1.5 years later and I can’t get over the cheating

[Kevin II]

I just simply don’t know what to do. I’ve posted on here before to some of you may know my story but, I am still so completely devastated at the love of my life cheated on me so badly and our wonderful amazing relationship ended so ugly.

We had the most incredible connection. She would tell me that she had never ever been closer to another person, that I brought her back to life and that I had made her the person she was today, that I made her a more informed and well-rounded person, and that the two years we had together with the two best years of her life. The honeymoon phase didn’t end; it went on for two years. She was a recovering addict and got hooked on Xanax about two months before she cheated on me and I keep going back-and-forth wondering if it’s the drugs, or if she really just stopped loving me.

I don’t think she stopped loving me because I know she was completely devastated after we broke up and she was incredibly apologetic. She said no one would ever replace me and that she’d never get over me, which I know wasn’t true but, she said she was heartbroken every day and cried every day and that it all came back to me, that everything reminded her me.

Like a complete moron I broke the no contact rule because I was still suffering, and we tried to be friends and talk on the phone every night. It was almost like she got used to me again and took me for granted and would go back-and-forth on whether or not she wanted to get back together. That’s how sick I was at that point and how hurt I was, I actually thought it was a good idea to get back together because I was in total denial. Finally just a few weeks after telling me I was the love of her life and she could never get over me, she told me she didn’t have feelings for me.

We had a huge fight and never really spoke again, and then two weeks later she began dating the guy that she cheated on me with, posting pictures of them together, and they were apparently in love and going to get married.

10 months later, she died of a drug overdose.

I have mourned her death over and over and i’m also beating myself up out of guilt for not taking the highroad when it all ended, but now I find myself still angry at her. I’m still completely and totally devastated that she cheated. She swore she would never do it to me. I know people say they’re in love and I know everyone has been in love but this was something like I have never experienced in my life and I know it was real and I know it wasn’t just me. We were absolute soulmates and I still can’t believe that she did it. she was the one that used to tell me that she would be so devastated if I ever cheated or ever broke up with her, that was one thing we could never imagine was being with another person, and she did it, and pulled away from me and gravitated towards somebody else.

However, I remember when she first started taking Xanax, which I don’t know much about, and she became a completely and totally different person. I never saw the real version of her again and I just want to blame it all on the drugs so bad. I don’t wanna believe that she was a bad person because I spend every second with her for two years and I never saw anything like this happen

it has been 18 months and I am still just as broken and battered and I can’t imagine ever being in another relationship. I’m only 47 years old and I feel like I just never ever want to be in a relationship ever again because it’s way too much for me to deal with more heartbreak, more cheating, more loss. I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. Lots of suicides, losing my mom and my brother when I was young, and losing my family in a divorce.

She was the one person I could trust to never to do it to me. She said it over and over again that she would never ever do it or hurt me like that, that she would just tell me if she was was ever unhappy. And I kept taking her back and she just did it over and over again

I just can’t imagine being with anybody else, she was everything to me and my perfect partner, or so I thought. I should’ve just left it at the end when she was sad and missing me and supposedly still in love with me, I never ever should’ve started talking to her again and it ended up ruining the memories of our relationship I think, because when she died, we hated each other.

I have never been so lonely in my life and I just cannot move on. It’s been so hard. I cry every day, multiple times a day, and it’s the only thing that crosses my mind just all the time. I function in life and do what I need to do but it’s always there all the time, and I can’t stop going over and over it in my mind. I go to therapy and everything and nothing helps. I can’t ever imagine being in a relationship again and I should protect myself and just never do it. The best thing for me is to be completely alone I feel like.

No one has to respond to this. I’m sorry it’s so long but it’s therapeutic for me to write all that out. Anyway, I know I’m not the only one out there that suffers.

<> (OP: Please do not post photos without the consent/knowledge of a partner/or ex, etc) Thanks.

 

 

 

[Starlight925]

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.

In a normal, stable relationship, people don't continually repeat that they won't cheat.  They just. Don't. Cheat.  The fact that it seems this was an almost daily occurrence, her reassurances that she'd never cheat, and her pinky-swearing, repeating, ad nauseam, was a signal that....she was going to  cheat.

People tell you what they're going to do.

The fact that you had such intense passion for her, yet such tragedy in your life, leads me to believe that your brain was trying to put a puzzle together:  

Insert enormous amount of love here, into this blank space where love used to be.  

Insert "soulmate" passion into this space where tragedy lies.

I'm not saying you didn't have a connection with her, of course you did.  What I'm saying is that she said all the right things to make your heart go pitter patter.  Her actions did not match up.

As for the Xanax, well, since she seems to have passed away from overuse, it's possible that she did have a personality change, as it appears she was abusing it.  How was she getting all the extra Xanax?

Again, I'm so sorry you're hurting.  Find a different therapist; find 10 therapists.  You need to get to the heart of your many losses, and see why this relationship felt so different:  it fit into what you needed in your life, so your grief from her is compounded by grief you've felt in the rest of your life.

 

[boltnrun]

You're suffering from grief and guilt. And that's completely understandable. Please find a therapist who you truly connect with and who can help you through this very difficult time.

Yes, the drugs caused her to behave badly. I know people who are addicts and they are at the mercy of their addiction. All of them have lost everything. It's very tragic. 

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you're having such a hard time, OP, and having to cope with her loss on top of that. I too lost a partner many years ago so I relate to the grief you are experiencing. 

