Would you RSVP and send condolences or ignore completely?

[Cherylyn]

Hello eNotAloners: 

My sister always sends out annual postal Christmas cards with yearly NYD (New Year's Day) brunch / dinner invitations which she hosts in her home.  I've always cooked a ton of food for her parties at my expense and labor.  I've fed about 50+ guests; many whom I do not know!  I never went to bed and still cooked at 4AM before transporting all of this painstakingly prepared food to her house.   Before I left her house, I've always cleaned up, hand washed everything and was a real workhorse.   

We did not attend her NYD party nor did my in-laws this year.  Fortunately, I can defer to my husband and he ensures that my in-laws are very loyal to us which drives my sister crazy. 

She called me a liar not once but three times and has no intentions of apologizing whatsoever.  She never takes responsibility for what she's done.  She still won't change.  (She is a narcissist and gaslighter.) 

My husband, sons and in-laws are my staunchest allies yet she also invites my in-laws as her ploy to isolate me to no avail.  In the past, she invited my in-laws to her house for dinner while uninviting my husband, sons and me.  My in-laws went to her house for dinner and were shocked to discover we were uninvited.  My sister invited my in-laws for dinner at her house yet again for the second time.  This time,  my FIL (father-in-law) called my husband and discovered we were uninvited so they promptly declined my sister's dinner invitation.  My sister blamed me for ruining her dinner plans.  That night, my in-laws, husband, sons and I met at a local restaurant for dinner instead.  My sister always tries to pull a fast one.  She's sneaky.

For NYD, she invited my in-laws and us to her house this year.   I sent her a postal mail RSVP "no thank you" perfunctory note minus any endearments.  I also sent her a postal mail condolence note because one of her dogs died recently.  In the past, she sent me a postal sympathy card after my beloved dog died.  

We ignore each other's birthdays.  I started ignoring her birthday because she has yet to acknowledge nor thank me for sewn gifts I gave her for her birthday in 2021.  I sewed a lot of items for her which took me months and she never thanked me at all.  No postal thank you note, no verbal thank you, no text, no email, no voicemail, no nothing! 

Btw, I'm on peaceful terms with my brother and mother so I see them separately.  They reside locally so I deliver meals, groceries and clothing to my mother at random. 

So my question is this:  For future NYD parties, would you continue sending a postal "no thank you" RSVP?  I deliberately did not send a RSVP text because I wanted my postal note to be one way without back 'n forth texting.  Or, would you simply ignore and don't bother to RSVP at all?   Also, what would you do?  Would you continue on the track of estrangement because it makes you feel out of harm's way,  safe and protected? 

Thank you EnotAloners. 

 

[Andrina]

Being blood relatives doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with one another, when you're not enjoying each other's company.

Sounds like you're not hurting anyone if you cut ties. 

She must have a screw loose to invite your in-laws to dinners and not you.

I'd communicate to her it's best you two go your separate ways.

[Cherylyn]

34 minutes ago, Andrina said:

She must have a screw loose to invite your in-laws to dinners and not you.

 

Thank you, Andrina.  Yes, a screw loose is spot on!  Isn't that what a narcissistic gaslighter does?

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, at the end of the day she is still a family. If she bother to send an invite, politely just answer "No" and that is about it. Its hard with narcissists. After you dont even respond she probably just said "See, she is pouting". With you at least politely answering you dont give her too much of an ammunition.

[Lambert]

 If anyone takes the time to invite me, I will reply with my regrets or intention to attend.  That is simply manners and being polite.  It's not special treatment of anyone. 

I would stop tracking the estrangement.  By doing so you are holding on to it and making it very important in your life.  Turn away from this game.  Let her be the nut she is... even if she were to turn the entire world against (which your family has shown she cannot) I still would not give her the thoughts and effort to track.

Set your own boundaries.  You don't need her permission.    

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, at the end of the day she is still a family. If she bother to send an invite, politely just answer "No" and that is about it. Its hard with narcissists. After you don't even respond she probably just said "See, she is pouting". With you at least politely answering you don't give her too much of an ammunition.

Yes, it's true she still is family.  Thank you @Kwothe28.  She texted my husband this:  "You continue to stew and lead sad lives."   It's her typical narcissistic gaslighting tactic.    ☹️

[Cherylyn]

59 minutes ago, Lambert said:

 If anyone takes the time to invite me, I will reply with my regrets or intention to attend.  That is simply manners and being polite.  It's not special treatment of anyone. 

