When the intimacy is gone...

[boltnrun]

I chose not to resign myself to a lifetime of being married to someone who wanted neither sex nor intimacy. He would literally come home from work late in the evening and walk right past me without saying a word. I would follow him and ask "Hi honey, how was your day?" And he'd answer "Sh*tty." End of conversation. If I tried to cuddle him in bed he'd wriggle away and tell me "I can't PERFORM!" as though I was asking him to juggle or do magic tricks. I hadn't been asking for sex anyway, just some closeness. I talked to him about it and he said he wasn't going to do anything differently. He said he would stay married to me because, as he so romantically put it, "I promised to take care of you for the rest of my life so I'm stuck with you." How wonderful! 🙄 Our poor child had to witness his parents acting like they were roommates they found off of Craigslist. One time my husband didn't speak to me for an entire two weeks! As for sex, forget about it. 

Counseling wasn't an option for someone who clearly said he wasn't interested in trying anymore. So after about five years of this I gave up and filed for divorce. Our child was upset of course but we gave him a lot of love and reassurance. One thing I'll say for my ex is he's a wonderful, devoted father. And our child got to grow up in two peaceful homes instead of what I'd dubbed the DMZ. No actual battles being fought but no peace either. Our child had peace in each of our homes. 

I have no idea if any of this is helpful. I hope it is. 

[nublu2]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So I'd be curious to know if your wife was always somewhat disinterested in sex or this is something relatively new. 

At one time we had a regular sex life.

Having said that, when I think back, did she initiate sex? No, not really.  Did she do sexy things - anything from lingerie to sexy talk? Again no. 

So while it happened, it just kind of happened. There wasn't much love or romance to it. 

I think now she probably just did it because she felt she was supposed to do it. But likely wasn't really that much into it. 

[nublu2]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I chose not to resign myself to a lifetime of being married to someone who wanted neither sex nor intimacy. He would literally come home from work late in the evening and walk right past me without saying a word. I would follow him and ask "Hi honey, how was your day?" And he'd answer "Sh*tty." End of conversation. If I tried to cuddle him in bed he'd wriggle away and tell me "I can't PERFORM!" as though I was asking him to juggle or do magic tricks. I hadn't been asking for sex anyway, just some closeness. I talked to him about it and he said he wasn't going to do anything differently. He said he would stay married to me because, as he so romantically put it, "I promised to take care of you for the rest of my life so I'm stuck with you." How wonderful! 🙄 Our poor child had to witness his parents acting like they were roommates they found off of Craigslist. One time my husband didn't speak to me for an entire two weeks! As for sex, forget about it. 

Counseling wasn't an option for someone who clearly said he wasn't interested in trying anymore. So after about five years of this I gave up and filed for divorce. Our child was upset of course but we gave him a lot of love and reassurance. One thing I'll say for my ex is he's a wonderful, devoted father. And our child got to grow up in two peaceful homes instead of what I'd dubbed the DMZ. No actual battles being fought but no peace either. Our child had peace in each of our homes. 

I have no idea if any of this is helpful. I hope it is. 

Yes. Very helpful, thank you. 

It all seems sadly very familiar. 

Including the conclusion. Thanks. 

[Andrina]

6 minutes ago, nublu2 said:

At one time we had a regular sex life.

Having said that, when I think back, did she initiate sex? No, not really.  Did she do sexy things - anything from lingerie to sexy talk? Again no. 

So while it happened, it just kind of happened. There wasn't much love or romance to it. 

I think now she probably just did it because she felt she was supposed to do it. But likely wasn't really that much into it. 

In some circumstances, especially when children are involved, sometimes it's best to try couples counseling before throwing in the towel.

In your case, I doubt it would help.

In my first marriage, we did try counseling, but as the therapist noted, he didn't want to be there as he thought everyone was biased against him and he would just get angry when issues were brought up. After the divorce, after years of many dating experiences, I finally hit upon success to find my second husband who I am a million times happier with.

I think what you should take away from this experience with her, is that in moving forward, you need to also sit back and give a partner an equal opportunity to put in effort. It's the best way to gauge if a person shares the same wants and needs in a relationship. No one person should be the sole driving force in a relationship, which you've been. If you'd done this with her, perhaps the relationship would've ended in the early stages.

But instead of regret, think of how you did bring beautiful children into the world, so it's good to see the bright side of things. That said, learning from mistakes will help you to date more wisely in the future. My advice is to be alone a good year to get your children used to a new family dynamic, and to support them without outside distractions. You also need that time to really reflect on what you want for the future, and to not jump into a band-aid situation before you're really ready to date. Take care.

[nublu2]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I have some questions.

-Have you or do you feel like you have checked out of the marriage?

-Do you feel like you have tried everything to save the  marriage?

-Do you want to try and save the marriage?

