I'm not sure where I stand with her

[thepercolator]

Hi

I'm in a bit of a pickle with my current situation and it's eating away at me after leaving it for a while.

Recently dated a girl through a dating app. I'm early 30s, she's 6 years older. We didn't talk every day as she works in a very stressful position so is very busy but I've got my own stuff going on too. We talked and got on and she invited me on a date. We got on well and she immediately wanted another date so we met a few days later. Things were going well and we just clicked with each other. We both shared the same interests, same morals, same values, same sense of humour...I thought "this could be it". We never talked about the actual relationship side of things i.e what WE could be. We had a date that ended up in us moving things to 2nd base and neither of us were weird about it after. I think our body chemistry is really good and we both feel comfortable with it (she initiated much of it). We then had another date that went well. This happened over a few weeks so we were seeing each other about once a week. After that date, we talked and did the next day too - we talked about once every 3 or 4 days at that point, just through both being busy I guess.

She then dropped the following on me the day after the date:

 

her: i really enjoyed yesterday and really fancy you. but i need a bit of time to think things through about us

me: okay, no problems

her: it's just that the next person i date could be my husband. so i've gotta follow my gut to see if it's right and i have to be sure

me: i'm in the same place; i'm not dating meaninglessly, i know what i want but don't want to rush anything. i understand and will give you the time you need

her: thanks for understanding

me: that's fine, i know it's a big thing

 

It threw me a bit and not gonna lie, I rolled my eyes upon hearing the dreaded "I need time". But on reflection, she is older than me so as crass as it sounds, can't afford to waste time messing about if she wants marriage. But I'm of that age where I'm looking for that too. So I've largely just put it in the back of my mind but I'm not into the whole thing of having options etc...so have stopped dating other than her (not that she knows that).

It's now been 3 weeks since we last spoke and I don't really want to open conversation as she was the one that said she needed time. But just interested to hear your thoughts, I'm considering the following:

1) She does genuinely need time; she is usually very busy so she's just figuring out if I fit in and where - with her being older she's not looking to mess about

2) She's gone off of me and isn't interested. I've no signs to demonstrate this as we still kissed at the end of last date and didn't have any disagreements. But 3 weeks and no word (even after being given time) is a bit of a concern...

3) There's another option and her really fancying me has brought her to having to make a choice between me and them. Also, the comment about "the next person I date" - we were dating and been on over 5+ dates so idk what we are/were by her saying that. I don't think she's like this as she seems a genuinely good person...but I know what dating looks like in 2023, I'm not naive

Thanks in advance!

[smackie9]

If she was very serious about you, she wouldn't be having this kind of conversation with you. She lacks confidence in this relationship and that's on her. If I were you I would just leave it and call it off when you are ready to. 

[bluecastle]

Sadly, if I were betting I'd say that option 2 is the likeliest explanation. Yes, people are busy. Yes, people have baggage, triggers, personal master plans, all that. But when someone is keen on seeing and continuing to get to another person—well, all that loses its traction. Which is to say I think her phrasing of things ("need time" etc.) was a more delicate of way of saying she's not quite feeling the juju she wants to be feeling.

In your shoes? I'd probably call it a day on this. She asked for a minute, you have it, and now it's been three weeks. Guess you could toss a delicately worded Hail Mary into the text-o-sphere ("Hope you're well—would love to see you again") but given that she's gone dead quiet I wouldn't put much hope in the gesture. 

Sucks when this happens, no doubt. But we really never know what's going on with another person we've only met a few times, no matter how sparkly the exchange.

 

[thepercolator]

24 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If she was very serious about you, she wouldn't be having this kind of conversation with you. She lacks confidence in this relationship and that's on her. If I were you I would just leave it and call it off when you are ready to. 

That's sort of what I've been telling myself.

That if she was serious, she'd be sure, her feelings for me would suppress the doubts and I deserve better than doubts. But then doubts are natural, I suppose. 

Is there anything in there particularly that makes you come to the conclusion of her lacking confidence? Just intrigued

Yeah I'm gonna stick with no contact I think, I don't double message and it was her that wanted time so the ball is in her court. 

[JoyfulCompany]

I think it's safe to assume it's option 2).
If she was into you, she would've continued seeing you in order to determine if you could work long term. But "her gut" told her otherwise. 3 weeks of silence is too much at this point. If she wanted to see you again, she would've at least stayed in touch, even if THAT busy (she was perfectly able to make time for the first few dates!).

Move on. Continue dating and good luck.

[thepercolator]

4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sadly, if I were betting I'd say that option 2 is the likeliest explanation. Yes, people are busy. Yes, people have baggage, triggers, personal master plans, all that. But when someone is keen on seeing and continuing to get to another person—well, all that loses its traction. Which is to say I think her phrasing of things ("need time" etc.) was a more delicate of way of saying she's not quite feeling the juju she wants to be feeling.

In your shoes? I'd probably call it a day on this. She asked for a minute, you have it, and now it's been three weeks. Guess you could toss a delicately worded Hail Mary into the text-o-sphere ("Hope you're well—would love to see you again") but given that she's gone dead quiet I wouldn't put much hope in the gesture. 