I would stop tracking the estrangement.  By doing so you are holding on to it and making it very important in your life.  Turn away from this game.  Let her be the nut she is... even if she were to turn the entire world against (which your family has shown she cannot) I still would not give her the thoughts and effort to track.

Set your own boundaries.  You don't need her permission.    

I agree with you.  Thank you @Lambert.  I sent her a "no thank you RSVP" postal note and even signed off with 'Happy New Year' minus endearments, no "Love," no "Dear," no nickname for her, not even my nickname, etc.  As I declined,  no means no.  The only reason why I sent her a postal condolence note after the new year was because her dog died and she sent me a postal sympathy card after my dog died a few years ago.  However, my boundaries are this:  I'll be civil.  I just don't want to see you, your husband who has a major mouth problem and as long as they're not with me, I feel protected and safe in my bubble. 

[Seraphim]

I can’t say I understand as I have never had an argument with my brother as an adult, ever. In your situation I just wouldn’t even bother replying and put them on block on your phones. 

[left due to request]

Quick question.

Is it possible that your sister forgot to invite you?  If I were your sister, I would invite you knowing that you will help me cook and clean.  Did you ask her why your family wasn't invited?  Could it be that for your family members, is there a really need  formal RSVP?

My brother has similar gatherings during holidays but we don't require invitations or RSVP, so I find this little odd.  However, that's my family and we don't invite strangers to our family gatherings.

Someone once told me that blood was thicker than water and arms always bend toward you.  I think it's important that you work out these issues with your sister.  Maybe it's to a point where resolution is impossible....

Anyhow, I rarely reply to RSVP when I'm not attending someone's gathering, unless they call to ask me.  When it's being held in their homes, I see no reason to reply anyhow.  Since you are helping with food and cleaning, I'm assuming there are no caters involved so your decision should be simple.  Just don't reply.

Sympathy cards for dogs?  Are you sure this is your sister? LOL  I'd call my sister or brother and express my sympathy.  If you are so distant that this can't be done, then why worry about what she does or say.

 

 

[boltnrun]

If an invitation is sent a response should be provided. It's impolite not to respond. I would not like setting up and preparing food for people who don't bother showing up and who didn't bother to tell me they weren't coming. It doesn't matter if it's family or friends, I appreciate a response as a basic courtesy. 

I think you handled it fine. A polite but minimal response saying "thank you for the invitation, however we will not be attending". Short and simple.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, rsml123 said:

Quick question.

Is it possible that your sister forgot to invite you?  If I were your sister, I would invite you knowing that you will help me cook and clean.  Did you ask her why your family wasn't invited?  Could it be that for your family members, do you really need a formal RSVP?

My brother has similar gatherings during holidays but we don't require invitations or RSVP, so I find this little odd.  However, that's my family and we don't invite strangers to our family gatherings.

Someone once told me that blood was thicker than water and arms always bend toward you.  I think it's important that you work out these issues with your sister.  Maybe it's to a point where resolution is impossible....

Anyhow, I rarely reply to RSVP when I'm not attending someone's gathering, unless they call to ask me.  When it's being held in their homes, I see no reason to reply anyhow.  Since you are helping with food and cleaning, I'm assuming there are no caters involved so your decision should be simple.  Just don't reply.

Sympathy cards for dogs?  Are you sure this is your sister? LOL  I'd call my sister or brother and express my sympathy.  If you are so distant that this can't be done, then why worry about what she does or say.

 

 

Thank you @rsml123. No, it's not possible that she forgot to invite me.  It was deliberate.  (Back story:  She called me slanderous after a cousin's husband acted untoward me which he also did to 14 of my cousin's girlfriends, stepmother, mother, neighbor and niece which I didn't know about until I came forward to my cousin!  He snapped the back of my bra strap not once but twice in one morning! 🥵) 

The first time I was uninvited, my in-laws (ILs) didn't know I was uninvited so they dined together at my sister's house anyway since they were already there after a long drive.  Then the second time, my sister called me a loose cannon because she still did not believe what our cousin's husband did to me.  She tried to pull a fast one again by inviting my ILs to her house for dinner and this time, my FIL (father-in-law) called my husband to ask if we are attending?  My husband told his father we were uninvited.  Hence, my ILs promptly declined my sister's invitation and we met at a local restaurant for dinner instead.  MIL (mother-in-law) empathized with me because she too was called a liar by her mother and grandmother after she was almost raped at work by her boss, the pillar of their small town community, "respectable" family man and deacon of their church! 😲 She screamed so her boss released his grip on her and she fled by running home only to be told she was a liar and to never mention this assault "lie" again.  They silenced her.  MIL came to my rescue!  🙏

I was called a liar last year because my sister did not believe the atrocities my late father committed to my mother.  My stories came from my mother!  My brother knows.  My father beat my mother, punched her teeth out, left her heavily in debt ($400K in today's money), he was a chain smoking alcoholic and womanizer.  He left us without paying child support, never said 'good-bye' and my mother worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to feed her 3 children. 

