I love my girlfriend but think I’m in love with a past fling

[Helpme2468]

So I’m a 26 guy and I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1 year and things are great. I love her endlessly however we do argue quite a bit. She does contribute so much to my life and I feel empty without her.
 

However, I cannot stop thinking about the girl I hooked up with back in high school year’s ago. Back when we hooked up it was never serious just something we did on drunken nights however I did hear from others that she had a crush on me. I’ve always thought about her since we first hooked up. 

a couple of months ago my current girlfriend requested we take a break due to personal family issues. During this break I reached out to the high school girl and we went on dates and hooked up and fed each other sweet nothings. I am mad about this girl but I know nothing could ever come of it because we differ in core values such as monogamy. I love my current girlfriend and was forced to stop seeing the high school girl when me and my girlfriend got back togeTher.

however, I still cannot stop thinking about her. I keep telling myself that I have something good with my girlfriend and she loves me more than I’ve ever been loved. I also tell myself that if me and high school girl were meant to be we would’ve been by now. 
 

I love my girlfriend and don’t want to be without her. I want to be able to get over the high school girl but I just can’t.

any advice ? 

[Kwothe28]

Are you addicted to drama? Think that so much drama with somebody equates passion and love? Because your high school girlfriend is clearly bad for you. And yet you still yearn her over the thing that is actually there and maybe good for you.

Anyway, if you are in love in your past fling, then let your current girlfriend go. She deserves somebody who would love her too. And not somebody who yearns serious cheater thinking his love should be there.

[Helpme2468]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are you addicted to drama? Think that so much drama with somebody equates passion and love? Because your high school girlfriend is clearly bad for you. And yet you still yearn her over the thing that is actually there and maybe good for you.

Anyway, if you are in love in your past fling, then let your current girlfriend go. She deserves somebody who would love her too. And not somebody who yearns serious cheater thinking his love should be there.

Thanks for your reply. It’s frustrating because I do love my girlfriend and hate that I feel the way I do. I just cannot help it

[Batya33]

You can help your reaction to your feeling.  You can react by accepting that you and fling person are not going to be long term together.  You can react by accepting that you are not that into your girlfriend because if you were you'd be able to resolve those feelings -react by giving them their appropriate place -and that would be simple indeed because your feelings for and commitment to your gf would be strong enough to overcome any residual feelings.

I certainly remember certain of my exes with fondness and for those I share mutual friends with I care about how they are doing in general (meaning if they post on the same thread as I do -I'm not FB friends with long term exes, am linked in with one of them). I do think about certain experiences we had together -trips, concerts, etc.  

But those fond feelings, those caring feelings, those memories - they simply exist and never make me question my love for and commitment to my husband.  I wouldn't have married him if I thought they would.  

[MissCanuck]

It seems thay neither woman is right for you. 

You don't have the right feelings anymore for your girlfriend. That will become more of a problem over time, even if your crush on this other woman fades. Your heart and mind just aren't invested anymore, despite how much she apparently loves you. That love and devotion needs to be mutual or it will not work. 

But this other woman is not the one for you, either. However, she represents something that you need to be honest with yourself about - you have checked out of your relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Helpme2468 said:

 I am mad about this girl but I know nothing could ever come of it because we differ in core values such as monogamy.

Unfortunately you and your GF seem incompatible if you 'argue quite a bit' and need to 'take breaks'.

Stop and reflect what all the arguments are about and why you're taking breaks and during this break ran to someone else. 

Hopefully you're not using the GF as a security blanket while you play the field and lust after others. 

All you can do is be honest with yourself and your GF about whether there's a future or not.

[redswim30]

It doesn't sound like you're in love with your GF.   You may love things she gives you, namely COMFORT.  But comfort isn't the same as love.  You also just don't sound compatible.  People in truly loving relationships don't argue all the time or "take breaks' when life gets tough.  Perhaps you do love your GF as a person, but you are not IN LOVE with her. 

If you were truly madly in love with your GF, you would be able to stop thinking about this other woman. 

The reason you can't is because this other woman represents something you are missing in your current relationship.  You need to discover what that is.  If you don't, you'll just continue to search for that with the next woman and the next, and the next.   The other possibility is that you really are in love with this other woman, but are scared to admit it. If it weren't for the monogamy issue, would you want to be with her?

IMVHO, No matter what, I think you should break up with your GF.   It's not fair to her to be your security blanket while you are emotionally in love with someone else.  Even if ultimately you aren't in love with this other woman, you should never stay with someone out of "comfort" or fear that you won't find "something better".  

 

[smackie9]

I think you need to re-evaluate what love truly is. I tell you it's not love when you can't get along. When she pushes you away you desire her more. That's the abuse cycle. You get a hit of dopamine when she does that to you, and that's why you can't stop. It's like an addiction. You need to break it off and work on your self esteem because you seem to feel worthless if you don't have someone. 

Being with someone isn't to fill a void but to enhance your life. Stop making it all about your GF or this girl. Get a life, get real with yourself, find a way to live without, and enjoy life...learn to just be happy on your own. When you do that you will find a nice quality person to share and build your life with, without forcing it to happen. 

[Andrina]

You likely look at photos of this ex, ask your friends about her or let them give you updates about her, and either haven't stopped communicating with her or are reading old texts from her. If so, you'll have to cut all of that out. Your ethics about monogamy don't match, so that's a major dealbreaker. You can get over someone when they are out of sight and out of mind when you don't feed your mind with those fantasies about her. You do have the ability to redirect your thoughts.

I agree with the other posters that your present gf isn't right for you. Though it's nice to have a companion in life, it sounds like you might be one of those people who have a hard time being alone when need be. And as said, it would be beneficial for you to go solo for a while and find fulfillment within yourself before sharing that happiness with another.

One woman didn't share your ethics. The other woman bails with breaks where she should be seeking your support whenever tough times arise. That's a red flag about how she deals with problems. 

Hopefully, you'll hold out for a more ideal partner in the future.

[Betterwithout]

Sounds like your high school girl brings something to the table that your current girlfriend doesn't.
Monogamy feelings must align so perhaps you feel like you are "settling" for your current girlfriend.
At 26, are you getting the "time to settle down vibe" yet?  If so, you are going to have to dig deep to see if you can leave past feelings in the past and move forward with your current girlfriend.  If the arguing and not getting along is beyond normal relationship bickering standards, might have to move on to someone else....and this doesn't mean falling back into the arms of your high school girlfriend.
Someone new entirely.

Good luck 

[SooSad33]

Many good replies!

From wanting what you don't have with your present gf... to issue's on these 'breaks' that you 2 have taken. 

You already know your fling is not suitable for you.  And when a couple 'takes a break', this is no good on the stability of the relationship.  It's not stable 😕 .  Plus, IF you really felt deeply enough for this gf, you would not have acted out with your fling, like you did.

So, I agree with what was mentioned.. that neither of them are suitable for you.

Fine, you've had your fun again with your fling and are apparently back again with your gf - who may just pull away again anytime because of something else.... 

How about YOU be done with all of this.. Take some serious 'down time' for yourself.  Be single for a while & get yourself back to good.  Then look at dating again and finding someone out there who does satisfy you in all degree's.  Because the worst thing to do is hang with someone you do not feel enough for - and that's just leading them on.. to nothing 😕 .

Be honest with yourself and them.