Obsessive thoughts about Valentine’s Day gifts

[Ccchelp123]

I bought my boyfriend a small Valentine’s Day gift last week and then started to worry that he was not going to get me anything. Valentine’s Day is not that important to me, but I do love an excuse to celebrate and gifts are not that important to me either, but I think that the gesture is really nice. Even though it wasn’t too big a deal, I knew that a part of me would be upset on Valentine’s Day if he had nothing for me. I wanted to be upfront without straight up asking him for a gift, so I made a comment about looking at gifts for him for Valentine’s Day so that he knew that I was planning on giving him something. 
 

He replied to this explaining that we don’t need more stuff, it’s a hallmark Holliday, and he wouldn’t have a chance to get anything because he never goes out without me and we are always together. 
 

The thing is, we work from home at different times and both have very flexible schedules, so i know that he had ample opportunity to go to the store. He said this four days before Valentine’s Day when I was planning to be out of the house and out of town for at least the following morning. But I didn’t necessarily want him to go out and buy me something anyway. A hand written note or something like that would have been really nice and thoughtful. It really isn’t about the gift at all, but the way he said this made me feel like he just couldn’t be bothered.
 

I got the feeling that he was feeling overwhelmed and just didn’t want to think about it, so he was coming up with excuses for why he couldn’t get me anything so that he wouldn’t have to make time to get out and buy somethIng, or write something, or set up a delivery. Or that he didn’t think it was worth the money or a trip to the store just to get me something because he doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day.
 

Most of the time he is very loving and thoughtful. Sometimes he gets overwhelmed and preoccupied with work, family, etc. and will do something kind of thoughtless, like forgetting our plans, not listening to me, and other small things that sting a bit, and add up over time. We have talked about it a few times in the past. He even told me that if he is overwhelmed, my interests are the first thing he will let slip because I am the least likely to get mad at him. I felt like this was another example of that same issue, which is probably why I am so upset about such a petty seeming thing. It makes me feel like I am his last priority and It is a really ***ty feeling. I know that there were similar issues in his past relationships, so I know that this is not just in my head. This has become a soft spot for me and I tend to get pretty emotional when he does something that I feel is thoughtless.
 

I tried to just accept it, but the next morning I still felt really upset. I didn’t want to get upset or pressure him over a gift because I felt like it would be petty or ungrateful. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from getting emotional, so I got out of the house for a while to run some errands, but I was still just ruminating and feeling really badly about it. 
 

When I got home, I was just feeling worse and I couldn’t keep it in, I ended up crying in front of him. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was upset about him not getting me anything for Valentine’s Day, and that I felt really pathetic having to ask for a gift. He told me that he had been planning to get me something on Amazon but it wasn’t going to come in on time and he didn’t know if he could make it to the store. He apologized, but I felt like he wasn’t really taking it seriously, and he said, half jokingly, that I was being silly. I ended up feeling like it wasn’t resolved, especially because he was still saying that he couldn’t get a chance to go out because we were together all the time, when I was just returning from being out of the house for hours and he had just been hanging out when I got home. I didn’t get out everything that I wanted to say because I didn’t want to make accusations or say something hurtful, and I felt like he was doubling down on his excuses even after knowing that I was planning to give him something.  I wanted to be done with it, so I kept that to myself. But I just ended up ruminating more and becoming more upset.

 

I woke up the next morning and was immediately hit with emotions and started to cry again. I went more in depth about why this upset me- I told him that I thought he was being preoccupied again and that it wasn’t about getting a gift, but that what he said had made me feel like I wasn’t worth thinking about to him. He was really frustrated and told me that I’ve changed since we met because I have been so sensitive recently. I told him that he has changed too because he has been so preoccupied, and that when he couldn’t get anything for my birthday, he had written a poem for me, and that I had loved that and thought it was really thoughtful. He told me that he hates how he has to pry everything out of me when I’m upset and asked if I didn’t see all of the things that he does for me on a regular basis. He said that he is doing his best. I was torn between feeling ungrateful for getting so upset about a stupid gift, and feeling like he was just flipping the blame onto me. I ended up apologizing to him. He does do a lot for me, I do a lot for him too, and I feel like that is beside the point. He told me that he wasn’t going to just get me nothing, but that seemed like exactly what he had been saying. 
 

