My husband won’t let me sleep and I feel like he’s being selfish

[glamguru]

I have sleep apnea, hyper mobility and a variety of other conditions that make it hard for me to get restful sleep as it is. Having a good nights rest is important to me so I do what I can to have a good night routine, sleep early etc. My husband games until 4-5 am and decides to try and sleep then, although he has to wake up at 8 for work. By 5 am, I’m in deep sleep and I’m snoring. This is the second night I woke up to him shaking me because I was snoring. My arm is actually sore because he was pressing so hard into it with his fingers to wake me and stop me from snoring. His justification is that he has to wake up at 8 but I’m self employed so I can “wake up whenever”, which isn’t true. I like to wake up earlier to get things done. Anyways, it’s 6 am now and I’m wide awake, upset and feel as though he is being selfish just because HE is the one deciding to sleep at that time and my snoring is out of my control. Am I justified in being this upset? 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, glamguru said:

 HE is the one deciding to sleep at that time and my snoring is out of my control. 

Sorry this is happening. Please consider other sleeping arrangements. Unfortunately there are other problems such as his gaming addiction but focus on your health and wellness.  If possible can one of you use the guest room or sofa, for example?

[glamguru]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please consider other sleeping arrangements. Unfortunately there are other problems such as his gaming addiction but focus on your health and wellness.  If possible can one of you use the guest room or sofa, for example?

I agree with you about a possible gaming addiction. We live in a small apartment but I also don’t want to be that couple that sleeps in separate beds. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, glamguru said:

 I also don’t want to be that couple that sleeps in separate beds. 

Perhaps it's best to take care of yourself and your health. Sigma about "that couple in separate beds" is not as important as your breathing and sleep issues.

[glamguru]

Good point I might have to sleep separately once we move

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, glamguru said:

I agree with you about a possible gaming addiction. We live in a small apartment but I also don’t want to be that couple that sleeps in separate beds. 

Do you want to be that couple who argue every night and are cranky and sleep deprived and irritable during the day -and you'll end up making more mistakes?  I'd sleep separately and have sex as you typically do - might even be more romantic that way.  You two have very different sleep and work schedules and he can't sleep while you are snoring which is understandable.  The other thing you can do is simply move to the other room -since you are the one who snores -when he comes to bed (yes even though it's an apartment) and finish your sleeping in the other room for the hour or so.  That way before he has to shake you you will already be in the other room.  

Tell him that you like him have a schedule -he can also game "whenever" and doesnt' have to game for all those hours into the wee hours.  

I know of many couples who have good marriages and sleep separately for a variety of reasons -like your reasons, or young kids who are constantly in and out of their rooms so that the working spouse needs to be separate to get a good night's sleep, a person who needs the TV on to sleep or a different temperature in the room or has to get up way early and it will disturb the other person.  Different people react to sleep deprivation differently and your husband somehow functions with sleep deprivation but it's likely to catch up to him in one way or another.

Have you tried those sleep machines, etc?

[arjumand]

My husband has had sleep apnea all his life and when he finally got a Cpap, about 22 years ago, it completely changed his life. He had never actually rested while asleep and now he sleeps very soundly. Big proponent of them. 

 

[Cherylyn]

See a sleep specialist doctor and ask him / her if you should get a CPAP machine.  You'll get your sleep, it's better not to snore (bad for your brain, heart, overall health, shortens life) and your husband needs to sleep so he can work.  I don't know how he goes to bed at 4-5AM and gets up at 8PM.  He won't last at the rate he's going.  Lack of sleep will eventually shorten his life.  ☹️

[catfeeder]

You both need to sleep, and your snoring isn't just a barrier to him sleeping, it's really bad for you. Why not get treated and take care of yourself? 

[MissCanuck]

He has a problem with gaming if he's up all night in front of the screen and then needs to be at work hours later. And the way he deals with his frustration is unacceptable. 

But I will say, having a partner with (previoulsy-untreated) sleep apnea meant I could not sleep through his treacherous snoring, either. It was impossible because it was so loud. Shaking him did not work. He'd stop for a few minutes and then fall right back into it. I was awake most of the night and couldn't go on like that. 

