Ho to recognise when a guy is sincere or is just playing around?

[Anil_78]

I really need some advice because I met a guy that I really like but his last behaviour make my suspicious about his honesty. We date few time and it has been lovely, I felt that there was some connection and he told me that he feels attracted by me and he has been very sweet. However two days ago he told me that he was traveling to an other country for work (just a couple of days and that he would have been back by Friday). First weird thing, I have noticed that, few hours before his flight, he has disabled the distant option from the dating app that we use to communicate with. I thought that there could be many good reasons why someone would do that while traveling (privacy, or to don't get match in his new location etc...) so I have tried to don't be paranoid and think that he is hiding something. 

However today, Friday,  he texted to say that he is sick and therefore is not coming back in town for the weekend. Of course it could be a coincidence but combined with the previous behaviour just make me suspicious. Moreover I have texted him saying that I am sorry that his not feeling well and asking how his work trip went and he didn't reply. 

I have been dating him just few times but I feel hurt by this behaviour. I don't know if I can trust him and I am worried to get hurt more. But if I am wrong I could loose the chance of a potential relationship. I would be nice to hear some other objective opinion 🙂

Thx 🌷🌷🌷

Lina 

[Coily]

Depending on where he went and his phone's data plan it could have been very expensive for him.

Also when I was deathly ill I preferred not to text a woman I had been seeing. She jumped to conclusions because I physically couldn't text daily, that I was duplicitous. So she just ghosted on me

Me personal thought is see how this plays out in the next week, if things return to normal then no sweat. If in a week's time he has gone more silent then you know to move on.

[smackie9]

You only been on a few dates. He's not obligated to be faithful to you, nor you to him. You have to assume you both are still in the process of getting to know one another and both are free to keep your options open until exclusivity is established. 

[Anil_78]

Thank you Coily, I have just checked and you could be right regarding the expense plan! And also about the sickness iy makes sense. Thanks for helping me to get out of my vicious thoughts, I will see how it will develop in the next week 🙂

[Anil_78]

Smackie9, You are super right! I just like him a lot and I would like it would be reciprocated! I will wait and see how it will go 🙂

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Well, if he is on the app, he probably uses it for more then just texting you there. So its probably not too much to assume that he maybe dates others. So, could be that he is just excusing himself with "I am sick". But you never know that.

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Ho to recognise when a guy is sincere or is just playing around?

You dont know. He could have just gone to the trip and is now sick. Or he could have gone on trip, slept with somebody there and now has a date with somebody else for the weekend. 

What you need to do is relax a bit. Go "step by step". You dont know the guy so focus on that. In time you will see who he is. He still didnt reply about your question about the trip but maybe he will. When he is feeling better maybe he calls for a date. But even if he doesnt do that, you should be fine. Keep low expectations at least at the start. That way even if he turns out not to be sincere, you wont be too much dissapointed. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Lina said:

Smackie9, You are super right! I just like him a lot and I would like it would be reciprocated! I will wait and see how it will go 🙂

 

 

Do you have time place plans for another date? If not assume that was the last date unless and until he responds to you and asks you out for a date - that's the reality when you're getting to know someone through dating -each date is the last unless there is a plan.  So since he is sick I'd give it a week -but not you "waiting" - I mean assume that was your last date -but since he is sick I would put him entirely out of your mind and not read into silence or whatever - he should be able to respond within a week and ask you out or at least let you know he's not wanting to make plans till he's all better but can't wait to see you.

Playing around would be if he texts you next week and you find out he wasn't really sick and/or he keeps texting without making plans.  

[Betterwithout]

We all want trust in our relationships, especially when trust has been broken with previous relationships.
But it takes time to build.  
Looking at the situation, maybe there is something fishy, or maybe not.

It may seem trite, but always first give the trust, until you believe you can't otherwise.

[Andrina]

Hurt after 2 dates? Disappointment I can understand, but hurt is a bit much, showing you need to guard your heart a little more until a stranger reveals more of himself. 

Time will reveal all you need to know. Will it be devastating if you go on 2 or 3 more dates and then find out he is indeed a jerk? It's a brief period of time in the scope of things. Just as long as you don't sleep together until you're confident he's long-term material, as I'm assuming that's your goal.

Everybody has to go through this vetting process. Parts of it aren't very fun. No way around it though, so learn to be more resilient and realistic. The end goal is worth it.

[Cherylyn]

Wait until you see him in person and ask questions then.  Speak in person.  He'll either put your fears to rest by CALMLY explaining answers to you or if he's the difficult type with becoming easily agitated and irritable,  you'll know he's not for you.  Get to know him better and then decide either to accept or reject him.