Anyway, we both calmed down and decided to order pizza later that day. When we were going to pick it up, we had extra time and ended up going to the grocery store. While we were there, he picked a chocolate bar and bought it. Then he said “I got you something, you probably saw it.” I usually wouldn’t have been bothered by this, but emotions were already high. As much as I hate to say this, I had hoped that after all of this he would have wanted to make a point of going to the store on his own to get something. 
 

Now I just keep ruminating more. I don’t want to bring this up again and this is absolutely not the hill I want to die on. I just want to drop it and have a good Valentine’s Day regardless of all of this, but I feel like I can barely keep it together. I just keep having obsessive thoughts about this and I am having such a hard time stopping them. I don’t want to be ungrateful about his gift but I feel so emotionally charged over this that I could see myself losing control over my emotions and crying when he gives me the chocolate bar. I really really don’t want to do that. This all feels so stupid and I can’t believe I am so worked up over a valentines gift. I’m sorry this is so long, but it feels kind of therapeutic just to get it out. If anyone reads all this and has any tips for letting go of unresolved relationship issues or controlling obsessive thoughts, it would be really helpful.

[Coily]

Your BF is right Valentines is a hallmark holiday. Celebrating a decapitation is kind of weird.

22 minutes ago, Ccchelp123 said:

Most of the time he is very loving and thoughtful.

That right there is the most important thing. There shouldn't ever be a date set by others to express love and romance. These acts should be random and from the heart, otherwise it's going through a ritual without meaning. As long as your BF does romantic gestures when they matter, like date nights, anniversaries, things that really matter to the two of you; it's best to let go the tacky forced love holiday.

You need to look long and hard at these obsessive thoughts about a day that pothers are forcing upon you, that have no practical impact on your loving relationship.

[Cherylyn]

You can't force nor expect him to be what he is not.  He's not the type to write you a gushy VD note, buy a floral bouquet, other gift or a heart shaped box of chocolates.  He gave you a chocolate bar but I understand, I wouldn't have appreciated it either because it was an afterthought and not as if he went out of his way to give you anything special.  I would've preferred no chocolate bar truth be told. 

The poem he wrote for your birthday was nice.  Perhaps you can tell him that a poem for VD would've sufficed.  Then again, he's right.  He doesn't want to do anything if it's an expectation because to him, it feels unnatural because it's not his personality.  He's not the sentimental romantic type. 

My husband and I don't give each other anything for VD.  I don't like flowers because flowers die.  I don't eat chocolate.  Instead of frou frou gifts, I prefer what he does everyday.  He always picks up the slack.  He helped take care of our baby sons ever since they were born,  helped tend to the children always, constantly helps with the housecleaning, cooking, post dinner cleanup, laundry, repairs / maintains our cars, repairs / maintains our house (all electrical, plumbing, construction, etc), he's very handy, helps with errands (grocery shopping, other local errands), etc.  He cooperates with sustaining the household and it's easy being married to him because I don't have to run myself haggard doing everything or mostly everything.  He's extremely devoted to me just like his late father who treated his wife like a queen and in many other instances, deferred to her as my husband defers to me as well.  To me, every day is VD; not just once a year. 

I already have accumulated clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc so I don't want nor need more. 

Also, it doesn't have to be VD for us to do anything.  Once in a while, I'll come home from a long day's work to find a gift bag on my chair.  In the gift bag is a colorful tissue wrapped gorgeous handbag which I've had my eye on for a while.  He knows me.  Other times, we'll have a picnic at the lake weather permitting. 

