OLD, and it wasn't a month to month (because I never expected to find someone); I used the apps to find humorous profiles. Like SooSad mentioned, it wasn't with an eye to anything else.

It sounds like you both have lots of moving parts to your relationship, it's rough going; but until they are displaying red flags everything can make you wary. Especially with being a widow, there are a lot of things that have changed in dating in that time.

I think it's time to let this play out and enforce your boundaries and expectations. best of luck!

[kindheart25]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Why are you participating in this?

I wasn't sure I was ready for intimacy right off the mark,  either. I actually thought that being held and cuddled was so soothing. We have discussed sex and I think we both want that at some point. I was okay with waiting too. He knows I miss physical intimacy.  He told me he hasn't slept with a woman in three years so perhaps he's nervous, too?

[smackie9]

None of what you are doing is right, nor are your expectations. I don't think you are seeing the big picture here....this is not how adults date to find a committed partner. I know you are thirsty for affection and attention but sleepovers is for kids. I am so sorry for your loss, and I can see how things feel weird without your partner no longer there. It's all that filling in the void right? It's gets over whelming, especially those nights alone, and the sadness that hits. It can make you not see things. Your gut instinct is screaming and that's why you are here. You need to step back, and see that this guy doesn't really behave like a gentleman interested in a serious relationship. Not a man that wines and dines you, or buys you flowers, romantic walks, simple hand holding, etc. I agree you need to follow and expect your own expectations, instead of some breadcrumbs with bits of night cuddles. You need something that's more substantial, solid, has real direction. This guy is only for right now, but a future just may not be there if this as far it's gotten you. 

[reinventmyself]

You didn't mention how long you were married.  My condolences on the loss of your husband.

Learning to date again after marriage can be a process.  Especially when you are dating someone you met online.

You learn quickly that dates are just that.  Just a date.  Not a guarantee and not a marriage proposal.  You do not owe each other anything other than politeness and respect.

Years ago, going on more than a couple dates would suggest there was an intention of sorts to progress the relationship.  But today it's just not so.  Especially seeing you both have active profiles and there wasn't any discussion of intentions on either side.

That coupled with his inconsistency and unavailability I personally would not have invested in this, let alone go off on him and challenge his character.  I am not sure if you can recover from that.

If you get this back on track, I would be clear about your own personal values and what you are ultimately looking for.  

He didn't take advantage of you and it doesn't make him narcissistic.  You need to manage your expectations some.  It's not easy. I fumbled quite a bit when I was first divorced and rather rusty having not dated.  You aren't a sucker and the most valuable lessons are often learned the hard way.

[Andrina]

Here's my advice:

Don't argue over text. Important discussions should be saved for in person.

Don't call someone out when they've done nothing wrong. He's free to update his profile, be messaging other women, and even going on dates with them--all ethical because you two are not exclusive. Basically, until that happens, the best way to go about it is a Don't ask, Don't tell policy, and no checking on his profile. Because it's not fun to think about him doing this, but it's realistic when you're not exclusive. 

My style of dating was to only multi-date as far as going on a few dates with particular men. Because if were to get to the part where I'd known a man long enough to want to of make out with him, I no longer wished to multi-date. At that point, I'd question the guy to ask what his dating style was. My style was to concentrate on one man at a time, without outside interference. That meant temporarily getting off OLD and only date him. It didn't mean we were in any major commitment. We might stopping dating after the 5th date--who knew? It just meant I wasn't comfortable making out with a guy, and then him going off to make out with another woman.

If when I questioned him, he had a different style of dating than mine, I told him we weren't a good match.

Your mistake was to make assumptions and then you lashed out, because of your hurt. You're going to have to behave differently in the future, for your own good. Have that talk early on, as I've suggested.

As for this guy, I don't even think it's a good idea to tie yourself to someone whose behavior is suspect as far as numerous weekends away, and another coming up, in such a short period of time that you've known him. Sounds like your relationship is regressing versus progressing. Not a good sign.

Being so thirsty because of loneliness will only have you settling and attracting the wrong type of man.

I'm very sorry for your loss, but it's not right to expect a love interest to mourn with you on a deceased husband's death anniversary. That's time you need to honor your husband in your own way. Be your own support. Have faith you can handle certain things on your own.

It takes digging through a lot sand to find the treasure. I feel you need to keep on digging. I know I had to do years of it after my first marriage ended, and I finally was successful after many upsets. Take care. 

[Lambert]

I am so sorry for your loss.  ❤️

I think @smackie9 hit it spot on.  This a very complicated situation and not healthy on both sides.  I think the best thing to do is to end it.  The lines are super blurry, and you are understandably vulnerable.  I don't think this is good for your mental health.  

Do you have a supportive group of friends and family?  Have you considered talking to a member of the clergy or a therapist?