Friends bachelor party strip club dilemma

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, rsml123 said:

@Lambert  If he truly didn't want to, this thread would have never made it to this forum.  He does want to be part of that group that's why he is asking

 

I don't think he wants to go.  I think he feels obligated to show up for his friend who is getting married.

[left due to request]

 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why are  you assuming what "most of  you" would say - the gender wouldn't matter -including if couple was the same gender.  I agree that in a marriage if there is an activity one wants to do that makes the other uncomfortable then -depending on context and how often this issue comes up, if possible defer to the spouse. I didn't want my husband to go out late at night to meet a colleague who was in town for a drink because of safety getting back.  We talked about it, I then saw I should let him go.  But I worried.  It ended up fine.  I didn't tell him he couldn't -I expressed my concerns. 

During covid there were potential situations where I would have insisted he not go into a risky situation where he could bring covid home to us.  Fortunately we were almost always on the same page.  I wouldn't have cared if it came across as "controlling" when it came to pre-vaccine risk levels.  I think if the situations are few and far between where one spouse puts his/her foot down and basically demands that the other person not go then it's typically ok and not in general a "controlling" relationship.

That 'most of you' was not gender specific.  I meant most of the people who post here as it says.  To avoid this, I said a wife and a husband.  I think you're missing the point of my questions.  The question is, why are we not treating genders equally?

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, rsml123 said:

Isn't it odd that you guys are asking this man to listen to his wife and yet if the situations were turned around, most of you will say 'he is controlling you'?

For no known reason this wife is asking the husband not to go and yet, most of you have agreed with her.  I just find this interesting.  At least I asked the question but I don't believe any of you has...

You make a great point, and I don't necessarily agree with choosing in favor of wife's wishes. I just advise against lying about it.

That's not a moral finger-wag, it's practical. Secrets involving other people cannot be safely kept, so who wants to live with the stresses of a coverup that's likely to unravel at any point?

Husband is the only one invested in protecting his marriage and living with the consequences of his decision. I suggest that lying would only compound the problem rather than resolve it.

 

[left due to request]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You make a great point, and I don't necessarily agree with choosing in favor of wife's wishes. I just advise against lying about it.

That's not a moral finger-wag, it's practical. Secrets involving other people cannot be safely kept, so who wants to live with the stresses of a coverup that's likely to unravel at any point?

Husband is the only one invested in protecting his marriage and living with the consequences of his decision. I suggest that lying would only compound the problem rather than resolve it.

 

Again, who is lying?  who told this man to lie?

[left due to request]

19 hours ago, RobH3223 said:

My wife says if I'm a real man, she expects me to tell my friends I won't go and expects me.to go back to the hotel and sit in the room alone until they are done. I refuse to do this and find this irrational.

My argument is just because I'm at a strip club doesn't mean I have to do anything. 
I can.sit enjoy a drink and chat with my friends. 

I also understand that I can voice my wife's concerns and suggest a different plan, but at the end of the day, it's not my bachelor party.

@Batya33  this is his post. Are you still saying he doesn't want to go?  As a matter of fact, that's the ONLY post he has made.  Rest were from this group.  Assumptions and accusations.... YES, all of it.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You make a great point, and I don't necessarily agree with choosing in favor of wife's wishes. I just advise against lying about it.

That's not a moral finger-wag, it's practical. Secrets involving other people cannot be safely kept, so who wants to live with the stresses of a coverup that's likely to unravel at any point?

Husband is the only one invested in protecting his marriage and living with the consequences of his decision. I suggest that lying would only compound the problem rather than resolve it.

 

I agree. I think it would be more conducive to a successful marriage to discuss and be transparent rather than discuss and decide to do it anyway while concealing it.

If the OP tells his wife that he is going no matter what she says, at least he's being honest. But it's unlikely to go well if she reiterates she doesn't want him to go and he goes anyway and chooses not to tell her. She'll find out. And hoo boy!

If he's adamant about going he should say so. And let the chips fall where they may, as the old saying goes. 

BTW, I do agree that the wife's "real man" comment was out of line. No need to throw a put down into the conversation. 

[catfeeder]

Just now, rsml123 said:

Again, who is lying?  who told this man to lie?

Nobody. I opted to address it as one obvious choice on the menu that I could foresee as creating a bigger problem.

