Friends bachelor party strip club dilemma

[RobH3223]

My best friend is getting married and we are doing a guys trip in the Keys. There are 8 of us going. Majority of us are married, myself included, he is getting married obviously, and rest are single. Friend has already said he plans on going to a strip club as his fiancee has no issue nor does anyone else's wives. 

However my wife is completely against strip clubs and she's made it very clear. I have no desire to go to a strip club either, as in they don't excite me and are a waste of $$. However, I do enjoy the comradeship of being with my friends and having a great time. 

My wife says if I'm a real man, she expects me to tell my friends I won't go and expects me.to go back to the hotel and sit in the room alone until they are done. I refuse to do this and find this irrational.

My argument is just because I'm at a strip club doesn't mean I have to do anything. 
I can.sit enjoy a drink and chat with my friends. 

I also understand that I can voice my wife's concerns and suggest a different plan, but at the end of the day, it's not my bachelor party.

U sure on what to do here. Has anyone else come into a similar situation with their s/o?

[bluecastle]

My gut on this is an old question: Is this really the hill you want to die on? 

As you say yourself, you're not really into strip clubs, so why not sit that part out and enjoy a scant few hours less of camaraderie? It's not all that different from declining a line of cocaine at a party—or, for that matter, leaving the party at 2 in the morning instead of at sunrise. All good all around, at least from where I sit.

So me? I'd just say to my friends that you don't want to throw a wrench into the schedule, are down to celebrate a zillion different ways, but that the strip club part doesn't dovetail with the marriage you and your wife have. That last part is key, as it's not about blaming your wife for being a shrew but being a united front.

Might feel like a lumpy pill to swallow in the moment, but I suspect you'll thank yourself later. 

[Andrina]

If your spouse feels really strongly about something, and it is reasonable, I think that's what should reign over "having fun with buddies" for 4 hours.

When they're doing that, go get a few beers and a bite to eat at Sloppy Joe's or Captain Tony's and walk around town or something.

You never know. One of the other guy's might be more comfortable hanging with you when you bring up what you'll be doing. If not, you'll probably meet some new people to chat up at the other bars, etc. 

It'a a short time in the brief span of things, and you can enjoy your camaraderie during the remainder of the trip.

 

[Kwothe28]

55 minutes ago, RobH3223 said:

My wife says if I'm a real man, she expects me to tell my friends I won't go and expects me.to go back to the hotel and sit in the room alone until they are done.

And you allow her this kind of talk? Your wife is manipulative. She has her own reasons why she doesnt want you to go and you conceiding on that hill would just make her unreasonable demands in the future worst, not better.

Its your buddy bachelor party. Go out there with your friends even if you have to sit at the bar the entire evening and drink juice. Because its your buddy celebration. You staying at hotel does exactly nothing, if you plan to do that, you may as well stay home. So, take a stand there. Your wife would survive you having to go to strip club for a celebration. If she doesnt, she is indeed unreasonable. 

[Jaunty]

22 minutes ago, Andrina said:

 

You never know. One of the other guy's might be more comfortable hanging with you when you bring up what you'll be doing.

 

I agree; it would not be surprising if you're not the only guy who would prefer not to go to a strip club in order to keep the peace at home.  Or they just don't like the scene.  

 

[boltnrun]

I too would prioritize your spouse over your friend. And I agree with Andrina, there may be other men present who would rather not go to the strip club.

My husband (fiance at the time) was told by his brother that he would be taking him to a strip club for his bachelor party. He said no way, no how, not going. His brother insisted: so did he. They did not end up going but no one had permanent damage from not going to a strip club.

[Batya33]

Many years ago when my husband and I were engaged the first time of two I believe his friend planned to take him to a strip club as part of a bachelor party weekend even though my husband didn't want to (which he told his friend but I got the sense his "veto" would be overrided) . Back then I was not entirely opposed to him going because I knew he'd do absolutely nothing inappropriate and I'd know that now too.  But - now - if he was invited I'd ask him to please not go to that part of the festivities.

I trust him 100% just as I've gotten older - it's just repulsive to me (and yes I went to bachelorette parties in my 20s that had male strippers- and yes I kissed a Chippendales dancer when I was a teenager but I believe I wasn't dating anyone at the time).

