ex bf lost feelings, need advice

[fairynests]

Hi,

my ex bf broke up with me almost two weeks ago now. he said he had lost feelings but couldn’t tell me why. he insisted he wasn’t lying, he didn’t know why he had lost feelings just that he did. he said he had been feeling this way for 2 months. he said it wasn’t of any shortcoming of my own, wasn’t my fault, i was more than enough, etc..

this has been really hard to comprehend because we were extremely compatible and had great chemistry. we never fought or anything. i feel blindsided and distraught. he was my best friend so i feel like i’ve taken two blows instead of just the one. we’ve been no contact since the breakup. i want to reach out to him in a month just to see how he is doing and maybe get some closure from a conversation but i’m not sure if it’s a good idea. all of the people i’m talking to think it is, and some are even optimistic that we will be able to reconcile. i’m not very optimistic.. if anything, i’m terrified. i don’t think he will want to speak to me, let alone reconcile. if he wanted to reach out, he would’ve, right? 

this has been an extremely brutal breakup to get over from. every day is getting slightly better, but i’m still very sad. i am so conflicted. 

[Kwothe28]

How long was the relationship? Sometimes people in the long relationships get jaded. They feel that it isnt going anywhere or they just lost that connection you share. Also, I am sorry, he maybe just met somebody else. Its a possibility. He just served you classic "Its not you, its me" story. Who knows what the real reason is.

I dont think you should contact him. Not because he wouldnt speak to you, if you broke up at good terms, he would at least answer you. But because I dont think its beneficial to you. NC serves so you could get through the break up and get to the acceptance faster. You still havent gone through that, heck, you still think that you would maybe reconcile. That is why its not beneficial to resume contact now. As much as it hurts, you need to move on forward. And not to go backward.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your pain and the breakup, @fairynests. 

A lot of times a guy will tell you that he's lost feelings for you without an explanation because he doesn't want to tell the real reason why which will escalate into either a heated argument, an explanation he prefers not to discuss and he's giving you a convenient, "safe" excuse for himself and you.  He's vague because being vague and unclear is easier than the high maintenance of consequences such as telling you the real reason why whatever it may be. 

Perhaps he wants his freedom and doesn't want to be tied down with a woman for now or however long it takes for him to resume a relationship.  Or, perhaps it's personal but he doesn't want to explain because it's easier to tell you he doesn't have feelings for you and he wants to be done with it and you. 

He's selfish because he's vague and he feels he doesn't owe you an explanation.  Be glad to get rid of him. 

There is no closure for you should you reach out.  He has made it clear that he's no longer interested in you.  He wants out.  The real closure is grudgingly accepting that he rejected you regardless of his reasons because the result is the same. 

I wouldn't be optimistic because he's made it clear that he's done with you. 

Don't be terrified.  Actually, feel relieved that he isn't qualified to be in your life nor deserves you because you deserve better than him.  In your mind, say, "Good riddance!" 

Give yourself a lot of time to heal.  Take baby steps.  As weeks and months go by, it will get better and you will be glad that it wasn't meant to be because he's not the man you thought he was. 

[fairynests]

35 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

How long was the relationship? Sometimes people in the long relationships get jaded. They feel that it isnt going anywhere or they just lost that connection you share. Also, I am sorry, he maybe just met somebody else. Its a possibility. He just served you classic "Its not you, its me" story. Who knows what the real reason is.

I dont think you should contact him. Not because he wouldnt speak to you, if you broke up at good terms, he would at least answer you. But because I dont think it’s beneficial to you. NC serves so you could get through the break up and get to the acceptance faster. You still havent gone through that, heck, you still think that you would maybe reconcile. That is why it’s not beneficial to resume contact now. As much as it hurts, you need to move on forward. And not to go backward.

we were together 8 months, i don’t think he found someone else he works so much he never had time to do anything. not to mention his past 2 exes cheated on him. i don’t think it was that..

if we can’t reconcile i wish we could at least meet up and give me my things back. 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, fairynests said:

if we can’t reconcile i wish we could at least meet up and give me my things back. 