If I were you, I'd be grateful for any positive qualities your boyfriend gives to your relationship and instead of focusing on VD, do enjoyable activities together during random days of the year.  Make anytime special instead of just one holiday per year. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Ccchelp123 said:

, like forgetting our plans, not listening to me, and other small things that sting a bit, and add up over time. We have talked about it a few times in the past. He even told me that if he is overwhelmed, my interests are the first thing he will let slip because I am the least likely to get mad at him 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? 

Unfortunately it seems he's coasting along and not as invested in the relationship as you are.

The dismissive attitude about Valentine's day and your birthday are symptoms of that. 

Unfortunately you've already spoken to him about his taking you for granted and his attitude is, he can get away with dismissing your feelings because you allow it.

The "valentine is just a commercial holiday" is a cop out and handing you a candy bar at the supermarket was adding insult to injury as far as his disrespect for you and your feelings.

Step back and reflect if you're overinvested in someone who keeps you on the back burner and dismisses you on a regular basis.

[MissCanuck]

This isn't really about a Valentine's Day gift. 

You are feeling neglected in the relationship, if I understand correctly.  This is apparently an accumulation of events over time, and this latest Valentine's episode re-inforced (in your mind) that he doesn't care the way you do. 

Strip back the expectations about Valentine's Day and ask yourself if you're really happy with him anymore. 

[Kwothe28]

Is him not giving you gifts a "deal breaker" to you?

That kind of stuff is considered sort of the "preference". You prefer that your boyfriend be somebody who would gift you something for Valentine. But some people are just not good with gifts. Or dont think certain holidays like Valentines are so important. There are couples who dont even celebrate their anniversaries. As they dont consider it that big of a deal. But you, on the other hand, do consider it that big of a deal. So that is why I am asking is your boyfriend, somebody who you even live together(from what Ive gathered), not giving you gifts at every opportunity a "deal breaker"? Or would you absolutely need somebody who would do that?

Because if its the second maybe its better to find somebody more inclined to give gifts.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This isn't really about a Valentine's Day gift. 

You are feeling neglected in the relationship, if I understand correctly.  This is apparently an accumulation of events over time, and this latest Valentine's episode re-inforced (in your mind) that he doesn't care the way you do. 

Strip back the expectations about Valentine's Day and ask yourself if you're really happy with him anymore. 

This is exactly what I thought. My husband has always had ambivalence about V-day because he sees it as a pressured Hallmark holiday AND he also has over the years planned lovely evenings -  But I actually relate to his ambivalence, and this is because overall I do feel loved and cared for and he is a romantic guy in his quieter way.  He will do things like text me a photo he found of us in his parents' rose garden from the 90s looking adoringly at each other.  Or put on this drama queen jokey thing when I say I'm going to bed early, pleading with me in front of our son "please, please stay up -can I convince you to watch___ with us? Please???? Okkkkkk if you say so.....".   

I actually told my husband Sunday - I decided not to get him a $5 plus hallmark card -it just doesn't seem worth it -and I got regular cupcakes for today instead of the overly frosted "red" cupcakes.  I like to celebrate with our son who loves cake for any holiday lol. I don't know what he's getting me/if -these past years it's typically chocolate and a card because we're busy working parents and it's cool with both of us.

But yesterday while he was picking up our son after school - I quickly made him a card - had around 15 minutes.  I used two colors of construction paper I found in a drawer -pink and red -cut out a heart and taped it on and wrote a note including "I love you every day not just today".  It's hidden in my nightstand drawer.

It's extremely home made.  I am not crafty at all.  But I know he'll get a laugh out of it as will my son and my words are genuine.  Honestly -if he would turn his nose up at it he wouldn't be my person.  But that's because we trust in each other as far as our love and commitment.  You don't - this is deeper and you're choosing this holiday to have the freak out over.  Consider all of this ok? I'm sorry you're so upset.  

[Cherylyn]

Coincidentally, it's VD today and I bought myself a pricey Italian handbag for myself to add to my collection.  I also bought shoes and clothes online this week.  I don't have to wait for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas or VD.  If I want it, I go ahead and purchase it.  My husband surprised me with a pretty wallet recently and there was no occasion.  If we want to go anywhere, it's spontaneous. 