I would kindly suggest you seek some different professional support to help you navigate these turbulent feelings. Something isn't really working if you are still suffering this much. It will take time, and plenty of it, but it seems you haven't even scratched the surface of healing yet. 

Remember that this woman had deep issues that existed before you. The drugs might have magnified the chaos, but stable people don't choose substances again and again. Sadly, she was not the perfect person you thought she was. 

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

In a normal, stable relationship, people don't continually repeat that they won't cheat.

This is so true. Something was really off between you two if she was constantly repeating this. This isn't necessary when you have a solid foundation and healthy partnership. It seems you are in some denial about the red flags on that. 

[Kwothe28]

Its called "grief". All that feelings you are experiencing, crying, blaming yourself and her, saying how you will never love again, it all goes within the process. Its all perfectly normal for a period of grief. Whether its a break up, or in your case, death of somebody you loved. There is no time table on the process of grief. And in some cases, it can take years until the person is completely recovered from it.

I would recommend grief counseling. Its effective in dealing what you are dealing now and you can even do it for free within grief support groups. It would help you deal with your emotions and help you understand the process and maybe go through it in time. As well as see that you are not alone and that lots of others experience grief. For what you are dealing, I think grief support groups are the best option.

[Jibralta]

Anyone in your situation would be struggling. This is a lot to deal with. Have you considered grief counselling? Or better yet, a grief support group? You are definitely not the only one going through something like this. It may help you to talk to others who share a similar situation with you.

[Kevin II]

Thanks. Yeah I’m not sure what to do, maybe that’s an option. I wake up crying every day, like today

[Andrina]

I reported the toxic poster's cruel comments.

I'm very sorry for all your suffering. Has your therapy included particular skills to get past the anger and mourning stages? If so, what are they, and you have been practicing them? If not, ask about this in therapy and if they can't provide this, perhaps find a new therapist more skilled in that area.

I know that certain things can keep a person from the past very present in your daily life, such as looking at their photos, reading their past communication such as texts, notes, e-mails, listening to voice messages. There is a point at the time of the ending of things where you do need to vent and feel anger and sadness, but then it's healthier to either get rid of photos and communication, or put them away out of sight and out of mind for many, many years so that the healing stage can begin. If you're bringing her up i conversation regularly with friends, that also needs to fade away. Whenever the thought of her comes to mind, redirect your mind to think of something else. Perhaps make a bucket-list of things you want to experience in life, and pick one to start making plans to complete.

You might want to also read a book on how to forgive for your own good. The injustice done to you should not be the source of eating away your soul. And to also forgive yourself. You were both humans who made mistakes. She can no longer learn from hers, but you can. There is always room to grow and evolve.

It's okay to not want to date again right now. You shouldn't. But don't put a self-fulfilling prophecy into your brain that you will never find true love again. It's very possible you will, and it's better to keep an open mind. The unknown has wonderful potential. Take care.

[Kevin II]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

No one would be happy that someone they loved died, especially an unnecessary and untimely death, unless they were completely heartless. 

 

Karma was served on the guy that helped ruin our family. I don’t feel sorry for him at all. I simply relate to him

[Kevin II]

Thanks Andrina that is all good advice. No I’ve basically been whining and complaining to my therapist to be honest with you, and I should be practicing steps to heal. I keep the pictures away as much as I can, and after we broke up I deleted all the text messages but in these times, it’s so easy to have a one or two second lapse of judgment and see pictures or letters and everything to the technology. It’s been tough. I haven’t been doing the work to be honest

[Andrina]

5 minutes ago, Kevin II said:

I haven’t been doing the work to be honest

Well, there's the secret then. It's a new year, and this can be a resolution you can vow to stick to. Take small steps now, which will lead to bigger ones, and get you where you need to be. I know I've ticked off some things on my new year resolutions, updating my beneficiary forms and filling out a booklet for my husband with all my pertinent info in the case I happen to die before him. I feel a bit lighter, knowing I accomplished that.

I guarantee you'll feel a little lighter with each of your own accomplishments. Something to look forward to.

[Betterwithout]

A very tragic story indeed.
I've been a victim of cheating to someone I intensely loved.  I never thought in a million years she would do it, but she did and my life got completely turned upside down.  I went through all stages of grief.   Even though it was 13 years ago, the pain was the worst I had ever experienced.
We share children together, so I am "stuck" seeing here and dealing with her for many more years.
I never see her as someone I once loved, I can only see the lying cheater that she was.

Your situation is much more intense than my story, but I know some of the pain you are going through.
I would suggest all the typical advice you've likely heard already,
-Journalling, highly recommend because it gets the ever circulating thoughts out of your head and onto paper(or computer file)
I still journal from time to time as sort of a update
-try different therapists until you find one that is great.  If you go to females mostly, try males, or vice versa.   If you go to an older therapist, try younger ones.  
-do the work.  conduct your own CBT therapy at home as well as with the office therapist 
-don't let yourself accept any blame.(it's easier said then done, but essential to your healing)   Remember that you made good choices, only she made the bad ones

hugs

[Betterwithout]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

Perhaps make a bucket-list of things you want to experience in life, and pick one to start making plans to complete.

I didn't catch this excellent advice earlier...  So great!

If you are filling your brain with new experiences, especially intense ones, there is much less room in there for reflecting on bad memories.   I am certain there are things you haven't done in your life before, and so seek those things out, book the day and do them.  Dedicate that new experience to the "new" Kevin