You should get your things back.  Can you text him that you only want your things back, no questions asked?  Perhaps you can promise him that so you can get your things and so he won't feel that you'll bombard him with questions and demand explanations. 

[Jaunty]

I think a great many relationships end because someone "lost feelings."   Rarely when that happens can the person define "why."   

Does he have much of your stuff, important things?  If so,  it's reasonable for you to contact him and ask him to leave it somewhere you can pick it up if he's not willing to be face to face with you.  Otherwise it might be worth it to just forget about the things.

I'm very sorry this happened.  

[fairynests]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

I think a great many relationships end because someone "lost feelings."   Rarely when that happens can the person define "why."   

Does he have much of your stuff, important things?  If so,  it's reasonable for you to contact him and ask him to leave it somewhere you can pick it up if he's not willing to be face to face with you.  Otherwise it might be worth it to just forget about the things.

I'm very sorry this happened.  

no.. he doesn’t have a lot of my things. but he does have a date jar i made for us and i don’t know why he didn’t give that back

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, fairynests said:

no.. he doesn’t have a lot of my things. but he does have a date jar i made for us and i don’t know why he didn’t give that back

@fairynestsI don't think it's worth it to contact him for the date jar.  He doesn't sound worth it either.  You deserve to be treated with respect and he doesn't respect you enough to treat you as if you matter. 

[Jaunty]

23 minutes ago, fairynests said:

no.. he doesn’t have a lot of my things. but he does have a date jar i made for us and i don’t know why he didn’t give that back

You don't want that back, probably.  A new guy in your future should not have a recycled date jar from the ex.

[fairynests]

34 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You don't want that back, probably.  A new guy in your future should not have a recycled date jar from the ex.

i guess that’s true, just don’t want him to have it either. it’s one of the things he has of mine, but i feel the strongest about that because i don’t want him to use with another girl. i can burn it or bury it

[MissCanuck]

He'll probably get rid of the date jar, OP. I highly doubt he will keep it to use it with someone else. Given that you don't need it either, I wouldn't bother getting it back. 

It's hard, but these things happen sometimes. People drift apart, lose interest and so on. There isn't always a clear-cut reason. Break-ups rarely end neatly and to both parties' full satisfaction. Having another conversation in a month isn't likely to give you any further answers that will make this easier. In fact, it will probably set you back and make it hurt even more. 

 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, fairynests said:

if we can’t reconcile i wish we could at least meet up and give me my things back. 

I had to google what "date jar" is. I dont think you want that back or that he would use it.

Also 8 months is not much. The period of "infatuation" usually lasts for about 6 months. After that you usually remove "rose colored glasses" and see the partner without it. Your man started to question feelings 2 months ago so timelines match. If he doesnt feel anything after that period, he just doesnt feel it. Sorry. Dont take that personal and try to move on.

[Andrina]

14 hours ago, fairynests said:

he works so much he never had time to do anything

Who knows why he lost feelings. Maybe because he works so much, a relationship felt like too much effort for him. Maybe he was flattered by your crush, and not as sure about a crush on you but willing to give it a go, but after the initial highs of intimacy, he realized he wasn't as into things as he thought. Or if he was your best friend and bf, maybe you neglected all the other areas of your life with friendships and hobbies, and being the sole center of your universe was smothering. (I have no idea. Just throwing this out in case you have improvements to make in the future.

Regardless, most people think long and hard about breaking up, knowing it will spell forever. He didn't care enough to stick around, so that's enough info. The right man will never break up with you, so hold out for him.

Each time you contact him, you will set yourself back to square one in the healing process. It will bring all those feelings to the surface. In my experience, after a breakup, after no contact, it would take a good 4 or 5 months to stop thinking of him daily. So in your case, this would be June.

Expect you have a lot of emotions to sort through during the healing process, but there is a silver lining that in late spring, you will be well on your way to moving on.

I highlighted your quote as the fact he probably did you a favor. I once dated a guy for a year who worked too much and we rarely had outings. The next guy I dated ended up being my future husband, and I enjoy his company so much more, with thousands of fun outings under our belt. Take care.

[Batya33]

As hard as it is give yourself closure and don’t seek it from him. He really might not know. I’m sorry !!