These need to be answered brutally honestly by you before any of us can help.

 Lost

I will say that I truly believe I have tried everything and I really wanted to make things better. 

However, after recently learning about asexuality, I think I have pretty much lost all hope of fixing it. 

I am just trying to understand the situation better now, but I do largely feel emotionally checked out. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, nublu2 said:

. e are in our 40s and have kids together.  

How old are the children? Is that when intimacy started to decline?

You're living together however do you both work? Do you both take care of the kids and household?

She doesn't seem "asexual", she doesn't seem happy either, she seems to have lost attraction. That could be due to being in a rut, lack of romance, etc.  

How often do you two spend time alone like date nights, getting friends family and babysitters for some nights? When's the last time you two went away for a kid free weekend? 

Maybe you're both in midlife crisis and sort of stuck in mom and dad mode.  Forgetting that before that you were sexual adults. It's doubtful she suddenly became asexual.

Your apathy is something you can address, regardless of what's going on with her. Often sexual disinterest is caused by unspoken unaddressed relationship discord. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Get in shape, cut back on bad habits. Either way, whether you exit or stay, it will improve your well-being.

Start doing things as a couple. Take up a sport or lessons or look for things you two could do like when you were dating. 

[catfeeder]

Have you ever come right out and gently told your wife that you are unhappy?

If so, how did she respond, did she care?

If you have not, consider learning where she stands on having a miserable partner and whether it matters enough to her to attempt to improve your marriage.

If so, then counseling might give you both some help in navigating this rough time and coming out the other side feeling better with one another as a team.

If she does not care enough, then there's your answer--clearly.

[lostandhurt]

On 1/27/2023 at 12:57 PM, nublu2 said:

I will say that I truly believe I have tried everything and I really wanted to make things better. 

However, after recently learning about asexuality, I think I have pretty much lost all hope of fixing it. 

I am just trying to understand the situation better now, but I do largely feel emotionally checked out. 

These answers are your answer as to what is left for you to do.  You have lost all hope of repairing the marriage, you have checked out and on top of that your wife is apathetic to the situation. You have been trying with no success and now are at the point of giving up.

We can tell you that it is okay to end a marriage such as yours but you do not need our permission nor should you rely on it.  This isn't something that an online opinion can decide, only you can do that because you have to live with your choice which is really only two options.

Stay and be miserable or start planning the end of your marriage.

  Divorce is scary because it is full of unknowns.  I survived it and so will you.  There a few things that have been mentioned that beg to be repeated. Your children are imprinting on what a marriage is like by living in the house with parents as friends or roommates. They absorb and pick up things from parents without knowing it.  Your happiness is important, your emotional well being is important and being their father is important. 

This isn't just about you but you do need to be somewhat selfish to save yourself.

Keep posting it will help

 Lost

[catfeeder]

39 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

... you have to live with your choice which is really only two options.

Stay and be miserable or start planning the end of your marriage.

I would agree with this only after learning whether your wife is willing to step up to consider your feelings, or not.

You've only spoken about the mechanics. You've stated that wife has confirmed the mechanics. And?

This does not address how your wife would respond to you spelling out clearly for her that your unhappiness with the mechanics, for you, equals the end of your marriage.

Give her that opportunity to respond, and give yourself the opportunity to learn what her response might be.

Otherwise, you are skipping a crucial step that can determine whether you'll want to 'uncouple' or 'recouple'.

Missing that step is kind of a big deal. In retrospect you could find yourself regretting having missed it.

[nublu2]

21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Have you ever come right out and gently told your wife that you are unhappy?

If so, how did she respond, did she care?

Yes, I have told her the way I feel and expressed that it feels like she doesn't love me anymore. Unfortunately she kind of shrugged it off and said of course she did, but the conversation didn't really go anywhere. 

In truth, as I think about it now, I do believe she loves me... But the problem is that it is love in a different way.  

I truly want a romantic and intimate relationship and I think that is the problem, she sees love in another way all together. 

It is not that we don't care about each other, it is just incompatibility. 

But even with that understanding, it doesn't make it any easier. 

[nublu2]

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

These answers are your answer as to what is left for you to do.  You have lost all hope of repairing the marriage, you have checked out and on top of that your wife is apathetic to the situation. You have been trying with no success and now are at the point of giving up.

We can tell you that it is okay to end a marriage such as yours but you do not need our permission nor should you rely on it.  This isn't something that an online opinion can decide, only you can do that because you have to live with your choice which is really only two options.

Stay and be miserable or start planning the end of your marriage.

  Divorce is scary because it is full of unknowns.  I survived it and so will you.  There a few things that have been mentioned that beg to be repeated. Your children are imprinting on what a marriage is like by living in the house with parents as friends or roommates. They absorb and pick up things from parents without knowing it.  Your happiness is important, your emotional well being is important and being their father is important. 