My sister hosts large parties and I don't know these people.  They're her friends, their kids and her neighbors.  It's not catered.  It's all home made food which is a ton of work and expensive.  I prefer to sleep in and relax on NYD! 😴 💤  Btw, she has over 1000 FB friends! 

RSVP is strictly courtesy so the host doesn't spend extra money on extra food which would otherwise go to waste. 

When I postal mailed my wedding invitations years ago, I also budgeted for a luncheon reception.  (Prime rib, potatoes, rolls, salad, sides, fruit, punch, dessert.)  I included postage paid RSVP envelopes and cards.  Some guests RSVP'd whereas many of them did not.  Therefore, I had to phone call them one by one and ask them if they were attending my wedding or not.  No sense in paying for food if no one will be there to eat it.  Wedding and reception were inexpensive because prices were reasonable compared to today! 

A resolution after being called slanderous, loose cannon and a liar?  No apology ever forthcoming in a million years?  Then she texted my husband this:  "You continue to stew and live sad lives."  More gaslighting!  Narcissists gaslight. 

The reason why I postal mailed a terse sympathy card after her dog died of cancer was because she did the same after my dog died of cancer a few years ago.  I deliberately did not text her nor call her phone with this message because postal mailing is one way without back 'n forth dialogue. 

[Seraphim]

I think as you both despise each other it is best to leave each other alone . 

[left due to request]

I agree with Seraphim.  Since there is that irreparable differences between you two, I think less or no interactions would be better.  Have a small gathering with your in-laws at your home for special occasions. Family will come around, given enough time. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

If an invitation is sent a response should be provided. It's impolite not to respond. I would not like setting up and preparing food for people who don't bother showing up and who didn't bother to tell me they weren't coming. It doesn't matter if it's family or friends, I appreciate a response as a basic courtesy. 

I think you handled it fine. A polite but minimal response saying "thank you for the invitation, however we will not be attending". Short and simple.

Thank you @boltnrun.  My postal note was handwritten like this:  "RSVP no thank you."  I signed off with 'Happy New Year' to her family without "Dear" greeting nor  "Love," sign off.  I deliberately omitted our nicknames.  It was terse yet to the point and purely perfunctory.  Same with the terse postal sympathy card I sent to her after her dog died during the holidays.  I reciprocated because when my dog died, she postal mailed a sympathy card to me.  I was very businesslike.   This way she doesn't have any ammunition for my not RSVP-ing her party nor for ignoring her  dog's recent premature death.  No still means no though.  I was courteous in a frosty way with the caveat being I will remain icy while letting her know she does not have permission to enter my life.  It gets the point across loud and clear. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, rsml123 said:

Family will come around, given enough time. 

Thank you @rsml123I came around the first and second times after being called  "slanderous" and "a loose cannon."  Three strikes and you're out!  After she called me a liar last year,  I'm at the end of my patience.  My siblings (brother and sister) naively think this is just a phase and I'll come around.  I beg to differ.  Estrangement feels safer.

Come around?  The only time we'll cross paths will be at funerals and even then, since there's bad blood, I'll be civil but what's love got to do with it?  🙄 Trust is dead in the water. 

[Seraphim]

As said if you hate each other that much why bother communicating at all? It makes zero sense. Why do you care what ammunition she has to toss at you? If anyone brings her up just pretend you didn’t hear them talking . 

[Cherylyn]

29 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

As said if you hate each other that much why bother communicating at all? It makes zero sense. Why do you care what ammunition she has to toss at you? If anyone brings her up just pretend you didn’t hear them talking . 

Thank you @Seraphim .  It's sad because I remember her good qualities such as bringing home cooked meals to my house after I brought my newborn sons home from the hospital.  She bought them cute clothes, too.  She bought 3 pairs of cute sandals for me years ago.  Stuff like that. 

She has changed.  She was actually a very nice person when she was married to husband #1 and their marriage lasted less than a year! 

Husband #2 was quiet when I first met him and then as he prospered and they moved into their palatial McMansion, they changed into narcissitic gaslighters.  BIL (brother-in-law) has a major mouth problem and becomes insanely jealous whenever my sister does not pay attention to him.  He constantly interrupts her during her conversations with others and if that doesn't work, he'll downgrade and say something very rude and unkind to chase you off.  No one is spared.  Should anyone call them on it, she'll defend her meal ticket by gaslighting you.  It's sick. 