I already have jewelry and don't want nor need anymore. 

As for flowers,  I prefer natural in-ground roses in my front and back yards.  🌹

My husband helps with anything so being married to him is easy.  Everyday is VD for me.  I don't have to wait for one day out of 365 days because everyday is very special in its own way. 

@Ccchelp123Appreciate whatever your boyfriend has to offer such as his integrity which is priceless.  There are some men who give cards, flowers and candy but there are other facets to their personality and character which is disdainful.  Example, my BIL (brothers-in-law).  They give gifts and flowers to their wives but there's a disgusting side to their characters which is ugly.  If I had my druthers, I prefer to forgo the Hallmark holiday and concentrate on daily greatness in a man instead. 

[Tinydance]

I think maybe what the struggle here is different love languages and just preferences. I actually can relate to you in the sense that I really love celebrating special occasions. I'm a big romantic at heart and I also love shopping and buying people presents. It's even to the point I send my parents a gift for Valentine's Day lol  For example this year I sent them a food and wine hamper. I also bought all my close friends a small Valentine's present and baked Valentine's Day cupcakes. I do realise I go over the top but I always do this. Last year I went even more over the top and I even gave my friends heart shaped balloons with heart confetti in them lol 

Having said that, I also realise that a lot of people are not like this. I also know people who aren't good at even buying presents or knowing what to give. So everyone is different and some people don't value presents because they think it's just objects and material possessions.

Although I think where the trouble can come in is when people don't understand their partner's love languages and that they need to speak THEIR love languages. So for example when you told your boyfriend you're getting him a gift and made it sound important, I think he should have got you something. I always find it so awkward when someone gets me a gift and I get them nothing. Especially if it was my partner. I think your partner obviously doesn't value gifts or cares about Valentine's Day but YOU do. So if you're special to him I think he should have done something for you because it really means something to you.

[Jibralta]

On 2/13/2023 at 8:01 PM, Ccchelp123 said:

I just keep having obsessive thoughts about this and I am having such a hard time stopping them.

On 2/13/2023 at 8:01 PM, Ccchelp123 said:

This all feels so stupid and I can’t believe I am so worked up over a valentines gift.

I think that's because there's a much bigger issue at hand here.

None of this is about a Valentine's Day gift. It's about you minimizing and misdirecting the fact that your boyfriend, and your relationship with him, doesn't meet your needs.

Your level of preoccupation tells me this issue is much bigger than you let on.

I think you will continue to have acute anxiety over seemingly miscellaneous/random reasons until you address the actual problems. 

[JTCW]

On 2/14/2023 at 1:01 AM, Ccchelp123 said:

gifts are not that important to me either

 

On 2/14/2023 at 1:01 AM, Ccchelp123 said:

it wasn’t too big a deal

Huuuuge understatements. It clearly is important you because you got into a massive emotional mess over it. Valentines day is not for everyone and you just need to accept that is how he feels about it too. If you want all those hearts and flowers for valentines then he is not the man for you.

 

[Andrina]

On 2/13/2023 at 8:01 PM, Ccchelp123 said:

Sometimes he gets overwhelmed and preoccupied with work, family, etc. and will do something kind of thoughtless, like forgetting our plans, not listening to me, and other small things that sting a bit, and add up over time. We have talked about it a few times in the past. He even told me that if he is overwhelmed, my interests are the first thing he will let slip because I am the least likely to get mad at him.

This is the most concerning thing that pops out to me. The Valentine's thing is likely just the straw that has broken the camel' back.

What is this about? Does he have a particularly demanding family? What is it that he's doing for them that is stressful? Is his job more demanding than most? If you're always together, does that mean you don't spend time separately with friends and hobbies?

When he speaks of you not getting mad, is it because you're acting like a doormat and normally stuff your feelings?

What are examples of the loving things he does and how often does it happen?

I'm trying to see the bigger picture, to be able to give better advice.