This isn't just about you but you do need to be somewhat selfish to save yourself.

Keep posting it will help

 Lost

Your thoughts have been helpful, thanks for sharing. To assure you, I am not here looking for anybody to make the decision for me, but rather, I've been weighing my situation against the thoughts and experiences of others.  And it has been helpful.  

It really is so complicated. That is the main problem. I mean, it is generally a normal relationship and household otherwise. I get it - the kids can sense when something is off so I am concerned of that too. But I think mostly it is an issue of what I am looking for. And with things being good otherwise, then maybe I am asking too much?

[catfeeder]

26 minutes ago, nublu2 said:

Yes, I have told her the way I feel and expressed that it feels like she doesn't love me anymore. Unfortunately she kind of shrugged it off and said of course she did, but the conversation didn't really go anywhere. 

In truth, as I think about it now, I do believe she loves me... But the problem is that it is love in a different way.  

I truly want a romantic and intimate relationship and I think that is the problem, she sees love in another way all together. 

It is not that we don't care about each other, it is just incompatibility. 

But even with that understanding, it doesn't make it any easier. 

This is not the same thing as telling her in no uncertain terms that if she's not willing to work this out, you are done with the marriage.

While it's up to you whether you want to offer her a final opportunity to save your marriage, it could spare you a very typical regret after seeing her cozied up with some other man while you're left with nothing but memories of how much you once loved her.

You can make this final effort or not, but it makes no sense to claim that you've tried everything except direct communication about where you stand on this issue.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, nublu2 said:

Yes, I have told her the way I feel and expressed that it feels like she doesn't love me anymore. 

That's a lot of pressure. And it's somewhat indirect. Instead of clearly stating you would like sex more often you accused her of "not loving you", which really isn't the issue, is it?  Have you attempted to create romance in the relationship? Because ultimatums, threats and claiming you feel unloved certainly won't serve as aphrodisiacs. 

Rethink how things were in the beginning and try to rekindle some things you did while dating.

 

[boltnrun]

I told my husband that I was at the point where I was considering ending the marriage.  I told him that wasn't what I wanted but if he didn't want to participate in making things better he would be leaving me with no choice.  That's when he said he said no, he was not going to try.  A few months later I got up the courage to file papers.  I told him I'd filed, we both cried but he said if that was what I wanted he wouldn't stop me.  He didn't ask me to reconsider and he didn't resolve to try to make things better.  He just accepted my decision.  I think he probably was relieved.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because ultimatums, threats and claiming you feel unloved certainly won't serve as aphrodisiacs. 

While I agree with this, for my own head I'd want to know that I clearly offered fair warning before pulling the trigger on a separation. 

If that warning is still dismissed, then it's clear that there really is nothing left to work on.

Speaking only for myself, I operate best on clarity.

 

[nublu2]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a lot of pressure. And it's somewhat indirect. Instead of clearly stating you would like sex more often you accused her of "not loving you", which really isn't the issue, is it?  Have you attempted to create romance in the relationship? Because ultimatums, threats and claiming you feel unloved certainly won't serve as aphrodisiacs. 

Rethink how things were in the beginning and try to rekindle some things you did while dating.

 

I think you misunderstand - I absolutely have done romantic things.

The problem is that she does not respond to that. And she is not physically intimate and doesn't have the interest to be. Hence the belief she is aromantic and asexual.

No amount of anything romantic or sexual will rekindle the relationship as she is just not interested in that.

So there is the problem, can a sexual really have a fulfilling relationship with an asexual? I am starting to realize the answer is no. 

[nublu2]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I told my husband that I was at the point where I was considering ending the marriage.  I told him that wasn't what I wanted but if he didn't want to participate in making things better he would be leaving me with no choice.  That's when he said he said no, he was not going to try.  A few months later I got up the courage to file papers.  I told him I'd filed, we both cried but he said if that was what I wanted he wouldn't stop me.  He didn't ask me to reconsider and he didn't resolve to try to make things better.  He just accepted my decision.  I think he probably was relieved.

I'm sorry to hear that, but as difficult as I am sure it was, it sounds like you made the right decision for you. That is good. 

I hope you have been able to find somebody that truly cares for you and are with them now!

[nublu2]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

While I agree with this, for my own head I'd want to know that I clearly offered fair warning before pulling the trigger on a separation. 

If that warning is still dismissed, then it's clear that there really is nothing left to work on.

Speaking only for myself, I operate best on clarity.

 

I am not even to this point yet of making any firm decision. I agree with you, much discussion needs to happen that has not yet before we even get to that point. 