[left due to request]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I agree. I think it would be more conducive to a successful marriage to discuss and be transparent rather than discuss and decide to do it anyway while concealing it.

If the OP tells his wife that he is going no matter what she says, at least he's being honest. But it's unlikely to go well if she reiterates she doesn't want him to go and he goes anyway and chooses not to tell her. She'll find out. And hoo boy!

If he's adamant about going he should say so. And let the chips fall where they may, as the old saying goes. 

BTW, I do agree that the wife's "real man" comment was out of line. No need to throw a put down into the conversation. 

okay... so that's relevant to this thread because....?

[left due to request]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Nobody. I opted to address it as one obvious choice on the menu that I could foresee as creating a bigger problem.

Thank you! 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

okay... so that's relevant to this thread because....?

What about that is irrelevant?

[left due to request]

Just now, boltnrun said:

What about that is irrelevant?

it was a question for you to answer...

[catfeeder]

Just now, rsml123 said:

okay... so that's relevant to this thread because....?

How is it not relevant to address the problem without compounding it?

[boltnrun]

Just now, rsml123 said:

it was a question for you to answer...

Not interested in arguing or debating with anyone who responds to threads. It's not helpful to the OP.

[left due to request]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Not interested in arguing or debating with anyone who responds to threads. It's not helpful to the OP.

It's not helpful to the OP when you start assuming what he would do.  He made one post.  Rest are from all of us.  Within that post, he said nothing about lying to anyone.

[catfeeder]

Just now, rsml123 said:

it was a question for you to answer...

R, are you here to be helpful or to censor?

You are probably welcome to apply for a moderator position with these boards, and once you complete that process you can start deciding which answers are relevant to a given discussion.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, rsml123 said:

It's not helpful to the OP when you start assuming what he would do.  He made one post.  Rest are from all of us.  Within that post, he said nothing about lying to anyone.

And in my post you quoted I did not use the word "lie" once. I said "conceal" which is not lying but rather choosing not to disclose. I also didn't "assume" he'd do anything.

[left due to request]

Just now, catfeeder said:

R, are you here to be helpful or to censor?

You are probably welcome to apply for a moderator position with these boards, and once you complete that process you can start deciding which answers are relevant to a given discussion.

see @catfeeder  this is a support group.  I understand that most of you are not trained in this but fighting off a user, assuming what he/she typed, forecasting what the person would do is nothing but judging people.  A good example of how some of you are attacking me at this point is the exact reason why people leave. 

Why is that?  Because I made you look at your posts?  Because I made you think about why your recommendation is different from how you would address male or female?  or is it simply because you don't agree?

[catfeeder]

Just now, rsml123 said:

see @catfeeder  this is a support group.  I understand that most of you are not trained in this but fighting off a user, assuming what he/she typed, forecasting what the person would do is nothing but judging people.  A good example of how some of you are attacking me at this point is the exact reason why people leave. 

Why is that?  Because I made you look at your posts?  Because I made you think about why your recommendation is different from how you would address male or female?  or is it simply because you don't agree?

I've answered each question you've asked of me directly.

I don't claim to speak for anyone else.

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why are  you assuming what "most of  you" would say - the gender wouldn't matter -including if couple was the same gender. 

I think rsml refers to a fact that most of you just conveniently chose to skip "man up" part. And that if genders are reversed, and that the wife was about to go to bachelor party and hire a striper, and husband said something along the line "you need to women up and not to go, and while your friends have fun with stripper you need, no I expect you to be in your room" most of you would suggest a trip to the lawyer and divorce. Because it would be manipulative and controling.

But since most of you are women, you take the woman side. He is here very short and even he noticed that most of you takes softer approach depending on gender. Which is kinda true and this kind of threads show that nicely.

[left due to request]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I've answered each question you've asked of me directly.

I don't claim to speak for anyone else.

I don't recall asking you anything directly.  Only to ones that you replied to and directed to me.  go check

[catfeeder]

Just now, rsml123 said:

I don't recall asking you anything directly.  Only to ones that you replied to and directed to me.  go check

When you quoted me I responded to your questions directly. If you're invested in managing this thread for all of us, you can certainly check for yourself.

Consider unclenching.

[left due to request]

Thank you @Kwothe28  I didn't want to steal the thread so I just made that one entry.  But it looks like I did anyhow.  OP I apologize.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread has run its course