Sucks when this happens, no doubt. But we really never know what's going on with another person we've only met a few times, no matter how sparkly the exchange.

 

 

Thanks for the reply.

Yeah the busy thing is something I'm 50-50 about. She is studying and before we met, she had a few weeks away from talking as she was studying for an exam (I'm inclined to believe her here with her job). From then, we met pretty much every week but as I say, only spoke every few days.

Cheers - that might be an idea! Really don't want to contact her myself as, ultimately, she chose to have time to herself but I'd rather have the clarity. I'm not short of offers or anything and have plenty going for me but as you say, sucks when you've built up a rapport and everything has gone well etc.

[bluecastle]

23 minutes ago, thepercolator said:

I'd rather have the clarity.

Well, look at it this way: 

If what you want, big picture, is to meet someone who is stoked to keep getting to know you—well, you have your clarity right now. It's got a sour taste, but it's also pretty clear. 

Just for reference: When I met my gf we lived on opposite sides of massive city, she had a kid and a full time job, we'd both been around enough blocks to have sustained some bruises, though it never really felt like work to make it work. I don't think that's a particularly rare story in the annals of people who go from a few dates to being in something committed, you know? 

Odds are you've probably said something to someone that has a similar cadence to her "need time" stuff with you. Think about what you meant by that, and then imagine it's probably similar for her. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, thepercolator said:

her: it's just that the next person i date could be my husband. so i've gotta follow my gut to see if it's right and i have to be sure

 

Translation: You are not the husband material for me and Ive met somebody else.

Sorry bro. Not surprised since its dating app but still, it always surprises me how much people on dating apps(predominantly women) go for a "candy shop" mentality. Things going generally OK but still thinking next best thing around corner is better. 

Its OK, dont sweat about it. In most of those cases Ive discovered, no matter how much you hold them in high regards, its better that it didnt worked out. Think of it in somewhat positive way. She is out of your life so you would meet somebody where you would be a husband material. As for her, just wish her good luck and outright block her. When somebody else who she thinks is husband material dumps her, she would maybe want back. And trust me, no matter how much you think its a good thing, you dont want that.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, thepercolator said:

: it's just that the next person i date could be my husband. so i've gotta follow my gut to see if it's right and i have to be sure

me: that's fine, i know it's a big thing

You handled it well. Unfortunately she seems to be husband shopping. Since this is new, you're both still talking to and meeting others. Yes give her space, the ball is in her court. In the meantime keep dating other women. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Translation: You are not the husband material for me and Ive met somebody else.

Sorry bro. Not surprised since its dating app but still, it always surprises me how much people (predominantly women) go for a "candy shop" mentality. Things going generally OK but still thinking next best thing around corner is better. 

Its OK, dont sweat about it. In most of those cases Ive discovered, no matter how much you hold them in high regards, its better that it didnt worked out. Think of it in somewhat positive way. She is out of your life so you would meet somebody where you would be a husband material. As for her, just wish her good luck and outright block her. When somebody else who she thinks is husband material dums her, she would maybe want back. And trust me, no matter how much you think its a good thing, you dont want that.

Yes this.  I started dating my future husband when I was 39 and he was almost 39.  We were both so busy it would make your head spin plus we knew we'd soon be long distance.  But my head didn't spin about him -no matter how busy I was I made time for him because we clicked, for the right reasons (we'd been serious years earlier -this wasn't infatuation ,etc) - we both wanted the same things and we wanted those things with each other.  

By contrast when I had doubts about someone that went to the core -meaning not fleeting doubts or  fleeting jitters fleeting insecurities -or, like based on an argument that made me wonder about things -until we resolved the issue - then it wasn't about "busy" especially in my 30s -it was about not being ready to commit to that person or see potential for doing so in the future -at least not badly enough.  

I'm really sorry -I know you must be disappointed!

[Cherylyn]

1)  She doesn't need time.  It was her way of telling you that she is rejecting you.  I'm sorry.  She's telling you that you're not the one. 

2)  I agree with you.  She isn't interested.  3 weeks is a long time of no word.  She is moving on as should you.

3) Don't read into the past regarding 5+ dates.  What matters is her current non-action regarding anything to do with you.  You say she is a good person and while that's all well and good, she's still not interested in having a relationship with you.  Don't torment yourself.  Cut your losses and keep moving forward. 

[Andrina]

You might have perceived her as a good person, but if she was, she wouldn't leave you dangling like this. She was more about saving herself from a moment of awkwardness with the truth, versus the easy way out of fading away while hopefully avoiding less drama.

Just block her number so that you're not brought back to square one in the healing process when she's having a dry spell and wants an ego boost from someone who once had a crush on her.

If someone needs space from you, she's not the right person for you. The right person will be evolving with you into a deeper relationship--building a beautiful life together.

[MissCanuck]

I think this is just her very roundabout way of letting you know this isn't going to work out. 

I would keep moving. The right woman for you will show more enthusiasm.