My issue is that I have expressed my feelings and nothing has changed. So now I have to consider whether I really need more out of a relationship or not. I have really felt lately that I do need more. But if she truly is asexual, then she can't provide that. I understand that. So where does that leave us.  Two hurt people who actually do care about each other - but can't love each other they way they need it. That is sad. And that will ultimately tear the relationship apart on its own. So, back to my original point, do I just put up with life as it is and accept that I won't have the relationship I crave?

Also, understand that there have been no threats or ultimatums or anything like that. I am just trying to understand more and it has been helpful to get perspectives from others that have been in similar situations. 

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, nublu2 said:

I'm sorry to hear that, but as difficult as I am sure it was, it sounds like you made the right decision for you. That is good. 

I hope you have been able to find somebody that truly cares for you and are with them now!

I am 110% single and happy. I dated and had relationships with some real clunkers after my divorce. So I am happily single for now. 

Yes, it's possible to be single and happy!

[lostandhurt]

If you have truly checked out then telling her one more time how you feel would accomplish what?

We all like to have a name for things that are scary or causing problems we cannot seem to fix but having a name or diagnosis doesn't change anything.  What I am saying is it doesn't matter why there is no intimacy between you two, what matters is that she doesn't care if there is.  

 Lets say you go to her and tell her "We really need to go to couples counseling or I don't see how this marriage can survive much longer"  and lets say it scares her and she agrees.  Would you be relieved or disappointed?  People that have checked out of a relationship often times just go through the motions just to say they tried. 

 If you want to try and save the marriage go to her like I mentioned but if you would just be doing it for show it will just drag out the inevitable wouldn't it?

Lost

[nublu2]

10 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

If you have truly checked out then telling her one more time how you feel would accomplish what?

We all like to have a name for things that are scary or causing problems we cannot seem to fix but having a name or diagnosis doesn't change anything.  What I am saying is it doesn't matter why there is no intimacy between you two, what matters is that she doesn't care if there is.  

 Lets say you go to her and tell her "We really need to go to couples counseling or I don't see how this marriage can survive much longer"  and lets say it scares her and she agrees.  Would you be relieved or disappointed?  People that have checked out of a relationship often times just go through the motions just to say they tried. 

 If you want to try and save the marriage go to her like I mentioned but if you would just be doing it for show it will just drag out the inevitable wouldn't it?

Lost

I do think that it is only fair to have the conversation with her before getting to that point. And we certainly do need to have a conversation of some sort at some point to better understand the situation and what our options are anyway. 

I am just concerned that starting the conversation could just be the beginning of the end. And whether that actually happens at some point in time is one thing, but it certainly would cause a massive amount of other challenges if it happened right now that I am not ready for. 

[boltnrun]

I waited several months before following through with filing for divorce. Just because you decide to do so doesn't mean you have to jump in the car and rush to the attorney's office. 

Interestingly my husband told me I could stay as long as I wanted to after I told him I had filed (I was the one who moved out). We even continued to share a bed (no sex). Once the pressure was off and the conflict had been resolved it made things more relaxing between us. We actually got along better. 

[nublu2]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I waited several months before following through with filing for divorce. Just because you decide to do so doesn't mean you have to jump in the car and rush to the attorney's office. 

Interestingly my husband told me I could stay as long as I wanted to after I told him I had filed (I was the one who moved out). We even continued to share a bed (no sex). Once the pressure was off and the conflict had been resolved it made things more relaxing between us. We actually got along better. 

I can imagine the mechanics of the break, the move out, the separation of funds, etc is a whole other challenge. And honestly, one of the things that is holding me back from having the conversation with her now. 

As I indicated before, the relationship is otherwise relatively normal, so our platonic living together and sleeping in the same sexless bed may just have to do for the time being. 

[boltnrun]

I had some of it set up before I filed papers. I had rented an apartment and opened a bank account. We worked with a paralegal to determine custody and visitation and child support. 

Of course it wasn't easy. As I mentioned we both cried. And we had to tell our child. That was very difficult. And I had to walk out of our home for the last time with our child still there. That was VERY difficult. But it ended up working out fine. We're all OK. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, nublu2 said:

So, back to my original point, do I just put up with life as it is and accept that I won't have the relationship I crave?

I would not. I would communicate clearly that I am unhappy enough in our marriage to consider separating. I'd make the offer to work together as a team to improve our relationship for both of us and our family, and I'd give spouse time to consider my offer.

If that offer is not accepted, then I would separate.

A separation can be used by a couple to learn what life would be like without the spouse. Some couples decide that they are better off on their own, while others decide that their relationship may actually be worth doing the work required for a reconciliation.

Either way, I would seek qualified legal advice to learn all of my options in my location along with the best steps to take for each option.

I would use the conversation above along with legal advice to operate based on real information rather than emotions alone.

One thing I would NOT do is decide FOR a spouse that I already know the answers and that I'm qualified to reassign their sexuality based on reading the Internet.

Head high, and I really hope that this works out the best possible way for you.