Bad traits outweigh any good traits, unfortunately. 

My siblings think that being called a liar isn't a big deal and something to sneeze at.  They're in for a rude awakening. 🥴

[bungalo]

Cherylyn,

Not trying to highjack this thread, but,  I have a toxic younger sister who does incredibly rude things to me, my wife, and my daughter and never acknowledges her behavior nor does she ever apologize. I fall into this trap when she shapes up for a few weeks, and think she's going to turn civil, but she inevitably goes right back to toxic.  I do think that texting/Facebook/Social Media has made communication much worse in the last 10 years or so.  People can clear things up with a phone call much easier than electronic messaging.  Your situation sounds bleak.  I know it's hard with family, but I think, like Seraphim, it would be best if you completely cut off communication with her.  You were cordial, thoughtful about her losing her dog.  But I think you need to be done with her.

[Cherylyn]

32 minutes ago, bungalo said:

Cherylyn,

Not trying to highjack this thread, but,  I have a toxic younger sister who does incredibly rude things to me, my wife, and my daughter and never acknowledges her behavior nor does she ever apologize. I fall into this trap when she shapes up for a few weeks, and think she's going to turn civil, but she inevitably goes right back to toxic.  I do think that texting/Facebook/Social Media has made communication much worse in the last 10 years or so.  People can clear things up with a phone call much easier than electronic messaging.  Your situation sounds bleak.  I know it's hard with family, but I think, like Seraphim, it would be best if you completely cut off communication with her.  You were cordial, thoughtful about her losing her dog.  But I think you need to be done with her.

Thank you @bungalo. I appreciated everything you wrote.  It's something to think long and hard about.  People here on this discussion board and in society, stand back, assess and use common sense which I'm grateful for.  I tend to be too soft when I shouldn't be and I should learn to cut some people off instead of being nice. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

It's sad because I remember her good qualities such as bringing home cooked meals to my house after I brought my newborn sons home from the hospital.  She bought them cute clothes, too.  She bought 3 pairs of cute sandals for me years ago.  Stuff like that. 

She has changed.  She was actually a very nice person ...

This is probably what hurts the most. You have memories of loving a sister who was kind at one time. It must be difficult to reconcile her change into someone who would mistreat you, and my heart goes out to you.

I don't believe that there is a single 'right' answer, which also means no 'wrong' answer. You know your own gut. I'd probably ask myself, "What would cause me the least amount of stress?"

Given that mailing a postal regret requires near-zero effort, did doing so help you feel better because it's polite even while it sends a swipe of rejection, or, did doing so feel too symbolically painful to warrant a repeat?

If it brought you pain, skip it, or, if it lent you any degree of satisfaction, then go that route.

Speaking only for myself, I'd probably mail the regret, because then I wouldn't think about it anymore. If I were to leave sister unclear about my intentions, I might become preoccupied with whether I've caused her to hope that I might surprise her the day of by showing. So for me, the act of mailing would liberate ME from continuing any more thoughts about it.

Head high.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Speaking only for myself, I'd probably mail the regret, because then I wouldn't think about it anymore. If I were to leave sister unclear about my intentions, I might become preoccupied with whether I've caused her to hope that I might surprise her the day of by showing. So for me, the act of mailing would liberate ME from continuing any more thoughts about it.

Head high.

Thank you @catfeeder. You're right about mailing the regret and you won't think about it anymore.  I postal mail for regrets / declining so it's one way communication.  There's no opportunity for back 'n forth correspondence and communication via text, emails, messages, voice mails, etc.  Your intentions are clear which doesn't leave any room for doubt for anybody.  It sounds liberating for you. 

I need to stop being soft and stop thinking about people because they're not thinking of me regarding how to be nice and considerate.  That's my problem.  I tend be concerned about being considerate too much! 

[jul-els]

You’re not obligated in any way. Whatever feels right to you, is right. Period. 

[MissCanuck]

If she invites you in the future, I would send the RSVP declining. 

No further discussion necessary. You two hate each other so any interaction is best kept very minimal. 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

She texted my husband this:  "You continue to stew and lead sad lives."

What kind of passive- agressive garbage is that lol

Anyway, just politely turn down anything from her and dont give her too much attention. Narcissists love attention and drama and thrive on it. So dont let her that.

[Wiseman2]

Is there a way you can simply distance yourself? For example declining invitations and minimizing unnecessary contact. Perhaps try being merely cordial without trying to be friends or be liked.