I don't think he'd want to go and also these days - I don't hear about this being such an activity of choice anymore -I hear about guys weekends -like either I don't know golf, or sailing or going to a football or baseball game or just "guy stuff" but not strip clubs.

I think you defer to your wife in this instance-it's not worth it and I'd love nothing more -myself -than an evening to myself at a beautiful locale.  Make the most of it!  

[left due to request]

reading your passages and other women here, I get the feeling that your wife doesn't trust you.  How did you earn that? 😄  I would go and sit at the bar and not do anything you'd regret later.  Strip joint is not all about having sex.  As a matter of fact, you CAN'T have sex in any strip joints anyhow.  Women often think otherwise but that is simply not true.  You can't even touch the dancers in some clubs.  Just topless ladies walking around dancing for you... that's all.

now the Irish pubs... the fact is that anything can go outside the bar.  So ladies, for your peace of mind, your men are more likely to mess around in a pub than in a strip joint.

for a bachelor parties, this issue comes up very frequently, so they have a bar/table near the stage and force bachelor with dollar bills to sit right at the end of the stage.  Most of the times, it's just clean fun.  Trust me that the bouncers will toss you out if you're drunk and try to do something stupid.

speak to your wife and convince her.  If she still says no, leave your phone at the hotel.  BTW, phones are not allowed in a strip joints anyhow...

 

[boltnrun]

I guarantee if you lie to your wife and sneak off to the strip club she will find out from one of the other wives. And that would be a very unpleasant and costly decision. 

I don't advocate lies and deceit between spouses. 

[Cherylyn]

This has nothing to do with trust.  Your wife doesn't want you to go to the strip club and you don't have the desire to go either.  Strip clubs are not for everyone. 

Being together on a trip grows old quickly.  Getting a much needed break from each other is welcomed.  Consider your time alone to do what you enjoy such as order in, rest, relax in your hotel room, read, do take out meals or eat out, enjoy the beach, sight see, shop or something like that.  Savor the break from the guys because constant chatter with your friends grows noisy and fatiguing.  Chill.  Savor your alone time! 

For my husband's bachelor party, they went to a baseball game and dined out at a steak 'n seafood restaurant afterwards.  No alcohol, never drugs.  Our social circle consists of teetotalers.  They kept it clean much to my relief but then again, this is the type of man I married and the type of friends we have. 

I didn't have a bachelorette party.  However, my best friend and maid-of-honor and her mother hosted a great bridal shower for me.  They cooked delicious food and I received gifts which I still use to this day.  We still use our wedding gifts, too.  We also received a lot of cash.

I've been married for a long time.  Wise husbands always remember this mantra:  "Happy wife equals happy life!"  How true it is.  🙂

[Lambert]

I think you could do more than just sit in the room by yourself. Maybe if you find an alternative activity, one or two of the others would enjoy that more and go with you. 

[Coily]

Not a big fan of strip clubs, but then I even get bored at the local brewery. However when out with friends I will go outside my comfort zone for the camaraderie. I think your gut will tell you what’s appropriate at the end of the day.

 I also agree that respecting your wife’s wishes are important; but there is something very insulting in the way she demands you don’t participate. That whole “real man” crap is very disrespectful and controlling on her part; to the point I’d almost say go to the strip club (half joking).

Ultimately this is up to you, and your personal code of conduct. 
 

 

[catfeeder]

Whatever you decide to do, I would not make the mistake of lying to your wife about it.

[Lambert]

I came back to this thread to add: if you do decide to go to the club or you think you might decide to go at the last minute, tell your wife that in advance. Ask her if she can understand how you feel. not how she would feel in your shoes. how YOU feel.

[left due to request]

Isn't it odd that you guys are asking this man to listen to his wife and yet if the situations were turned around, most of you will say 'he is controlling you'?

For no known reason this wife is asking the husband not to go and yet, most of you have agreed with her.  I just find this interesting.  At least I asked the question but I don't believe any of you has...