If you haven't already, please speak to your doctor about solutions to combat your snoring. It means you aren't resting as well as you should, and yes, it is disruptive to those around you.  Also consider sleeping separately. It isn't worth your health or your marriage to continue like this and make each other miserable. 

[poorlittlefish]

If your husband is in another room gaming until 5am, then he may as well stay in that room to sleep the couple of hours until he needs to get up. Even if you didn't have sleep problems, who wants to be woken up by their partner getting into bed at that time every night/morning?

If he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa, thenhis other choice is to come to bed at a sensible time whe he has work the next day.

As things stand, though, your relationship could be helped by you both getting professional help - you for the health issues that affect you sleeping, your husband for his gaming addiction.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

f your husband is in another room gaming until 5am, then he may as well stay in that room to sleep the couple of hours until he needs to get up. Even if you didn't have sleep problems, who wants to be woken up by their partner getting into bed at that time every night/morning?

If he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa, thenhis other choice is to come to bed at a sensible time whe he has work the next day.

Great point.  Many couples do have different sleep schedules and sometimes it's work but especially if it's preference like gaming then yes, I mean it's already 5am -totally right.

Life isn't the sitcoms where the couple would go to sleep at the same exact time every night or nearly so. (Not that that would help with a snorer but at least then no one is waking up the other-as much-to get into bed).  

As far as "those couples" I know of for example people in healthcare with atypical work shifts or they are "on call" as a doctor sleeping separately so when the phone beeps their partner is not awakened.

[Coily]

I have to wonder is early on the husband started gaming because he couldn't sleep due to the snoring, developed a habit of gaming to all hours. Ultimately OP and her husband need to have a healthy discussion about this with clear heads.

[smackie9]

How about this...why doesn't he go to bed early like at 8 and you stay up til 11 or 12. He can get up at 3 play his game until he goes to work at 8. 

[glamguru]

On 2/2/2023 at 4:32 PM, arjumand said:

My husband has had sleep apnea all his life and when he finally got a Cpap, about 22 years ago, it completely changed his life. He had never actually rested while asleep and now he sleeps very soundly. Big proponent of them. 

 

I’ll have to look into this! Thanks!

[glamguru]

On 2/3/2023 at 4:11 AM, poorlittlefish said:

If your husband is in another room gaming until 5am, then he may as well stay in that room to sleep the couple of hours until he needs to get up. Even if you didn't have sleep problems, who wants to be woken up by their partner getting into bed at that time every night/morning?

If he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa, thenhis other choice is to come to bed at a sensible time whe he has work the next day.

As things stand, though, your relationship could be helped by you both getting professional help - you for the health issues that affect you sleeping, your husband for his gaming addiction.

Yes, I agree. I booked an appointment for my sleep issues and overall I take care of my health and I follow up on things. My husband is in denial that he has a gaming addiction so there’s that…

[glamguru]

On 2/3/2023 at 8:21 AM, Coily said:

I have to wonder is early on the husband started gaming because he couldn't sleep due to the snoring, developed a habit of gaming to all hours. Ultimately OP and her husband need to have a healthy discussion about this with clear heads.

I didn’t consider this but when I asked him he said the snoring only started about 2-3 months ago and he’s been gaming for years. Maybe it’s encouraging him to sleep later though. Thanks for sharing 

[glamguru]

On 2/3/2023 at 10:23 AM, smackie9 said:

How about this...why doesn't he go to bed early like at 8 and you stay up til 11 or 12. He can get up at 3 play his game until he goes to work at 8. 

We kind of do this! He naps from 7-10 and stays awake until 5 ish and wakes again at 8. Still not enough sleep for him but I will suggest this. Thanks!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, glamguru said:

I didn’t consider this but when I asked him he said the snoring only started about 2-3 months ago and he’s been gaming for years. Maybe it’s encouraging him to sleep later though. Thanks for sharing 

Was he addicted to gaming when you were dating/engaged to him?

[Andrina]

If he wakes up for work at 8, does that mean he works like 9 to 5 p.m. and gets home at 6? And then goes to bed at 7? And then you probably go to bed at 9 or 10. So when do you two spend quality time together?