[Anil_78]

On 2/5/2023 at 1:54 AM, Cherylyn said:

Wait until you see him in person and ask questions then.  Speak in person.  He'll either put your fears to rest by CALMLY explaining answers to you or if he's the difficult type with becoming easily agitated and irritable,  you'll know he's not for you.  Get to know him better and then decide either to accept or reject him.

Thank you for your advice Cherylyn. If I will have the chance to meet him again I could try to ask him. However since this work trip ho got more quite and not so much interested to talk via messages, so I don't know what will it happen. 

[Anil_78]

On 2/4/2023 at 5:46 PM, Andrina said:

Hurt after 2 dates? Disappointment I can understand, but hurt is a bit much, showing you need to guard your heart a little more until a stranger reveals more of himself. 

Time will reveal all you need to know. Will it be devastating if you go on 2 or 3 more dates and then find out he is indeed a jerk? It's a brief period of time in the scope of things. Just as long as you don't sleep together until you're confident he's long-term material, as I'm assuming that's your goal.

Everybody has to go through this vetting process. Parts of it aren't very fun. No way around it though, so learn to be more resilient and realistic. The end goal is worth it.

Oh Andrina, I know how right you are telling me to be more resilient and realistic, it is just something that I can't control. I get invested by the emotions and then I always end up to feel a huge disappointment. I am totally aware of it 😅

Thank you for spending some time to share same wise words 🌷

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, Anil_78 said:

Thank you for your advice Cherylyn. If I will have the chance to meet him again I could try to ask him. However since this work trip ho got more quite and not so much interested to talk via messages, so I don't know what will it happen. 

Don't talk via messages.  Wait to have a in person conversation with him minus distractions.  Pick his brain then.  You will determine if he's a keeper or not.

[catfeeder]

It can do something to your head to invest in a brand new date as though he should treat you as his girlfriend right off the bat. It's been 2 dates, you're still strangers.

Try thinking of it like a lottery ticket. Put it aside, and don't check it until there's something to check.

Meanwhile, try setting up some quick meets with other guys. Maybe you'll find someone you like even better.

[Anil_78]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It can do something to your head to invest in a brand new date as though he should treat you as his girlfriend right off the bat. It's been 2 dates, you're still strangers.

Try thinking of it like a lottery ticket. Put it aside, and don't check it until there's something to check.

Meanwhile, try setting up some quick meets with other guys. Maybe you'll find someone you like even better.

Yes Catfeeder, brand new date totally do something to my head, although I am not expecting that he should consider me as his girlfriend after a couple of dates. What I would expect is Not silly games: for example if you can't meet in the weekend just say that you are busy. Inventing stories like 'I am way for a work trip and then I fall so sick that I can't text you' makes me feel manipulated and I feel the urgent to know if this is the case  so I will not invest extra time on that person. However I know that this is too much to ask since some people just love to lie. So I will try to see it as you suggested: a lottery ticket, considering also the fact the it is so rare that it could be the winner one 🙂   

[Wiseman2]

On 2/3/2023 at 10:47 AM, Anil_78 said:

 I met a guy that I really like 

All you need to do is slow down. Dating is a get-to-know-you process. All you need to know is if you're both still interested in seeing each other and if that's being set up.  

Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. He doesn't owe you an account of where he is and what he's doing. He only has to either ask you out again....or not.

Even after a few nice dates things can fizzle and it's possible to be disappointed.

However you seem a bit overinvested by feeling "hurt" almost as if you were in a relationship and he is betraying you.  Make sure you are ready to date and any baggage(feeling hurt, betrayed, etc) is in the past.

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Anil_78 said:

However I know that this is too much to ask since some people just love to lie

Please don't date with that sort of negativity.  There are people everywhere who make bad choices, act rudely at times or are just plain prone to evil and enjoy being manipulative.  You're looking for a good match for you.  One person. 

Dating requires a really thick skin and requires you show up, look nice and be nice basically -and you can't if you have all this negativity even if you put on a smile -I always could tell when a man I met had a chip on his shoulder or believed with any focus "some people just love to lie" and it was a real turn off.  It's worth the effort to have a mindset that eschews jadedness and bitterness -don't indulge in that easy cop out of draping yourself in negativity because it's self-sabotaging.  

I dated for 24 years on and off and you know what - some of it was fake it till you make it, and mostly I met good people and was treated like a lady. I didn't let the "bad apples" get to me.  But for me all the work and effort I did -including self-work was worth it because my goals were marriage/family -if my goal had been just making friends, companionship, casual dating-wouldn't have been worth it.  But otherwise -no guarantees -I accepted that fact -but totally worth it.  I referred to it as winning the lottery when I found the right person and we were able to start a family and get married in our early 40s.

Hope you find a way to get a healthier perspective on this dating "game"!