[Lambert]

17 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Isn't it odd that you guys are asking this man to listen to his wife and yet if the situations were turned around, most of you will say 'he is controlling you'?

For no known reason this wife is asking the husband not to go and yet, most of you have agreed with her.  I just find this interesting.  At least I asked the question but I don't believe any of you has...

Hi @rsml123

I agree with you especially the part about the wife being disrespectful with the "man up" statement.  BUT!  in this case he clearly states he doesn't like it either.  

15 hours ago, RobH3223 said:

I have no desire to go to a strip club either, as in they don't excite me and are a waste of $$.

 

[left due to request]

@Lambert  If he truly didn't want to, this thread would have never made it to this forum.  He does want to be part of that group that's why he is asking

 

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, rsml123 said:

@Lambert  If he truly didn't want to, this thread would have never made it to this forum.  He does want to be part of that group that's why he is asking

 

That is a separate observation. 

My response was to your comment about everyone agreeing with the wife.  

[spinstermanquee]

My two cents, and this has happened in real life.  In our 30s, husband called me from work and said "some of the guys are going to a gentlemen's club after work and they asked me to go with."  (His colleagues were kind of hound dogs too.) I said, "As long as you come home to me, I'm cool with it."  He went, he came home, I asked him how it was.  "Kind of boring."

Not gonna lie, while he was there I did have a few thoughts dance through my mind (pun intended) but I still trusted him implicitly.  It never came up again and I'm willing to bet he declined them if they ever did ask again...

It has nothing to do with being a "real man" or not.  Because he is a real man.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, RobH3223 said:

. I refuse to do this and find this irrational

It seems like you have made up your mind about it. It's not great that your wife is upset about it, but hopefully you'll work something out that's a compromise that's somewhere between being a party pooper and getting grief at home.  

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, rsml123 said:

Isn't it odd that you guys are asking this man to listen to his wife and yet if the situations were turned around, most of you will say 'he is controlling you'?

For no known reason this wife is asking the husband not to go and yet, most of you have agreed with her.  I just find this interesting.  At least I asked the question but I don't believe any of you has...

I didn't agree with the suggestion he lie to his wife and just go and leave his phone behind. If he chooses to go he should tell his wife, not lie to her. 

[left due to request]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I didn't agree with the suggestion he lie to his wife and just go and leave his phone behind. If he chooses to go he should tell his wife, not lie to her. 

I did not ask the man to lie.  That's your assumption.  Please read it again.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, rsml123 said:

I did not ask the man to lie.  That's your assumption.  Please read it again.

 

14 hours ago, rsml123 said:

speak to your wife and convince her.  If she still says no, leave your phone at the hotel.  BTW, phones are not allowed in a strip joints

I apparently misinterpreted this sentence above. Can you clarify what you meant by this?

[left due to request]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

 

I apparently misinterpreted this sentence above. Can you clarify what you meant by this?

it's rather simple.  it means don't listen to her.  Whether he tells the truth afterwards or not, that is what he will need to decide.  As you or others may say "that's a controlling behavior, don't listen"

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, rsml123 said:

Isn't it odd that you guys are asking this man to listen to his wife and yet if the situations were turned around, most of you will say 'he is controlling you'?

For no known reason this wife is asking the husband not to go and yet, most of you have agreed with her.  I just find this interesting.  At least I asked the question but I don't believe any of you has...

Why are  you assuming what "most of  you" would say - the gender wouldn't matter -including if couple was the same gender.  I agree that in a marriage if there is an activity one wants to do that makes the other uncomfortable then -depending on context and how often this issue comes up, if possible defer to the spouse. I didn't want my husband to go out late at night to meet a colleague who was in town for a drink because of safety getting back.  We talked about it, I then saw I should let him go.  But I worried.  It ended up fine.  I didn't tell him he couldn't -I expressed my concerns. 

During covid there were potential situations where I would have insisted he not go into a risky situation where he could bring covid home to us.  Fortunately we were almost always on the same page.  I wouldn't have cared if it came across as "controlling" when it came to pre-vaccine risk levels.  I think if the situations are few and far between where one spouse puts his/her foot down and basically demands that the other person not go then it's typically ok and not in general a "controlling" relationship.